I’m not much for eating in public. It makes me uncomfortable. I guess it’s because I worry people will be judging me for what or how much I eat. For years, I’ve brought my own (admittedly rather unhealthy) lunches to work, and I would often go and eat in my car just to be alone while I ate. I rarely go out to lunch with the gang at work. The reason I can always give for not participating is because I’ve been in lots of commercial kitchens in the course of doing fire inspections in restaurants. I always ask people: “Have you ever seen Gordon Ramsay’s “Kitchen Nightmares”? Believe me, you don’t want to know some of the things I’ve seen!” Most people accept that as a reasonable excuse. And they might ask once or twice, but after that, they don't ask any more.
I also usually decline to participate in departmental birthday parties or pot lucks. I usually just make sure I have a meeting to attend, or too much work to do. Eating cake and ice cream, or any other fattening food for that matter, in the company of others is practically unthinkable to me. The fact is, until I started blogging in December, I was a frequent secret visitor to the candy machine down the hall. I don’t believe anyone at work has ever actually seen me eat a candy bar in the 20 years I’ve been doing this. But the fact is, I’ve spent a small fortune there.
Yes, friends, I have food issues.
The reason I bring all this up is…no one at work really has any reason to know that I’ve recently been trying to bring more healthy choices in my lunch, that I've stopped visiting the candy machine, and I've started to work out more. Trying to be more healthy is also something I've been doing in secret.
So today I was a little surprised when one of my coworkers said, “Wow, you look like you’ve lost weight!” I normally would not have shared what I was doing, but for some reason I told her that I was trying to be more careful about my food choices. She was genuinely shocked...she said, "Why, I’ve never seen you eat ANYTHING bad, not like the rest of us.” And I thought to myself, “She has no idea!” And the more I thought about it, the sadder I got. So, tonight I’ve been feeling very sad about this. I’m thinking about how I’ve isolated myself from so much fun and fellowship in my life. In many ways, my food issues are still as debilitating as my bulimia was. Am I fooling myself to think that I’m more normal now?
Anyway, I don’t know what the point is of telling this story. I’m just feeling kind of bad right now. That’s all.
Food issues are one of the "hidden" factors in our weight loss journey. We all have them- for some it is coming from induction to the "clean your plate club" ( as if my pork chop could save an army of starving Armenians) to other not so common ones. In my own case as a child I was lead to believe that good eaters were strong people, and I tried to become Atlas. Exploring the hows and whys of these issues can make all the difference in the world for permanent weight loss.
ReplyDeleteI think (not that it really matters what I think) you're telling this because it is your way of figuring it all out. Get it on paper or computer screen and that gets it out of your head.
ReplyDeleteThere are many emotions I felt in reading your entry. Sadness is the emotion strongest felt. That you've hidden your food issues for so long, is so sad to me. That you've been sucessful as of late in losing weight, so much so that someone has mentioned it unprompted is incredible. You've missed out on the wonderful support that would have been offered to you in your quest for a healthier lifestyle.
You're working towards losing weight and living a healthier lifestyle. That is something you should be incredible proud to be doing. Say it loud and say it proud. You care enough about yourself to venture on this journey of a heathier you!
Big hugs.
now maybe that you know there is fun and fellowship out there, you'll allow yourself to have some!
ReplyDeletewe all have things that we keep hidden. you're not alone there!
meanwhile, how nice to have someone notice the changes you're making. it was very brave of you to "come out" to that gal instead of just waving off the comment.
Letting yourself feel these emotions is a great step. Often we use food instead of feeling.
Keep up the gooooood work!!
I KNOW I've robbed myself of lots of fun, fellowship, experiences through isolating. And I think its okay to mourn that lost time. But, what the progress you are making shows is that because you did something or went in one direction for a long time, does NOT mean you have to continue too. So maybe reach out and make that process a part of embracing life AND getting even healthier. You are going great!
ReplyDeleteI wish I had an answer for you but I don't. I struggle with a little bit of the public eating issue. I will go eat with friends, etc... but I won't eat outside when I'm by myself I think people will see me as the poor lonely fat girl stuffing her face.
ReplyDeleteOh my dear friend, give yourself a hug from me please. We beat ourselves up so much. While yes, I believe that I will never not have "food issues" I do believe that I will always have the strength to face them. I often daydream about being my goal weight, able to do ANY kind of fun exercise I want and eating in controlled portions whatever I want because I will be able to maintain it with exercise. That's my dream. I'm sure you have one to. Repeat it to yourself, often. What we think about, we bring about. We can try to bring about positive change! :)
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