A few laughs before the New Year

Thanks to Judith writing about a book called "Be Bold with Bananas," I ran across this list of the 10 worst library books of 2011. If you just want a good laugh, go there.

Be sure to also follow the link for the book that Judith provides. It will take you to Amazon, where the banana book got one star from the only reviewer, and the review is hilarious. I am still laughing.

However, in my opinion, one of the pictures from a book on the list, about Macrame, is REALLY disturbing.I'm not sure I will be able to sleep tonight without nightmares.

Relax!

I am off work until next Tuesday!!! I'm really looking forward to 4 days off...

Tomorrow, I'm planning to sleep late, take B to the park, work out (treadmill and weights), and then clean up our house. After Christmas, I just collapsed and so our house is a wreck. And then I'm just going to relax.

Saturday, we are going to our VFW Post's New Year's Eve party with 3 other couples. Buffet dinner, dancing to a cheesy band, and cheap champagne at midnight. Our VFW Post is nothing fancy, but it's a place where we feel really comfortable.

Four days of relaxation and fun!

In the photo, I was about 21 years old (in the mid-70's). Hard to believe I was ever that young. I still sleep with pillows squished up that way (and probably still with my mouth open).

iPad post!

I got an iPad for Christmas! Hub got me the one with 3G but that costs extra for the data plan. I'll have to see whether I find I actually need it because there really are so many wi fi hotspots around.

So far I've spent about 20 minutes figuring out how it works, setting up my email accounts, and iTunes. It's really just a big iPhone! If you can figure out an iPhone, you can figure out an iPad.

Now I'm going to see if I can add a photo...

Well no luck with that.

Anyway I just want to post this and see how it looks...

Bye for now!

Merry Christmas!

Wishing everyone a joy-filled Christmas 2011!

Therapy is a Gift

I spent almost the whole 1-1/2 hour session today with Dr D talking about the bathing suit incident. I really wanted to know why I reacted so badly and why I felt so traumatized by it. I appreciate Dr D so much because she always provides me with a reality check. Sometimes, she just listens and validates how I am feeling.

We talked about how it felt to have a photo like that posted on "the internet". Even though this was not my friend's intention, I felt embarrassed, ashamed and even violated. Since I was asleep and therefore unaware that the photo was being taken, it almost felt like being photographed while in the bedroom or bathroom. I know this sounds a bit dramatic, but since I have a history of being shamed and ridiculed about my body at a young age, this incident just brought back those awful traumatic feelings.

I am feeling better today. It is amazing how talking about these things in a safe environment can take away so much of their power

Today was my last day of work until Tuesday. My husband didn't realize until I came home tonight that I was off until the day after Christmas. When I told him, he said, "I'm so glad…I love having you home." Is that sweet or what? I'm so lucky.

I'm pretty much done with my Christmas shopping, I just need to get a few cards, and maybe a fun little gift for Buster. This year, I'm really excited about my gift for my husband, it's a one-of-a-kind item, and pretty amazing if I do say so myself. I'll share more information after Christmas if anyone is interested.

Tomorrow I'm visiting my mom to help her put up her Christmas tree, and if she says anything about my weight, I intend to tell her the same thing I told our friends in Hawaii… "My doctor told me I am fine the way I am and that I should just stop thinking about my weight. So I am not going to discuss this anymore." Of course, saying this same thing to her will work in any situation, so I actually feel pretty comfortable about Christmas Day too.

This makes me realize that even though it seems like a slow (never-ending) process, I really am getting better. So therapy has been the best Christmas gift I could ever give myself.

I Feel Fat

Although I vowed a while ago that this blog would no longer be focused on my weight, I need to write this post so that I can deal with what is going on in my mind.

Today I feel fat. Really fat. I have not weighed myself since we got back from vacation, and I didn't weigh before we left, so I do not have any numerical data to back up this feeling. But based on the way my work clothes fit, I'm guessing I weigh 173, which is 10 lbs more than my lowest weight.

The reason I am so upset is while we were on vacation, one of our friends took photos of all of us lying by the pool (I had fallen asleep so I didn't know he was doing this) and posted them on his Picassa website. As I casually perused the on-line album, entitled "Hawaii Vacation," I unexpectedly came across a photo of me and was just shocked. As in sick-to-my-stomach, heart-palpitations-from-anxiety shocked. The term "beached whale" immediately came to my mind. I quickly emailed him and asked him to please remove the photo from the album, which he did, but I am still horrified that others might have seen it before it was removed. (I know he wasn't doing it to be funny or mean, because there were literally dozens of bad photos. He is one of those guys who just posts everything that is on his camera. He doesn't even delete really crappy photos, like accidental shots of the floor; so he certainly would not have given any thought to taking out unflattering photos of his friends before publishing the album.)

Now that picture keeps popping up in my mind. I almost feel like I am suffering from PTSD. Although the reality is that no one probably even gave more than a glance at this photo, I just can't stop imagining people laughing at what I look liked in that photo.

I always think I am over this self-destructive thought process, and I know I should love myself no matter what I weigh. But the old eating disorder voice is telling me I am too fat to be seen in public. How could I have possibly thought, for 3 weeks, that I looked "okay" enough in a bathing suit to let people see me without a cover up??? In fact, I even canceled a massage appointment because I didn't want my massage therapist to see what I look like. Now I am dreading Christmas, because I imagine my mom will make some comment about my gaining weight.

Funny how one little thing (like a candid photo) can wipe away years of emotional progress. So far this week, I have been a wreck. I have been restricting my food and exercising every day. I know this is not a good way to deal with my emotions, but I am panic stricken. I have tried deal with this by telling myself "I AM NOT FAT…I AM NOT FAT" but it does not seem to be getting through to my psyche. I will have to talk to Dr D about this. Thank goodness I have an appointment on Wednesday.

Time to GO HOME!

Today is our last full day in Hawaii before heading home tomorrow. The last of our company left on Monday, which is good. Even though they were all staying at the hotel next door, and not technically "with" us, it has been nice to not worry about what anyone else wants to do, or eat, etc. Hub and I have just been hanging out, being lazy, watching TV, reading.

Earlier this week, we went to the Punchbowl Cemetery (also known as National Memorial Cemetery of the Pacific). It is a very spiritual place, and it is wonderful to see the care and respect that is given to the graves of those who have served our country. Over 34,000 veterans of World War I, World War II, the Korean, and Vietnam wars have been interred there.

Just one of the many plaques and memorials at the Cemetery
Inscription under this statue of Lady Liberty:
The solemn pride that must be yours
to have laid so costly a sacrifice
upon the altar of freedom.

View of Diamond Head and Waikiki from the Punchbowl

On Wednesday evening, I also went to the Pearl Harbor Remembrance Parade which started only about one block from our condo. Several Pearl Harbor survivors were grand marshals for the parade. It was quite a moving experience, as they were cheered wholeheartedly and everyone stood when their cars went by. Here are just a few of them, the whole procession of their cars lasted about 2 minutes.



I just finished reading "The Art of Racing in the Rain" by Garth Stein. Of course, I was a weepy basket case when I was done and now I'm extremely anxious to get home to see my dog. We'll get in late Saturday, so I won't get to see him until Sunday morning. From what Auntie Pam has been telling me, he is doing just fine, competing for lap time with Olive and Kermit. I can't wait to pick him up and give him a big hug.

On the work front, I got a 3 word text message from my (fairly new) assistant last night..."PLEASE COME BACK." This made me smile but also feel a bit anxious at the same time. It's nice to feel needed, but what the heck must be going on for him to express that at 11:30 at night Seattle time? He's probably just a bit out of his depth because he hasn't worked in our division long enough to really know the answers to many of the questions I'm sure came up while I was away. After all, he's only been there about 9 months, and I've been there almost 25 years. As for the anxiety I'm feeling, I just need to remember that all the work piling up on my desk does not need to be done my first day back. I can triage it all first, and then deal with it one project at a time.

I hope everyone is having a nice start to their weekend. Do you have all your Christmas shopping done? It's hard to believe it is only a little over two weeks until Christmas.


I hope you like this short video of a beautifully decorated fire truck...Mele Kalikimaka!

People and their obsessions

Aloha! We are still in Hawaii.

We've had a really nice time with a variety of friends and relatives coming and going. We had a wonderful week with my husband's long time friend and his two daughters, who are both just a kick and the nicest people I know. We did some fun things including hiking to the top of Diamond Head Crater. They left on Thursday.

Here I am at the top of Diamond Head

However…now some other friends are visiting that caused me some advance anxiety. They are obsessive about many things, but especially food and their weight. They are both tall and thin, and talk constantly about what they eat, what they don't eat, how much they work out, what they look like. And what others look like, how fat they are, etc.

I talked to Dr D a lot about this before vacation, because I know the effect they have on me, and I wanted to know how to handle it. Well, last night, at dinner, the talk started. "I've had too many carbs today." "We will have to walk a few extra miles tomorrow." Etc, etc. My husband loves to talk about this stuff in the abstract (as in nutritional terms), so he was right in there with them.

As the discussion went on, I could feel my anxiety building. Finally, I said "My doctor told me I am fine the way I am and I should just stop thinking about my weight. So I am not going to discuss this topic anymore." Not in a mean way, but just giving them a heads up that I didn't like focusing on this subject.

This morning, I'm feeling rather good about how I handled it. Empowered. At least I didn't just let the craziness go on and on, nor did I partake in the unhealthy mind games. They are leaving on Monday, so I think I can handle another few days. And if they start up again on the weight, I'll just repeat what I said last night. "My doctor says I'm fine the way I am so I'm not going to discuss this anymore."

I know I've gained a few pounds since we've come to Hawaii, but I really don't care. Seriously, I'm not just saying that! It's a different mind set than I've ever had before and it feels wonderful to really not care. I know whatever I've gained will come back off when we start to eat normally again at home. But I'm not going to worry about it!

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

P.S. In case you read the original version of this post, you might notice I've changed some of the characterizations of our visitors, which were extremely negative and not very nice. In retrospect, I realized this is not the best way to handle these situations. Positive...that's what I need to be in all things.