The Sickness Inside ME

I'm starting to realize that anxiety feeds Eddie. The more anxious I am, the more Eddie starts yapping. Then the more I allow Eddie to be in control, the more anxious I get.

Although I never realized it before I started therapy, I am a very anxious person. I really thought I was pretty easy going. I guess that's because I am not normally anxious about work, or some of the other day to day things that "normal" people might get anxious about. At work, I do whatever needs to get done…then I leave it at the end of the day. I go home and seldom think about it again.

But I'm starting to realize...Personal stuff is totally different.

When I saw Dr D today, we started talking about how things were going. I realized that since Hub has been diagnosed with the blood clot…I have not eaten much. In fact, I'm probably not eating enough to help me keep my wits about me, so to speak. My appetite goes away, so I just stop eating. That's where it gets into a vicious cycle. The less I eat, the less I want to eat. As gross as this may sound, from the years of being bulimic, my gag reflex kicks in, and the thought of food is sickening. Since I no longer "allow" myself throw up, the alternative is...I don't eat anything.

I also have an tendency towards obsessive/compulsive behavior. And the more stressed out I get, the more OC I get. I feel the need to spend a lot more time arranging my closet "just so." I can't leave the house for work until I change clothes at least 3 times, including my earrings, scarves, belts...this goes on ad nauseum. Rather than being able to get ready to go to work in 1/2 hour, it takes me an hour or more. The more stressed I am, the more "perfect" everything has to be before I can walk out the door. For example…Would anyone notice that I'm wearing green earrings, rather than turquoise earrings? No, but I get into a dither about which earrings more exactly match what I'm wearing. (I'd probably be better off just wearing my uniform...easier and much quicker!)

But, for some reason, these activities (the food restriction and the OCD) help me cope, and give me a feeling of comfort and control. Then, I start rationalizing that because I am stressed out, I DESERVE to do these comforting activities, even though I know they are not healthy or helpful.

I'm so lucky to have a good therapist who brings me back to reality and who suggests healthy alternatives to these counterproductive coping mechanisms, that I am starting to realize I've used my whole life.

I'm also lucky to have such wonderful friends in the blogging world who have given me encouragement and kind comments on my last post. Your comments made such a difference in how I was feeling and it helped so much to know you care. Thank you all.

Hub is doing okay, the blood thinners do cause him to feel (and act) a bit strange, tired, and cold, so he is not exactly "himself." But we all know the alternative would not be good, so we can deal with it.

Today, I really do BELIEVE that…"This too shall pass."

Here's another good one! "Knowledge is power."

So, while I'm waiting for all those good things to kick in...I think I'll just kick Eddie to the curb.

This Too Shall Pass...

I just noticed it's been 10 days since my last post. For whatever reason, I haven't been in the mood to write a post. For some reason, I'm feeling a bit down, a bit depressed.

Today it's been 3 weeks since the surgery. There has been a lot of stuff to do, but I did feel like we had gotten into a routine of care. I felt like we were doing really well, but I was also looking forward to us getting back to normal.

Then BOOM...not so fast!

Hub had a setback yesterday. We went for a final follow-up ultrasound for the blood clot that he had shortly after the surgery. Because the 2nd appointment showed the clot was almost gone, I figured we were home free. So I sat in the waiting room reading my Kindle. I didn't really notice how long Hub had been back in the exam area until it had been a LONG time. Lots longer than the other 2 appointments. Finally, I got up and asked the receptionist what was going on. She said, "Well, they're just discussing treatment options."

Treatment options?? For what?? I must have looked totally shocked, because after she saw the look on my face, she said, "Oh, uh, maybe you would like to go back to where he is?" Uh, yes, please.

Well, it turned out blood clot had come back worse than ever, after Hub went off the injectable blood thinners last week. Shit. Anyway, we sat in the doctor's office, while the experts debated if it was serious enough to put him back in the hospital, or if it was okay to send him home with a new regimen of injectable blood thinners. Finally, they decided to send him home, but first they gave me a lecture about calling 9-1-1 if he has any of a number of symptoms. Believe me, guys, I do not need any encouragement to call 9-1-1. Because of my job, I know about too many instances of people who have died from throwing a clot after surgery. Sometimes too much knowledge can be a bad thing, but at least I won't be shy about calling 9-1-1.

But now I'm worried and it's hard to relax. Last night, I kept listening to him breathe while he slept, so I didn't sleep very well.

He still needs me to help him with a lot of normal day-to-day activities, and to drive him everywhere, post-op appointments, ultrasounds for the blood clot, physical therapy, etc. So I've only been working part-time...which is fine, because I'm allowed to use sick leave to take care of him, and I have plenty of sick leave saved up. Still, I feel guilty about not being at work my normal hours. Then again, I'm grateful for the time off, and the wonderful medical facilities to give him the best care.

Anyway right now I just feel out of sorts, like life will never be back to normal. I know logically that this is not true, but emotionally I'm a bit worn out.

I just need to keep in mind that this too shall pass.

It's a Beautiful (but Strange) Day in the Neighborhood

What a gorgeous day today! I took B to the park this morning first thing, and there were lots of people and dogs, so he had a great time.

Then I cooked breakfast for Hub. I cooked fried eggs and...wait for it...they were PERFECT. Perfect as to how he likes them, that is. He likes them runny, and the first batch were a little overcooked, which is why those ended up on my own plate. I do learn from my mistakes. This cooking thing is getting to be less daunting every day. But I'm starting to worry that Hub will think he doesn't need to get back into that kitchen. And he certainly does. (This is not one of my eggs, but they looked just like this.)

Another beautiful thing today…I weighed myself and I've lost 4 lbs since I last weighed on March 5. Wow! I skipped weighing in last Saturday, because after all the stress surrounding Hub's surgery, I was eating kind of crappy and was afraid the scale would show a gain. (I'm such a chicken when it comes to bad news.) So I really don't know exactly when this all came about, if it was gradual or just a quick plummet. Who cares, I am very happy. I just need to lose 2 more lbs to be back where I was during the summer, when I was at my lowest weight in years. Then 2 more lbs after that, at which point I'll just need to maintain. (I'll be at 160 which is a perfect weight for me.)

I had been planning for my cheat day all week, and mid-morning I had a donut that I bought yesterday specifically to eat today. It was weird when Hub saw me eating it, because he got all upset about how "compulsive" I was being. What??? 4HB says I should eat whatever I want on my cheat day, and I wanted a donut. One donut! What should I have had instead? I asked him. I don't know, how about another piece of toast...just not a donut, he said.

But I didn't want another piece of toast...I wanted a freaking donut!!! Geesh, talk to the hand, buddy. This was just a very strange conversation, because Hub has also read 4HB and knows what it says about cheat day. Yet, there he was, being all sanctimonious, I guess because since having surgery he's not wanted to eat any sweets or crap. Okay, he can do whatever he wants, but why should I feel guilty about that donut? I have had to dismiss the conversation from my mind, because I'm doing exactly what the book says. Hub is still taking pain meds, so I wonder if the meds are messing with his mind? I also think that donuts used to be one of his trigger foods, so maybe that bothered him.

This whole discussion took away a little of the joy I felt initially about losing 4 lbs, but then I went and tried on 3 pairs of size 10 jeans that I had put away when I gained the 10 lbs. They all fit so I felt better again.

Well, that's about it for now. I'm really enjoying how light it stays now that daylight savings time has kicked in. I hope everyone is having a wonderful Saturday!

Happy St. Patrick's Day…Guess What! I Cooked Irish Stew!

I can't believe I actually made something that turned out great! I got an idea this morning that I wanted to make something special for St. Patrick's Day for my Hub. He didn't want corned beef because of the sodium, so I found a recipe for low carb Irish Stew.

Here's the picture from the website:
Mine isn't nearly as pretty...I think the recipe picture was taken before all the ingredients melded together. So, here's mine:Even though it's not pretty like the recipe picture, it was delicious! I bought only 4 lamb chops instead of 8 (they were super expensive) and I used low-sodium chicken stock instead of vegetable stock. I also added some carrots even though they are not in the recipe (although they are in the recipe picture).

Hub (Mr. Gourmet Chef) loved it! I know he wasn't just being nice, because it was very flavorful and quite lovely. The best part is I had a lot of fun in the kitchen, which is a totally new experience for me.

Anyway, today has been a really a good day.

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My husband is doing great. He is back to almost his normal self. He told me he likes having me around in the morning (I've been staying home to help him in the morning). And it has been nice to sleep in a bit, and take care of him (get him breakfast and medication, help him with his compression stockings and the CPM machine, etc). I feel as if we have gotten a lot closer because of the surgery.

B also is in heaven that I'm home, and we've been going to the park every morning.

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Another wonderful day was Tuesday. I had such a fantastic meet up with Roxie and Diana. You can see a picture of us on Diana's blog. (I love this picture!)

As I waited in the lobby of Roxie's hotel, I wondered if I would recognize her. But I knew her right away from her blog, and she recognized me even though she's never seen pictures of me (since I don't post pictures of me on my blog). We hugged and talked for a few minutes, then Diana showed up. Then we all hugged, and it was like we'd known each other for years! It was like a reunion, even though we'd never met each other before.

We went across the street and had lunch at Palomino's. (We each had almost the same thing...salad, ice tea or diet Coke, no bread and no dessert...lol) We laughed and talked...and laughed and talked some more for almost 2 hours. We talked about the things that we have revealed on our blogs, and we also found out some new things about each other. It was an incredible experience. I felt so comfortable, which is unusual for me, because both of these ladies know my deepest secrets and insecurities already from reading my blog. Still, they accepted me so I didn't feel like I had to put on an act. I don't have a sister, but it was what I imagine being with sisters would feel like. I love you both, Diana and Roxie. Thank you for being just like I hoped you would be.

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Today the weather was beautiful. All the trees are starting to bloom. I love it. Spring is here, finally. Tomorrow is my normal day off. And even though I haven't been in the office much this week, I'm looking forward to my "day off." I'm finding I love being home with my hub and my dog and doing things for my hub. I never would have expected THAT!

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

P.S. Diana, wishing you the best in your Big Climb! Roxie, I hope the rest of your time in Washington is pleasant...I'm so happy we finally are having some decent weather!

First Post-Op Appointment...and Meet Up Tomorrow!

Today Hub and I went to the doctor for his first pre-op appointment. The wound looks really good and Hub is in pretty good spirits. Only one small problem is he has been having pain in his calf, so the doctor sent him over for an ultrasound. Turns out he has a clot in one of the veins, but the overall consensus (they had 4 people looking at his pictures) is that it was small and not occluding. Which means it is not cutting off the blood supply, and they also don't think it is going to break off. I don't understand how they can be sure about this, but they seemed pretty confident. He has already been taking after-surgery blood thinners, so they decided to take a wait-and-see approach. We are going back on Friday for a follow up appointment.

One thing I was thinking about today is how lucky we are to live in an area with such fantastic health care facilities, and how grateful I am that we have the means and health insurance to pay for the best care. Plus everyone at my job has been great. I've taken off a week so far to care for Hub, and had planned to go back to work tomorrow. But after finding out about the blood clot, I don't think I want to be gone all day. So my boss said "Don't worry about anything. Don't come back until you are both ready." How great is that!

I am going to take a couple of hours tomorrow and meet-up with Roxie and Diana in Seattle!!! It will be great to meet Roxie, whose blog I have followed for a long time. And I love Diana, who I met a few months ago when we met up at the Geneen Roth workshop. I'm very excited, and really looking forward to it.

Hub will be okay while I'm gone, he's almost self-sufficient at this point, and his office is in our house so the folks who work for him will be here if he needs help.

I now have 2 days back on a pretty low-carb regimen, and I'm feeling better than I was when I posted last. It's funny how quickly I can descend into the mode of thinking I "need" to eat crap. After all, I'm stressed so I deserve it, right? But now that things have calmed down, I'm having more luck staying away from the junk. I haven't been perfect (in accordance with the 4HB program) but not bad. I have had a few pieces of cheese, and also today I had a salmon burger on a 100 calorie Orowheat sandwich thin, which is not low carb. I also have used a little bit of artificial sweetener, but not much. Like I said, not perfect, but much better than right after his surgery. In the bigger scheme of things, I think my calories the last two days have been under 1500, so one way or the other, it's better than before.

We watched Heavy tonight. I really like this show, as it shows the real struggles that overweight people suffer through, and the positive changes that occur when they go to a weight loss clinic. I like it a lot better than Biggest Loser, because I don't really like the competition/elimination aspect of BL. In Heavy, the people work on all aspects of their lives, physical and emotional, to get healthy.

Well, it's about time to help Hub ready for bed (he's still sleeping in a recliner) and he needs my help to get settled in.

I'll be back in a day or two to give you the inside scoop of my meet-up with Roxie and Diana!

Hub & Me...Surgery Update

Hub :-)

Hub had his knee surgery on Tuesday at 11 a.m. and got to go home on Wednesday around noon, which I think was some kind of record for knee replacement! He had to prove to the physical therapist that he could walk 150 feet (with a walker, of course) and go up and down some stairs (with a crutch). He was very motivated to go home, and all the nurses and other staff were amazed at how well he did. He really wasn't feeling much pain yet because I think the local anesthetic they injected in his knee prior to the surgery (in addition to the general anesthesia) was still keeping the pain away. We left the hospital with prescriptions for hydrocodone and oxycodone. Both are strong narcotics, especially the oxycodone which is described as being "for severe pain such as surgical or cancer pain."

But instead of taking the medicine when we got home, Hub apparently thought... "I'm going to be strong and won't take much pain medication." Like he thinks he's Mr. Spock, who could control his pain with his Vulcan mind. Believe me, I've watched enough Star Trek to know this..my Hub is no Mr. Spock. And for some unfathomable reason, it is also apparently acceptable to act like a major jerk as long as you are in major pain. The bottom line is there is no reason to be in pain, especially when they have sent you home with SUPER DUPER PAIN MEDS. Uh, Helloooo! It is EXPECTED after knee replacement that you will need MAJOR PAIN MEDS! I finally had to tell him…"Either you take enough medication to enable you to act human, or I will leave and you can take care of yourself." He finally realized the wisdom in what I said, and ever since things have gone much better in the "communications" department. We are now on a regular medicine "schedule."

He did have a 102.5 fever on Thursday, but his wound looks good, so the doctor said it could have been a reaction to a foreign body (the new knee) or the anesthetic. Whatever...It didn't last long.

Slowly but surely every day, he's getting better and stronger. He's already buzzing around with his walker, and doing a lot of stuff on his own. The first 2 days were rough, but now we've developed a routine to get all the therapeutic things done that need to get done everyday and we've hardly argued at all!

Me :-(
I wish I could say that I'm doing as well as Hub.

The sad thing is, on the morning we were leaving for the hospital, we were both getting ready in the bathroom. I was stepping out of the shower, and Hub said…"Wow, you are getting skinny! I can really see the difference since we've been on 4HB." I had noticed my jeans were getting loose, and so I felt great...

I had every intention to stay low carb, but to be honest the stress has caused me to eat crap for the past 4 days. Stuff I would never normally even look at twice. But today, I finally worked out on the treadmill for an hour and was eating right most of the day. Then some friends brought us Chinese food for dinner. Hub's not interested, but I just had a big bowl of chicken chow mein, as well as some sesame balls and custard tarts. Not exactly good on a low-carb program.

And remember those drawers I was going to clean out?…Fuggedaboutit! I've been too tired (or maybe just lazy) with all the other stuff going on. Taking care of sick people is hard! I have always had a lot of respect for people who take care of others in whatever capacity. But these last few days have really reinforced that respect. Seriously, you have to be a saint to do this, day in and day out. I could never do it, I don't have the patience.

Anyway, everything is going well now (except for my diet), and we are getting along great (uh, well... good).

I'm glad the worst is over. Maybe now I'll stop eating out of stress.

Earthquake in Japan...and a Friend Who's There

(I'll post an update on Hub's surgery later today or tomorrow.)

We have a very good friend who was born in Russia but whose family emigrated to Japan when he was a boy before coming to the US in the 1960's. Yuri is Hub's long-time friend from San Francisco, and he's the fellow who often comes to stay with us here in Seattle and to Hawaii to hang out with us when we are there. He is also a nuclear engineer, although he retired a few years ago. As soon as I heard about the earthquake, I emailed him asking about the nuclear situation there. I got this message back during the night, so I just read it when I got up this morning. He does go to Japan frequently, but I had no idea he was actually there right now! Often he goes to remote areas, but fortunately this time he was fairly close to Tokyo. His text reply was sent about midnight, before the Fukushima nuclear reactor explosion occurred. (I guess an explosion does not mean that a meltdown has occurred, thank heavens).

Dear Grace
Last night I slept in the lobby of a hotel which was full of people
Today some rail is working so I am back in Tokyo.
The strong quakes continue and lot of tsunamis are doing heavy damage.
The Fukushima nuclear plant is overheating since the cooling water is gone.
Radioactive steam is being released to prevfent a blowout of the reactor.
Four of the nulcear plants are closed (about 120 miles from Tokyo) and ten mile radisu is evacuated.
There is another strong quake as I am typing. It feels hopeless.
God willing I can take my flight tomorrow if the Narita airport opens and if the access rail is available.
The tsunamis are doing a lot of damage (the flooding goines 10 kilometers into the city)
Ten thousands of homes are swept out to sea and power is bveing rationed.
My cell phone is always hjammed.

Yuri

I emailed back telling him I am so relieved that he is okay. He replied "Only the good die young." I guess even in a tragedy like this, people can still have a sense of humor. I feel so bad for the people in Japan who have been affected, but (selfishly, I guess) I'm just so glad our friend is okay.

P.S. Did you know that during major emergencies, when cell phone calls may be jammed, texting and email often still work?

Geese in Love

This morning I woke up to a commotion on our roof…It's mating season for geese, I guess. They were up there clomping around and honking loudly. This happens a lot in the spring. I'm surprised B doesn't get upset because he's so easily disturbed by other noises, like rain, hail, and wind. But apparently geese tap-dancing on the roof is not one of the noises that bothers him (or Hub either, who can sleep through anything). It went on for quite a while, and I couldn't sleep, so I finally got up. When B and I walked around the house for B to do his business, there they were:

Goofy Geese

The ball was a lot of fun last night. It was at the Bell Harbor Conference Center in Seattle...the food was just okay and the drinks were very expensive. But everybody looked really nice, and the band was good. In fact it was so good that Hub, in spite of his knee, actually got up and danced 2 dances with me.

I've been thinking about next week. As I said, Hub's surgery is at 10 a.m. Tuesday, and they expect to release him Wednesday or Thursday at the latest. They really like to push people out of the hospital quickly, which is okay considering the germ factories that hospitals are. Anyway, once Hub gets home, I need to be with him all the time for about the first week. He'll be on a lot of pain medication and will be sleeping a lot, so other than the time he actually needs tending to, I'll just be sitting around. So I'm making a list of projects to do around the house. Stuff I usually don't get done, like cleaning out the drawers and shelves in the bathroom. Sounds like fun, huh?

Another thing I'm a bit worried about is what we'll eat. Not for me, but Hub does all the cooking (which is always excellent) and I don't know how. Seriously, about all I know how to do is make salads and boil eggs. And hub deserves to have decent food while he's recovering. So, I've been thinking about using our crock pot. We're still going to try to stay on low-carb as much as possible, so does anybody have an easy low-carb crock pot recipe (or two) you could share with this total cooking novice? I'd really appreciate it.

Not sure if I'll have time to post for a few days, but as soon as I can, I'll let you know how things are going.

Happy Saturday!

Good morning, everyone! It has been another busy week, so I'm sorry I wasn't able to post earlier.

We had B's teeth cleaned yesterday. He was at the vet's almost all day because they have to anesthetize dogs in order to perform the cleaning. After our last awful experience with him being anesthetized, I felt guilty but I left him there a couple of hours extra so that he could recover more before I brought him home. This was his first teeth cleaning, but he was a real trooper and this time didn't seem so crazed from the anesthetic. Now his teeth look so lovely and white. They did have to pull 2 small lower incisors which were loose, but the vet said this was no big deal. We also found out he is missing 4 teeth (a matching pair on top and bottom), which apparently never grew in. Again, supposedly it's not unusual or a big deal for dogs to be missing teeth. According to the vet, "He still has lots of teeth." With the missing 2 front teeth, he has the gap-toothed look of a 6 year old kid. He is so adorable. I wish I could get a picture of his smile when he takes a treat (that's when I really notice it), but he is a bit camera phobic, unless I can catch him off guard.

We found out yesterday that Hub's surgery is scheduled for 10 a.m. on the 8th and we have to be at the hospital at 8:30 a.m. I'm glad it is in the morning, as the longer we wait that day, the more nervous I know both of us will get. The medical supply people brought a bunch of equipment yesterday in advance of the surgery, including a machine called a CPM. He will need to wear it 6 to 8 hours a day to keep the knee joint from freezing up. All I know is it looks like a torture machine.

Today was weigh-in day, unfortunately no change in weight, but I do continue to lose minuscule fractions of inches off my various body parts. So I think I am gaining muscle with the new workout I'm doing which involves the kettlebell and other weights. And since this way of eating is not difficult, I shall not get discouraged. Today is cheat day, but so far I've not had anything to eat, just one cup of coffee with cream. For me, one reason I look forward to cheat day is because not only do I get to eat whatever I want, I also do not have to eat if I don't want to. Which I don't want to in the morning. I am not an eat-in-the-morning person normally.

We are going to our Firefighters Ball tonight. This is the first time our firefighters have put on a formal dinner dance. Hub doesn't really like these types of events, but he is being a good sport and agreed to go. According to the invitation, department members can either wear their dress uniforms or formal attire. Yeah, right...I'm going to wear my heavy wool, double breasted jacket, white button-down shirt, tie, wool slacks, and regulation patent leather flat shoes to a DANCE....NOT! (For one thing, I'd be sweating before the first dance.) Instead, since no one who will be at the ball has seen it, I'm wearing the same dress I've had for almost 3 years and that I've worn for the last 5 formal affairs we've gone to (weddings, class reunion, charity auctions). It fits whether I'm 5 lbs heavier or lighter, because the material is very stretchy. Hub, on the other hand, had to have his suit altered because the pants were ready to fall off. Yay, Hub! He's done very well on this plan, and so far has lost about 20 lbs.

The weather has been very strange lately, raining hard one minute, sunshine the next, then rain and even hail the next. But right now it looks pretty nice, so B and I will go to the park. We probably should go soon, because it could change.

Take care everyone, and enjoy your weekend!