Enough...

The brother-in-law had his surgery on Tuesday, and it went well.  He has recovered enough that they are going home tomorrow.

Everything has been pretty peaceful, and we have all been getting along pretty well.  But I've finally had enough of the wife.

We've watched their dog while they were at the hospital.  I've cleaned up after their dog's accidents (she's a nice dog, but young and not completely housebroken).   Hub has cooked dinner every night for the 4 of us, and I've cleaned up afterwards.  Before they came, Hub even rented an electric lift chair, so Bro didn't have to struggle to get up.  I've even done their laundry!  (And I have absolutely no problem with any of that...that's what good hosts do, and Hub loves his Bro, so he does what he can to make their stay more comfortable.)  In other words, we've both been very hospitable.

Last night the wife "E" wanted to go visit a niece in Seattle, and they were going to meet at a festival at the Seattle Center today.  So E asked me if I wanted to go along.  I'm not much for driving to Seattle, and the weather is horrible right now, raining non-stop.  First I said, no, then I thought about why she wanted me along…she didn't want to drive there by herself, because she doesn't really know where she's going.  Okay, I do have some compassion for that, and so I changed my mind and told her I would go with her. 

We got over to the festival, and she just happened to know someone at one of the booths.  So she was explaining why she was in the area, that her husband had surgery and "we are staying with in-laws."  I was standing right there, and she never said…"we are staying with in-laws…and by the way, this is my sister-in-law…WHO HAS BEEN SO HELPFUL AND HOSPITABLE."  Nope, she talked to the person for about 10 minutes like I wasn't even there.  Whatever. 

At some point, we met the niece and had a pleasant time...the niece is really sweet.  Then on the way home, we started to talk about our respective husbands…joking a bit about how they are definitely brothers, they have some similar funny, annoying characteristics that run in their family.  Just typical girl talk.  But then out of the blue, she started bashing my husband in a very personal way, and saying some really mean things. I was shocked, and angry...it's one thing for me to criticize my Hub, but I would never criticize her husband to her!  I said, "You know, E, none of us are perfect.  But he's my husband, and I love him, and I'd appreciate you not talking to me about him like that."  She immediately backed off, but I'm pissed.  How dare she? 

So, that's enough.  I'm done.  Especially after everything we've done for them.  I can't wait until they leave and I don't have this negative energy in my home anymore.  Buh Bye.     

Something Creative...which Normally I Would Not Attempt

First let me say this...I do NOT consider myself an artistic person.

I know that I do have a good eye for color, and am somewhat OCD about putting outfits together.  I know what looks good and what works...and what doesn't.  But if you ask me to draw a picture...fuggget about it!

So when I saw this new business advertising near my office, and then looked at their website, I thought..well, it's not something I'd usually do, but this looks interesting!  So I invited a girlfriend to attend with me, and we went last Friday evening.

Basically it was a 3 hour "art class" (but not really a class...more like a party) where everyone who attends paints the same thing from a professional example.  (In this case it was the Seattle Wheel, but they have about 20 different subjects.  You choose which event to attend based on what you want to paint.)  It is "taught" step-by-step by a professional artist; all the supplies (acrylic paints, brushes, a small canvas on an easel, apron) are provided.  You can't use any pencils to sketch, so it's all done free hand with the paint brushes, including making the circle for the wheel. And the instructor encourages you to use whatever colors you like. 

It was one of the most fun things I have ever done!  You can purchase wine and they play rock music throughout (like I said...it was really a party).  It was so interesting to see how differently everyone interpreted the same subject.  My girlfriend and I talked and laughed and rocked out and painted (and drank wine)...and I learned something about myself...I actually like to paint!

And I surprised myself in that my painting was not "too" bad.  Yes, there are a few things I would change if I painted it again (such as the size and perspective of the Space Needle).  But I think if I practiced a bit, I could get better.  Not that I'd paint anything terribly original, but I really enjoyed the creative aspect.

The best thing was how complimentary Hub was when he saw my painting.  He just raved about it and said he liked it even better than the original.  I think he was just being sweet...but still...  *smile*

My girlfriend wants to go again, so I think we are going to get a few other friends and go paint another subject.

So here is the original painting by a professional...

And here is my rendition...(please don't laugh)

And here is my friend's painting and my painting side by side...

isn't she a wild one?! 

They're (Coming) Baaaack...

Yes, the brother-in-law and wife will be here this afternoon...he will have a doctor appointment tomorrow, and I think the shoulder surgery is scheduled for Tuesday, or maybe Wednesday.  So, they will probably be here about a week.  I don't really ask too many questions as it doesn't make much difference to me...all I know is they will be here for a while, and I hope the wife behaves herself.  

Yes, it will be a somewhat trying time, but I have the advantage of going to work every day.  Hub will get to deal with them on a day to day basis, which is only fitting, considering it is his brother and he invited them to stay here. 

Does that sound mean?  Oh well.  I'm learning that "everything" that takes place in my home is not my total and complete responsibility.  My job is to be civil and I will be helpful when necessary.  

  



 

Is "Neutral" Good Enough?

I have no energy and/or ambition to try to lose weight.  I think I have spent so much of my life "on a diet" or "planning to diet" or "going off my diet," that I am just burned out.

I'm not bingeing, or purging, or starving, or really doing anything that is terribly destructive to my body.  I eat when I'm hungry, and it's usually fairly healthy food.  Sometimes I even forget to eat, so I'm not obsessed with food.  I don't have an adversarial relationship with food anymore, either.  On the occasion when I want to eat fast food, I do, and I don't beat myself up about it later.  So I seem to be stuck at this weight.  Most of my clothes fit okay, they are neither loose nor tight...

But I sure do wish I weighed about 10-15 lbs less.

Even mentally, I'm in a pretty good place.  I don't hate myself, I don't think I am stupid or ugly (like I used to...thank you, Dr D).  But I sure do wish I weighed less.

My stomach seems to be the focus of whatever body "dislike" (not hatred) is still inside me.  I don't grab the extra roll of flab or beat on my love handles and scream at myself in the mirror, or crawl under the bed covers and tell my husband I can't leave the house because I am a fat pig.

But I still avoid looking at myself in the mirror.  I really don't think anything about myself...except for the fleeting, ever-present, now-somewhat-more-subdued desire that I weighed less.

I am more neutral about my body...after a fashion.  Is the absence of body hatred "neutrality"?  And is that okay?  Or am I supposed to "love" my body?  I don't think I'll ever get to that place.

So, I don't starve myself anymore, although I do occasionally find myself restricting, because it feels soooo comfortable, familiar, and GOOD to feel hungry.  I really do like the feeling, it's kind of surreal and elevating and spacey.  But inside I know now, it's a false good feeling, so then something rational takes over and says...STOP! DON'T DO THIS TO YOURSELF!

Anyway, I'm a lot more "normal" than I used to be, but I'm still trying to find that balance.  Dr D seems to think I can get even better, but I just don't know.  Every time we talk about my feelings about my body, the best I can muster is "I'm neutral."  The idea of actually thinking that I might look "good" or "pretty" is so strange and uncomfortable, even EVIL.  Thinking like that was considered VAIN and was NOT ALLOWED in OUR FAMILY.  You would get slapped down for being vain...usually just verbally, but occasionally even physically.       

Sorry, I'm rambling.  But I'm determined to keep working on this...

A Measurement of Myself

We are back from our nice weekend.   

But, every time we do something like this (i.e. "go away"), and I spend the weekend being somewhat lax in my eating, I have anxiety about what I am going to wear the first day back to work.

Depending upon my schedule, some days I have to wear my uniform, some days not.  If I have to wear my uniform, I experience more anxiety than usual...

Will my uniform belt be too tight today?

So, even though I have been working on this issue, and I accept myself as I am much more than I used to, I still gauge how my day will go by how my uniform fits.

Our department uniform belts are 2 inches wide and are really designed for men, who are built a lot different from women (I know...shocking).  At least I can say, I still wear the same belt I had when I started with my department over 25 years ago. 

But...I am on a different notch on the belt...because my waist is about 2 inches more than it was 25 years ago.  So instead of being on the first notch like I was in 1988, I'm on the last.  

I think this is what gives me the anxiety...I keep thinking I should weigh exactly the same as I did when I was 35 years old.  And when I put on my uniform, it reminds me that my body is not the same body it was back in 1988.  Which pisses me off.

I sometimes wonder if I will EVER get over some of these issues, and accept myself unconditionally?

By the Sea, by the Sea...

We spent Friday night in Salem, Oregon at a Shilo inn, which was kind of meh. It was pleasant and clean...but B and I had to walk almost 2 blocks to find a patch of grass for him to do his business.

So now we are at another Shilo Inn in Seaside, which is really nice.  We have a beautiful view of the ocean and its very comfy.  

When we got here yesterday, the kites were flying...so pretty.

Hub and i spent some time walking on the beach and going Into the little shops, just generally enjoying being here together. We laughed more this weekend than we have the last 2 years. My husband is a completely different person now than he has been for a loooong time...I guess chronic pain will affect a person negatively like that. It's so good to have my "old" husband back!

Well, we'll be on our way home tomorrow. Back to real life...

Wunderbar!

This has been a great weekend so far.  

Yesterday was very enjoyable at the Octoberfest. The weather was great, the food and beer were good. We did have one minor mishap but it worked out fine...

Buster is a certified hearing dog because both my Hub and I have hearing impairments; Hub more so than I, he has about 70 percent hearing loss and wears hearing aids in both ears. So Buster has a hearing dog vest and of course in accordance with the Americans with Disabilities Act is supposed to be allowed to go anywhere with us...restaurants, hotels, etc, and this includes beer gardens at the Octoberfest. I was worried he would be overwhelmed by the loud music, but he wasn't fazed at all. So we went into 2 different venues without incident. We would have a beer at each one and then go to the next. 

At the third, we were allowed in, went and sat down and were listening to the music.  After about 5 minutes we were approached by a security guard who told us we couldn't have a dog with us.  Hub could not hear what the guard said, but I could. So I explained that B is a service animal and is certainly allowed to be with us.  But that guy went to get another guard, who came with 2 other backup dudes and told us we had to leave, in a very aggressive manner.  Here we are with the most innocuous, unobtrusive, well behaved dog on the planet, with his little red hearing dog vest on, and the guy is acting like we are a menace to the public. When i said that B was marked appropriately for a service dog, the guy then said he had watched us come in and B had not had his vest on when we came in!  Unbelievable!! I was speechless...how do you argue with stupidity?  Why would we have put the vest on after we got inside?

By this time, Hub was PISSED.  He and the guard got into a bit of an argument.  Finally, we just decided to leave and went to the next venue, where they let us in without a second glance at B. We asked to speak to a festival supervisor, and after a few minutes a very nice gentleman showed up. After we explained what had happened, he was MORTIFIED!  He said they had numerous meetings every year with staff about the ADA regulations. We explained we were not looking to make trouble, we just want people to be educated about the law and thought someone in "real" authority (as opposed to a rent-a-cop) should know what happened, so that they wouldn't make that mistake again and get in trouble with someone who is not quite so forgiving. He said don't worry, he would make sure that "guard" learned his lesson. 

So we enjoyed the rest of our day at the festival...the town of Mt. Angel is adorable and we would not hesitate to come back again.  One bad apfel didn't spoil it for us! (Apfel...get it? Haha)

More tomorrow!  

Good news

Well, the brother's shoulder surgery was postponed, so our guests went home.  They will probably be back, but not for a while.  *Whew*

I got tired of trying alternative methods to deal with the plantar fasciitis, so I finally went to an actual podiatrist.  She did a thorough exam, took a few x-rays, then suggested a series of cortisone shots.  She said that because I waited so long, it would take a series of shots, rather than just one, to get the inflammation down.    I had not wanted to have cortisone, because I've heard it can cause further degeneration of tissue.  And I had read a lot of horror stories about how painful the shots were going to be, so I was pretty scared.  These were the reasons I had avoided going to a podiatrist in the first place.

But I was soooo sick of the foot pain, so I said okay...shoot me!  And you know what?  It didn't hurt much at all.  She used a cold spray to numb it, and it felt like a little pin prick.

The relief was almost immediate.  This is the first time in 9 months I haven't had pain in my foot.  I still have to do all the other things...ice, stretching, rest and anti-inflammatories (she gave me a high powered prescription one).  So even though I still supposed to take it easy on my foot, walk and stand as little as possible, I'm very encouraged.  I think alternative medicine is great, but thank heavens for Western medicine too.

Hub is feeling so good now, for the first time in about two years, he actually said he wanted to go "somewhere" this weekend.  So tomorrow morning, Hub, Buster and I are going to an Octoberfest celebration in Oregon (I know, it's only September), staying overnight in Salem, then heading to Seaside (on the Oregon coast) for 2 nights.  

Can't wait to drink beer, eat bratwurst...then walk (just a little) with Hub & B on the beach!     

More guests

Well, no sooner did I think we were through with guests, then my husband invited his brother and wife to come stay with us while his brother recovers from shoulder surgery.

Long story short...brother needs shoulder surgery, was going to have it where they live.  But they live in remote Idaho, and the brother has some heart issues.  So at the last minute, the medical folks told him they couldn't do it at their hospital.  So he is going to have the surgery here, and stay with us for a few days until they can head home.

No big deal...except the wife drives me crazy.  Basically, she's just not a very nice person.  She's his 4th wife and since she married him, she has tried to alienate her husband from the rest of his family.  She's succeeded with just about everyone except my hub. And she's naturally thin, and brags about it too.  Which is really annoying.  I'm constantly comparing myself to her.  I do think I will be able to deal with it now, however, since I am in a better place than I was a few years ago. 

But...all of a sudden I need to clean the house again, get the guest room ready again, and...well, sigh, just not quite ready to deal with it.  At least they are not coming until tomorrow.

Well, B is waiting to go to the park, it is not raining right now so I guess we should go.  Hope everyone is having a good weekend. 

I'm still here...

Well, gosh. It's been OVER 18 MONTHS since I last posted. Anyone still out there? Sorry I left so abruptly.  No real reason I stopped blogging before...I just felt a bit like I was spinning my wheels. A lot has happened in 18 months.

My husband has had several surgeries including 3 back surgeries; both hips replaced; oral surgery for a weird, fortunately non-malignant tumor; hospitalization for a huge hematoma, and later an infection at the first hip surgical site, which involved re-surgery; hospitalization for a week on IV antibiotics..., but now he is in good health. Yes, he can even walk without a cane!

My mom has had several hospitalizations for malnutrition, low blood pressure, dehydration... (she's 83 years old and still anorexic), but I think she's actually figuring out that she need to eat and drink water in order to stay out of the hospital.   

Buster is good right now. He is almost 10 years old. He is still a bit (okay, very...) neurotic, but all of his health problems are under control, through a combination of strict diet and very moderate exercise. I just noticed he is looking a bit older, but he is still my baby boy!  He loves to go to the park, and still is as adorable as ever. 

Buster with (His) Monkey on His Back

I'm still working in the same department, but about a year ago I asked to be demoted to a less stressful position. It was either that or retire, as I couldn't handle the stress. I'm so fortunate that they didn't want me to leave, and accommodated my request.  So the transfer actually occurred in March. That has been a big improvement in my work life, so I think I might actually work another few years (until I'm 63 or 64). The benefits are great, I'm still very busy, but not overwhelmed...so I'm loving my job again.

I'm still taking an antidepressant (Wellbutrin) and I'm still in therapy, although I've cut back to once a month. Financially it's better, and I have made a lot of progress emotionally so I didn't feel the need to keep going twice a month. I no longer spend a lot of time in negative self talk (unless I catch a glimpse of myself from the side...view of a side profile always gives me a start...I always think I should be skinnier); I eat relatively normally, without a lot of emotional binge eating. So, I'm in a good place.  My weight is up a bit...I am currently wearing about a size 14, and have been there steady for about the last year. I would like to be back in a 12...or a 10 (ideal) but I'm not obsessed with a number. And I have no idea what I actually weigh (guessing 180? For my height, I probably should weigh 165.  But I don't weigh because it still makes me anxious and crazy). My long, intense, and ongoing, journey to normalcy is a whole 'nother post...if anyone is interested, I'll blog about it.

I'm currently dealing with plantar fasciitis, for about 8 months, which has been a real B.I.T.C.H.  I've been to a naturopath, massage therapist, acupuncturist...I've used gel inserts, a night splint...I take anti-inflammatories 3 times a day and glucosamine religiously...you name it.  It's a bit better, but it has really impacted my ability to walk for exercise.  Next week, I'm going to a regular podiatrist to see what they recommend.  I just want to get back to normal exercise...I think that would take off a bit of weight.

This summer, we had non-stop guests, and the last two left on Saturday.  This weekend will be the first in 2 months without house guests.  Exciting!..so lots of house and yard catch up stuff to do this weekend. Happy happy happy!  

LIFE IS GOOD! I honestly don't know how or if Blogger feed even works anymore!?!  If there is still anyone out there, leave a comment and say HI!