Just a short post...

I spent all day today at the trial I linked you to a few days ago. I just got back to the office, and was thinking I should go work out before I go home. But to be honest, right now I’m mentally exhausted. Plus I didn’t have much to eat today so I just now scarfed down a pear and a bunch of rice crackers…and now my stomach feels kind of weird. I think I’ll skip working out today in the spirit of not being compulsive about exercise.

Tomorrow night hub and I are going to see the violinist Itzhak Perlman at the Seattle Symphony. We saw him last year, and he was incredible. Last year we had crappy seats, way in the back, so this year I got tickets early and we are right down front. So I’m REALLY looking forward to that. It will a good diversion to clear my mind.

Have a good evening, everyone…I’ll try to post more this weekend.

I Can Eat a Donut and I Wish My Mother Would

I was at a recurring meeting this morning with a bunch of guys who hadn't seen me for a few months. As usual, they had donuts at the meeting. Now in the past I've always really agonized over eating a donut. Sometimes I would be able to resist, and other times I wouldn't. If I did take a donut, I wouldn't usually eat it until I was alone, in my car on my way back to my office. Bottom line, there was always a fierce internal struggle.

I've worked with all these guys for years, and they are like my brothers, so that was always part of the struggle. It meant they might comment on my eating the donut. "Do you think you should be eating that?" or "You're going to get fat!" Typical guy/brother comments, you know. Anyway, today I decided I could have a donut if I wanted one (part of my "being normal" therapy per Dr D) and I could eat it in front of people. So I ate the donut, and enjoyed the heck out of it. And one was plenty, I didn't need another.

But during a break, one of the guys said…"Eat another donut! You're wasting away!" Now, honestly, I'm not wasting away. I have lost a little weight since the last meeting, but still, I was shocked that anyone (especially a guy) would have noticed, and that he would have characterized it as my being "too" thin. After the initial shock...did I get off on that comment? Of course I did. And of course, it made me want to double down! Let's start eating less! Better yet, let's starve!

WHOA…I definitely need to be aware of these triggers. I seem to be particularly vulnerable right now for some reason. Normal is such a difficult concept. I'm still working on it, though.

I had an interesting therapy session last Thursday, and I want to tell you about it:

My mom has a snapshot on her refrigerator of her and my dad. It's her favorite picture because it was when she was her skinniest. I've often told my mom how much I hate that picture, because I think she looks really creepy. Huge head, stick-figure body. Kind of like a skeleton with skin stretched over the bones. But she insists that she looked great. The picture was taken at a family reunion when people actually asked me if my mom had cancer, that's how skinny she was.

In previous therapy sessions, I had told Dr D about the picture, but it was hard to describe. So the last time I was at Mom's house, I took a "picture of the picture" with my Blackberry (I was surprised how well it came out). So as I showed Dr D the picture, I kind of chuckled about it a little. You know, "Ha ha, how could anybody think that looked good?" But all of a sudden the chuckle turned to a big lump in my throat. When I started talking out loud about it, I kind of came unglued. It just set me off and I spent the greater portion of the session crying, and finally downright sobbing.

I was okay just looking at that picture when I was by myself, but when I showed it to Dr D, something about talking about it brought up some really strong emotions and horrible memories. It literally made me want to throw up. I just don't understand how someone can think being skin and bones looks good.

So that's at least a good sign for me…I definitely do not want to look like that, and I don't think I would ever let myself get that bad. Anyway, honestly, I'm doing fine. I working through it all. I have the support system I need (all my bloggy friends are big part of that), and it will all be okay, I know.

Awww...

DIANA and FATINAH, thank you both for the Beautiful Blogger award. Sorry it took me so long to get around to acknowledging it.

I usually ignore awards...for many reasons. But, I've been trying to do things outside of my comfort zone and striving to be a more open person. So I'm accepting this award...again, thank you!

So, the rules are you have to tell 7 things about you that people might not know. The only way I could come up with anything was to go through my old pictures. Then I thought...I'm using the pictures to come up with the ideas, I might as well include the pictures in my post.

So here it is...my "7 things in pictures" (you can click to enlarge):

1. I play the bagpipes and the Scottish side drum and was in a bagpipe band in college.

That's me (the tall one) smiling at the camera

2 - When I was in my early 20's, I worked for a company that was a subsidiary of Pan American World Airways, and one of the perks was flight benefits. As a result I've been to many different countries, sometimes for only a day or two! One of my favorite trips was to go with friends to London for the weekend.

During one of my weekends in London

3 - When I became a firefighter in 1980, I was the only woman in my department. It took the guys a while to figure out I wasn't a "women's libber" (their term, not mine) or trying to make a statement …I just wanted a job.

Resting during a practice burn 1981

4 - I have studied and collected antique jewelry for several years, and I've attended "Jewelry Camp" in New York and Rhode Island. I especially love the Victorian era. My pride and joy is a salamander brooch, from about 1890, made of gold, demantoid garnets, and diamonds, with ruby eyes. Look at his little feet...such detail...what incredible workmanship!

My little salamander friend

5 - I'm extremely allergic to a lot of animals, including birds, cats, and horses. (Fortunately, not dogs!!) I can walk into a house and know if they have cats because I start to itch and have trouble breathing within a minute. I love cats, so I used to actually have one until my asthma got so bad that I was always wired on asthma medicine. This sweet little Siamese kitty below ended up living with my parents because I couldn't keep her. Then I found out I was allergic to horses when I was doing an inspection at a stable, and started having an asthma attack. I'd never been around horses before so I was totally unaware that I was allergic to them...

I loved my kitty, but...What was I thinking???

6 - I went to Catholic school from kindergarten until 8th grade and I loved it. This must be the reason my girlfriends all tell me that I'm so "catholic."

The good girl...8th Grade Graduation

7 - As a result of some charity work I did in the early 1980's, I became an honorary Sea Fair pirate princess.

Pirate Princess...Aaaargh!

So, here are my picks for passing on the Beautiful Blogger award...

I know some of you have already been given this award by other bloggers, but you're getting it again from ME...because you are all Beautiful to ME!

Tena

JC
TJ
Tammy
F. McButterpants
Roxie
True Heart Girl

Evil

There really is evil in this world...please say a prayer that justice will be done.

Update 2-3-10: There used to be a link in this post, but I removed it.

Feeling sick

Sorry I haven’t posted lately. I’ve been in the grip of some awful stomach flue-y thing since last Thursday. It also gave me a headache so I haven't even been able to look at a computer screen without wanting to barf. The worst thing has been the hot/cold sweats though. I’ll be cruising along, when all of a sudden I feel like my whole body is on fire. Then just as quickly I feel like I’m freezing.

I was feeling a bit better this morning, so I was going to go to work. But then I talked to my boss, and she insisted I stay home. I still feel like I want to barf so that was probably a wise move...and I'm sure no one would appreciate me spreading this whatever-it-is around the office.

Anyway, this is just a short post to say hi, and I hope everyone will bear with me until I’m back 100 percent.

I must have a dirty mind...

Someone told me that Auntie Anne's Pretzels were not too high in calories. We have one in our nearby shopping mall, so I was checking out their website. I came across this...

I'm sorry, but...

Does this look suggestive to you?

Or is it just me?

Getting a Grip

I was thinking about my last post, and I sounded so out of control...and whiny! To be honest, I think I wanted to not eat. Since, for whatever unknown reason, I haven't been hungry, I was gonna ride that horse into the ground. I was gonna go with the flow. I was going to lose as much weight as possible as quickly as possible. As much as I protested that I couldn't eat (boo hoo, poor me), I realized I could have if I'd really wanted to. Talk about being a drama queen...I need to get over myself.

At some point, I decided...The control is mine. I can choose to starve myself, binge and purge, compulsively overeat or UNDEReat….or NOT. The fact is, I can also choose to eat healthy.

So that's what I've been doing. I've been making myself eat every few hours. For some reason I'm still not hungry, but I know I need to eat. So today I took fruit, yogurt, some crackers, and a protein bar to work…total calories about 800. And I made sure it was all gone by the end of the day.

I felt good. I felt as if I had control back, in a good way. Not in a crazy "controlling" way, which is different than a "controlled" way. Now I'm back gradually working toward my goal of getting to 163 (or 162 or something in that range. I'll see how I feel when I get there).

But I've never really just tried to lose weight in a healthy, logical way, so I wasn't sure how to go about it.

I was looking at a few other blogs, and someone mentioned BMR, Basal Metabolic Rate. It's just a numerical formula you use to find out how many calories you use, and then you eat less than that and expend more calories in order to lose weight. Here's a simple graph that explains the process...
Got it? Uh...Yeah, sure...anyway...

Since you use energy no matter what you're doing, even when sleeping, your BMR is the number of calories you'd burn if you stayed in bed all day. I found an on line BMR calculator and found out my BMR is 1460, which is not much! But the calculator said that if you work out 3-5 times a week (moderately active), you can multiply your BMR by 1.55.

So, if I keep up regular workouts, my new BMR is 2263 (1460 x 1.55)

After what I ate today, along with dinner and a snack tonight, I've eaten about 1,800 calories. 2263 - 1800 = 463 calories under my metabolic rate. 463 x 7 = 3241 per week.

Since a pound is about 3,500 calories, at this rate, I would lose a pound about every week. Considering that weekends are a bit more lenient, it may take me 10 days to 2 weeks to lose one pound. Which is a perfect time frame. Not too fast, not too slow.

It's amazing to me that after all these years, and all these diets, it comes down to this. Eat less, work out more, lose weight. It's a revelation!

Emotional vs. Physical Hunger

I've lost 4 lb. since New Years! Wahoo!

I should be thrilled, right?

Hmmm...that's actually a very good question and right now I don't know the answer.

Although this blog started out as a "weight loss blog" in December 2008, the truth is I'm not very overweight…I've never been very overweight. I've discovered that my problems are mostly emotional.

As a former bulimic, I have a terribly distorted body image. As the result of some wonderful advice from other bloggers I've started therapy. And in the past 9 months, this blog has become less about my weight and much more about my therapy, my childhood, my relationship with my mother, and occasionally the boring minutiae of my life.

My weight has stopped being the main focus of this blog. I really feel like I'm in a better place than I was 9 months ago. But...my weight is still the main focus of my life. I'm still obsessed with my weight. It's the first thing I think about in the morning, and the last thing I think about at night. It colors every experience of every day. Whenever I meet anyone, the first thought in my mind is to wonder if that person thinks I'm fat.

Yup, I still have an eating disorder.

For my whole fucking life, I have been literally ravenous. Ever since I was 12 years old, my life revolved around a desire for food but a also a desire to not eat food. Food was my best friend and my worst enemy. But my main quest was to be thin, by whatever means it took.

During my last session with Dr D on Wednesday, I came to a realization. The only thing my mother and I did together during my teenage years was…diet. It was the only way I could get my mother to pay attention to me, the only way I could get her approval. When we starved together, we were "girlfriends." She wasn't mean to me while we were dieting. It was something we had in common and we could talk about all the details of whatever diet we were on at the time, and commiserate on how awful we felt while we were starving ourselves. We had regular weigh-ins where we would compare how much each of us had lost.

Most of all, I just remember being hungry all the time. But I couldn't eat, because Mom and I were on a diet together. Sometimes I'd snap, and binge when she wasn't around. Of course then I'd need to do something drastic to offset the binge so it wouldn't show up on the scale...so she wouldn't find out that I had been eating.

Other than that, I never had a "real" relationship with my anorexic, possibly BPD mother. I developed an emotional hunger which was probably stronger than any physical hunger. I think I ended up with a combination of both.

Since I've been going through therapy and blogging, it's helped alleviate much of the "emotional hunger" that I had for so many years. I'm no longer ravenous all the time, but a new twist has emerged.

I now weigh 165, which is a good weight for someone 5"10" tall. Yes, I've already lost 4 lb. since New Year's; my goal for 2010 was to lose 7 lbs. So I'm 3 lb. from the NY goal, which was supposed to be the loss goal for a whole year.

The problem now is…I'm not hungry.

I don't recognize feelings of real physical hunger. I don't know when to eat or how much to eat. So I find myself not eating at all. It's easier, since right now I don't trust my body's hunger. It's not real to me yet because the emotional hunger was the stronger of the two my whole life. I don't know if I'm hungry or full or something in between.

Right now, I'm not eating much, because I don't know how. My mind doesn't really recognize physical hunger. What does real hunger feel like? I don't have a clue. So I haven't been eating until I reach the point of being shaky or almost ready to pass out. Right now that's the only way I recognize hunger.

Isn't it funny that you work towards fixing one problem and you end up with another? I have to admit I have mixed emotions…I'm loving the fact that I'm not hungry and losing weight...but I also recognize that this is probably the flip side of compulsive overeating. It's still an eating disorder. It's still not healthy.

Dr D is concerned, and temporarily we're meeting once a week, rather than every two weeks. I need to get a handle on this new unexpected problem.

I'm certainly not asking for sympathy for this weird problem. When I read some of the inspiring weight loss blogs, I realize my problem is small by comparison. But I want to be normal. I want to be able to recognize real hunger. I want to live a healthy life.

I know I will figure this out. I'm nowhere thin enough to be concerned yet, but I need to get this new mental aberration under control before it becomes a real physical issue. But I know I can do it. This is just a minor blip on the radar.

Got Self-Esteem?

A fellow in another department, someone I hadn’t seen for a while, came by my office to ask me a question, but then he stopped, stepped back and said “You’ve lost a lot of weight, haven’t you?” I could have kissed him, but he’s not my type…lol.

Now, I would NOT say that I’ve lost “a lot” of weight. However, I guess a pound or two every month for the past 9 months does add up to a noticeable difference when someone hasn’t seen you for a while. The people I work with every day haven’t really noticed, because the loss has been SO slow (15 lbs in a year). So it’s a big boost to have someone notice, but I wonder if I should be so thrilled about such a small thing.

Last Saturday, Roxie had an interesting observation on the need for external validation and it really struck a chord with me. When I saw Dr D about 2 weeks ago, I was telling her how I was hurt that my mom hadn’t noticed I’d lost weight…or maybe she had but for whatever strange, twisted reason, she decided not to comment.

So here I am, 56 years old, and I'm still seeking Mommy’s approval, which is pretty sad. The bottom line is I'm never going to get it. She's nice to me sometimes, but just as often she's not nice, or dismissive, or downright mean. She wants to be the center of attention, which means I can't be. (In fact, Dr D thinks she's being competitive with me…which is kind of creepy so I'm not sure I want to think about that today…maybe another time after some additional therapy...ha ha.)

Anyway, low self-esteem is definitely MY main issue, I've dealt with it my whole life. I always figured no one would like me unless I was perfect in every way, and that's a recipe for failure right there. If I got positive comments, it would spur me on to ever greater heights of perfectionism, to try to get even more compliments. But at some point, I would fail (at not being perfect) and my self-esteem would go out the window. When the compliments stopped, I'd stop trying. I'd say to myself "What's the use, no one is noticing anyway?" I'd beat myself up for not being perfect...the highs and lows of attempting perfection and then failing became a vicious circle.

The bottom line is… If I’m going to lose weight, I need to do it for ME and my own happiness and comfort, not for anyone else…including my mom. I shouldn't depend so much on the approval and compliments of others for motivation. I should lose weight in a healthy way, a way that doesn't involve perfection, a way that doesn't involve restricting so much that I'm bound to fail. I also need to learn that compliments are a good thing, but not the ONLY thing...they shouldn't be the only reason to work at being healthy and losing weight.

I'm still mulling over all this stuff, working on finding the answers which I know are inside of me, and I think it will come together eventually. I just need to be patient.

Happy Day After New Year!

New Year's Day was a really lazy day...mostly because I woke up with a bit of a hangover. The wedding was SO much fun. The ceremony and the happy couple were absolutely gorgeous, the reception was fabulous, the food was delicious...and the wine flowed like water.

I ended up wearing the cocktail dress, because although I assumed the shimmery top would fit, when I put it on…it was way TOO BIG! Thank goodness the cocktail dress did still fit or I wouldn't have had anything to wear. It's that stretchy material that lets you go up or down a size or two, and just shrinks (or stretches) to fit. I AM happy to say, the dress fit much more comfortably than it did this summer. I guess that's a NSV?

Hub has also been losing weight, and when he put on his suit, the pants literally were falling off him and the coat hung on him. So he had to wear a belt to keep his pants on. Still, he looked so handsome...but he definitely needs to get a new suit.

We left the reception early enough so we could get home before midnight. There are always fireworks at midnight, which B hates, and I wanted to be with him so he wouldn't be too afraid. It was fortunate we left when we did, otherwise the hangover would have probably been much worse. Still, a hangover of any size usually saps me of any motivation to do much and yesterday was no exception. I did almost nothing all day except sit on the couch and watch old movies on TCM.

However, today is another story! I'm just finishing my coffee and after I post this, I'll be jumping on the treadmill for an hour. I also have a few organizational things I need to get done around the house, plus take down the tree and put away all the Christmas stuff.

So, I better get busy…time's a wasting. Have a great weekend!