This made me laugh...

Your Saturday morning chuckle...

The Past...

When I first started this blog back in 2008, I had a lot of emotional issues regarding my weight, food, perfectionism, OCD...you name it.  As a result of blogging and gentle prodding from some other wonderful bloggers, I finally realized how debilitating some of my "rules" for myself were becoming...how abnormal my responses to everyday living situations were.  I finally decided to go into therapy in early 2009.  For the majority of that year and 2010, I spent a lot of time (and money) working through my issues with a therapist who specializes in treating eating disorders and distorted body image.  (I'm still in therapy, but only going once a month to help me stay emotionally healthy.)

During that time, I also shared a lot of my therapy insights on this blog...but have not felt the need so much lately.  I'm much better and although I still have my moments when the old stinkin' thinkin' rears its head, in general I feel pretty good about myself.  The negative voices are mostly quiet these days.  And although my mother drives me crazy, for the most part I've made peace within myself regarding the things that happened during my childhood. 

Then I started scanning old photos....and some of the photos are bringing up old crap. 

Right now I'm scanning slides from the mid- to late-1960's, when I was about 12-15 years old.  My dad took a lot of slides, but I don't remember even seeing most of them before.

(I always wondered how people were expected to view slides...you couldn't just look at them, like photos in a book.  You had to set up the projector, and the screen, and be sure the slides are loaded in the tray in just the right way, and you could only watch them in a dark room...what a production! but I digress...)  

The first thing that I noticed...

I was SKINNY.  Really skinny.  Not just normal weight, or even thin.  I was a stick.  In some of the pictures I actually look unwell.

But my mother was anorexic and told me I was overweight. I needed to watch what I ate.  I needed to diet.  (We often dieted together.)   I was not allowed to have sweets.  She even told me once that she was tired of buying me clothes that I just outgrew...it didn't matter that I outgrew them because I was getting "taller"...in her mind, it was because I was getting "bigger..." and in her twisted mind, that equated to "fatter." 

Not too long ago, she was still ruminating out loud, wondering why my brother and I were fat growing up... "because I was always so careful about what I fed you."   (In fact, my brother was very thin too.)

When you grow up with that kind of craziness, you learn to not trust your own eyes or instincts.  If SHE says I'm fat...well, then I must be. 

The second thing I noticed (actually it was noticed by Hub first)... 

Hub was looking at the photos as I scanned them, and he asked "Why did you always have black eyes?  It looks like someone was beating up on you!"  I had no idea.  I started looking through the photos, and I have black eyes in about a dozen of them.

I wrote a post a long time ago, about why I think I developed an eating disorder.  In two of the photos on that post, I have really dark circles under my eyes.  In the photo of me posing with my toys, where I'm pretty little, I always thought it was because I'd been sick.  In the last photo, I'm not sure if I just look haunted or if I actually have black eyes for some reason.

I remember my mother would often beat on my brother because he messed up his homework.  (The way she would hit him is very reminiscent of this recent story.)  I do remember her frequently screaming at me and coming at me like she was going to scratch my eyes out.  She did like to slap me, but I don't remember it ever causing me black eyes. 

So I talked to Dr. D about it the other day, and showed the pictures to her.  She said it does look like I had been punched or at least slapped REALLY hard and she says it's possible I'm dissociating, which she says is not unusual.  (My brother and I are not close, and we don't talk much about our childhood, so I doubt he would tell me even if he remembers.  He prefers to be stoic.)

Is it possible I accidentally fell on my face A LOT?  If I did, I don't remember it...  

I hesitated to write this post and share these things.  Growing up, it was too shameful to admit to what was going on in our house...that my mother drank, starved herself, was often violent, and told me I was the most horrible child God ever created.  I really didn't want anyone to know what was going on, because it was obviously my own fault. 

It's cathartic for me to put it out there now.  I'm fortunate I have such a wonderful therapist, as well as a really supportive husband.  So things like these photos, that would have devastated me a few years ago, don't anymore.  They make me kind of angry, but I do get past things a lot more quickly these days.  I can actually look at them now with equanimity.  My goal now is to continue to put together the pieces of the puzzle, and keep getting better. 

As they say in Overeaters Anonymous, "We're only as sick as our secrets."   

Seahawks NFC Champs!

I'm not a huge football fan, but it's hard to not get caught up in the excitement. 

Treadmill time

It felt good to do some real exercise, the first in quite a while. 

463.5 calories burned; 3.52 miles

And my foot didn't hurt at all. 

Tomorrow is Today

Well, as always happens, tomorrow turned into today...who the heck could have anticipated that?

So.  Gym.  Workout.  Fitness!!!  Yay!

Except so far today I've done nothing much but sit on my butt. 

But the day is young.  Fitness will be had. 

And....Just to get myself started, I've joined Kyra's Chasing the Stars Virtual 5K!

After I take B to the park, I'll start off with a few miles on the treadmill.

Let the games begin!

14

14....

That's the size of uniform pants I bought yesterday.  Aaaargh.  I am not happy.

I don't like the pants you normally get at a uniform store.  As you might guess, a fire department uniform is just NOT designed for women.  The majority of pants available from a uniform store are men's.  The women's uniform pants selections are very limited, never fit me right, are never long enough, and I usually don't like the material.  Yes, I'm fussy.  I have to wear a uniform almost every day...and since I like to be comfortable and I know what makes me comfortable, I have made my own adjustments over the years.  This includes a buying my own pants from a regular store.  But  the pants have to have belt loops and both front and back pockets.  The pockets cannot be fancy with any flaps or obvious stitching or buttons.  They have to be just plain plain plain.  It's hard to find pants like that, so I often go to Banana Republic...they are the only place I've found that always has plain black trousers with pockets and belt loops and in a longer length. 

However, the last time I bought some pants at Banana Republic was a few years ago.  The pants I've been wearing lately were some off brand I bought at Target a while back, but they were getting kind of ratty.  They were a 12, but I don't really know what size that compares to in a better, more consistently sized pant such as you get at Banana Republic.   

So I decided to head back to Banana Republic.

The last time I was there, probably late 2011, I bought pants in a size 12 and a few years before that, it was a size 10.  Back then I was doing cardio and lifting weights at least 4 days a week.  Now I'm in a 14????  I don't want to keep heading in that direction.  Definitely, I am not happy. 
  
I don't weigh myself, so my only measure of how I'm doing is by how my clothes fit.  My diet overall has been pretty good, but diet doesn't keep you toned and strong.  And if I'm not super careful, the pounds do creep up...a little here and there.

I think this means I need to get my ass in gear and back to the gym on a consistent basis.  I'm starting tomorrow.   

 

Back on my feet!

Today was the first day I felt really good.  I spent two weeks with this crappy cold, coughing, sniffling, and fainting.

Yes, fainting...I have naturally low blood pressure, it's usually around 110/60.  In many ways it's good, because I'll probably never have a stroke (it's especially good, because high blood pressure runs in my family, and my dad had kidney problems and heart disease from high BP).  But the downside of low BP is it can cause fainting. 

So I am not a stranger to fainting...I have probably fainted 30 times in my life, the first time was when I was a little girl.  It can be from getting too hot, getting up too fast, or even seeing something unpleasant (like my own blood), or being upset.  I am used to it, know what it is, how to handle it.  I usually just lie down, pass out, and then I'm fine.

Hub is used to it too, and knows what to do.  He also knows to not over-react... if other people are around, they often will freak out and want to call 9-1-1, but he just says "oh, she'll be fine in a minute."  They might think he's a bit callous, but I always AM fine.  

But when I get sick my BP tends to get even lower.  And I might faint without much provocation.  Just standing up will do it.  We were in church on Saturday, I was feeling "okay" but all of a sudden, I got "that feeling."  So I sat down, passed out on Hub's shoulder, and woke up a few minutes later.  Hub was taking my pulse.  (Fortunately, we were sitting in the back of the church, so no one else even noticed.  I've actually learned over the years how to be unobtrusive while fainting.)  I felt okay, but a few minutes later, I passed out again.  Every time I stood up, I started to pass out.  Then it happened when I was just sitting there.  It happened about 5 times over the course of the hour we were in church.  This was a little weird, as I don't usually faint repeatedly.  I can only imagine how low my BP was.  Needless to say, we just went home after church.  I had something to eat, had a big glass of water, and went to bed. 

I felt fine the next day, with no residual effects and no fainting.  In retrospect, I think it was probably partly that I hadn't been eating much for at least a week.  When I get sick, I tend to not eat or drink enough fluids, so I was probably a bit dehydrated.

The moral of the story is…I need to pay more attention to  keeping hydrated when I'm sick.

Anyway, today was the first day I actually felt "perky."  I think I might go to the gym tomorrow! 

Old photos

I'm still sick.  I had a work commitment on Monday and Tuesday that I had to honor.  I was feeling better, so I went in even though I wasn't 100 percent.  I don't think I'm contagious, but the cold seems to have evolved into something else.  By the end of yesterday, I had completely lost my voice.   I didn't have anything on my schedule today, so I decided to stay home.  If I don't get better by tomorrow, I'll call the doctor. 

A few weeks ago, I was at my mother's house and took home a huge box of old photos.  We just purchased a photo scanner, so I spent the morning scanning and scanning.  I started with some old school photos.

About 6 years old, no front teeth...looks like the sweater was buttoned crooked...

I'm guessing I was around 9...love the "hairdo"!

About age 12...fighting the natural curls...

Around 15

High school yearbook photo 1971

It's fun going through all the old photos, but it's going to be a real project to get them all organized.

So far, even though I'm sick, I've been sticking to my low carb plan.  I had intended to start exercising this week, but it will have to wait.  

Being Productive...

I've been sitting around on my butt mostly since New Year's Eve, due to this head cold.  I felt a bit better on Friday, so went into work to catch up a bit.  Spent about 4 hours there, came home, felt like crap that evening and yesterday.  Today I'm feeling better again, so tomorrow I should be able to start the first "full" week of 2014 on an up note.

Last year, I had a New Year's Resolution which was kind of vague, but which I kept for a number of months.  It was "Do one productive thing every day."  The productive thing was whatever I deemed productive...be it a large or small activity, or physical or intellectual (although it does need to be above and beyond something I normally "must" do every day, like the dishes).  I can be a very lazy person if I allow myself.  I know I spend way too much time "unproductively" on the computer (just surfing or playing games), sitting around watching television, or whatever.  When I started last year with that resolution, I found that doing one productive thing often led to another productive thing, and another.  I remember I got a lot done!  So I started today with the productive things of: several loads of laundry, and taking down the Christmas tree.

This year, to keep myself on track, I'm going to actually write down what I did each day.  I'm already looking forward to next New Year's Eve and seeing all the productive things I've done in 2014.