A few laughs before the New Year

Thanks to Judith writing about a book called "Be Bold with Bananas," I ran across this list of the 10 worst library books of 2011. If you just want a good laugh, go there.

Be sure to also follow the link for the book that Judith provides. It will take you to Amazon, where the banana book got one star from the only reviewer, and the review is hilarious. I am still laughing.

However, in my opinion, one of the pictures from a book on the list, about Macrame, is REALLY disturbing.I'm not sure I will be able to sleep tonight without nightmares.

Relax!

I am off work until next Tuesday!!! I'm really looking forward to 4 days off...

Tomorrow, I'm planning to sleep late, take B to the park, work out (treadmill and weights), and then clean up our house. After Christmas, I just collapsed and so our house is a wreck. And then I'm just going to relax.

Saturday, we are going to our VFW Post's New Year's Eve party with 3 other couples. Buffet dinner, dancing to a cheesy band, and cheap champagne at midnight. Our VFW Post is nothing fancy, but it's a place where we feel really comfortable.

Four days of relaxation and fun!

In the photo, I was about 21 years old (in the mid-70's). Hard to believe I was ever that young. I still sleep with pillows squished up that way (and probably still with my mouth open).

iPad post!

I got an iPad for Christmas! Hub got me the one with 3G but that costs extra for the data plan. I'll have to see whether I find I actually need it because there really are so many wi fi hotspots around.

So far I've spent about 20 minutes figuring out how it works, setting up my email accounts, and iTunes. It's really just a big iPhone! If you can figure out an iPhone, you can figure out an iPad.

Now I'm going to see if I can add a photo...

Well no luck with that.

Anyway I just want to post this and see how it looks...

Bye for now!

Merry Christmas!

Wishing everyone a joy-filled Christmas 2011!

Therapy is a Gift

I spent almost the whole 1-1/2 hour session today with Dr D talking about the bathing suit incident. I really wanted to know why I reacted so badly and why I felt so traumatized by it. I appreciate Dr D so much because she always provides me with a reality check. Sometimes, she just listens and validates how I am feeling.

We talked about how it felt to have a photo like that posted on "the internet". Even though this was not my friend's intention, I felt embarrassed, ashamed and even violated. Since I was asleep and therefore unaware that the photo was being taken, it almost felt like being photographed while in the bedroom or bathroom. I know this sounds a bit dramatic, but since I have a history of being shamed and ridiculed about my body at a young age, this incident just brought back those awful traumatic feelings.

I am feeling better today. It is amazing how talking about these things in a safe environment can take away so much of their power

Today was my last day of work until Tuesday. My husband didn't realize until I came home tonight that I was off until the day after Christmas. When I told him, he said, "I'm so glad…I love having you home." Is that sweet or what? I'm so lucky.

I'm pretty much done with my Christmas shopping, I just need to get a few cards, and maybe a fun little gift for Buster. This year, I'm really excited about my gift for my husband, it's a one-of-a-kind item, and pretty amazing if I do say so myself. I'll share more information after Christmas if anyone is interested.

Tomorrow I'm visiting my mom to help her put up her Christmas tree, and if she says anything about my weight, I intend to tell her the same thing I told our friends in Hawaii… "My doctor told me I am fine the way I am and that I should just stop thinking about my weight. So I am not going to discuss this anymore." Of course, saying this same thing to her will work in any situation, so I actually feel pretty comfortable about Christmas Day too.

This makes me realize that even though it seems like a slow (never-ending) process, I really am getting better. So therapy has been the best Christmas gift I could ever give myself.

I Feel Fat

Although I vowed a while ago that this blog would no longer be focused on my weight, I need to write this post so that I can deal with what is going on in my mind.

Today I feel fat. Really fat. I have not weighed myself since we got back from vacation, and I didn't weigh before we left, so I do not have any numerical data to back up this feeling. But based on the way my work clothes fit, I'm guessing I weigh 173, which is 10 lbs more than my lowest weight.

The reason I am so upset is while we were on vacation, one of our friends took photos of all of us lying by the pool (I had fallen asleep so I didn't know he was doing this) and posted them on his Picassa website. As I casually perused the on-line album, entitled "Hawaii Vacation," I unexpectedly came across a photo of me and was just shocked. As in sick-to-my-stomach, heart-palpitations-from-anxiety shocked. The term "beached whale" immediately came to my mind. I quickly emailed him and asked him to please remove the photo from the album, which he did, but I am still horrified that others might have seen it before it was removed. (I know he wasn't doing it to be funny or mean, because there were literally dozens of bad photos. He is one of those guys who just posts everything that is on his camera. He doesn't even delete really crappy photos, like accidental shots of the floor; so he certainly would not have given any thought to taking out unflattering photos of his friends before publishing the album.)

Now that picture keeps popping up in my mind. I almost feel like I am suffering from PTSD. Although the reality is that no one probably even gave more than a glance at this photo, I just can't stop imagining people laughing at what I look liked in that photo.

I always think I am over this self-destructive thought process, and I know I should love myself no matter what I weigh. But the old eating disorder voice is telling me I am too fat to be seen in public. How could I have possibly thought, for 3 weeks, that I looked "okay" enough in a bathing suit to let people see me without a cover up??? In fact, I even canceled a massage appointment because I didn't want my massage therapist to see what I look like. Now I am dreading Christmas, because I imagine my mom will make some comment about my gaining weight.

Funny how one little thing (like a candid photo) can wipe away years of emotional progress. So far this week, I have been a wreck. I have been restricting my food and exercising every day. I know this is not a good way to deal with my emotions, but I am panic stricken. I have tried deal with this by telling myself "I AM NOT FAT…I AM NOT FAT" but it does not seem to be getting through to my psyche. I will have to talk to Dr D about this. Thank goodness I have an appointment on Wednesday.

Time to GO HOME!

Today is our last full day in Hawaii before heading home tomorrow. The last of our company left on Monday, which is good. Even though they were all staying at the hotel next door, and not technically "with" us, it has been nice to not worry about what anyone else wants to do, or eat, etc. Hub and I have just been hanging out, being lazy, watching TV, reading.

Earlier this week, we went to the Punchbowl Cemetery (also known as National Memorial Cemetery of the Pacific). It is a very spiritual place, and it is wonderful to see the care and respect that is given to the graves of those who have served our country. Over 34,000 veterans of World War I, World War II, the Korean, and Vietnam wars have been interred there.

Just one of the many plaques and memorials at the Cemetery
Inscription under this statue of Lady Liberty:
The solemn pride that must be yours
to have laid so costly a sacrifice
upon the altar of freedom.

View of Diamond Head and Waikiki from the Punchbowl

On Wednesday evening, I also went to the Pearl Harbor Remembrance Parade which started only about one block from our condo. Several Pearl Harbor survivors were grand marshals for the parade. It was quite a moving experience, as they were cheered wholeheartedly and everyone stood when their cars went by. Here are just a few of them, the whole procession of their cars lasted about 2 minutes.



I just finished reading "The Art of Racing in the Rain" by Garth Stein. Of course, I was a weepy basket case when I was done and now I'm extremely anxious to get home to see my dog. We'll get in late Saturday, so I won't get to see him until Sunday morning. From what Auntie Pam has been telling me, he is doing just fine, competing for lap time with Olive and Kermit. I can't wait to pick him up and give him a big hug.

On the work front, I got a 3 word text message from my (fairly new) assistant last night..."PLEASE COME BACK." This made me smile but also feel a bit anxious at the same time. It's nice to feel needed, but what the heck must be going on for him to express that at 11:30 at night Seattle time? He's probably just a bit out of his depth because he hasn't worked in our division long enough to really know the answers to many of the questions I'm sure came up while I was away. After all, he's only been there about 9 months, and I've been there almost 25 years. As for the anxiety I'm feeling, I just need to remember that all the work piling up on my desk does not need to be done my first day back. I can triage it all first, and then deal with it one project at a time.

I hope everyone is having a nice start to their weekend. Do you have all your Christmas shopping done? It's hard to believe it is only a little over two weeks until Christmas.


I hope you like this short video of a beautifully decorated fire truck...Mele Kalikimaka!

People and their obsessions

Aloha! We are still in Hawaii.

We've had a really nice time with a variety of friends and relatives coming and going. We had a wonderful week with my husband's long time friend and his two daughters, who are both just a kick and the nicest people I know. We did some fun things including hiking to the top of Diamond Head Crater. They left on Thursday.

Here I am at the top of Diamond Head

However…now some other friends are visiting that caused me some advance anxiety. They are obsessive about many things, but especially food and their weight. They are both tall and thin, and talk constantly about what they eat, what they don't eat, how much they work out, what they look like. And what others look like, how fat they are, etc.

I talked to Dr D a lot about this before vacation, because I know the effect they have on me, and I wanted to know how to handle it. Well, last night, at dinner, the talk started. "I've had too many carbs today." "We will have to walk a few extra miles tomorrow." Etc, etc. My husband loves to talk about this stuff in the abstract (as in nutritional terms), so he was right in there with them.

As the discussion went on, I could feel my anxiety building. Finally, I said "My doctor told me I am fine the way I am and I should just stop thinking about my weight. So I am not going to discuss this topic anymore." Not in a mean way, but just giving them a heads up that I didn't like focusing on this subject.

This morning, I'm feeling rather good about how I handled it. Empowered. At least I didn't just let the craziness go on and on, nor did I partake in the unhealthy mind games. They are leaving on Monday, so I think I can handle another few days. And if they start up again on the weight, I'll just repeat what I said last night. "My doctor says I'm fine the way I am so I'm not going to discuss this anymore."

I know I've gained a few pounds since we've come to Hawaii, but I really don't care. Seriously, I'm not just saying that! It's a different mind set than I've ever had before and it feels wonderful to really not care. I know whatever I've gained will come back off when we start to eat normally again at home. But I'm not going to worry about it!

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

P.S. In case you read the original version of this post, you might notice I've changed some of the characterizations of our visitors, which were extremely negative and not very nice. In retrospect, I realized this is not the best way to handle these situations. Positive...that's what I need to be in all things.

Green Bugs in Paradise

I found this bug on our wall this morning. I'm not sure what he is, but he was cute! But the idea of him wandering around our condo was not appealing, so I threw him off the balcony and he flew into the trees. I'm thinking he's some kind of grasshopper.

After I put the photo on my Facebook page, my sister-in-law, who stayed in our condo a few years ago, commented that she saw the same bug while she and my brother-in-law were here. (Not sure she meant "the exact same" bug...that would be too weird.) But she said it is considered a good luck bug. So I'm glad I didn't squish him, but I sure hope I didn't "throw out" our good luck when I threw him out the door.

Vacation in Hawaii!

We are on vacation until December 11! We arrived Friday afternoon, and got to enjoy the Friday night fireworks from our condo.

So far, I've been sleeping a lot (travel and "preparation for" always wears me out), and we've been shopping for groceries and some necessary items. We went to church this morning at the beautiful Queen of Peace Cathedral.

No beach time yet, but we have friends arriving tomorrow, so it should be more fun and relaxing once they get here.

Friday night fireworks on Waikiki Beach
This is just the last 30 seconds...the whole show was over 4 minutes long!

Assignments from my morning meeting

I love being the boss.

Comparison

I've decided to give in to my weight obsession briefly...

For all my worrying about my weight, and what I look like, and what people think of me, the fact is...I am totally clueless about my size. At 5'9" and 165 lbs, I tend to over-estimate because I no longer weigh 135 lbs (which is what I weighed in high school).

And since I entered menopause about 3 years ago, my stomach started getting a bit flabbier, and I'm very self conscious about it. I'm always very critical of what I look like, and this has been just one more thing to criticize.

Then I saw these photos of a famous singer in concert. (I've never been a big fan, but I do like some of her music, especially for working out.) This celebrity has gone through a lot in the last few years, and although she doesn't have a so-called "perfect" body anymore, I thought she looked pretty good. Then I read the accompanying article and the comments by the public. Although there were a few snarky comments, the general consensus is that she looks FINE (it's the clothing that's awful). As exhibited by the following comments:

• What belly???? Excuse me but her body is NORMAL for a person her age! She does look good.
• I think her body is really good, just that the clothes are very bad.
• Why are celebs not allowed to age? She looks fine.
• She does look good. she looks like a healthy woman.
• She isn’t fat by any means…although yes she is a bit bigger than her younger days.
• Her body looks really good, for anyone.
• Girl has a great figure. She is a woman who has to work at that great figure. She eats crap like most people do on occasion and her waistline pays for it. Regardless, she still looks very good in the awful costumes she dons when on stage. I have seen some pretty terrible things at the beach in bikinis in the summer and I would be grateful if there were more women who had bods like hers there!
• Ya her costumes are horrible but she looks awesome -
• She maybe not as thin as before but she doesn’t even come close to being fat.
• I think she looks like she is a healthy weight,
• And to me she looks a perfectly healthy weight. It’s the clothes that look like hell, not her.
• She has a wonderful figure but not a slender teenage figure. good for her being ok showing off her normal figure. the outfit choice could have been better if she wanted to be showy.. but she is NOT FAT. glad theres pics of her like this to show girls shes not perfect, and drive down the eating disorder rates.
• Frankly, I’d LOVE to have a body like hers.
• She looks fine physically for a 30 year old woman.
• Fat? Stop being bitchy. She looks great!
• She’s not fat…I mean COME ON.

Hub saw the photos too. Then to my surprise, he said, "You know, your body is not much different from hers." I was a bit taken aback. You've got to be kidding...No way!

But it did get me to thinking...

These photos of me were taken by Hub when we first started 4HB in January. I've lost about 5 lbs since then and I've been working out a lot, so my stomach is actually a bit more toned than in these photos. And I'm almost 59. So this celebrity is almost 30 years younger than I am.

Don't worry, folks...I still won't be wearing a two-piece in public.

And I'm not posting these photos to get compliments or criticism.

It's merely a form of therapy...a reality check, if you will.

If this celebrity can proudly exhibit her body, I can certainly be more accepting of mine.

Shallow?

When I started posting again, it was my intention to not make this blog about my weight anymore.

It's amazing how hard that is to do. I think that's why I've been so sporadic about posting. My weight has always been my obsession, so now that I'm trying to not obsess about it, I don't have much to say.

Does that make me a shallow person?

Listening to my Heart, Part 2

I can’t believe how long it’s been since I last posted. For all my good intentions to post regularly, I have been lazy.

Do you remember the post from earlier this year when I talked about my heart beating like crazy? Well, it happened again at work a few weeks ago. I was having a really crappy day, and had just gotten off the phone with a difficult contractor. My heart started jumping all over the place. I kept waiting for it to quit, but after about 45 minutes, I told my boss that I was feeling weird and I had heart palpitations. She took my BP and pulse; my BP was 190 over 106 (my normal BP is 120 over 70), and my pulse was around 160 and irregular. So, of course she called the aid car.

When they arrived, they took my BP again, which was still really high. Everyone kept asking me if I was on BP medication...I kept explaining that my normal BP is really low. Then the guys carted me off to the ER, taking EKG’s all the way. Since I work with these guys, I was embarrassed but also thankful that I was among friends. I had never been in an aid car as a passenger before, so it was an interesting experience.

By the time we got to the ER, my heart had calmed down. After spending several hours in the ER and being subjected to a battery of tests, I was feeling fine. Everyone there was so nice. (The fact that the ER doctor was really cute was an extra bonus.) He told me the EKG showed Atrial Fibrillation (AFib), which he said, “may or may not be a life threatening condition." Well, gee, that's really helpful, Doc. Snort.

Because of my family history of heart disease and the risk of stroke associated with AFib, he told me to see a cardiologist as soon as I could. So I got an appointment the next day. They did a whole work up, had me wear a heart monitor for 24 hours, and also did a stress echocardiogram. I did so well on the stress echo that the doctor supervising the procedure told me I had the heart function of a 30 year old. (Yay me! Apparently all that compulsive exercise has paid off.)

So what’s the diagnosis? “Paroxysmal, or lone, atrial fibrillation without heart disease.” Aka LAF. Basically an electrical problem…"Atrial fibrillation is an arrhythmia, characterized by grossly disorganized atrial electrical activity, which is irregular in respect to both rate and rhythm." It can happen when we are older because the heart develops additional electrical circuits, which misfire. Those of us who have this condition even have our own name…we are called Afibbers!

From the Afibbers.org website:
Most cases of atrial fibrillation are caused by heart disease or an abnormality of the heart. However, between 12 and 30 per cent of all cases do not involve an underlying heart problem. These cases are classified as lone atrial fibrillation (LAF) or "paroxysmal atrial fibrillation." It is generally accepted that lone atrial fibrillation (LAF) is characterized by the absence of heart abnormalities or heart disease. This means that LAF is not life-threatening and is far less likely to precipitate a stroke than is atrial fibrillation involving heart problems.

"LAF is not life-threatening and less likely to precipitate a stroke"...Well, that's a relief!

So in my case, it's mostly an annoying and distracting condition. The cardiologist gave me the option of going on medication or trying to manage it by lifestyle change. I chose lifestyle change. Since it can be caused by a variety of things, I had to figure out what lifestyle change meant to me:

A full 50% of all respondents listed stress as a trigger. Physical overexertion was next at 24% closely followed by alcohol (including wine) and lack of sleep at 22% each. The digestive period following a heavy meal was a trigger for 18%, caffeine was mentioned by 16%...Other triggers mentioned were aged cheese, sugar, food additives...It is clear that the triggers for LAF are many and varied and highly specific to each individual except for excessive emotional and physical stress which are pretty well universal.

I left out a lot of the trigger list because it literally went on and on. But one interesting item I found in my research about things I can do to avoid an episode:

The most important dietary changes were elimination of wheat, gluten and dairy products, and a switch to the Paleo diet.

Our 4HB Diet is very similar to the Paleo Diet. It's basically a low-carb diet, but without much dairy; and obviously low carb means no wheat or gluten. In retrospect, it's interesting that I recognized even before I knew what "it" was is that "it" seemed to be triggered on our 4HB cheat day, after eating lots of carbs and drinking more alcohol than usual. So my initial thought of cutting back on the amount of sugar I consumed on cheat day was instinctively correct.

So now I’m taking one aspirin a day (to deal with the blood clot risk), trying to reduce my stress, drinking only one coffee a day, trying not to overdo carbs and alcohol on cheat day, taking coEnzyme Q10, fish oil, magnesium and potassium, getting enough sleep, etc. I’m still getting episodes, but they have been less frequent and much milder. The fact that I know what the problem is and that the condition is not life-threatening has lessened the anxiety and probably therefore the severity too.

Life is getting back to normal after that experience and Hub's surgery. I really like normal. I'm looking forward to the weekend, spending time with Hub and B, and taking it easy.

Take care, everyone. I'll be in touch!

Word Clouds

I am often amazed at the stuff on the internet. There's a site that lets you take a string of text and turn it into a "word cloud." The words that are used most in the text are then given larger type. Here's a word cloud from my post on visiting Sedona, buying the little Peruvian dog figure, etc. Just for fun.... I was thinking if you had a poem or story or even a letter from a loved one, anything that really meant a lot to you, you could turn it into a word cloud.

There's no place like home

It's SO unbelievably good to be home. Today's trip was pretty uneventful, which was what I was hoping for.

There were some gorgeous clouds and interesting views from the plane.



Buster was really glad to see me, he hasn't left my side since we got home.

Well, sorry for the short post, I'm tired and it's time for bed. I have to work tomorrow and still need to unpack.

Going Home

Yes! I can't wait to get home. Back to my routine. Back to my DOG!

I'm a bit nervous about the trip itself because Hub is still in a lot of pain when walking, but we will get through it. I'm concerned about the luggage, since he's not allowed to lift anything weighing more than 5 lbs. Mostly I'm concerned that he will TRY to lift some of it, and I'll have to yell at him.

He got out of the hospital on Thursday, and we've taken it easy for the past few days. We did drive to Sedona (about 30 miles away) for lunch yesterday and I did a bit of shopping. Not sure exactly what attracted me to this little guy, but he made me smile and I had to buy him:

"Day of the Dead" Dog
(Peruvian Folk Art)

I'm really looking forward to seeing Buster. We have a friend staying at our house to take care of him. Our friend also has a little dog who gets along great with B, and the three of them have been going to the park 3 or 4 times a day. B has just been in heaven with that because he just lives to go to the park. He'll probably be really sad after our friend leaves since he won't be getting multiple walks a day.

Wish us luck with the trip home!

Greetings from Arizona

Flagstaff, Arizona! So what the heck am I doing here?

My husband has needed to have back surgery for a long time...in fact, since I met him almost 25 years ago. He has kept putting it off, I think because the idea of someone cutting into his back was really scary. His brother, who has the same hereditary back issue, finally went to a neurosurgeon in Flagstaff last year, because he knows him personally but mostly because this guy walks on water, at least as far as neurosurgery goes. And Hub knows him, just a bit, through business connections. So even though we have the best medical care in the Seattle area, he wanted to have the surgery in Flagstaff. So we traveled all this way for back surgery. We flew from Seattle to Phoenix last Sunday and then drove to Flagstaff.

We are staying in a very nice hotel, in a handicapped unit. Well, right now, it's just me, because Hub had the surgery on Tuesday and is still in the hospital. But he's doing really well, and we expect he will get out tomorrow. Then we'll stick around Flagstaff until around next Tuesday, flying home then.

So, what's on my mind?

Can you guess?

Of course you can…my weight!

I've been eating crap for the past two weeks…stressed out is my excuse. Not being in my normal routine is my sub-excuse. Bottom line is I've gained I-don't-know-how-much weight. Maybe 7-8 lbs, who knows, I don't have access to a scale.

All I packed was sweats, shorts, capris, t-shirts. Well, the doc (who as I said we know somewhat aside from his doctoring) invited us to a picnic at his home on Saturday afternoon. I had nothing to wear, so I went shopping today and bought a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, and a cute jacket. (I thought it was going to be hot here, but it's been rainy and cool, so I totally packed the wrong things.) Evidence of the weight gain is I'd been in a size 10 jeans all summer but had to buy a size 12.

But you know what?

I'm not freaked out about it! I know that when I get back in my routine, I will get back down to my 10's. That's real progress…the not freaking out, I mean.

Another positive thing is, rather than sitting on my backside all day, I finally worked out at the hotel gym today and felt great afterwards. Food has been pretty good today, and I think I've worked out all my junk food desires because I literally ate nothing but crap the last few days. And eating crap makes you feel like crap. Duh. Like I didn't know that. Yes, I obviously still use food for comfort and to deal with stress, but now I recognize it and accept it as part of my emotional makeup. Eating stuff that is bad for me doesn't make me a bad person.

I'm feeling a new-found desire to start blogging again on a regular basis, and I have been thinking of a new positive approach that has almost nothing to do with my weight. So I'll be keeping in touch.

Time to go visit Hub in the hospital. Take care, everyone!

I Wonder What's Up with Me?

After not posting for quite a while, I wish this could be an uplifting or happy post. The fact is I find myself really emotional lately. I seem to cry at the drop of a hat. I walk around with a constant lump in my throat. I don't think I'm depressed, but everything seems to set me off.

• The heart wrenching photo of the faithful dog at the Navy Seal's funeral.
  

• The hungry kitten video that Oct posted on her blog. I thought it was cute until I made the mistake of watching it on Youtube and saw the back story.

• The beautiful opera singer on America's Got Talent. Her singing is so amazing, I just started crying. (So this is not really a "sad" moment, just emotional.)

• Talking to Dr D about my grandmother. I don't understand how, 40 years after her death, I can't talk about her without crying. I still miss her so much.

• Finally (and I realize this is the most pathetic thing to be sad about)...My mother telling me that I need a facelift. A few days ago, I drove all the way to Tacoma to go with her to the doctor. Afterwards, we're just standing in the parking lot talking about a few things. and all of a sudden she starts to pick apart my face. She points out my sagging jowls and drooping eyelids. When she's done pointing out my facial defects, I'm surprised that other people in the parking lot didn't run away screaming because I'm apparently pretty scary looking. On my way home, alone in my car, I just cried for 20 minutes.

Well, I'm sorry this long overdue post is nothing but a litany of what's making me sad these days. I'll try to write a more positive post soon.

Burn Out

Don't ask me what this means...
it came up when I did a google image search on "Burn Out"

No, I didn’t fall off the face of the earth. I wasn't kidnapped by pirates nor stranded on a remote desert island without internet access.

I really appreciate the folks who inquired as to my well-being. Actually I’m okay. I haven’t even “fallen off the wagon” or anything like that. My weight has stayed pretty much the same for the past few months.

In fact, I had my annual physical the other day, and my doc and I had a really good conversation. She's a very nice person, kind and sincere. Even though I only see her once a year, she always wants to know how I really am. Not just physically, but emotionally. We talked about my childhood, my tendency toward depression, my history of eating disorders, and the therapy I'm in right now. I told her in spite of all the work I'm doing, I can't seem to stop thinking about my weight, and how I always think I need to lose another 5 lbs, or 10, or whatever the elusive, or potentially insane, number du jour happens to be. At which point, she told me I don't need to lose any weight. In fact, she told me not only do I not need to lose any weight, I need to stop thinking about my weight. As in..."Stop thinking about IT!" Stop worrying, stop obsessing...just STOP! Good advice, but how to go about accomplishing that? Even when I'm not weighing myself, I still think about it constantly.

Even before I went to the doctor, I had gradually come to a vague realization that I’m suffering from burn out. I realized I’m tired of thinking about dieting, tired of being on a diet, even tired of reading others “weight loss” blogs and coming up with relevant or helpful comments. I’m tired of thinking about IT…the IT that has been my constant companion since I was 10 years old. A 48-year-long obsession about something that, to be honest, has never really been that far out of whack.

All of a sudden, the idea of writing a post, especially weight related, was just exhausting. Blogging seemed to have lost its allure for me so I even briefly contemplated closing down my blog. Then I remembered how much it has meant to me, and all the nice, caring people I've met in the blogosphere. The idea of fading away totally made me feel sad. So I'm not closing down. But right now, I'm feeling like I need an emotional break from thinking about IT too much, at least for a while. And the doctor visit just confirmed what I was thinking, so on "Doctor's orders" I'm taking a break.

I’m pretty sure this respite is just temporary. I’ll be lurking about, leaving comments when I’m really inspired, and perhaps writing a post when I feel the need. When I do, the post may not...make that, probably WILL NOT...even be about weight, just life.

So, this post is just to let you all know I’m fine. I know I’ll be back, just not sure when. In the meantime, take care, everyone. Keep fighting the good fight!

Listening to my heart

I'm still following 4HB pretty closely. I'm still not weighing myself, but the test pants seem to be getting looser. Today my massage therapist told me to stop losing weight, but I think he was just being sweet. Believe me, I still have plenty of meat on my bones!

On our Saturday cheat day, we had sushi for dinner (we shared California roll, spicy tuna roll, dragon roll, and a few other rolls). Hub had beer but I had sake...because I love sake! After we got home, I had a couple (okay, more like 3 or 4) scoops of gelato for dessert...

...Then about an hour later, I started having severe heart palpitations. To the point that Hub wanted to go to the emergency room. He kept taking my pulse and could really feel it jumping around. But since I wasn't having any other symptoms, like chest pain or shortness of breath, I told him I wanted to just wait a while, to see if it would pass.

So we waited. In the meantime, my heart felt like it was flopping around inside my chest. It kept either skipping a beat or adding a beat, I couldn't tell.

Boom boom...ba Ba BA BOOM...Long pause...Boom boom...ba Ba BA BOOM...Long pause.

For over 2 hours.

It finally calmed down after I drank a huge glass of water and took a magnesium/potassium tablet.

After being on a generally low carb diet for a couple of months, I'm pretty sure my body can't handle all the sugar shock (rice, rice wine, gelato). In retrospect, I've had heart palpitations after cheat day before, but never this badly. Bottom line is, I should have known better. (*Thumping self up side of the head.*)

I either need to cut back on the white stuff (rice, wine, pasta, sugar) on cheat days, or maybe just be more careful. Maybe have sushi with beer, and one scoop of gelato or ice cream, rather than the whole pint. Or one California roll and some tempura shrimp and vegetables (which is what I usually get when we go for sushi). Again, just one scoop of gelato.

Whatever I do eat in the future, I definitely don't want to experience those heart palpitations again. I've felt completely okay since then, but my dad suffered from a lot of heart problems, including a severe cardiac arrhythmia which contributed to his death. So perhaps I should discuss this episode with my doctor.

I hope everyone had a beautiful Memorial Day weekend.

(Sorry, even though it probably made me sick, I have to tell you about the gelato I had. It was absolutely divine, which is probably why I ate way more than I should have. Don't follow the link if you don't want to be tempted.)

Two kinds of therapy

Today was the first day of a long weekend. This last week was just brutal at work, I had so much to do. Along with all my normal work, I had several policies I had to completely re-write before June 1. On a positive note, I learned a lot this week about headers and footers in Word 2007. Anyway, I finished the last policy at 4 p.m. Thursday. So I actually got it done with a day to spare. I got through it and am so glad I have until next Tuesday to recover.

The weather was so strange today. Sun one minute, rain the next. This morning, B and I left for the park about 9:30, and the sun was shining. FIve minutes later, it started to sprinkle. And by the time we got to the park, it was raining hard. Still, we did our walk and finally headed home, soaked. About 10 minutes after we got home, the sun came back out. Go figure. It continued to do this off and on all day. I worked inside when it rained, then worked outside when it cleared up.

I discussed my mini-meltdown with Dr D on Wednesday. She thinks the severe reaction is childhood based. One of the things my mom used to do is ridicule me, often in front of other people, when I would make a mistake, even a small one. Even though I'm an adult, I still expect to be ridiculed for mistakes. And if others don't ridicule me, I do it to myself. ("stupid stupid stupid") I guess the bottom line is, I've come a long ways in therapy, but I still have a long ways to go.

I also started physical therapy yesterday. I think I must be the most inflexible (unflexible?) person I know. I do believe the PT will be very beneficial, and the therapist stressed that the stretching I do should not hurt. I've always hated stretching after exercise because I thought I was supposed to stretch to the point of discomfort, or even pain, for it to be effective. I guess not.

I'm really glad I decided to stop weighing myself. Why did I always let the number on the scale have such power over me? This morning, my "test jeans" actually felt a bit looser than last week, so that was good. (I think this is what they call a NSV.) Even if they had stayed the same, or been more snug, it still wouldn't have impacted me the way the number on the scale would have.

Right now we're watching a movie we recorded, Jesse Stone: Innocents Lost. I love Tom Selleck! I need to finish writing this post so I can pay attention and not miss anything.

(I normally write my posts on Firefox, but for some reason I can't get to the dashboard from there. So I wrote this on Safari...and I hate the way it looks.)

Serenity

Life goes on and traumatic events fade. I'm feeling much better emotionally since my last post. Thanks for the suggestions regarding how to handle this last mini-meltdown. I did spend some time this weekend reading my Big Book, which I haven't really looked at much since I stopped attending OA meetings back in the early 90s. Saying the Serenity Prayer really helped.

I was able to work outside Friday and yesterday, and my landscaping is shaping up nicely. A few weeks ago, I tore out some old lavender and heather plants that had gotten really huge, scruffy and ugly. One of my favorite perennials is foxglove, and I found some really nice ones (white, yellow, and purple) at Fred Meyer. I planted 8 of them, and I can't wait until they start to bloom. I'm trying to keep it clean and simple for the basic landscaping. Next weekend, or soon thereafter, I'll plant my red, white and blue flower pots so they will be at their peak around July 4th.

Some good news about my persistent back/hip pain. After seeing 2 doctors, and having x-rays and an MRI…nothing specific was found...which also means nothing bad was found. No bulging disks, no degenerative joint disease. That's great! The second doctor, an orthopedic surgeon, thinks I may have a slight nerve impingement causing sciatica, and suggested a cortisone shot in my left hip. So I had the shot on Thursday, and took about 24 hours to actually kick in. Friday night and last night I slept like a baby. I'm still going to do some physical therapy to help me stretch out my hamstrings, which will help long term with the sciatica.

Well, time to watch the finale of Celebrity Apprentice. I'm definitely rooting for Marlee Matlin. She is just amazing. Although I think John Rich is great too. So I guess I'll be okay with whoever wins.

Have a great week!

More OCD shit

How do you get something out of your mind?

Something that was somewhat embarrassing but really no big deal in the overall scheme of life?

Earlier today, I called someone I "kind of" know by the wrong name.

And now I am obsessed by the experience, repeating it over and over in my mind.

Hating myself.

Telling myself how embarrassing it was.

Calling myself stupid stupid stupid.

This constant rumination is the sort of thing I usually reserve for food faux pas (where I obsess after eating something I shouldn't have), but I know I won't relax this evening, sleep well tonight, or enjoy the weekend, thinking about this. The silly thing is the person took it in stride, and I know it is a much bigger deal to me than it was to her.

Not to be overly dramatic, but this picture is pretty representative of how I feel after an "event" like this. Right now, over 5 hours after it happened, I'm still freaking out. I feel like I want to cry.

And then I get embarrassed about the fact that I'm still obsessing about it. What normal person does that? It's a vicious circle.

Just when I think I'm getting better, after all the therapy and supposed development of coping skills, something like this happens and I feel almost back at square one. I know stress adds to my inability to deal with these types of things. Okay, yes, I've been under a lot of stress at work and dealing with my mom as well as some personal medical issues.

But Holy Crap...Brain...please...give me a break!

I almost didn't write this post, because the whole thing seems so insane and I worry that anyone reading this will also think badly of me.

Sometimes I just want to rip out my brain and wash it in the sink.

Sometimes I just hate my mind.

The Best Talking Dog Ever

In case you haven't seen it yet, here is a really cute video.

I've been watching it whenever I just feel like I need a laugh.

The guy who does these "talking animal" videos is a genius. Enjoy!

Binge and Recovery

Sorry I haven't posted lately. I actually had a post ready when Blogger went down on Thursday. Then I got busy and didn't have a chance to update it and post it until this morning.

Yesterday, the sun was shining so I worked outside on my garden most of the day. It's amazing what a little sunshine does for my mood. Unfortunately, today it is raining again. But the extended forecast does at least have some sun!

I spent Wednesday with my mom, and on the way home I ate a whole bag of Caramel Crunch Chex Mix. 8 servings in the bag, 120 calories each, 21 carbs a serving. It didn't even taste that good, and I felt like crap while I ate it. Afterwards I had a horrible stomach ache, but for some reason I just felt the need to eat mindlessly on the way home. Well, not for "some" reason. Rather, because my mom still drives me crazy. She can be so critical and self-absorbed. Fortunately, I was able to pull myself together and get back on the 4HB program Thursday.

Then I spent most of my session on Thursday with Dr D discussing the event. The nice thing is she brings me back to reality. I spent the 24 hours after eating the Chex mix obsessing and reliving the eating. Thinking about what a horrible person I am for eating that. Dr D brings me back to reality. I'm not a horrible person because I ate compulsively. One binge is not the end of the world, and 98 percent of the time I'm doing great. The other 2 percent, when I react to situations emotionally by binging doesn't mean I'm a worthless person. I need to remember that, and not beat myself up so badly.

I've decided to not weigh myself anymore, since I seem to be stuck at one weight (plus or minus one or two pounds). The normal "up" fluctuations wreak havoc with my mood and self-esteem. The "down" fluctuations are so tenuous and fleeting, that it causes me too much trepidation and anxiety because I anticipate they are not going to stay. So it's just not worth it anymore. Instead, I have a old pair of jeans that fit me perfectly when I weighed about 5 lbs less than I do now. I tried them on yesterday, and they were snug, which was fine because I didn't expect them to fit at all. From now on, I'll try these jeans on every Friday and the way they fit will be my guide as to how I'm doing.

I hope everyone is having a nice Sunday. I just hope it stops raining long enough that I can at least take B to the park.

Out of Sorts

I've been feeling a bit down lately. I think I have spring fever but no real spring to go along with it. The weather has been cold and rainy and depressing.

No news on the weight loss front. No loss but at least no gain. Still doing the 4HB program, but I'm having trouble getting motivated to exercise. I even brought my workout clothes with me this morning, but I found a lot of excuses throughout the day. I think part of my problem is that my back has been bothering me for the last few months…but mostly at night, which is weird. It's gradually gotten worse and worse, to the point that it wakes me up with a feeling like I have a knife stuck in my left hip. I've been taking a couple of Tylenol before I go to bed but it doesn't help. So I haven't been sleeping well, which I think saps my energy, thus no desire to exercise. The truth is my back would probably feel better if I exercised, but I think I'm a bit lazy too. I finally made an appointment with my sports medicine doc next week to see if we can figure out what it is.

Some sad news last week…a friend was found dead in her apartment last week. She and I used to be very close, but she had some mental health issues, and we drifted apart because she just got too flaky for me. The last time I saw her was about 2 years ago. And now I've been feeling guilty that I didn't make more of an effort to stay in touch with her or help her. I told this to a mutual friend, and as we talked it through, I realized that she shut me out, not the other way around. Still, I'm feeling very sad about it. There has been no announcement of the cause of death so far, although there have been some rather disturbing details which I can't share here.

Well, I have a few things to do before I go to bed. I hope everyone is having a good week. Take care.

Here Comes the Sun

Today is gorgeous. I can almost see my garden growing! My snap peas have already started sprouting, and although it is supposed to rain tomorrow, the forecast is for (some) sun over the next week. In the Pacific Northwest, we are ecstatic if the forecast just includes SOME sun.

Yesterday was cheat day, so last night we went to a new Thai restaurant with some friends. The food was really delicious, then last night before bed I had cake and ice cream (leftover cake from Easter, which we had put in the freezer). But then I had a horrible night. I'm finding is that I don't sleep very well after cheat day. I toss and turn, my stomach is queasy, and I have heart palpitations and hot flashes which I seldom do during the week. I'm sure this is related to the sugar, so I think I'm going to cut back, or at least don't have such a large amount so close to bedtime. I don't think my body knows what to do with that huge blast of sugar, especially since it gets NO sugar the rest of the week.

I recently watched a movie on Hulu called Fat Head, which is a rebuttal to the movie Super Size Me. As a person on a low-carb diet, I found Fat Head very enlightening. It is disturbing to look at how our government gets involved in so much of our daily lives, and often pushes products based on politics and agendas rather than science.

Well, I've just finished brunch (eggs, pinto beans, and some round steak), so now it's time to get outside and enjoy the sun while it lasts.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend!

Let's Eat...

Warning! This post includes descriptions of delicious food...if this triggers you, read no further!

Saturday was beautiful, and I spent the day planting my tomatoes, peppers, sugar snap peas, leeks, green onions, and some herbs. The weather was almost hot, so I wore shorts and a tank top to work outside. Well, the minute those tomatoes were in the ground, it started to rain, and has rained hard almost non-stop since. And it is cold! I am so mad…my tomatoes WILL NOT grow if it rains and is cold and there is no sun. We had that kind of weather last summer...in fact, our summer sucked. So I'm hoping for better weather this year, and the sooner the better.

We went to church Sunday morning (I ushered), and then we went to my mom's house for Easter dinner. All my relatives noticed that Hub and I have both lost weight since they last saw us at Christmas. Hub and I used Easter day as our 4HB cheat day (instead of our normal Saturday). So…I ate and ate...and ate some more...and didn't feel guilty. This was really a first for me, to eat with abandon in front of people, especially in front of my mom.

I ate ham, scalloped potatoes, jello salad, rolls with butter, deviled eggs, and a piece each of 2 different kinds of cake (pineapple-upside-down and carrot), both with real whipped cream. Plus 3 glasses of champagne. I ate until I almost felt sick. Hub and I kept laughing and telling everyone that our diet requires us to eat like that. My relatives were shocked, especially my mom. She kept asking…how can you eat like that and lose weight? I said, I don't know. But I guess if you only eat like this once a week, the program works.

Normally I only weigh once a week on Friday. But out of curiosity, I weighed on Monday, just to view "the damage." I had gained 3 lbs, but no worries. I'm right back on the program, and the 3 lbs will be gone by Friday morning.

This morning, I went to a meeting and there were donuts. I passed them up without a second thought (except briefly it crossed my mind that I might have a donut on Saturday). But one of the guys said…How come you're not having a donut? I told him I was on a low-carb diet. He just looked at me, shook his head, and said…Why the hell are you on a diet?

I was flattered of course, but it is a good question to ponder in the larger sense. I've spent my whole life on a diet...the question is WHY?

I ought to be ashamed...

I forgot my wedding anniversary today. My 18th. YIKES.

A co-worker and I were driving to a meeting in a nearby town this morning, and as we chatted, he was telling me that he and his wife got married "twice" (they eloped, then got married again in a ceremony with family and friends). I asked him what date he considers his actual anniversary, when all of a sudden, a thought went through my head. I asked him what today's date was...April 21. CRAP! Sure enough, today is the date. My 18th wedding anniversary. At that moment, I felt awful.

I called Hub right away, knowing he wouldn't have remembered either. And he hadn't. But I don't expect him to. It's not his job. It's MY job to remind him in advance. I was a bit surprised when he said, "What kind of people are we???" Rhetorically, not accusatorily. More like..."Who totally forgets their wedding anniversary? How is that possible?" I said, "It's okay, we've had a lot going on," but he was pissed. Not too much, mostly at himself, and not at me.

Later, he just called me and offered to cook dinner tonight. But he is still not 100% recovered and it doesn't seem fair that he has to work to make an "anniversary" dinner for me. I know he's very lucky that I married him (*smile*) but we should both enjoy ourselves, together.

Instead I suggested we go out to a local Greek restaurant we both like and have their omelets. They are made with gyro meat, feta cheese, tomatoes, and olives. We can both have a salad and a glass (or two) of wine (and hold hands...the best part.). He really brightened up at that suggestion. That way, we will still have stayed on our 4HB diet. So that's what we are going to do. And we'll be able to save up our cheat day for Easter Sunday. (Normally our cheat day is Saturday, but Sunday we'll go to my mom's with my bro & SIL & niece. Lots of food, rolls, dessert, & such...aka Carb Central. So we're holding off an extra day.)

Anyway, I feel guilty for forgetting the date, mostly because I forgot to remind him. I know that sounds weird, but he counts on me for certain things, and this is one of them. I never want him to feel bad or guilty for forgetting. And because guilt is such an ingrained part of me (thanks, Mom), I hate "guilt" as an emotion, no matter who is feeling it. So Hub & I agreed years ago that I would just remind him because I'm usually very good at dates and such.

What is the moral of the story? Put a reminder in your Outlook calendar for a few days in advance of your anniversary. (Yes, I've already done it for the next 5 years...)

Have a wonderful Easter weekend! Don't eat too many chocolate bunnies!

This and That...

Not much going on. Just thought I'd write a quick post to keep in touch.

I'm just wishing the weather would improve so I could plant my tomatoes. I can't believe how cold it is, in spite of being mid-April. It snowed on Sunday night! This morning it was 35 degrees on my way to work. I heard on the news that it might even get into the 20s (not sure where they were talking about, maybe it wasn't in the Seattle area). At least today the sun was out for a while.

My leg still looks awful, and is covered with big dark bruise spots at the injection sites. But I'm still being patient. The tech said to give it 4 weeks minimum, so I will wait before I start to evaluate whether I'm happy or not.

I find that the longer I stay on the 4HB diet, the less I want to eat. I really don't have much of an appetite for what's allowed, so I'm eating "enough" but not a lot. I wonder if that is part of the idea, you get bored and so you don't eat? Whatever, I don't really miss food during the week, although I do enjoy my cheat day. I did weigh myself today, and I'm down 1 more pound.

Well, sorry for the boring post. Maybe I'll get inspired if the weather improves.

I'll leave you with this photo...Hub & went shopping on Sunday at an Asian market that just moved to a new location. Thought you might like to see this big fish (Opah) that they had in the fish case. It's hard to tell how big he was from the photo, but I think he weighed about 100 lbs!

Wait and See

To be honest, I’m not sure about the sclerotherapy. But for those of you who are interested, here’s what happened:

The technician was really nice, and explained what she was going to do. She said I could watch if I wanted, but I don’t really like needles. So I declined.

I had taken a couple of Tylenol about an hour beforehand, and I listened to my iPod during. The procedure really didn’t hurt very much. Once in a while, I had a feeling like I was being stung by a bee, but overall it was pretty painless.

After the procedure was over (it took about 45 minutes), I was supposed to wear some compression panty hose for at least 24 hours. The clinic doesn’t supply them, but gave instructions on what to get beforehand. So before my appointment, I went to Nordstrom and bought what I thought was the correct size based on my height and weight. In fact, according to the chart, I was on the low side of XL. I could have weighed 10 lbs more and been 2 inches taller and still been an XL. So I figured I had plenty of room for error.

Well, I could barely get them up past my knees, and I struggled so hard to pull them up that I put a big rip in the butt. I finally got the crotch up to within about 3 inches of where it should have been, but as I walked around, it kept slipping down. And my muffin top was pushed out over the top. I felt like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. lol

This was definitely the worst part of the whole experience. When I got home, I thought, No way can I wear these to work tomorrow! So I took those suckers off and cut off the panty part and just wore them as stockings yesterday and today. This seemed to work okay, but the whole compression pantyhose experience sucked. I hate even regular old pantyhose, and these were "bad pantyhose" multiplied exponentially.

Now, 2 days later, I have an ankle that looks like crap. The technician said the veins would look worse before they look better, and the part about looking worse is definitely true. But I’m supposed to give it at 4-6 weeks before I make a final judgment on the results. So I’m optimistic that it will improve as everything heals.

Tomorrow is my day off, which I'm looking forward to. Yeah, baby!

Vain about veins

Just to start off…sorry I haven't posted much lately. Everything is fine, but I have been very busy. Yeah, I know...I'm sure I am the only blogger in the world with this problem. :-)

Hub is now on Coumadin for his blood clot, and that seems to be resolving. Although he has to go in every other day for blood tests to check his INR levels, he is feeling better, and his knee is getting stronger. So my own mental state is much improved from last time I posted. (I know I shouldn't let his moods affect mine so much, but they do.) I'm back at work on a normal schedule, which also helps my sanity.

As for my diet…Well, I haven’t lost any weight in the past month, but I’ve not gained any either. I think I’m so close to my goal that it will take extraordinary measures to get there, and to be honest, right now I’m just not that motivated. (Maybe I’ll get more into it as the summer approaches…who knows?) Anyway, I’ve decided that the number I’ve chosen as my "ideal weight" is really just an arbitrary number. So I’m still following the 4HB program pretty closely, which is comfortable and not hard to do at all. I will admit I’ve slipped up a bit on my personal restriction of no fake sweeteners (it's not a 4HB restriction, just something I was doing on my own). I’ve been eating some sugar free jello (only one a day) and using Splenda in my coffee (also only one a day). I guess if that’s what it takes, there are worse things.

I’m having a procedure done this afternoon, which is totally for vanity purposes. As I've mentioned previously, I sprained my right ankle very badly a number of years ago, and it swelled up literally to the size of a tree trunk. It was so huge, it looked deformed and I wondered at the time if it would ever look normal again. I still have issues with it from time to time when I over exercise or tweak it a bit from walking on uneven ground. But for the most part, the swelling has gone down and it’s a “normal” ankle.

But there are some residual effects from the extreme swelling that took place. I have broken blood vessels, called spider veins, all over the outside of my leg that have never gone away. I actually have a very dark band of vessels around where the top of my sock hits, and a patch on the ankle bone area too. They are just plain ugly and I’m very self-conscious about them, especially when I wear shorts or a bathing suit. (Sorry for the poor quality of the photo, I just took it with my Blackberry camera.)

So…This afternoon, I’m having sclerotherapy to have them removed! I saw this on Dr Oz a while ago and decided to inquire about it. There is a fairly new solution (FDA approved about a year ago) which is used to treat them, called Asclera, which I guess does a really great job. I’ve done some research, and the vast majority of the reviews have been quite positive. I'm also having it done at a plastic surgery clinic, and they've also gotten wonderful reviews. So I'm not having it done by amateurs.

I’m a little nervous (mostly because I hate needles!) but I think I will be glad I did it. I figured I should have it done before (if) the summer weather shows up here, as it takes a few weeks for the effects to be complete.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

The Sickness Inside ME

I'm starting to realize that anxiety feeds Eddie. The more anxious I am, the more Eddie starts yapping. Then the more I allow Eddie to be in control, the more anxious I get.

Although I never realized it before I started therapy, I am a very anxious person. I really thought I was pretty easy going. I guess that's because I am not normally anxious about work, or some of the other day to day things that "normal" people might get anxious about. At work, I do whatever needs to get done…then I leave it at the end of the day. I go home and seldom think about it again.

But I'm starting to realize...Personal stuff is totally different.

When I saw Dr D today, we started talking about how things were going. I realized that since Hub has been diagnosed with the blood clot…I have not eaten much. In fact, I'm probably not eating enough to help me keep my wits about me, so to speak. My appetite goes away, so I just stop eating. That's where it gets into a vicious cycle. The less I eat, the less I want to eat. As gross as this may sound, from the years of being bulimic, my gag reflex kicks in, and the thought of food is sickening. Since I no longer "allow" myself throw up, the alternative is...I don't eat anything.

I also have an tendency towards obsessive/compulsive behavior. And the more stressed out I get, the more OC I get. I feel the need to spend a lot more time arranging my closet "just so." I can't leave the house for work until I change clothes at least 3 times, including my earrings, scarves, belts...this goes on ad nauseum. Rather than being able to get ready to go to work in 1/2 hour, it takes me an hour or more. The more stressed I am, the more "perfect" everything has to be before I can walk out the door. For example…Would anyone notice that I'm wearing green earrings, rather than turquoise earrings? No, but I get into a dither about which earrings more exactly match what I'm wearing. (I'd probably be better off just wearing my uniform...easier and much quicker!)

But, for some reason, these activities (the food restriction and the OCD) help me cope, and give me a feeling of comfort and control. Then, I start rationalizing that because I am stressed out, I DESERVE to do these comforting activities, even though I know they are not healthy or helpful.

I'm so lucky to have a good therapist who brings me back to reality and who suggests healthy alternatives to these counterproductive coping mechanisms, that I am starting to realize I've used my whole life.

I'm also lucky to have such wonderful friends in the blogging world who have given me encouragement and kind comments on my last post. Your comments made such a difference in how I was feeling and it helped so much to know you care. Thank you all.

Hub is doing okay, the blood thinners do cause him to feel (and act) a bit strange, tired, and cold, so he is not exactly "himself." But we all know the alternative would not be good, so we can deal with it.

Today, I really do BELIEVE that…"This too shall pass."

Here's another good one! "Knowledge is power."

So, while I'm waiting for all those good things to kick in...I think I'll just kick Eddie to the curb.