Although I vowed a while ago that this blog would no longer be focused on my weight, I need to write this post so that I can deal with what is going on in my mind.Today I feel fat. Really fat. I have not weighed myself since we got back from vacation, and I didn't weigh before we left, so I do not have any numerical data to back up this feeling. But based on the way my work clothes fit, I'm guessing I weigh 173, which is 10 lbs more than my lowest weight.
The reason I am so upset is while we were on vacation, one of our friends took photos of all of us lying by the pool (I had fallen asleep so I didn't know he was doing this) and posted them on his Picassa website. As I casually perused the on-line album, entitled "Hawaii Vacation," I unexpectedly came across a photo of me and was just shocked. As in sick-to-my-stomach, heart-palpitations-from-anxiety shocked. The term "beached whale" immediately came to my mind. I quickly emailed him and asked him to please remove the photo from the album, which he did, but I am still horrified that others might have seen it before it was removed. (I know he wasn't doing it to be funny or mean, because there were literally dozens of bad photos. He is one of those guys who just posts everything that is on his camera. He doesn't even delete really crappy photos, like accidental shots of the floor; so he certainly would not have given any thought to taking out unflattering photos of his friends before publishing the album.)
Now that picture keeps popping up in my mind. I almost feel like I am suffering from PTSD. Although the reality is that no one probably even gave more than a glance at this photo, I just can't stop imagining people laughing at what I look liked in that photo.
I always think I am over this self-destructive thought process, and I know I should love myself no matter what I weigh. But the old eating disorder voice is telling me I am too fat to be seen in public. How could I have possibly thought, for 3 weeks, that I looked "okay" enough in a bathing suit to let people see me without a cover up??? In fact, I even canceled a massage appointment because I didn't want my massage therapist to see what I look like. Now I am dreading Christmas, because I imagine my mom will make some comment about my gaining weight.
Funny how one little thing (like a candid photo) can wipe away years of emotional progress. So far this week, I have been a wreck. I have been restricting my food and exercising every day. I know this is not a good way to deal with my emotions, but I am panic stricken. I have tried deal with this by telling myself "I AM NOT FAT…I AM NOT FAT" but it does not seem to be getting through to my psyche. I will have to talk to Dr D about this. Thank goodness I have an appointment on Wednesday.
Oh Grace, I do feel for you ... Is it any use to shout all the way from here "GRACE! YOU ARE NOT FAT!!!" How precarious the balance is. You know you're not fat rationally, but rationality has nothing to do with it. I am glad you have your appointment on Wednesday. In the meantime, keep telling yourself to "rise above it" as my mum used to say.
ReplyDeleteAnd on the subject of mothers, is there some way you can find some excuse not to visit yours for Christmas, given how insensitive and destructive she has been in the past?
I'm very glad you're seeing Dr D on Wednesday. I'm sure 10 pounds to you sounds hideous, but you're very tall. Ten pounds on you is nothing.
ReplyDeleteAbout your mom, I'm with Judith. I wish you could just not see her now, but I doubt that's possible.
Anyway, you're a beautiful woman, plus or minus ten pounds. Don't forget it.
I know it feels like it wiped out all your hard work.
ReplyDeleteBut it's just a call for adjustment...
either physical or mental/emotional!
Funny (not funny per se) how even a few pounds can creep back!
I hope you find some peace about it -
Gotta love that balancing point!
After the whirlwind of activity of vacation
and the emotions of the holidays ..I'd say you are doing quite well!
I keep remembering the photos you posted during your vacation and how happy, beautiful and certainy NOT FAT you are. I think a ten pound gain during such a wonderful getaway is nothing to regret. I understand how you feel regarding candid photos that other people take because I'm the same way. Other people don't view those photos with the same critical eye as we view ourselves with.
ReplyDelete