If this is my new normal, I'm okay with it (for now)

When COVID19 and my retirement (April 1) collided head on, I spent the first few weeks trying to manage anxiety.  I was having trouble sleeping and would wake up in a panic thinking about everything.  I couldn't get my mind to stop going, and sometimes my heart would start to beat like it was going to jump out of my chest...

I finally called my doctor.  We discussed that I had gone through A LOT of personal life changes in the past months.  Throw in a pandemic and it was not unusual that I would be anxious or depressed.  She prescribed some mild anti-anxiety medication called Buspar.  I don’t have to take it all the time, only when I’m feeling anxious.  I mean, I COULD take it all the time, but I don’t need to.  To be honest, I’ve hardly taken it at all, maybe once or twice a week.  But just the fact that I have it available helps to lessen the anxiety, and there don’t appear to be any side effects for me.  I honestly don’t feel anything when I take it, other than the anxiety goes away.  No drowsiness, etc.

While the medication helps, I also need to do some other things to maintain my emotional equilibrium. 

Exercise is key, so I now work out virtually with my trainer Steve at 8 am on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  I’m fortunate that I have an area to work out in (my office) and a lot of equipment.  Working out sets the tone for the day to be productive and to be honest, I think I will continue on virtually after quarantine ends.  It’s super easy, I don’t have to go anywhere, and plus the virtual sessions are less expensive than in studio.   And obviously safer from a virus standpoint.   Although I feel like I’m super healthy, I AM 67, so in the vulnerable group as is my husband who is 73.  So for now, it’s better to limit my exposure. 

My workout equipment

Keeping busy (but not TOO busy) is helpful.  So I clean, organize, garden, etc.  But I do try to keep from doing it compulsively.  I made a TO DO list, and the list is loooong, so I’ll never run out of things to do NOR will I ever finish no matter how much I do.  I have to keep that in mind…I don’t have to do it ALL NOW.  (Because I’m retired!)  The first few weeks, my husband would comment on how I was making him nervous, or that I was like a shark that couldn’t stop moving.  I can't tell you how many times he told me to relax.  Meaning "Stop, you're going to wear yourself out".  So now I “allow” myself to  do whatever I want during the day but at 4 pm, I stop!

My tomatoes

Or at least I stop physically constantly moving at 4.  I can still do more passive things such as work on the computer.  In fact, I started a little eBay business! 

I used to collect antique jewelry and silver spoons, so a lot of these things have been languishing in boxes downstairs or in my jewelry box.  I also used to buy clothes and shoes for work, and then never wear them.  Most still have tags on them!  So I've spent the last few weeks posting things on eBay.  I have to research, photograph, post, then ship, all of which has kept my mind busy and it’s fun!  It helps to be very organized, which I am, and I love doing all these things in my office. So far I've posted about 25 things, sold about 8, and believe me, I've got a boatload of things still to sell.  And as my husband says, Selling and Earning beats Buying and Spending.   

My office

Finally, I take Jennie for a long walk every day.  And speaking of dogs…Jennie’s personality has blossomed since she lost her sister.  I really think she likes being an only dog.  When there were two, there was a lot of negative, competitive energy.  My mother was pretty neurotic, so they grew up in an unstable environment.  After we got them, they improved a lot, but there was still a lot of high pitched crazy barking, food aggression, and pee “accidents."  Now that Bonnie is gone, Jennie hardly barks at all, hasn’t had one accident, and is so mellow.  Dogs are wonderful, but weird.  Who knows what goes on in their brains, and how they process relationships with their "parents" and their "siblings." 

Jennie in her car seat, ready to go!

I don’t have the deep emotional connection with Jennie that I did with Buster, but then, Buster was my once-in-a-lifetime heart dog.  Still, I am enjoying Jennie's company and since she is so tiny, she's easy to transport.  She's a great traveler, so we go everywhere together.  And let's face it, she's really adorable.  I think I can actually say now that I love this little dog.  

Hmmm, anything else?  Well, my husband and I are getting along very well, and I've been trying to be more open with him about my feelings of anxiety.  He actually listens to me and been very supportive.  Mostly he just comforts me and tells me that everything is going to be okay.  And that's really all I need. 

I think that’s about it.  I'm okay with things for now, although I'd like to be able to travel again someday in the not too distant future.  After all, I didn't work until I'm 67 to stay home for the rest of my life. 

But whatever is happening in your State or area, I hope everyone is handling quarantine or re-opening well.  It's going to be okay!  

My mom...and her dogs

My mom passed away on February 1.  After breaking her leg in July, she never recovered.  In spite of how wonderfully cared for she was at the Adult Family Home, in late December, she started refusing medication, food and drink.  Hospice was brought on board (a wonderful service by the way).  So over a 6 week period, she withered away, finally passing away peacefully.  She had turned 90 on December 21. 

My mom had borderline personality disorder and she physically and mentally abused my brother and me from the time we were tiny children.  My most vivid childhood memories involve being terrified of her.  She also had a serious eating disorder that lasted her whole life.  I know her disorder contributed to my own.  Her favorite saying was, "You can never be too rich or too thin," and she honestly believed that.  Even in her later years, she constantly talked about how she didn't want to get fat and she prided herself on only eating a piece of toast at breakfast and a small dinner.

When she died, her death certificate listed the cause of death as "inanition."  I had to look it up.  It means the most extreme form of malnutrition.  I guess she finally achieved being thin enough.

Fortunately, I had the means in the last 30 years to go through tons of therapy and I was able to come to grips (for the most part) with my childhood, my PTSD and my anorexia, bulimia, and body dysmorphic disorder.  I came to understand that my mom was not a bad person.  Rather she grew up in a very dysfunctional household herself (abandoned by an abusive, alcoholic father after which she was farmed out to another relative because her mother could not care for all the children).  When she had her own children, she did the best she could.  I have to believe that, for my own sanity.  For the most part, I've been able to let go of the anger I felt toward her for the majority of my adult life.  I forgave her for what she did to me.       

Deep down I loved my mom and I know she loved me.  I thank heavens that she passed away before Covid19 invaded our everyday lives and they started to limit visitors, even family, into the elder care facilities. I can’t imagine not being able to be with her in the days before she passed. 

Now...about my mom's dogs Bonnie and Jennie

When we moved my mom into the Assisted Living Facility 4 years ago for her safety, my husband and I took over her 2 dogs Bonnie and Jennie.  It was the only way we could get her to move, by promising to care for them. But for 4 years, I still referred to them as my mother's dogs.  For 4 years, my mother would lash out in anger at me that I had ruined her life.  She would accuse me of stealing her dogs from her.  Whenever I took them to visit her, she would tell everyone that they were HER dogs.  So it was hard to bond with Bonnie and Jennie under those circumstances.  For 4 years, although I cared for them, I always emotionally kept them at arms length.  When people would call me their mom, I'd say "I'm not those dogs' mom.  I'm just their caretaker."  Yes, they bonded with me, as dogs will do with the person who cares for them day to day.  But I wasn't going to give them my heart, because they weren't my dogs.

Then Bonnie died unexpectedly on Wednesday.

We had just spent the weekend at the ocean, and that dog ran like the wind on the beach!  She and Jennie had such a great time.  

But she started to get sick on Tuesday evening, and I took her to her regular vet on Wednesday morning. There were indications that her gallbladder was inflamed, so they had me take her to a specialty vet for possible surgery. Unfortunately, tests showed that the gallbladder issue had also caused major damage to her other organs. It was doubtful that she would recover from surgery, so the most humane thing to do was to let her go.

Because of Covid19, they were limiting people coming into the vets office.  They would come out to the car to pick up the animals, and then they were doing everything else by phone.  So that's how we got the bad diagnosis.  After I discussed the situation with my husband, I called back to inform the doctor of our decision.  Then I asked if we could come inside to say goodbye to her in spite of the restrictions.  The doctor said, of course they make an exception in these cases.  So my husband and I went inside into an exam room and they brought her to us. She was obviously drugged up with pain medication, but she perked up a bit when she saw us.  I think she knew us.  Sobbing, I held her for a few minutes, we both petted her and told her what a good girl she was.  Then I kissed her head and told her I loved her, after that they took her away. 

My husband said that he thought my mother called Bonnie to be with her. I'm not sure I agree, but it's a nice thought.  Meanwhile, I still didn't think I was that attached to Bonnie because technically she really wasn't my dog.

Good grief.  How can you have a complicated relationship with a dog???  But when I said goodbye and told her I loved her, I realized afterwards that I really meant it. Otherwise, why say that to a dog?  

And I'm surprised now at hard it was to say goodbye, and how upset I am now and how much I miss her now.  Yeah, complicated.

Anyway, now we just have Jennie, and I intend to love her as hard as I can.  Because she's MY DOG now.   It took losing Bonnie to realize that it's okay to love Jennie.