Happy New Year's Eve Day

I woke up this morning to a gorgeous sunrise and fog on the lake. I kept telling myself to get up and take a picture, but my bed felt so cozy. Buster finally convinced me to get up, but by then it was too late for a picture. There is still snow on the ground from a few days ago, and it's really cold outside…21 degrees right now at 9 a.m. Which I know is nothing for some of you but is really cold for us (weather-wimps) in the Seattle area.

Today will be a quiet day, I'll work out and take B to the park (I sure hope it warms up a little). Tonight we're going to a New Year's Eve party at the VFW (hub is a member and I'm in the auxiliary). We're taking 2 other couples, so it should be fun. Of course, I spent yesterday trying to figure out what to wear. That is really what precipitated yesterday's post. The body dysmorphic (BD) part of my brain is telling me that I'm too fat to even go out the door, but I've been somewhat successful in telling it to shut up. I know that whatever I wear, once I get there, I'll have a good time, and no one will be judging me. (I guess all that expensive therapy has been good for something...but to be honest, BD had to bring up the fact that all I've spent on therapy might have been better spent for liposuction... ha ha.)

So, I'm just finishing my coffee. Time to get up and do something. I'll see you all tomorrow. Have a safe and happy New Year's Eve!

December 32

This is another extra-long weekend, which I was really looking forward to. Well, I still am, except I'm a bit disappointed with myself that I seem to have pissed away the first day already. I had so many things on my list to accomplish. But I just felt lazy. I did take B to the park, straightened up my closet a bit, and did some laundry, but that's about it. Not much to show for a whole day.

I have gained a little weight...honestly, it's really not much...about 5 lbs...since this summer. That's when I was feeling really good and at my lowest weight. I was eating right and working out a lot. If I was too busy for a long workout, I'd at least make time to go to Curves. Overall, food hasn't been too bad, but the difference is I haven't been doing much cardio since early October. Again, I'm not motivated. This has manifested itself in an ever expanding muffin top. I'm definitely more flabby, especially around the middle, than I was just a few months ago. It's funny how quickly that stuff creeps up on you.

Still, I'm not upset, which is progress. I'm not angry at myself. As I said, I'm just disappointed. I'd honestly rather sit on my butt and play on my laptop or watch TV than get up and do something productive or physical. It's easier. In a way, I've been giving myself permission. I tell myself I work hard, I have a right to be a bit lazy when I have the time off. But I don't like the consequences. I keep telling myself…Next year, January 1. I'll start to get back on track.

But why do I do this every year? You would think I'd learn. I always justify it that I'm still 10 lbs lighter than where I was 2 years ago at this time. But I'm also not where I'd like to be...I'd like to weigh about 10 lbs less than I do now. So...why can't I just "get there" and "stay there"?

SO…here we are. December 31. There is no December 32, so that means January 1, 2011 is...almost HERE. I'm not waiting until Monday, January 3, to do something. For that matter, who says I can't do "something" tomorrow? So I think I will.

I don't know what that "something" is yet, but I'll let you know.

Christmas was Wonderful!

This year, Christmas was overall a good experience. That’s not always the case, so I am very grateful.

On Christmas Eve, I ushered at the 3 p.m. Mass, which was preceded by a children’s pageant. We went with our friends, and I knew from experience that we needed to get there at least an hour early so they could get a seat. Well, let me say that to call the scene when we got there a “madhouse” would be an understatement. Hub and our friends literally got the last 3 open seats. (This was good, because Hub has a bad knee and no way could he have stood for 2 hours.) I was the first usher to arrive, and was immediately approached by Father Tom, who had a deer in the headlights look. He gave me a hug and said, “Thank you so much for serving!! This is always the busiest Mass.” I immediately went about getting out the baskets for the collection, and then the head usher showed up. It turned out that he and I were the only ones who had actually signed up.

A contingent of ushers for a "normal" service is 4, but for a service with this many people in attendance, we needed at least 8. We were fortunate that several folks came up and asked if they could help, so after a bit of quick instruction to them, we had enough help to manage the collection and communion. By 2:30, the church was absolutely packed, with standing room only. My main concern was trying to find open seats for older people. By asking people to squeeze together, I was able to find a few single seats.

About this time, I was stopped by a lady sitting in a chair along the wall near the very back of the church. 
“Those people are blocking my view of the altar. Would you make them move?” she asked with a very sour look on her face. Incredulous, I looked around at the mob of people and asked, “Where would you have me put them, ma’am?” “Well, I got here an hour early to get a seat, and now all these people are standing in front of me.” “Sorry, I can’t do anything for you,” I said. Then I started to walk away, but I then went back and said, “Just be grateful you have a seat.”

The rest of the service went fairly well, and several people came up afterwards and thanked me for ushering. I guess they understood what a challenge it had been, and I will admit to feeling a sense of accomplishment that we got through it without too many hiccups.

After church, the 4 of us went to Chinooks in Seattle for dinner. I was pretty wound up, but after 2 glasses of wine, and a delicious meal, I felt much better. But I still couldn’t believe that lady was so rude and unpleasant. I’m not sure in the context of “goodwill toward men” that I should have gotten pissed at her, but it just struck me as so ridiculous that she was mad about people without seats standing in front of her.

Christmas Day was actually very nice. My mom was very well behaved, and the day passed with no arguments or tantrums by my mom. Whenever we have these family get togethers, I’m always expecting something bad to happen. So I have been working with Dr D on “staying in the moment” and not worrying about what “might” happen. I sometimes wonder if Mom is more well behaved now because I’ve changed the way I react to her antics? Or was I just lucky that she behaved herself?

So, today will just be a relaxing day. It's rainy and very windy outside, but so cozy here inside with B on the couch with me. As I type this post, I am looking at my beautiful Christmas tree, which is decorated with all the special ornaments I've collected over the years. I am feeling such a sense of peace.

I hope you all enjoyed your Christmas as much as I did and that you are looking forward to the New Year!

I have to get this off my chest...

I was going to wait until next year to post this, as I didn't want to taint the holiday season. But this has come to a head for me emotionally, and I felt compelled to write and post this today:

There is a blogger I ran across by accident a few months ago. It was a case of mistaken identity on his part…without even paying attention to the facts, he assumed I was another "Grace" that he was having a feud with. He left a somewhat snide comment directed at me on another blogger's post. As a result, I checked out his blog, and then I emailed him and told him I was not the "Grace" he was angry with and that I really didn't want to be involved in the drama that was his blog. To his credit, he acknowledged my correction, but...

...then my curiosity was piqued. I checked out his blog and immediately saw some strange things...

This guy is constantly calling out other weight loss bloggers on their "stupid ass" approach to weight loss. He makes fun of them in a very mean way. He spends a lot of energy responding at length, unsolicited, to ideas they may have simply ruminated about on their own blogs. By my count, since October, he has alienated at least 6 other bloggers. He talks about all the "hate mail" and "hateful comments" and just general "hate" that he gets from all the "haters" out there because of his opinions and posts and weight loss approach. It apparently doesn't occur to him that "hate" goes both ways. Hate begets Hate. It's interesting that he also recently refused an invitation to a family party because everyone else in his family is stupid or makes him mad. So his family apparently are all haters too.

But…all his faithful follower friends praise him, telling him he is so "honest" and "funny"…they love when he cuts others "down to size." I personally do not see much that is humorous about his posts. From what I can see, he makes frequent use of crude language ("shit" is a very popular term he uses to describe what other people say on their blogs). Occasionally someone will try to point out that the person he says "hates" him doesn't really. But that doesn't seem to slow him down...he's on a tear and everyone else is stupid or crazy.

I know why I started reading…it was by accident, then out of curiosity (I have been following him anonymously, mostly because I didn't want to possibly be exposed to his wrath by being a follower of someone he ended up disagreeing with). But now I don't know why I still read his blog. I think I'm reading it for the drama.

The sad thing is, he does have some good weight loss ideas, he's been personally very successful in his endeavor, and he is very serious about it. But sometimes people just need to do their own thing and have different ideas on what we all know is a very complicated weight loss process. Different things work for different people. But instead of responding with positive advice or even tactfully negative advice, he uses his cutting humor to slash and hurt. He starts making fun of people in what I think is a very abusive, bullying manner. (Yes, because of my personal history, I'm probably extra sensitive to anything that might be described as "abusive.") But all the so-called "hate" he gets back is everyone else's fault. He is the king of excellent ideas and no one better cross him.

As I said, I was going to wait until after the New Year to post this. But the negativity seems to be spreading NOW, so I didn't feel like I could wait. Just today, one of this fellow's followers called another blogger "a crazy bitch" because the blogger that this fellow "called out" responded to a comment that one of his followers made. Why are people so overly sensitive and quick to anger? (It almost feels like "road rage on the information super highway.") It's too complicated for me to follow exactly what happened, who is mad at who, and why...(and the bottom line is the details don't really matter)...but these angry people scare me.

I know I don't have many followers, so this won't reach many folks. I'm just a very tiny fish in a huge blogging sea. But I have found I need to keep my blog and comments positive, and yes, NICE. Whatever your opinions on how to lose weight (this gentleman seems to have a particular disdain for so-called "lap-banders"), we are all human beings who don't deserve to be ridiculed and put down for differing opinions. Live your life, tell us about what you are doing, lose weight (or NOT)...whatever you need to do to keep your sanity…it's your business.

We all deserve respect. Even those we disagree with.

PEACE on EARTH...Please.

Thanks for reading.

"KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON"

Words to live by

My mom’s birthday was Tuesday, so Monday morning, I drove down to her house in Tacoma to put up her tree and help her with some other chores. Then we drove that evening to Seattle to see the closing night of the Seattle Men’s Chorus* production called Holiday GLEE (which was so amazing.) I spent the night at her house, and then took her shopping Tuesday morning.

Spending a lot of time with my mom is always stressful. She has a low tolerance for frustration, and she is getting a bit dotty to boot. So she’ll ask me to help her with something, but if I don’t do it just exactly the way she would do it, look out! She stands right there, watching me and trying to tell me how to do it, which is very nerve wracking. Usually it's nothing too complicated, but she has to be the one in charge. Then, one minute she tells me that she loves and appreciates me so much, then the next minute she’s nasty to me or says demeaning things. She also has a habit of sighing heavily, as if to say “What did I ever do to deserve this burden?”

It’s hard to explain, but Mom really pushes my buttons. I want her to feel loved, but at the same time, I fear for my own sanity when I’m around her too much. So I have to find that perfect balance of daughterly devotion and emotional self-preservation. Originally I had told her I would spend all Tuesday with her. So I lied...yes, I LIED to my MOTHER...and told her something had come up and I needed to go to work yesterday afternoon. It was either that or have a meltdown. At least she does understand that my and my husband’s "positive employment status" (i.e. we both are lucky to have good jobs) keeps her in the style to which she has become accustomed (we help her a lot with her bills and home maintenance), so she begrudgingly accepted my leaving earlier than originally planned.

Now I just need to get through Christmas Day. It’s always a walking-on-eggshells kind of day, especially since my hub does not like my mom (partly because he knows a lot about my childhood and partly because my mom is just downright rude sometimes) and he has never been one to shy away from conflict. I'm always on "high alert" during these holidays (which Dr D says is really not good for me or my mental health). I have asked my whole family repeatedly that we not discuss politics at family gatherings…suffice it to say that there are many differing opinions on many subjects. My hub and my brother and his family all abide by the request, but my mom for some reason feels the need to make snide comments which I know (and I know she knows) will start a fight. I think my mom would like me to take her side against my hub, which is just plain STUPID...because Hub and I have the same political views.

But...there is a silver lining!
Surprisingly, I’m not eating over any of the stress. In fact, I haven’t even been thinking about food in spite of all the treats everywhere I go and the parties we've been to. I have decided not to worry about my weight until the New Year. I can tell from my clothes fitting more comfortably that I have lost at least some of the vacation weight since I got home. I don’t know how much but I’m not going to even look at the scale. If it’s not “enough” (meaning...if I haven’t lost ALL of it) it would make me crazy and I don’t need to be any more crazy than I already am right now...lol. At least if I am comfortable and not gaining weight, I don’t really need to know the exact number.

I am looking forward to tomorrow (no work), Christmas Eve, and the day after Christmas. Hub has his office party tomorrow at lunch; we're going to a Korean barbecue place. On Christmas Eve, I’m ushering at the 3 p.m. Mass, and then we are going out to dinner with some friends. Sunday, I've got NOTHING planned, except to recover from Christmas. Then next week is another short week, and the New Year’s holiday is always stress-free and fun....No family gatherings!...Yay!

Anyway, that's it for now. I should be able to find some time to post again before Christmas, but just in case I don't...I wish you all a wonderful holiday!

*The production is obviously geared towards GLBT. It was just fabulous, the talent was unbelievable, and both my mom and I loved it. After the show in the lobby, I was chatting with one of the singers and asked what probably sounds like an un-PC question...is there a "requirement" to be gay to be in the chorus? He said no, but 98 percent of the chorus IS gay.

My Welcome Home

Our flight home was uneventful, except for the fussy little boy who sat next to us and kicked and cried and screamed during the whole 5-1/2 hour flight. My husband was a little annoyed about it, but to be honest, all I could think of was…wow, am I glad that kid is not mine! The parents were frantically trying to get him to calm down the whole time…I actually felt bad for them. So rather than get annoyed, I just plugged in my Nano and listened to music, and also watched Eat Pray Love with Julia Roberts on the digiplayer.

Hub and I spent Sunday getting settled. When I picked up B, he was glad to see me, but probably not as much as I was to see him. I think he enjoyed his 3 weeks at Auntie Pam's. He absolutely loves her, and she spoils him rotten. He also gets along really well with Olive and Kermit. They spend a lot of time chasing each other and the cats, and barking at squirrels in the back yard. I feel so fortunate to have met Pam, because I can't think of anything worse than worrying that my dog is pining away for me. (Of course, it works both ways...we'll be watching Kermit & Olive for a few weeks in February.) I do think Buster is glad to be back home as an "only dog" and I'm glad to have him with me. When I woke up last night, I was comforted by the fact that he was crowding me out of the bed, as usual. *smile*

So this morning, this is what I found in my office: A big snow storm happened right after we left for vacation, so my co-workers were welcoming me back with a humorous taste of the weather that I missed. They put my name plate on him, but everyone kept calling him Frosty. I did have a lot of work to catch up on right away, and I didn't have time to figure out what to do with him. So Frosty is still in my office. He's really large and overbearing so I guess I'll have to take him down to the recycle bin tomorrow.

That's all the good stuff...now for the not so good...

In spite of my resolution to not gain any weight…when I weighed myself on Sunday, I had gained 7 lbs in 3 weeks. I about freaked out when I saw the scale. I had no idea I was even capable of gaining that much weight in 3 weeks. I've been on vacations when I gained 3, 4, or 5 lbs. Never 7 before. I honestly didn't think I was eating that badly. I was just trying to feel "normal" and enjoy my vacation without worrying too much about my weight and what I ate.

So, I guess the plan is to start drinking water, eating right, and working out. I'm pretty sure "it" will come off fairly quickly. Today has been a good day for water and food (unfortunately, there was no time for exercise today).

I do see a lot of growth in how I'm handling the gain. Normally I'd beat myself up, starve, get depressed, engage in a lot of negative self-talk, and obsess about it. I'll admit I have been obsessing a little, but I honestly don't feel depressed and I haven't been hating on myself. Plus I see Dr D on Wednesday and I'm sure she'll help me through this.

Anyway, that's a short update on my first few days back. It really is good to be home.

Our last day in Hawaii

We're leaving tomorrow afternoon for home. We've had great weather until today…it's raining and really windy...almost hurricane winds! It's warm rain so we're enjoying it anyway, and watching the big waves is kind of exciting. We've just been reading and relaxing today. Later, we're going to do a little gift shopping and have dinner at a local fish & chips establishment.

I'll update on what's been happening when we get back to Seattle. We get in late tomorrow night, so it might be a few days until I get caught up enough to post. I took a few videos on my nano a few days ago. I'm not sure how they turned out, but if they're at all interesting, I'll include one or two.

I can't wait to see my dog.

Have a great weekend!

I'm only posting this because it was hilarious

Since I'm on vacation, I am actually able to stay up late enough to watch some of the late night talk shows. Last night Hub and I were watching the Conan O'Brien Show. (I really like Conan, so I'm glad he's back on TV.)

I didn't see the show the night before where he was talking to Tim Gunn about men wearing "jeggings" which are a combination of jeans and leggings. So when I saw this...

I laughed so hard. Especially when he walks across the stage...with his skinny legs, he looks like a stork.

(When you go to the link, the video is at the bottom of the page.)

The Best Vacation Dress...

I bought this as a cover up for the beach, but have been wearing it as a dress when we go out to eat in the evening. I've gotten several compliments, and it's so comfortable yet still kind of sexy. It's really not as short as it is on the model, and hides your stomach. It's very stretchy, which is good if you are feeling fat, like I have been lately. It does emphasize your cleavage, which can be a good thing if you are trying to distract from other...uh...body issues (a.k.a...my stomach).

I got it from Nordstrom, it is from "Make+Model," and the style is called Bermuda Cover Up. Just passing on the info if you were looking for something comfy and casual, but still cute, for a vacation.

P.S. In case you were wondering...This is not me in the photo...ha ha.

Surprise: Too Much Salt Will Make You Swell UP!

I know that salt can make people retain water, contribute to high blood pressure, etc. My husband is one who is salt sensitive. He religiously watches his salt intake, reads labels and won't buy something if the sodium content is too high. I, however, am one of those people who has never had much of a problem with salt. I have low blood pressure (typically 110/60) and I've actually been rather cavalier about the issue. "Oh, salt never bothers me." In fact, I often add salt when I could probably get by without it. I tend to like things on the salty side.

Yesterday, we went with our newly arrived friends to a Chinese restaurant out by the airport. We ordered several dishes, including one called salt and pepper pork chops. When the food came, even I noticed that most of it was rather salty and that the pork chops were VERY salty. But did it keep me from eating them? No. After all, I don't have an issue with salt.

Last night, as I was writing my apology post, my feet were on the floor (as opposed to up on a footstool). Writing the post took about 20 minutes. When I finished, I got up to go to bed, and realized I could hardly walk. My feet and ankles were SO swollen, they looked grotesque. I had never seen them look like that except immediately after I sprained the right ankle a few years ago. The skin was stretched so tight it felt ready to split. I literally hobbled into the bathroom, took a good look, and said to myself..."Wow, I guess too much salt can make you swell up." Duh. (Especially when combined with hot, humid weather, and not drinking much water.)

So I immediately drank two huge glasses of water, went to bed and propped up my feet on two big pillows. Of course, I was up 3 times in the night to pee, but this morning my ankles look almost normal again. Not quite, but almost.

Live and learn, I guess. Today I'm going to be drinking tons of water and watching the salt intake. So far, I've already had 3 big glasses of water.

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a nice Thursday. Excuse me while I run to the bathroom.

Sorry for the Whiny Last Post

I hope no one was offended by my last post. Here I am in beautiful Hawaii, yet I am whining about not having everything I want in a vacation. Not very grateful.

The church we attend here in Hawaii is where Father Damien was ordained into the priesthood in 1864. (He was canonized last year, and is now referred to as Saint Damien.) I enjoy reading history books, especially ones that are pertinent to places I've been or seen, so when we first got here, I bought a book in the parish bookstore called Leper Priest of Moloka'i: The Father Damien Story.

Father Damien spent his life caring for the lepers on Molokai and ended up getting leprosy himself. He died at an early age due to the disease. He was an amazing, totally selfless individual.

I just finished reading the book tonight, and I am feeling very ashamed of myself for my earlier post. Reading this book puts everything into perspective. Not just my attitude about this vacation, but life in general.

I've got the Sunshine, but Where are the Lollipops?

Even while I'm on vacation, I seem to have trouble posting even once a week. And it's not because I'm Soooo.Busy.Having.Fun. I've actually only been on the beach twice in almost 2 weeks.

I have been walking almost every morning, but to be honest, my resolve regarding eating healthy has slipped a little. Nothing too drastic, but I think that instead of maintaining or losing as I had intended, I feel like I've put on a couple of pounds.

The weather has been great, but since Thanksgiving, we've been working…running around doing errands and such. To explain, we own a very nice condo that we bought many years ago, before prices went crazy. It's on the beach, so it's rented out most of the time we are not here. We're very lucky to own it, as it does give us a place to come for a few weeks a year, and the rentals pay for the majority of the mortgage and taxes. But the unit takes a lot of abuse throughout the year, and much of our time here is consumed with doing things that need to be done. Last year it was getting new carpeting and bedroom ceiling fan, and having workmen in to replace the shower (plus we had to drive all over kingdom come to choose the materials). The year before, we needed a new washer/dryer and living room furniture. We spend a lot of time shopping for items, and we actually do a lot of the installation work ourselves. Even when we aren't able to do it ourselves, we still have to be here while someone else does it.

This year our list has included:

1. A new TV
2. New draperies
3. Repairing the stove
4. Getting the windows washed

1. Our management company had been complaining that renters didn't like the old TV (which I completely understand, it was ancient technology from about 10 years ago). Of course, choosing the right one took several trips to the Sears in the nearby mall (a traffic nightmare), Costco (another nightmare), and Best Buy. We finally got a 40 inch LED TV, brought it home and set it up. Then we tried to find a stand for it. Several more trips here and there. Once we decided on the one we wanted, it was out of stock at Best Buy. 6 weeks to get it. Frustrating. So we're going to use the old stand for now, and next time we come we'll order it in advance so it's here for pick up when we arrive.

2. The draperies need to be custom made. There are only about 3 drapery companies here on Oahu, and involves having someone come out and measure and give quotes. It's hard to get anyone to come, and material choices are limited. Then it takes 4 months to actually get the draperies.

3. We either needed to get a new stove, or new knobs for the old one. The stove works fine, but the knobs were worn out. After trips to every appliance store and Home Depot on the island, we finally found some replacement knobs. In all of Oahu, there was one kind of knob.

4. We can't do the windows ourselves because we are on the 12th floor, and special equipment is needed to get to the farthest window. The first guy we contacted wanted $350 for a job that will take an hour to do, so Hub is in the process of calling several other companies.

5. (Oh, you didn't know there was a 5 did you?) Monday, the kitchen sink decided to stop up, and we had to get a plumber @ $125/hr to spend 3 hours trying to snake it out. Turns out the problem is actually above us in another unit (don't ask me how these things work, the building was built in the 70's, and I guess there are some things that are not up to current plumbing codes), so the building maintenance guy will need to get access to the other unit in order to fix the problem. Who knows when that will be, so in the meantime, we are afraid to use the garbage disposal. (At least the water does go down now.)

Between my husband, who is a complete Type A personality, and the Hawaiian way of doing things, nothing is easy here when it comes to getting repairs and maintenance done.

Now…honestly…I'm not complaining. It's just that as a vacation, coming here is not all it might seem on the surface. But we have some friends arriving today and tomorrow, so Hub will probably mellow out a bit. Then on Sunday, we are leaving for a week on the Big Island, where we are renting someone else's condo, and we'll have no chores to do. Yay! Maybe I'll actually be able to get a tan next week!