Looking forward to 2010

I'm so grateful for so many things this year. 2009 has been very good to me in so many ways and I have a feeling that 2010 is going to be even better.

I used to make resolutions every year. They were usually a bit complicated, and I'd write them down in a notebook, or on a Word document on my computer. Then I wouldn't even look at them again until I'd be cleaning out my desk or computer files months or even a few years later, and there they'd be. And I'd never have done any of them.

It got me to thinking...at my job, we are always working toward specific "goals" and we have to report to the results of our work to management. So we have to get at least some, if not most or even all, of the goal accomplished. Which is what we want, right? So I decided to look at what the difference was between a goal vs. resolution.

Resolutions are usually very general, and consist of statements like “I want to lose weight.” Meanwhile, goals are more specific, such as “Lose 5 lbs in the next year.”

A specific goal is more attainable than a general resolution of wanting to lose weight. You are more likely to reach a specific goal than an overall resolution. If your New Year's resolution is to go on a diet and lose weight, then as soon as you go off your diet and gain weight, you will feel as if you failed. So, it would be better to have a goal to lose 5 lbs in the next year. That way, even if you go up and down a bit during the year on the way to the goal, you won't have "failed."

SO...My goals for 2010 are pretty basic:
1. Continue to work on my mental health issues by seeing my therapist twice a month and through blogging regularly
2. Lose 7 pounds in a healthy way (by eating normal and doing some form of exercise 4-5 days a week)

That's it…simple stuff. I think these goals are achievable.

We are going to a fancy wedding tonight at a local winery. I am still deciding what to wear…I can either wear the same cocktail dress I wore to hub's reunion this summer; or a pair of velvet pants and a shimmery top that I wore to a charity auction last winter. Both are very dressy… but it's very rainy and cold today, so I'm thinking I might be more comfortable in the pants. I still have a few hours to decide…

When you think about it, this is a great day to get married. You're celebrating on New Year's Eve anyway, so celebrating your anniversary on that same day is kind of romantic. Also, the husband will always be able to remember the date, so it will keep him out of trouble with his wife in the future. Ha ha.

I hope everyone has the most WONDERFUL New Year's Eve and Day. See you in 2010!

Much love

~Graciela

Dead fish and house guests...

The old saying goes, “Dead fish and house guests both start to stink in three days.”

I do love our friend. Maybe it's just because he's a bachelor dude and doesn't seem realize that:

• The dishes he uses should be washed, or at least taken to the kitchen (not left on the table for me to pick up)
  
• He makes noises when he eats
• He asks a question and then interrupts before I can get 3 words out
• His little dog chews on anything that's not nailed down
  

Yes, I know that I'm a bit of a neat freak…

(Okay, so I'm actually a rather obsessive neat freak…)

But I'm trying to use this as a learning experience…


Relax…Breathe...Enjoy the company…

But DANG IT…

Buster has had the same toys since he was a baby (even as a puppy he was not destructive), and since Zoe got here she has destroyed a half dozen. Squeakers de-squeaked… button eyes gouged out… stuffing everywhere!

Poor Buster won't have any toys left by the time she goes home!

AND POOR TEDDY!

Okay…I feel better now. Thanks for letting me vent.

Heavy sigh...shoulders back...BIG SMILE!

I can now continue to be nice to our guest.

Life is STILL GOOD!

I'm feeling very relieved that I got through Christmas without having a meltdown, especially considering how my mom acted. To give you an idea of how bad it was, she called first thing the next morning morning to apologize.

Yes, it was pretty bad because she usually doesn't even recognize how badly she acts. She spent the day with her usual martyred "I'm so put upon and tired" look. This in spite of the fact that she had to do NOTHING related to putting on the meal. The food was all brought by Hub and me and my brother. The table got set by my niece. My sister-in-law and I did all the clean up. Yet, Mom still snapped several times at Hub while he was trying to finish up preparing the meat and gravy. And when I'd ask her where something was (a serving plate, or a bowl, or whatever), she'd snap at me too. "Oh what a world..."

But I didn't react. And Hub, bless his heart, didn't react either. (Mom was lucky he didn't walk out and tell her to cook her own damn Christmas meal.)

So the day was saved, the meal was delicious, and the dinner conversation was generally pleasant. Our friend was a great addition to the occasion, and he got along great with everyone.

Yesterday, we just hung out. Food was a little too carb oriented. We had French toast made with pannettone for breakfast (which I think gave me a headache...or maybe it was the maple syrup...too much sugar) and last night we went to dinner at a restaurant called "Pogacha." Pogacha is a Croation term meaning "soft, chewy flatbread" and they are basically small personal pizzas. I split a Caesar salad with Hub plus I had a pogacha with pepperoni and gorgonzola.

My eating is still a bit off today…not bad but not great. But I'll be working the rest of the week, so it will be easier to be a bit more disciplined. But whatever I gain as a result of the holiday, I know I can lose it back within a few days. So I'm not gonna obsess on it.

Tena asked for my deviled egg recipe, it's really simple. I presume everyone knows how to make deviled eggs in general, so this is just how I make the filling:

To the egg yolks of a dozen eggs add:
1/2 cup Best Foods (aka Hellmanns) Real Mayonnaise (I only use full fat Best Foods mayo. I tried using low fat once, but I was really disappointed in the result)
2 tsp. French's yellow mustard
1 tsp. cider vinegar

This is the recipe I've used for 25 years. To be honest, I don't really measure anything anymore. I just put in a big glob of mayo, a fairly large squirt of the mustard and a capful of vinegar, whip it up, and then add more of whatever is needed. Add more mayo if the eggs are still a bit dry; if you like the eggs a bit more tangy, you can add a little more vinegar.

Everyone seems to love these eggs...At least there are never any left whenever I serve them.

Usually Hub and I go grocery shopping together on Sunday afternoons, but right now he and his friend are over at another friend's house trying to fix her treadmill. So I need to get to the grocery store by myself to buy a few staple food items. Note to self: Only healthy good things will be bought!

See you all later...

Life is good...

First of all, let me wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Last year at this time, we were wondering if we were even going to be able to get to my mom's house because of all the snow. This year, the weather has been very nice. In fact, today is absolutely gorgeous…It's a little cold, but I'll take that any day over snow.

Today's Christmas Tree photo

Last year's Christmas Tree photo...look at the snow!
(Every year I set up everything almost exactly the same...
I'm such a creature of habit!)

A few days ago, a friend of ours who lives in Tahoe was talking to Hub, and mentioned he didn't have any plans for Christmas. In fact, he was a bit depressed because his kids were going to be at his ex-wife's place for Christmas, plus there were several family stresses going on related to that. Hub said…"Why don't you come here for Christmas?" So he did!

He left Tahoe yesterday and drove straight through and got here this afternoon. I'm thrilled…he's such a nice guy, and it is especially fun to have company when you have such a small family as we do. JD and Hub are old friends from when Hub got back from Vietnam in late 60s, they were both mechanics at the same gas station. So they've already started on some guy project in the garage.

The only "problem" is that JD has a little dachshund Zoe and she drives B crazy trying to get him to play. Christmas Day will be a real fido-fest at my mom's house with 4 dogs… B, Zoe, Rosie, and Bonnie. Lots of doggie fun!

We went to Mass at 6 p.m. (the singing was wonderful) and then to dinner at a seafood restaurant. It's a tradition for Catholics to not eat meat on Christmas Eve so we had lobster, clams, fish filet, and shrimp. And I had 3 sakes. I love sake. ..everyone asks "Why do you drink sake at a Chinese restaurant?" Because I love sake. That's the only reason. So if they have it, I order it.

Anyway, we're home now, watching "It's a Wonderful Life" but I don't think I'm going to be able to stay awake. I think B & I should go to bed. I have get up fairly early tomorrow to peel potatoes (for blue cheese/parmesan scalloped potatoes) and boil eggs (for my famous deviled eggs). We're also having a pork roast which Hub just put into a brine. My brother will be baking sour dough rolls and is also making plum pudding (a Scottish family tradition).

SO…take care, everyone…don't eat or drink too much…drive safely if you're going anywhere…and I hope all your Christmas wishes come true!

P.S. I just noticed I've been blogging since December 16, 2008. So this is kind of my "bloggiversary." I can't believe how much more sane and stable I feel this year than last year...plus I've lost 14 lbs in the last year...and I hope to keep getting better in 2010. And thanks to everyone who helped me SO much in this journey...I love you all.

Whew...

I did it...I spent the day with my mother, and I didn't freak out!

I almost lost my temper a few times, but I didn't. Putting up the tree was a chore, especially since my mother kept critiquing what I was doing. "Why don't you do it this way?" "I don't like the way that looks..." etc., etc. It was really annoying.

Finally I told her in a very pleasant voice, "Mother, just let me finish and then you can tell me if it looks okay; if not, I can change it. But right now I'm in the middle of putting the tree together, it's not the finished product." I was amazed, she said "Okay, I'll just sit here and watch. I won't say anything more." And she did! She just quietly sat until I was finished and then we tweaked it a bit to her satisfaction. Normally I would have just gotten irritated and snapped at her, and the day would have gone downhill from there.

After we were done with the tree, I drove her to a doctor appointment and then around town so she could do some Christmas shopping, and we actually had a good conversation in the car. She didn't say anything critical to me (about my clothes, my hair, my weight, my car, the way I drive...) which is really unusual.

As for how I handled food today: Mom did have some Lindt truffles in the house (my favorite) but I only had 4 pieces (about 300 calories). Normally I would have eaten about 20. On the drive home, I didn't even think about stopping for binge food. After I got home, I walked into the house and announced to hub: "My mom drives me crazy." He said "Of course she does" and then he and I laughed about it a bit. It felt good to laugh about it.

Then I called Mom to let her know I got home okay (she always wants to make sure) and she told me, "I don't know what I'd do without you. You know, you're my angel. God blessed me when he gave me you." I was so surprised...it actually made me tear up a little bit.

I'm really trying to change the way I react to her. I'm trying to look at her as I would look at a customer at work. I never lose my temper or snap at someone who needs a permit, no matter how annoying or unpleasant that person is...co-workers often comment on how patient I am with even the most difficult customers. As Dr D advised, I'm reacting to Mom with my "adult professional" self, rather than my "little girl" self. As a result, she seems to be treating me with more respect and even love. (Or it could just be a passing phase...lol). Whatever it is, I'm not feeling so crazy anymore.

Now all I need is to get through Christmas...with the whole family there, it's gonna be a special challenge.

Off to see Mom...

Just a quick post…I'm taking part of the day off from work and going to see my mom today. She needs help putting up her little Christmas tree, plus it’s her birthday.

She called last night but I didn’t hear the phone ring. So she left me a voicemail which I didn’t listen to until it was too late to call her back last night. All I can say is…sometimes her tone of voice just pushes all my buttons and drives me bonkers. The tone is a combo of “martyr” and “helpless” with a dash of guilt thrown in for good measure.

I actually found myself yelling profane things at the voicemail. LOL!

Thank goodness I’ve been working so hard on childhood issues or I’d already be bingeing this morning. As it is, I’m doing okay. I’ll let you know how it goes…if I can get through this week, including Christmas, without having a meltdown (like I have in years past), then I think we can safely say that I’ve made progress in the mental health department.

One step forward and two steps back...

Or is it two steps forward and one step back?

I wonder what's going on with me.

I had a pretty intense session with Dr D, my first in several weeks. I swear, every time I think I'm getting better, strange things start to happen.

We got back from vacation late Monday. As I mentioned, I ate heartily, had a great time, gained 5 lb., and wasn't upset about it…or so I thought.

I've had almost nothing to eat now in 3 days…I take my food to work, but I don't eat it. I've been eating very little for dinner. The thought of food makes me physically nauseous. I don't feel hungry, except my stomach growls constantly. Yet it feels good to not eat. Does that sound weird? I skipped our department holiday potluck today, even though I brought something for it and even dressed up festively for the occasion. But when the lunch started, the thought of eating or even being around all that food (and people eating food) was…disgusting. So I stayed at my desk and worked. I know my co-workers thought that was strange, but at the moment, I could handle that better than being around the food.

Toward the very end of my session today, I mentioned this to Dr D. We had talked about a lot of stuff...and then I casually threw it in at the end. Kind of like I wanted to talk about it, but not really. I didn't leave enough time for us to discuss. But she did have enough time to tell me that was an eating-disorder red flag…restricting food and then getting almost a good feeling, or high, from it. She thinks it's the way I'm dealing with coming back to my stressful job and the upcoming holidays (seeing my mom, etc).

I have mixed emotions about what's going on with me… The fact is, in my body, I feel calm and good. I really feel like I want to just go with "the flow" and keep not eating (and losing weight). After all, it's not always so easy, so I should enjoy it while I can, right?…But my head tells me this is not a truly good thing, that I should try to eat.

I'm so sick of being sick, of being crazy, of letting food and my weight run my life. I want to be normal. I just want to get caught up at work and make it through the holidays without losing my mind. But right now, I just feel so…strange.

Rainy Homecoming

After 7 beautiful days in Kailua-Kona on the Big Island, we came home on Monday night. To rain. And more rain. And darkness.

I want to go back. I loved it there. I miss the warmth and sunshine. The sunsets were incredible, varying between dark red and purple...I think because of the volcanic fog ("VOG").

I also miss sleeping late and eating too much and just generally being lazy.

Unfortunately...it's back to the grind...

But before I go, I just have to share a few memories of our last week of vacation…

View from condo lanai in Kailua-Kona

Dead puffer fish...food for crabs...YUM!

Another sunset....surfers in the distance

Another sunset...at the nearby marina

One of the highlights of the trip for me was hiking the Kilauea Iki crater with Lara (the daughter of hub's friend)...

There are two craters...Kilauea and Kilauea Iki (which means "small Kilauea"). Kilauea is currently very active, and the Park Service won't let anyone get close enough to actually see the lava. Meanwhile, the last time Iki erupted was in 1959; still the crater floor still vents steam and you can feel the heat through your shoes. The information from the Park Service:

My friend and I finished it in 1 hour and 15 minutes...but then we're both a bit crazy. I realized after we had finished that I tweaked my ankle a little (I had injured this same ankle badly about 5 years ago) and it's been swollen, but not too painful.

View from above the crater (Kileaua steam in background)

Active Kilauea crater in the distance

Here I am at the floor of the Kilauea Iki crater...what an eerie place!

It was a great trip and although in some ways I want to go back...it's good to be home with my buddy B, in my own bed, and back in my routine. Even though I started out great food-wise, I gained 5 lbs in the last 2 weeks. But I'm already back on track. Atkins bar for breakfast, yogurt and fruit for lunch, soup for dinner…I'm trying to get caught up at work, and then I'll have a chance to visit all my buddies' blogs. See you all soon!

(P.S. I did talk to hub about how he treats me. I wasn't accusatory or mean, but I told him that I just need to be treated nicely. Please…think before you speak. Consider how your tone and your words can hurt. I'm hoping he'll take our conversation to heart. We'll see.)

R E S P E C T...

I do love my hub, but sometimes he's not very nice to me. He has a temper and tends to yell at me about silly stuff. This vacation has really brought this to a head. I just told him tonight (the day before we leave for home) that "we will talk" when we get back to Seattle.

My bottom line is…I need to be treated with respect. I'm absolutely not a "high maintenance" person...but I do have some basic needs.

Seriously…all I want is to be treated nicely. Don't YELL at me. Don't DEMEAN me. Don't treat me like CRAP. Don't treat me like I'm an idiot…because I AM NOT. Yes, I love my hub and my life.

But since we've been on vacation, some stuff has come up. And it's not pretty.

I'm a valuable person and I WILL be respected. I love him but I don't "need" him, in any financial or emotional sense. So...

If he can't treat me with respect...the relationship WILL end.

Aloha Oahu...Aloha Kona

Did you know that Aloha is used both to say hello and goodbye?

Before I say Aloha (goodbye) to Oahu and Aloha (hello) to Kona, I thought I'd show some highlights of our time in Waikiki and Honolulu.

The first are “food oriented” OF COURSE! (lol):

Waimalu Chop Suey, AKA The House of Gau Gee, in Aeaia

We ran across Waimalu Chop Suey when we went shopping for a new fan for the condo. The food was cheap, plentiful, and GOOD. The specialty of the house is a big dumpling called Gau Gee.

Gau Gee

The gau gee was definitely tasty, but all the other dishes we ordered were so delicious too. And when we asked for beer, the waitress said: “No beer here…you want beer, you go next door and buy to drink here.” Fun and inexpensive...Our kind of place.

We had one of the best Chinese meals I’ve ever had at Fook Yuen Seafood Restaurant. (You may recall the name of this place from my previous post..my friend Maryann "accidentally" held her hand over the "en" in Yuen while I took the picture of the menu)

Forgive me for elaborating, but the food was amazing:

• Westlake soup • Crispy duck •
Clams in black bean sauce • Honey walnut shrimp •
Crab with ginger sauce • Lobster with noodles •
2 vegetable dishes (eggplant and spinach) • Dessert •
All for $225 for 6 people (including sake)

It’s so fun to go with a bunch of people to a restaurant like this, you can order a ton of food and every body chips in to pay the bill.

Yes, yes, yes...there's more to vacation than just food:

I hiked to the top of Diamond Head Crater last Thursday with a friend. We started about 8 a.m. before it started to get too hot. It was a gorgeous day and we had the BEST time!

Here I am at the top of Diamond Head
Overlooking Waikiki

And NOW for the PSEUDO-ARTISTIC crap, as promised:

Bar at new Trump Tower
Very elegant but oh-so expensive…$50 for 3 drinks!
(Not going back there!)

Rainbow over the City View from our Condo

The requisite sunset picture

Red sky at night

Mele Kalikimaka!
I have a tiny artificial Christmas tree that I put up each year
and I decorate it with mini-ornaments.
Here it is reflected in a big mirror in the living room…

That’s about it for now. We are now on the Big Island for a week. Today we just relaxed and I got to see about 5 honu (sea turtles) in the surf right outside the place we're renting. I also sat for an hour and watched a bunch of little black crabs eat a dead puffer fish...now that's exciting!

Well, that's about it for now...I'm hoping to go snorkeling tomorrow as there is a bay nearby that's supposedly the best for that.

I'll try to post again in a few days.

(Sorry about the quality of some of the photos...they were all taken with my Blackberry)

A Very Special Pictorial Shout Out...to ANONYMOUS

To My Friend "Anonymous"

Who so graciously told me no one gives a shit about my fancy vacation...

And who called me a Rich Bitch...


~Graciela

(sorry...I couldn't resist! lol)

I'm working on it...

I have a really long post in the works, with pictures and everything!!! Chinese restaurants, Diamond Head trek, sunsets, pseudo-artistic crap...you name it, it's on it's way!

But we've been so busy that it's taking me a while to get around to finishing it.

We're off to the Big Island tomorrow, and we have no chores or major activities planned once we get there. So I think I'll have a bit more time to give you the goods.

Rich Bitch???

"So you are having a fancy vacation, who gives a shit. Rich bitch."

So what's up with that comment? I was a bit taken aback when I read it…why would someone say something so nasty to someone they don't even know?

I'm such a sucker for criticism that I actually spent yesterday feeling bad. But as the day went on, I started to get pissed. I didn't feel as if I was bragging when I wrote my last post, but apparently "Anonymous" was offended.

"Anonymous" has no knowledge of my life and the fact that my hub and I work our asses off just so we can take a special vacation. "Anonymous" has no idea that we discussed canceling our vacation this year because of the economy and because hub's business isn't doing as well as previous years. And I'm sure "Anonymous" would be surprised to see us pour through the Entertainment Coupon Book so we can go out for a nice dinner while we're here.

Yes, my hub and I are very lucky, and we have a bit more than many people do…but nothing we have was ever given to us. We have worked hard for it, and we are thankful for what we have.

Rich Bitch…yeah sure. "Anonymous," I may be a bitch, but I sure as hell ain't rich.

And if you don't want to hear about my "fancy" vacation, then don't read my blog.