I haven’t been very motivated to post anything this last week. I feel as if I’ve just been working long days and then going home tired.
Early in the week, I was asked by a colleague to write a professional opinion on a Code interpretation question. I was flattered to be asked, but knowing my opinion would be reviewed by several other people in my field, I focused on it to the detriment of other things I needed to get done at work.
When I finally submitted my opinion for review, no one could find a flaw in my research, presentation of fact, or conclusion. I’m sure I provided way more information than they expected (or maybe even wanted). One reviewer described me as “the researcher’s researcher.” While that sounds good and it’s nice to get compliments, I’m such a perfectionist that taking on projects like this can be very stressful. I’m always so afraid I might make a tiny mistake or miss something, however miniscule…heaven forbid!
The bottom line is I went a bit overboard (okay, a LOT overboard)…and I’m not sure whether I was trying to impress the others or whether I was just very concerned that I would look stupid if I made any kind of a mistake. Maybe it was a bit of both, but I think it was mostly the latter. Logic tells me that there’s got to be a happy medium between "absolutely perfect" and "completely stupid"…right? I just don’t know how to find that balance. I have been discussing my perfectionist tendencies with Dr. D, but it is hard to imagine that I will ever be able to relax when I’m involved in this type of thing.
I am happy to say that my food has been VERY good this week, but I've only worked out once this week so far, on Wednesday, so I'm a bit disappointed in that. I was just too busy and then too tired to do much. The weather promises to be beautiful tomorrow, so I’m looking forward to a nice walk with B.
I’m really tired now, so I’m off to bed. Take care, everyone.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
My opinion on Biggest Loser
I love watching Biggest Loser each week and afterwards reading everyone’s reactions to the show. It’s fun to see which bloggers don’t like which contestants, and who everyone hopes gets voted off each week.
But I’ve always had a problem with the basic premise. You win if you have the largest percentage of weight loss from where you started. It obviously favors those who weigh the most from the very beginning. (And let’s be honest, this is usually the men.)
Take two people, both of whose “perfect” weight is 150 lbs. But say person 1 was only 100 lbs overweight in the beginning; and person 2 was 200 lbs overweight. If they both get down to 150 lbs:
250 – 100 = 150 40% loss
350 – 200 = 150 57% loss
(I've never been good at math so if this is not correct, please let me know!)
The most unfair thing is that if the person who is the most overweight doesn’t get down to his perfect weight, he could still win the competition. This has never made sense to me. I also think they are encouraging some of the contestants, especially the ones who are not as overweight as the others, to do crazy things with their health in order to win. In my opinion, some people get way too skinny in hopes of winning the prize. I think they are even setting people up for eating disorders.
Now that the show has been on for a while, I think they should take a step back from the same old format and do something that makes more sense. Maybe they should chose contestants who are all the same gender and who all have about the same amount to lose. Then give them a specific goal weight; I’d even like to see them be assigned a weight that they are not allowed to go under or they will forfeit the competition. If they all reach their goal weight without going under (sounds kind of like Price is Right in reverse!), they could split the prize.
Just my opinion…People should be encouraged to be healthy, not crazy!
But I’ve always had a problem with the basic premise. You win if you have the largest percentage of weight loss from where you started. It obviously favors those who weigh the most from the very beginning. (And let’s be honest, this is usually the men.)
Take two people, both of whose “perfect” weight is 150 lbs. But say person 1 was only 100 lbs overweight in the beginning; and person 2 was 200 lbs overweight. If they both get down to 150 lbs:
250 – 100 = 150 40% loss
350 – 200 = 150 57% loss
(I've never been good at math so if this is not correct, please let me know!)
The most unfair thing is that if the person who is the most overweight doesn’t get down to his perfect weight, he could still win the competition. This has never made sense to me. I also think they are encouraging some of the contestants, especially the ones who are not as overweight as the others, to do crazy things with their health in order to win. In my opinion, some people get way too skinny in hopes of winning the prize. I think they are even setting people up for eating disorders.
Now that the show has been on for a while, I think they should take a step back from the same old format and do something that makes more sense. Maybe they should chose contestants who are all the same gender and who all have about the same amount to lose. Then give them a specific goal weight; I’d even like to see them be assigned a weight that they are not allowed to go under or they will forfeit the competition. If they all reach their goal weight without going under (sounds kind of like Price is Right in reverse!), they could split the prize.
Just my opinion…People should be encouraged to be healthy, not crazy!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Garden time
I’m one of those persons who doesn’t like change, and I’m also not very techno-savvy…so I really had to push myself to change my blog template. It took me an hour to find one I liked and then to figure out how to do the process. I’m kind of happy with how it turned out.
Yesterday, I spent the afternoon puttering around outside, getting my pots ready for tomatoes and other veggies. I don’t have a “normal” garden. Instead I have a retaining wall that is made up of 3- to 4-foot long pieces of 24-inch steel pipe on end, about 25 of them, filled with dirt ("my pots"). They are in the sun almost all day, and the pipe itself holds the heat, so they are great for vegetables. We always get tons of tomatoes, sugar snap peas, leeks, onions, and radishes. But I’m not sure if it’s too early in the year to plant my tomatoes...it still gets down to the low 40's or occasionally even the upper 30's at night. I usually wait until after Mother’s Day, but this year I’m anxious and excited to get started. Maybe I’ll split the difference and plant next week.
B & I took the Big Walk this morning with our friends Pam and Kermit and Olive, always a good time. I’m becoming good friends with Pam, who is about my age. We’re both totally focused on our dogs, so we’ve decided to go on a “girls-n-dogs” weekend at the beach in mid-May.
Well, time to get something done besides walking and reading blogs. Have a great weekend, everyone!
Yesterday, I spent the afternoon puttering around outside, getting my pots ready for tomatoes and other veggies. I don’t have a “normal” garden. Instead I have a retaining wall that is made up of 3- to 4-foot long pieces of 24-inch steel pipe on end, about 25 of them, filled with dirt ("my pots"). They are in the sun almost all day, and the pipe itself holds the heat, so they are great for vegetables. We always get tons of tomatoes, sugar snap peas, leeks, onions, and radishes. But I’m not sure if it’s too early in the year to plant my tomatoes...it still gets down to the low 40's or occasionally even the upper 30's at night. I usually wait until after Mother’s Day, but this year I’m anxious and excited to get started. Maybe I’ll split the difference and plant next week.
B & I took the Big Walk this morning with our friends Pam and Kermit and Olive, always a good time. I’m becoming good friends with Pam, who is about my age. We’re both totally focused on our dogs, so we’ve decided to go on a “girls-n-dogs” weekend at the beach in mid-May.
Well, time to get something done besides walking and reading blogs. Have a great weekend, everyone!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Catching up...and family crap
My cold didn’t amount to much, in fact it’s almost gone already. Seriously, I think the Zicam killed it. I don’t like using Zicam, because it’s kind of irritating in my nose and makes me sneeze like crazy. But if you start using it right away, it seems to stop the cold dead in its tracks. This isn’t a plug, but just an honest assessment…Zicam seems to keep colds at bay. When I’m stressed out, I have always gotten colds, and they usually are doozies. This one and the last one about 6 weeks ago were both pretty mild, and I used Zicam both times.
It’s amazing that, although I was kind of sniffly and tired, I actually felt good enough on our anniversary to go out for dinner. We went to a restaurant at a golf club at the top of a mountain, with a beautiful view. It was a lovely day, we watched the sunset, and we had a nice time. But I was ready for bed when we got home..and NOT “ready for bed…heh heh” if you know what I mean. So much for passionate sex on our anniversary. LOL.
I had therapy on Wednesday, but nothing earth shattering. I still had a stuffy nose, and as soon as I got even a little emotional, I almost couldn’t breathe. So we kept it pretty low-key, but I still had some helpful insights.
So, today we had a minor family crisis. Without getting into too much detail…a few months ago, hubby called my brother, who is a lawyer, to help him with a business issue. I love my brother (I guess) but he is a bit of an jerk and not someone I would associate with if I wasn’t related to him. Hubby knows this and has the same feelings. Still, against my advice, he involved my brother, and so of course things are going to shit now.
Big surprise...NOT.
To make a long story short, hubby talked to bro tonight, they argued, hubby got mad, and hung up on bro. Then hubby proceeded to complain to me about bro…at which point I told him “Don’t you DARE involve me in this!” After I stewed a bit...I told hubby "Now I'm upset." Hubby can be a bit self-centered sometimes so he rather flippantly said “Don’t be upset, I’m not…” which in my opinion was kind of an asshole thing to say.
He was basically saying, “It's over for me, so I’m not going to worry about it.” Normally I would have said nothing. Instead, I got pissed and said “Well, good for you, YOU may not be upset, but now I AM upset! It’s not always about YOU and whether YOU are upset!” Fine, he's not upset, but I still have to deal with the family repercussions because this involves my brother. I stomped around a bit, and then fixed myself a strong rum & diet coke, went into the other room and read a book for about an hour. I actually enjoyed the peace and quiet and solitary buzz.
Now everything is fine between hubby and me. He always gets very sweet and nice to me when he is wrong and I stand up for myself. Tomorrow, I will call my brother and tell him that I don’t want to be in the middle of this crap. So it’s gonna be between hubby and bro, not me. And if the two of them never speak again, that’s fine with me. If we never have another family get-together...so be it. I’ll visit my mom as much as is necessary, by myself if I have to, and everyone else can go fuck themselves.
At this point I'm not going to let it bother me. Bottom line…I don’t need the stress. Screw it. (Thank you, Therapy and Wellbutrin!)
It’s amazing that, although I was kind of sniffly and tired, I actually felt good enough on our anniversary to go out for dinner. We went to a restaurant at a golf club at the top of a mountain, with a beautiful view. It was a lovely day, we watched the sunset, and we had a nice time. But I was ready for bed when we got home..and NOT “ready for bed…heh heh” if you know what I mean. So much for passionate sex on our anniversary. LOL.
I had therapy on Wednesday, but nothing earth shattering. I still had a stuffy nose, and as soon as I got even a little emotional, I almost couldn’t breathe. So we kept it pretty low-key, but I still had some helpful insights.
So, today we had a minor family crisis. Without getting into too much detail…a few months ago, hubby called my brother, who is a lawyer, to help him with a business issue. I love my brother (I guess) but he is a bit of an jerk and not someone I would associate with if I wasn’t related to him. Hubby knows this and has the same feelings. Still, against my advice, he involved my brother, and so of course things are going to shit now.
Big surprise...NOT.
To make a long story short, hubby talked to bro tonight, they argued, hubby got mad, and hung up on bro. Then hubby proceeded to complain to me about bro…at which point I told him “Don’t you DARE involve me in this!” After I stewed a bit...I told hubby "Now I'm upset." Hubby can be a bit self-centered sometimes so he rather flippantly said “Don’t be upset, I’m not…” which in my opinion was kind of an asshole thing to say.
He was basically saying, “It's over for me, so I’m not going to worry about it.” Normally I would have said nothing. Instead, I got pissed and said “Well, good for you, YOU may not be upset, but now I AM upset! It’s not always about YOU and whether YOU are upset!” Fine, he's not upset, but I still have to deal with the family repercussions because this involves my brother. I stomped around a bit, and then fixed myself a strong rum & diet coke, went into the other room and read a book for about an hour. I actually enjoyed the peace and quiet and solitary buzz.
Now everything is fine between hubby and me. He always gets very sweet and nice to me when he is wrong and I stand up for myself. Tomorrow, I will call my brother and tell him that I don’t want to be in the middle of this crap. So it’s gonna be between hubby and bro, not me. And if the two of them never speak again, that’s fine with me. If we never have another family get-together...so be it. I’ll visit my mom as much as is necessary, by myself if I have to, and everyone else can go fuck themselves.
At this point I'm not going to let it bother me. Bottom line…I don’t need the stress. Screw it. (Thank you, Therapy and Wellbutrin!)
Monday, April 20, 2009
Beautiful, Crappy Monday
Today is spectacular weather-wise as it can only be in the Pacific Northwest. The sky is blue, it’s a balmy 70 degrees, and everything is in bloom.
If it is so beautiful, why is today crappy? I've spent the last 2 days with a sneezy, runny nose, which I thought was due to my usual springtime allergies. I finally came to the conclusion last night that it's developed into a head cold. I didn’t sleep well at all and so called in sick this morning. No one likes a snorting, sniffling coworker spreading germs around. I’ve been taking it easy today (I just woke up from a nap), and have been loading up on the Vitamin C, echinacea, Zicam, and Cold-Eeze. I even had a toothache for a while which I think was due to sinus pressure, but a few Tylenol took care of that. B drove me crazy this morning (“Yay, Mom’s home!”), so we did go to the park for about half an hour.
I don’t usually spend a lot of time watching daytime TV on my Fridays off, and now I know why. Daytime TV sucks. The only thing I have been able to stand to have on all day is HGTV. But even that’s getting old. I can only stomach so many kitschy art projects, punchy color schemes, and eco-living tips. Bleh. At least I do get to watch Judge Judy (my guilty pleasure!) at 4 o'clock.
Unfortunately, work commitments require that I do have to go in tomorrow. I’ll just have to load up on Alka Seltzer Cold Plus to keep the snot under control and go home early if I can.
Sad thing is, tomorrow is our 16th anniversary and hubby wondered where we wanted to go for dinner. I told him that I wasn’t sure how I would feel, so we may end up staying home with him cooking dinner. That makes me feel a bit guilty, because he always does the cooking anyway. We’ll see…
Take care, everyone.
If it is so beautiful, why is today crappy? I've spent the last 2 days with a sneezy, runny nose, which I thought was due to my usual springtime allergies. I finally came to the conclusion last night that it's developed into a head cold. I didn’t sleep well at all and so called in sick this morning. No one likes a snorting, sniffling coworker spreading germs around. I’ve been taking it easy today (I just woke up from a nap), and have been loading up on the Vitamin C, echinacea, Zicam, and Cold-Eeze. I even had a toothache for a while which I think was due to sinus pressure, but a few Tylenol took care of that. B drove me crazy this morning (“Yay, Mom’s home!”), so we did go to the park for about half an hour.
I don’t usually spend a lot of time watching daytime TV on my Fridays off, and now I know why. Daytime TV sucks. The only thing I have been able to stand to have on all day is HGTV. But even that’s getting old. I can only stomach so many kitschy art projects, punchy color schemes, and eco-living tips. Bleh. At least I do get to watch Judge Judy (my guilty pleasure!) at 4 o'clock.
Unfortunately, work commitments require that I do have to go in tomorrow. I’ll just have to load up on Alka Seltzer Cold Plus to keep the snot under control and go home early if I can.
Sad thing is, tomorrow is our 16th anniversary and hubby wondered where we wanted to go for dinner. I told him that I wasn’t sure how I would feel, so we may end up staying home with him cooking dinner. That makes me feel a bit guilty, because he always does the cooking anyway. We’ll see…
Take care, everyone.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
No More Weigh-Ins...Ever?
Some of you may remember in mid-March, my therapist told me to stop weighing myself due to my BDD. I guess being somewhat compulsive is not always a bad thing because I've followed this advice to a T.
This morning, as I was reading through a few days’ worth of blogs, it struck me how everyone is so focused on their weight. "Today I'm up a lb, drat!" or "I'm down a lb today, hooray!" Honestly, I’m not criticizing, because people need to do their own thing in the weight/health arena. As a matter of fact, my hubby weighs himself every day. He says he needs to weigh himself for the reality check. According to him, it’s just information. It doesn’t mean anything other than “this is what I weigh today.” He’s a compulsive overeater, so he says weighing every day helps keep him on the straight and narrow as far as his eating goes.
But I never looked at it as just information. It was a measurement of my worth for the day. It told me whether I was allowed to be happy that day…or if the results were bad, I had to hate myself and then punish myself by starving or…worse (believe me...you don't want to know the details of some of the things I've done to my body in the pursuit of thinness). Because of this fear, I used to not weigh myself for weeks. I wanted to weigh, but I also didn’t want to know. I struggled daily with the impulse…to weigh or not to weigh? And during those times when I wasn’t weighing myself, I was still focused on what the scale “probably” said. The fact is…whether I weighed or not, my weight was still the focus of my life.
This morning, while reading some folks' weight loss blogs, I realized that it’s been an amazing and freeing experience to not weigh myself. I think the difference this time has been because I’ve been told to NOT weigh myself FOR MY OWN GOOD. So apparently in my mind, it’s okay to not weigh and also to not think about it. (I've even stopped following some blogs that I realized were focusing in on the weight loss so much that it was a trigger for me...yes, I know, I seem to have LOTS of triggers...)
And so the impulse to "know" my weight has gradually subsided. Along with that, I’ve also noticed a quieting of the need to binge, and an increase in the desire and motivation to eat right and exercise. I’m not attributing all of this change to simply not weighing myself. I’m sure the therapy and the anti-depressants are helping with all these things. But as long as my medical doctor isn’t concerned about my weight (and she’s not..although she does say I need to lose about 10 lbs to be at an optimal weight for my age and height), and my clothes fit (or are getter looser, which they have been), I’m not going to worry about “that number” on the scale.
Whatever the reason(s), the change sure feels good. I guess only time will tell if it lasts. It’s still hard to imagine not ever weighing myself again. But for now, I’ll take the sense of peace that I’m feeling about this one issue.
I hope everyone has a happy and healthy day. Be good to yourselves!
This morning, as I was reading through a few days’ worth of blogs, it struck me how everyone is so focused on their weight. "Today I'm up a lb, drat!" or "I'm down a lb today, hooray!" Honestly, I’m not criticizing, because people need to do their own thing in the weight/health arena. As a matter of fact, my hubby weighs himself every day. He says he needs to weigh himself for the reality check. According to him, it’s just information. It doesn’t mean anything other than “this is what I weigh today.” He’s a compulsive overeater, so he says weighing every day helps keep him on the straight and narrow as far as his eating goes.
But I never looked at it as just information. It was a measurement of my worth for the day. It told me whether I was allowed to be happy that day…or if the results were bad, I had to hate myself and then punish myself by starving or…worse (believe me...you don't want to know the details of some of the things I've done to my body in the pursuit of thinness). Because of this fear, I used to not weigh myself for weeks. I wanted to weigh, but I also didn’t want to know. I struggled daily with the impulse…to weigh or not to weigh? And during those times when I wasn’t weighing myself, I was still focused on what the scale “probably” said. The fact is…whether I weighed or not, my weight was still the focus of my life.
This morning, while reading some folks' weight loss blogs, I realized that it’s been an amazing and freeing experience to not weigh myself. I think the difference this time has been because I’ve been told to NOT weigh myself FOR MY OWN GOOD. So apparently in my mind, it’s okay to not weigh and also to not think about it. (I've even stopped following some blogs that I realized were focusing in on the weight loss so much that it was a trigger for me...yes, I know, I seem to have LOTS of triggers...)
And so the impulse to "know" my weight has gradually subsided. Along with that, I’ve also noticed a quieting of the need to binge, and an increase in the desire and motivation to eat right and exercise. I’m not attributing all of this change to simply not weighing myself. I’m sure the therapy and the anti-depressants are helping with all these things. But as long as my medical doctor isn’t concerned about my weight (and she’s not..although she does say I need to lose about 10 lbs to be at an optimal weight for my age and height), and my clothes fit (or are getter looser, which they have been), I’m not going to worry about “that number” on the scale.
Whatever the reason(s), the change sure feels good. I guess only time will tell if it lasts. It’s still hard to imagine not ever weighing myself again. But for now, I’ll take the sense of peace that I’m feeling about this one issue.
I hope everyone has a happy and healthy day. Be good to yourselves!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Beautiful Saturday
This is just a quickie post to say hi and thanks for all the encouraging (and some just plain sweet) comments on my last post.
It’s an absolutely beautiful Saturday. The sun is shining and all the trees are in bloom…and the anti-depressants have been working their magic! (lol) I actually feel like what I imagine a “normal” person feels like.
So B & I are off to take the BIG WALK this morning. Hurray!
It’s an absolutely beautiful Saturday. The sun is shining and all the trees are in bloom…and the anti-depressants have been working their magic! (lol) I actually feel like what I imagine a “normal” person feels like.
So B & I are off to take the BIG WALK this morning. Hurray!
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
I want to stop being sad
Well, by now you’re probably getting tired of the “once-a-week after-therapy” post. It’s just that the experience is so intense that when it’s over, I still feel the need to continue to process it some more.
So, when I went in today, I SWORE I wasn’t going to cry. I’ve been feeling quite good with the antidepressants, and honestly believed there was nothing that was going to get to me today.
Ha.
Once again, about halfway through, I found myself on the verge of hysteria talking about something that had happened when I was a little girl…I started sobbing…I was overcome with sadness. Then I flashed on a post written by Lyn at Escape from Obesity about some dogs who had been subjected to an experiment in the 1960's. They were put in harnesses so they couldn't escape, and then they were given shocks. No matter how they struggled and cried, they had no control of what was happening to them. After a while, they just accepted the shocks. Even when they were able to get away later, they didn't. They had given up. I was relating this story to Dr D and all of a sudden, I just about came unglued. Imagining those poor dogs was almost more than I could bear. Then I realized... Those dogs were me! It was what I went through as a child. Back then, I think at some point, I just gave up and accepted that the physical and emotional abuse was a nightmare from which I couldn’t escape. It was my lot in life. Today, at that very moment, I felt so much despair...I imagined myself as one of those dogs and I almost got physically ill.
When things get too intense, Dr D always takes me away to a safe place in my mind, but today it has taken me a long time to recover. Honestly, I don’t think I have fully recovered yet. I'm still feeling very emotional right now.
I sure hope Dr D is right, that I will get better. Right now I don’t see any light, in fact in some ways I feel worse than before I started the therapy.
I should be happy. I have a wonderful life and hubby and job and my buddy B. I so want to be happy but sometimes the sadness and self-hatred is just overwhelming. I think I've always focused on the little bit of extra weight because I didn't want to feel the real pain. So I told myself I was unhappy because of my weight.
A person's weight shouldn't be the focus of unhappiness. Even a lot of extra weight shouldn't make you hate yourself. Yes, you can work on being more healthy, but please don't hate yourself because of what you weigh. No matter what you weigh, whether you are skinny or fat...unless you love your real self inside, no matter how skinny you get, you will have a miserable existence. Believe me...I know this from personal experience. Everyone...please love yourselves no matter what you weigh. Please...be happy.
So, when I went in today, I SWORE I wasn’t going to cry. I’ve been feeling quite good with the antidepressants, and honestly believed there was nothing that was going to get to me today.
Ha.
Once again, about halfway through, I found myself on the verge of hysteria talking about something that had happened when I was a little girl…I started sobbing…I was overcome with sadness. Then I flashed on a post written by Lyn at Escape from Obesity about some dogs who had been subjected to an experiment in the 1960's. They were put in harnesses so they couldn't escape, and then they were given shocks. No matter how they struggled and cried, they had no control of what was happening to them. After a while, they just accepted the shocks. Even when they were able to get away later, they didn't. They had given up. I was relating this story to Dr D and all of a sudden, I just about came unglued. Imagining those poor dogs was almost more than I could bear. Then I realized... Those dogs were me! It was what I went through as a child. Back then, I think at some point, I just gave up and accepted that the physical and emotional abuse was a nightmare from which I couldn’t escape. It was my lot in life. Today, at that very moment, I felt so much despair...I imagined myself as one of those dogs and I almost got physically ill.
When things get too intense, Dr D always takes me away to a safe place in my mind, but today it has taken me a long time to recover. Honestly, I don’t think I have fully recovered yet. I'm still feeling very emotional right now.
I sure hope Dr D is right, that I will get better. Right now I don’t see any light, in fact in some ways I feel worse than before I started the therapy.
I should be happy. I have a wonderful life and hubby and job and my buddy B. I so want to be happy but sometimes the sadness and self-hatred is just overwhelming. I think I've always focused on the little bit of extra weight because I didn't want to feel the real pain. So I told myself I was unhappy because of my weight.
A person's weight shouldn't be the focus of unhappiness. Even a lot of extra weight shouldn't make you hate yourself. Yes, you can work on being more healthy, but please don't hate yourself because of what you weigh. No matter what you weigh, whether you are skinny or fat...unless you love your real self inside, no matter how skinny you get, you will have a miserable existence. Believe me...I know this from personal experience. Everyone...please love yourselves no matter what you weigh. Please...be happy.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Hello out there
I haven’t posted for a few days, mostly because I have been feeling very sorry for myself and wanted to immerse myself in the misery (lol). The upcoming Easter family get-together had me on edge and feeling very crabby. Now that it’s over, I’m breathing a sigh of relief. Yet, as time marches on, there will always be another event, and another one, and another…So, I definitely need to get a handle on my reactions to these circumstances.
And today there is good news! After my post last Wednesday night, I did call my medical doctor on Thursday morning for an appointment. It usually takes a few days to get in, so I expected the usual. But when the receptionist asked about the nature of the visit, I told her I was depressed. "Depressed" must be a trigger word, because she set me up with an appointment that same day. (I’m only guessing, but maybe they are concerned about depressed people committing suicide? I’m not in any way suicidal, but they would have no way to know that.) In any event, I appreciated the tactful and immediate response to my request for an appointment.
My doctor was amazing. After my dad died a few years ago, I was so depressed that she put me on Wellbutrin and it had a very positive effect. At the time, she had suggested therapy as an adjunct to the Wellbutrin, but I pooh-poohed it. I told her I just needed a boost to get out of the doldrums. So back then I took the drug for a few months until I was feeling better and then quit on my own. Well, Thursday, I told her how I felt I was descending into the depths again, and needed help getting out. She asked me what was going on, and we talked for what seemed like a long time. I explained about being in therapy and finally understanding some things about my childhood, such as the PTSD and my mom possibly being borderline personality disorder. I got a bit teary eyed, and she asked a few more probing questions and made some statements which gave me the impression she might actually have first-hand experience of her own with this. Toward the end of the appointment, she got a bit teary eyed herself. As silly as this might sound, this made me realize that doctors are people too, with their own issues and stresses that may have been rooted in childhood! I’ve never felt such true empathy from a medical doctor before. She kept telling me that I was okay, that it was my mom who has the problem.
So I’ve started back on Wellbutrin and although it takes about a week to start getting the full benefit, I am already feeling the positive effects. I’m a lot more upbeat and have noticed a decrease in the desire/need to binge or even overeat. Yesterday, at Easter dinner, I ate normally and only had one serving of everything. When hubby offered me a second helping of potatoes, I declined without any feeling of deprivation. Now, I'm of Scots-Irish heritage and I’ve never met a potato I didn’t love (or want to eat mass quantities of). Hubby looked at me like… “Who the heck is this woman?” This was all the more significant since I usually overeat A LOT at these stressful gatherings.
I’m finally coming to the realization that I don’t need to do this all on my own, and that there is help out there. It could be through support groups, exercise, blogging, therapy, medication…a combination of all of the above…or literally anything else that you find helps you. The lesson I’m learning is you just need to pursue what works for you.
Forgive the long post, but I just wanted to share what’s going on. I have a super busy week at work, but I’ll try to keep you all posted on how I’m doing. Take care.
And today there is good news! After my post last Wednesday night, I did call my medical doctor on Thursday morning for an appointment. It usually takes a few days to get in, so I expected the usual. But when the receptionist asked about the nature of the visit, I told her I was depressed. "Depressed" must be a trigger word, because she set me up with an appointment that same day. (I’m only guessing, but maybe they are concerned about depressed people committing suicide? I’m not in any way suicidal, but they would have no way to know that.) In any event, I appreciated the tactful and immediate response to my request for an appointment.
My doctor was amazing. After my dad died a few years ago, I was so depressed that she put me on Wellbutrin and it had a very positive effect. At the time, she had suggested therapy as an adjunct to the Wellbutrin, but I pooh-poohed it. I told her I just needed a boost to get out of the doldrums. So back then I took the drug for a few months until I was feeling better and then quit on my own. Well, Thursday, I told her how I felt I was descending into the depths again, and needed help getting out. She asked me what was going on, and we talked for what seemed like a long time. I explained about being in therapy and finally understanding some things about my childhood, such as the PTSD and my mom possibly being borderline personality disorder. I got a bit teary eyed, and she asked a few more probing questions and made some statements which gave me the impression she might actually have first-hand experience of her own with this. Toward the end of the appointment, she got a bit teary eyed herself. As silly as this might sound, this made me realize that doctors are people too, with their own issues and stresses that may have been rooted in childhood! I’ve never felt such true empathy from a medical doctor before. She kept telling me that I was okay, that it was my mom who has the problem.
So I’ve started back on Wellbutrin and although it takes about a week to start getting the full benefit, I am already feeling the positive effects. I’m a lot more upbeat and have noticed a decrease in the desire/need to binge or even overeat. Yesterday, at Easter dinner, I ate normally and only had one serving of everything. When hubby offered me a second helping of potatoes, I declined without any feeling of deprivation. Now, I'm of Scots-Irish heritage and I’ve never met a potato I didn’t love (or want to eat mass quantities of). Hubby looked at me like… “Who the heck is this woman?” This was all the more significant since I usually overeat A LOT at these stressful gatherings.
I’m finally coming to the realization that I don’t need to do this all on my own, and that there is help out there. It could be through support groups, exercise, blogging, therapy, medication…a combination of all of the above…or literally anything else that you find helps you. The lesson I’m learning is you just need to pursue what works for you.
Forgive the long post, but I just wanted to share what’s going on. I have a super busy week at work, but I’ll try to keep you all posted on how I’m doing. Take care.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Better living through chemistry?
I’ve had a bad few last days. Since Sunday, I’ve felt depressed and had little energy to do anything. Yesterday, for the first time in several months, I felt a binge coming on and I didn’t resist it. I didn't even try. I was on my way home from work when I passed by a World Mart. I went into the store and walked around for a full ten minutes trying to decide what to buy. Not whether to buy anything…that had already been decided when I stopped specifically to buy something to eat. The question was “What?” What would fill the void? What did I want to stuff into my face? I didn’t even try to analyze why I wanted to binge.
I settled on a can of cookies, I don’t know if you have ever seen them, they are the rolled up sticks filled with frosting. I paid for them, and then went out to my car and ate at least 20, one after the other. I ended up eating about half the can.
Did I feel better afterwards? Yes, for about 5 minutes, then I started to get almost sick from the sugar. Nonetheless, I went home and ate dinner, acting with hubby like nothing was different or wrong.
Today, I was scared. What if I have another binge?
But…the odd thing is today I had trouble eating anything. I packed my lunch but ate almost none of it, and nothing else either.
I had a therapy appointment tonight and talked to Dr D. There are probably a couple of triggers going on:
1. Springtime is gardening time and I used to discuss planting strategies with my dad. He was an avid gardener and we used to have friendly competitions to see whose vegetables would grow bigger or more abundant. He passed away unexpectedly about 2-1/2 years ago. I miss him every day, but especially this time of year.
2. The last therapy session brought up a lot of sadness about missing my grandma.
3. Easter means a family get-together this Sunday, which is stressful. I never know what rude thing my mom is going to say or do, which can lead to fights or hurt feelings. Even if she doesn’t do anything off the wall, I’m always on guard.
I feel like I’m in a deep hole and I can’t climb out. I think it’s been coming on for a while, bit by bit. Maybe I’ve been in a low grade depression for a while, and it’s just gotten worse in the last two weeks. I’ve had to force myself to walk B on the weekends. These walks are normally something I look forward to, but I mostly did it for B this weekend, not for me. That was my first clue that I’ve crossed some kind of threshold to a place that’s really not very good.
The weird thing is a few days ago (last Thursday) I was feeling great! (Remember the “I’m so freakin’ happy” post?) It crossed my mind to wonder if I was manic depressive or bi-polar, but Dr D doesn’t think so. It was probably the momentary stress relief of not having to work for a few days and drinking wine and eating major carbs, which caused a temporary euphoria with a subsequent crash.
I found this information on a site about women’s health. It sure sounds like me:
Complex carbohydrates increase our levels of serotonin, so when we eat them, we feel better. When our serotonin levels are higher, we are happier. It’s that simple.
On a neurological level, ingested carbohydrates triggers the production of the hormone INSULIN, this inadvertently stimulates an INCREASE OF THE AMINO ACID, TRYPTOPHAN, in the UPTAKE PROCESS TO THE BRAIN. This is key because tryptophan acts as a precursor to the neurotransmitter serotonin and is readily converted into serotonin once it enters the brain.
So, a high consumption of carbohydrates works to increase our serotonin levels and this in turn improves our mood, appetite and our overall eating behavior. Hence, distressed individuals find temporary relief in the “SEROTONIN HIGH” that they get from ‘pigging out’ on carbohydrates. It makes them feel better.
This high is only temporary, so to maintain these feelings of happiness, people tend to reach for carbohydrates often and before long it become habitual.
So, I’ve probably trying to increase my serotonin levels in my own way. A few years ago, I was on Wellbutrin for a while, and it helped immensely. Dr D suggested I might try it again, as an adjunct to the therapy. Since for me it did help previously, it’s probably a good bet and would help level my moods out.
I think I'm going to call my medical doctor tomorrow and see about getting another prescription for Wellbutrin...All I know is I don’t want to keep going on like this.
I settled on a can of cookies, I don’t know if you have ever seen them, they are the rolled up sticks filled with frosting. I paid for them, and then went out to my car and ate at least 20, one after the other. I ended up eating about half the can.
Did I feel better afterwards? Yes, for about 5 minutes, then I started to get almost sick from the sugar. Nonetheless, I went home and ate dinner, acting with hubby like nothing was different or wrong.
Today, I was scared. What if I have another binge?
But…the odd thing is today I had trouble eating anything. I packed my lunch but ate almost none of it, and nothing else either.
I had a therapy appointment tonight and talked to Dr D. There are probably a couple of triggers going on:
1. Springtime is gardening time and I used to discuss planting strategies with my dad. He was an avid gardener and we used to have friendly competitions to see whose vegetables would grow bigger or more abundant. He passed away unexpectedly about 2-1/2 years ago. I miss him every day, but especially this time of year.
2. The last therapy session brought up a lot of sadness about missing my grandma.
3. Easter means a family get-together this Sunday, which is stressful. I never know what rude thing my mom is going to say or do, which can lead to fights or hurt feelings. Even if she doesn’t do anything off the wall, I’m always on guard.
I feel like I’m in a deep hole and I can’t climb out. I think it’s been coming on for a while, bit by bit. Maybe I’ve been in a low grade depression for a while, and it’s just gotten worse in the last two weeks. I’ve had to force myself to walk B on the weekends. These walks are normally something I look forward to, but I mostly did it for B this weekend, not for me. That was my first clue that I’ve crossed some kind of threshold to a place that’s really not very good.
The weird thing is a few days ago (last Thursday) I was feeling great! (Remember the “I’m so freakin’ happy” post?) It crossed my mind to wonder if I was manic depressive or bi-polar, but Dr D doesn’t think so. It was probably the momentary stress relief of not having to work for a few days and drinking wine and eating major carbs, which caused a temporary euphoria with a subsequent crash.
I found this information on a site about women’s health. It sure sounds like me:
Complex carbohydrates increase our levels of serotonin, so when we eat them, we feel better. When our serotonin levels are higher, we are happier. It’s that simple.
On a neurological level, ingested carbohydrates triggers the production of the hormone INSULIN, this inadvertently stimulates an INCREASE OF THE AMINO ACID, TRYPTOPHAN, in the UPTAKE PROCESS TO THE BRAIN. This is key because tryptophan acts as a precursor to the neurotransmitter serotonin and is readily converted into serotonin once it enters the brain.
So, a high consumption of carbohydrates works to increase our serotonin levels and this in turn improves our mood, appetite and our overall eating behavior. Hence, distressed individuals find temporary relief in the “SEROTONIN HIGH” that they get from ‘pigging out’ on carbohydrates. It makes them feel better.
This high is only temporary, so to maintain these feelings of happiness, people tend to reach for carbohydrates often and before long it become habitual.
So, I’ve probably trying to increase my serotonin levels in my own way. A few years ago, I was on Wellbutrin for a while, and it helped immensely. Dr D suggested I might try it again, as an adjunct to the therapy. Since for me it did help previously, it’s probably a good bet and would help level my moods out.
I think I'm going to call my medical doctor tomorrow and see about getting another prescription for Wellbutrin...All I know is I don’t want to keep going on like this.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Spring Fever?
I’ve been starving all day. All I’ve wanted is sugar and fat and salt, and if we had anything like that in the house, I’d be all over it right now. I have no idea why. I controlled it as best I could today, which wasn’t great. I didn’t feel like working out today either, so I didn’t. I don’t really even feel like posting, so I’ll keep this short. I’ll try to get back into it tomorrow.
Maybe I’m suffering from spring fever. If you are lucky enough to be having wonderful weather, like we are in Seattle, enjoy it while it lasts!
Maybe I’m suffering from spring fever. If you are lucky enough to be having wonderful weather, like we are in Seattle, enjoy it while it lasts!
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Otter vs. Beaver
We live on a lake and are surrounded by an abundance of wildlife. Eagles catch fish in the lake, raccoons fight at night, otters play on our dock, and Canadian geese poop on our lawn. Lately in our neighborhood, there has been talk of beavers. A neighbor a few houses down said that she had beavers building a home under her dock and to be careful as they tend to get a bit aggressive this time of year (mating season, I guess). They also will kill living trees so she told me to keep an eye on a little piney tree I have in my planter strip down by the beach.
When I took B out this morning to do his business, we walked down by the water’s edge. Another neighbor on the other side has a little wooden platform that spans out over the water a bit. The last few days, B has been very interested in sniffing around over there.
All of a sudden I heard a loud huffing sound and B went crazy. I think I said something like “Holy Crap!” Thank heavens B was on his leash, or he probably would have gotten in a fight with…whatever it was.
It swam out from under the platform around from the far side and came almost right up to the shore. Then it stuck its head out of the water and boldly looked at us. It was definitely bigger than B, and it seemed to have an attitude of “Hey, buddy, don’t mess with me!” Then it turned around and swam off under the water.
But it didn’t look like a beaver to me…more like an otter but I've never seen either up close. I dunno, do you think you'd be able to tell the difference between these two animals just by looking at its head? Whatever it was, I don't want to get up close and personal again. There are definitely instances where aggressive otters have attacked dogs.
So, that’s our bit of excitement for today already! It’s a beautiful day, sun is shining, so B and I will see what other trouble we can get into on our walk this morning.
Have a great day, everyone!
When I took B out this morning to do his business, we walked down by the water’s edge. Another neighbor on the other side has a little wooden platform that spans out over the water a bit. The last few days, B has been very interested in sniffing around over there.
All of a sudden I heard a loud huffing sound and B went crazy. I think I said something like “Holy Crap!” Thank heavens B was on his leash, or he probably would have gotten in a fight with…whatever it was.
It swam out from under the platform around from the far side and came almost right up to the shore. Then it stuck its head out of the water and boldly looked at us. It was definitely bigger than B, and it seemed to have an attitude of “Hey, buddy, don’t mess with me!” Then it turned around and swam off under the water.
But it didn’t look like a beaver to me…more like an otter but I've never seen either up close. I dunno, do you think you'd be able to tell the difference between these two animals just by looking at its head? Whatever it was, I don't want to get up close and personal again. There are definitely instances where aggressive otters have attacked dogs.
So, that’s our bit of excitement for today already! It’s a beautiful day, sun is shining, so B and I will see what other trouble we can get into on our walk this morning.
Have a great day, everyone!
Friday, April 3, 2009
At least I didn't hurl...
“At least I didn’t hurl.” I chuckled when I read this on A True Heart Girl’s blog post this morning. She hadn't been feeling well, yet she still worked out and almost threw up...but didn't. It struck me as a humorous way to describe the little victories we experience sometimes... sometimes it's a victory to just not throw up. Little did I know those words would come back to haunt me.
I felt just a bit rocky this morning after my evening of debauchery. Still, not too bad, considering the amount of wine I consumed last night. It was fairly nice outside…at least it wasn’t raining! So, I asked myself, what better way to get back on track than to go kick my own ass?
As I’ve mentioned previously, B and I love to take the Big Walk (which is a specific walk we take in a park that is a series of trails; it's about a 10 minute drive away from our house). Well, I decided we were going to take the Big Walk, with an extra length of trail added in at the very beginning. I’ve taken this extra piece once before loooong ago, and this morning I was reminded of why I haven’t done it again...
The extra length is straight uphill for 10 minutes. Yes, straight uphill…mountain goat uphill. And the trail was very slippery and squishy in spots from non-stop rain over the last 5 days. Being just a tiny bit compulsive (ha ha), I’m not one to stop along the way to catch my breath. So by the time we got to the top, I was this close to throwing up or passing out, I’m not sure which. At that moment, I remembered True Heart Girl’s words, but I sure wasn’t laughing anymore. Instead of blood coursing through my veins, I think it was pinot noir. And I knew we still had about another hour to go to finish what we had started. Thank God the opposite of “uphill at the beginning” is “downhill at the end.” After 1 hour and 15 minutes, we completed the mission and I was able to stumble back to the car on wobbly legs.
Today wasn’t probably the best day to do this walk, so I’m definitely going to try it again soon. I want see how much better I can do time-wise when I’m not suffering from a slight hangover.
But at least I did it today…and at least I didn’t hurl.
I felt just a bit rocky this morning after my evening of debauchery. Still, not too bad, considering the amount of wine I consumed last night. It was fairly nice outside…at least it wasn’t raining! So, I asked myself, what better way to get back on track than to go kick my own ass?
As I’ve mentioned previously, B and I love to take the Big Walk (which is a specific walk we take in a park that is a series of trails; it's about a 10 minute drive away from our house). Well, I decided we were going to take the Big Walk, with an extra length of trail added in at the very beginning. I’ve taken this extra piece once before loooong ago, and this morning I was reminded of why I haven’t done it again...
The extra length is straight uphill for 10 minutes. Yes, straight uphill…mountain goat uphill. And the trail was very slippery and squishy in spots from non-stop rain over the last 5 days. Being just a tiny bit compulsive (ha ha), I’m not one to stop along the way to catch my breath. So by the time we got to the top, I was this close to throwing up or passing out, I’m not sure which. At that moment, I remembered True Heart Girl’s words, but I sure wasn’t laughing anymore. Instead of blood coursing through my veins, I think it was pinot noir. And I knew we still had about another hour to go to finish what we had started. Thank God the opposite of “uphill at the beginning” is “downhill at the end.” After 1 hour and 15 minutes, we completed the mission and I was able to stumble back to the car on wobbly legs.
Today wasn’t probably the best day to do this walk, so I’m definitely going to try it again soon. I want see how much better I can do time-wise when I’m not suffering from a slight hangover.
But at least I did it today…and at least I didn’t hurl.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
I am...THE CARB QUEEN
Today was non-stop work but at lunch I was able to get over to Curves to work out. The place was empty so I really enjoyed it. I was able to spend a little extra time on each machine if I felt like it. The normal circuit is twice around the machines, but I did 3 times so it took about 45 minutes.
While I was there, occasionally other ladies drifted in and out and honestly, it seemed like they all worked out with not much determination or energy or enthusiasm (but I’m not judging because I don’t know what their situation or health was). Personally, I worked as hard as I could, so I was really sweating by the end of 3 times around. It was fun because I chatted with the lady who worked there the whole time as I went from machine to machine. As many people have said, your workout is what you personally make of it. So, for me it was fun and I felt as if I had accomplished a good workout.
And then…after work, hubby and I went to dinner with another couple. We went to a tapas/wine bar and it was great. Over the course of 3 hours, the four of us drank 3 bottles of pinot noir (currently, this is my favorite wine) and we shared appetizers which were bread with crab dip and French fries, then my entrée was….MAC & CHEESE! They used 4 cheeses, Gruyere, bleu, cheddar, and parmesan. OMG it was good!!!!!! but I did only eat about half (the rest I brought home). Yes, I am a total carb addict! Potatoes and pasta and bread plus wine…what more could you want?? You know what, I had fun and I don't regret it, which is unusual for me. I want to live my life and enjoy it and be with friends and eat wonderful food. It seems strange to say this but I really I did enjoy every aspect of the evening. I'm usually so guilt ridden whenever I eat anything I "shouldn't." But not tonight. I had a great time! So a few weeks ago, I was the Dog Whisperer; tonight I am the Carb Queen! I never realized that I have so many personalities!
Okay, so I need to go to bed, sleep it off and get back to business. Tomorrow it’s actually supposed to be nice (after 5 straight days of rain), so B and I will go for an excellent adventure (a BIG WALK). And this is another thing I really enjoy, walking with B. I'm actually just as happy thinking about that walk as I was eating all those carbs tonight. The bottom line is...I am freaking HAPPY right now!
Hmmmm...Is this progress? It feels like it. I hope so.
While I was there, occasionally other ladies drifted in and out and honestly, it seemed like they all worked out with not much determination or energy or enthusiasm (but I’m not judging because I don’t know what their situation or health was). Personally, I worked as hard as I could, so I was really sweating by the end of 3 times around. It was fun because I chatted with the lady who worked there the whole time as I went from machine to machine. As many people have said, your workout is what you personally make of it. So, for me it was fun and I felt as if I had accomplished a good workout.
And then…after work, hubby and I went to dinner with another couple. We went to a tapas/wine bar and it was great. Over the course of 3 hours, the four of us drank 3 bottles of pinot noir (currently, this is my favorite wine) and we shared appetizers which were bread with crab dip and French fries, then my entrée was….MAC & CHEESE! They used 4 cheeses, Gruyere, bleu, cheddar, and parmesan. OMG it was good!!!!!! but I did only eat about half (the rest I brought home). Yes, I am a total carb addict! Potatoes and pasta and bread plus wine…what more could you want?? You know what, I had fun and I don't regret it, which is unusual for me. I want to live my life and enjoy it and be with friends and eat wonderful food. It seems strange to say this but I really I did enjoy every aspect of the evening. I'm usually so guilt ridden whenever I eat anything I "shouldn't." But not tonight. I had a great time! So a few weeks ago, I was the Dog Whisperer; tonight I am the Carb Queen! I never realized that I have so many personalities!
Okay, so I need to go to bed, sleep it off and get back to business. Tomorrow it’s actually supposed to be nice (after 5 straight days of rain), so B and I will go for an excellent adventure (a BIG WALK). And this is another thing I really enjoy, walking with B. I'm actually just as happy thinking about that walk as I was eating all those carbs tonight. The bottom line is...I am freaking HAPPY right now!
Hmmmm...Is this progress? It feels like it. I hope so.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
I miss my grandma
I was going to describe my Curves experience today (which was good), but something else has come up that I wanted to focus on while I’m in the moment…
I’m honestly not sure what to think about this therapy stuff. I seem to be all over the board with what comes into my head and out of my mouth. I’m not really sure I want to go down some of these tangential roads…but it’s kind of like being on a roller coaster. Once you start, I guess you almost have to stay on until the ride stops.
So, during today’s session, out of the blue I started weeping about missing my grandma…who died unexpectedly of a heart attack in 1972. She lived with us while I was growing up, and she was so good to me. I loved her so much. But come on, folks, it’s been 37 years since she died!! But I spent over half the session talking about her and crying. I cried all the way home in the car, too, tears streaming down my face, and I’m totally drained right now.
Dr D thinks my grandma was essentially my substitute mother, because I couldn’t trust my real mother. Grandma was my safe haven. And she always made sure I had candy and cookies (when Mom wasn’t looking, of course, because I wasn’t supposed to be eating those things). There was a lot more to it, but that's the essence.
The weird thing is, after all these years, I still dream about Grandma. Except instead of dreaming about us being together, it’s more like I’m searching for her. I run into our house, and I go from room to room, but she’s not there and I'm devastated. Gad! Even typing this makes me tear up again.
This is all a bit too deep for me. I started therapy because I just want to stop being obsessed with my weight and hating my body. I’m a results oriented person, so I want to be “fixed” right now, without going through all the time and messy emotional crap (and to be honest…the expense) that appears to be necessary to get those so-called results.
Anybody know of a Jack in the Box where you can get your soul fixed at the drive through?
I’m honestly not sure what to think about this therapy stuff. I seem to be all over the board with what comes into my head and out of my mouth. I’m not really sure I want to go down some of these tangential roads…but it’s kind of like being on a roller coaster. Once you start, I guess you almost have to stay on until the ride stops.
So, during today’s session, out of the blue I started weeping about missing my grandma…who died unexpectedly of a heart attack in 1972. She lived with us while I was growing up, and she was so good to me. I loved her so much. But come on, folks, it’s been 37 years since she died!! But I spent over half the session talking about her and crying. I cried all the way home in the car, too, tears streaming down my face, and I’m totally drained right now.
Dr D thinks my grandma was essentially my substitute mother, because I couldn’t trust my real mother. Grandma was my safe haven. And she always made sure I had candy and cookies (when Mom wasn’t looking, of course, because I wasn’t supposed to be eating those things). There was a lot more to it, but that's the essence.
The weird thing is, after all these years, I still dream about Grandma. Except instead of dreaming about us being together, it’s more like I’m searching for her. I run into our house, and I go from room to room, but she’s not there and I'm devastated. Gad! Even typing this makes me tear up again.
This is all a bit too deep for me. I started therapy because I just want to stop being obsessed with my weight and hating my body. I’m a results oriented person, so I want to be “fixed” right now, without going through all the time and messy emotional crap (and to be honest…the expense) that appears to be necessary to get those so-called results.
Anybody know of a Jack in the Box where you can get your soul fixed at the drive through?
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