I was going to describe my Curves experience today (which was good), but something else has come up that I wanted to focus on while I’m in the moment…
I’m honestly not sure what to think about this therapy stuff. I seem to be all over the board with what comes into my head and out of my mouth. I’m not really sure I want to go down some of these tangential roads…but it’s kind of like being on a roller coaster. Once you start, I guess you almost have to stay on until the ride stops.
So, during today’s session, out of the blue I started weeping about missing my grandma…who died unexpectedly of a heart attack in 1972. She lived with us while I was growing up, and she was so good to me. I loved her so much. But come on, folks, it’s been 37 years since she died!! But I spent over half the session talking about her and crying. I cried all the way home in the car, too, tears streaming down my face, and I’m totally drained right now.
Dr D thinks my grandma was essentially my substitute mother, because I couldn’t trust my real mother. Grandma was my safe haven. And she always made sure I had candy and cookies (when Mom wasn’t looking, of course, because I wasn’t supposed to be eating those things). There was a lot more to it, but that's the essence.
The weird thing is, after all these years, I still dream about Grandma. Except instead of dreaming about us being together, it’s more like I’m searching for her. I run into our house, and I go from room to room, but she’s not there and I'm devastated. Gad! Even typing this makes me tear up again.
This is all a bit too deep for me. I started therapy because I just want to stop being obsessed with my weight and hating my body. I’m a results oriented person, so I want to be “fixed” right now, without going through all the time and messy emotional crap (and to be honest…the expense) that appears to be necessary to get those so-called results.
Anybody know of a Jack in the Box where you can get your soul fixed at the drive through?
oh that final sentence is beyond powerful.
ReplyDeleteIMO, for what it's worth, it's amazing that you are willing to sit with your feeling.s
to FEEL THEM and not to immediately try and numb away.
MizFit
Sometimes I think it's a good thing to go back and get an adult perspective on our childhood feelings. It can bring a good deal of insight, and in some cases, peace.
ReplyDeleteI wish you well.
Roxie
It completely makes sense to me that you'd be missing your grandma right now. Revisiting childhood issues brings back the important role models and then considering the difficulties with your mother. It is good that you're able to remember the good of your grandmother since it helps offset the negative of your mother.
ReplyDeleteNot sure if what I'm trying to say is making sense. Short and long of it all - I'm sending you great big hugs!
Nothing worthwhile can be rushed. But just as you made the decision to start, you can always make the decision to stop. Remember that.
ReplyDeleteI grew up living with my Nanny, who passed away 5 years ago. When I saw the title of your post, I actually got a knot in my stomach because Tuesday, driving back from dropping my daughter at school I found myself really, really missing my grandmother. Your post breaks my heart though, because while you dream about your grandmother....man even typing this is hard...when my grandmother died, I remember actually thinking that I would at least have her in my dreams....and I haven't dreamt about her since. It leaves such a huge hole. I can understand that even now for you it still hurts....
ReplyDelete