Practicing Nano

As I was walking B in the park today and listening to my iPod, it occurred to me that I could take a video of him.

Pardon the finger over the lens at the end...I'm still learning. And it appears it would be better to video everything in landscape, rather than portrait, mode.

P.S. I sound like a bit of geek...that's not my normal voice, it's my "baby talk" voice that I use just for B. :)

4th Friday in a row...

Four Fridays in a row, I've weighed the same! No loss, no gain. Some people might be discouraged or sad about that, but I'm actually very happy. I don't think I've ever stayed very long at this low a weight. Usually once I get anywhere near where I am now, I gain back 10-15 pounds almost right away. It's usually because I got there by starving myself, or restricting (or worse) and then going berserk with carbs and fat when I finally caved. I may just stay here for a while…although I had intended to lose a few more pounds, I'm not really very driven right now to do so.

I'm comfortable with how and what I'm eating, not bingeing or feeling deprived. I have my occasional treats, which I think I enjoy all the more because they are just that…occasional. They are not "bad" and they are not the triggers they used to be. I can have one serving of whatever it is, and that's enough. It's a weird feeling, a different thought process. Food seems to have lost a lot of its emotional power.

We watched Inglourious Basterds on pay-per-view last night. I loved Pulp Fiction, another QT movie, so I figured I might like this one too. A bunch of my friends had recommended it, and one of the actors won Best Supporting Actor at the Oscars this year. I was a little put off by the graphic violence, but that's QT for you; and overall, it was a great movie. The Oscar winner, Christoph Waltz, definitely deserved the award for his performance as a Nazi "Jew Hunter." A truly sinister character. And I thought Brad Pitt as Aldo Raine was pretty good too.

I got a new red iPod Nano a few weeks ago. She's so pretty! I have just started learning about and using some of the features, including the pedometer function. After I took B for his jaunt in the park today, I went on a solo walk that ended up being 6,800 steps. I'm not sure exactly how many miles that is…it took me slightly less than an hour to walk it, and I'm a pretty fast walker so I'm guessing it was a little over 3 miles.

Since I've stopped going on long walks with B, I've forgotten how much I always enjoyed a good fast walk. I'm a bit lonely without him, but to be honest, it is kind of nice to go at my own pace and not have to stop every 2 minutes so he can check his pee-mail.

I hope everyone is having beautiful weather wherever you are...and that you are able to get out and enjoy it!

Back to Normal Life

It feels really good to have those wild animals gone, that's a large part of our household getting back to normal. I know B is super glad they are gone, too! Even though our living room area rug needs to be repaired (update...just got an estimate of $480 to fix the rip...f***ing dogs!) and I need to get a new pair of sloggers (garden shoes), I'm content.

It was a really beautiful weekend. I took B to the park on Saturday and then I went by myself for an hour long power walk. I haven't been walking much outside since we discovered B has elbow dysplasia. Mostly I've been walking on the treadmill. So this was really the first power walk I've taken in a long time…and it felt kind of lonely. But still, it was a lovely day, all the trees and daffodils are in bloom, and it felt good to do a "real" walk. Of course, B was waiting at the front door when I got back, as if to say "Where have you been??? Were you walking without me?"

I was a bit crazy food-wise this weekend. I say that, but when I really think about what "crazy" means to me now, it only means that I overate a bit when we went out to eat, and I had a few treats I usually would not have allowed myself. And I am still working on the idea of eating normally, that there are no good foods or bad foods. There should only be "eat when you are hungry and stop when you aren't." That's what normal people do. And I do feel like I'm getting better, bit by bit.

I also think I'm getting more normal, because In spite of not eating "perfectly" this weekend, I feel no desire to continue to binge or overeat carbs. This just proves to me that so much of my past disordered eating was my way of handling emotional pain and self-hatred. Now that I'm dealing with those emotions in a positive way, through therapy and not playing games (as I mentioned in my last post), my eating and general reaction to food is much more normal.

When we went out to dinner this Saturday, I wore a funky pair of cargo pants that I got for $8 on the clearance rack at Banana Republic (did I mention I'm a sucker for a bargain?) I was a little self-conscious, because they are not something I would normally wear. Mostly because I think they are kind of young for me, but I couldn't pass up them up. Hub said "I like those pants, you look really cute!" Surprised me, because he normally never notices anything I'm wearing...but also made my day. Maybe I'm not too old to still be kind of cute!

I hope everyone is having a good Monday…I know I am!

The Game My Mom Plays

This week has been very eye opening. My mom got out of the hospital late Tuesday, and I decided to give her a couple of days to recover before returning her dogs. I had Friday off, so we had planned on my taking them back on Friday.

She called me Thursday night, and here's how the conversation went:

Mom (in a really pathetic tone of voice): Do you think you could keep the dogs a few more days?
Me (freaking out in my mind…I can't take another few days with those crazy beasts! But in a calm voice): Why, what's wrong?
Mom: I'm still so weak.
Me: Why are you still so weak?
Mom: Because I can't eat anything
Me: What do you mean? Did the doctor say you aren't supposed to eat?
Mom: No, he said I could eat whatever I want.
Me: Does your stomach still hurt?
Mom: No, it feels okay, it's just that nothing sounds good, so I don't feel like eating.
Me: So it's not that you can't eat anything, it's that you don't want to?
Mom: Well, maybe. I've lost 8 lbs.
(The fact that she had to throw in that last part was a clue that she knows exactly what she is doing.)
Me: Do you want to go back into the hospital?
Mom: No, I hate it there.
Me: Mom, if you don't eat, you will die. So eat. I'm sorry that you are still weak because you are not eating, but you can fix this. There's no reason anymore that you can't eat, so you need to eat. And I think you need to have the dogs back so that you have something to do besides think about your troubles.
Mom: Okay, I guess you are right.

Anyway, the dogs did go back yesterday. She seems to have thought about what I said, because she was actually eating some oatmeal when I got to her house. And I do think having the dogs back will give her some motivation to get better.

I'll admit, that conversation did make me feel a bit guilty, but also kind of proud of myself that I didn't play the game. It's a game my mom has played since I can remember.

My mother is 80 years old, and she still thinks she is fat, even though she is 5'4 and weighed 130 lbs when she first went into the hospital. If she did lose 8 lbs in the last week, then that means she now weighs 122.

When I was young, she would periodically starve herself, to the point of making herself ill. Then it was always expected that everyone (my dad, brother and me) would take care of her.

I think this recent hospitalization really played into her anorexia. They didn't let her eat for 2 days (to let her bowel rest), and the fact is I think she enjoys not eating, especially when it's doctor prescribed. So it's not surprising that once she got into that "mode" that she would continue to starve herself. And since my dad is gone, and my brother isn't around, it falls to me to take care of her.

But this time, I didn't enable her, or sympathize with her. I think she was shocked, because that is what she was expecting. That's what I've always done for her before. No more.

If she is really sick (through no fault of her own), I'm there for her. I have always been there for her. But if she's doing it to herself, I won't be there. I can't be there and maintain my own mental health. My own eating disorder is still lurking close to the surface, and I don't want to get dragged down into it again.

It would be easy to succumb to old habits, but the fact is, I really don't want to play the game.

So I will refuse to play the game. And I think Mom and I will both be better for it.

F***ING DOGS

Wild
underfoot...
(ALWAYS underfoot)
area-rug-wrecking
goose-poop-eating...
(then vomiting)
shoe-destroying
retainer-chewing
bark-bark-barking
fucking
dogs.

These dogs are insane.

No doubt a reflection of my mother's state of mind...

I know it's not the dogs' fault.

So I take deep breaths.

I just need to keep it together until Friday morning.

That's when they are going home.

I can do it.

...at least I hope I can.

Crazy week...but it's okay

My mom is in the hospital with a bowel obstruction. She called me at 2 a.m. on Saturday morning with a terrible stomach ache. Mom lives about an hour and 20 minutes away from hub and me. So I told her to call 911, and the paramedics came and took her to the hospital. I spent all Saturday dealing with the doctors and hospital staff. She is going to be okay, but she probably won't be going home until Wednesday or Thursday.

In the meantime, hub and I are babysitting her 2 neurotic dogs. Buster does not like these dogs. They are always trying to kiss him, and want him to play. He is above it all, of course.

One of the dogs is really a puppy and still in that destructive stage. Fortunately so far she has only destroyed doggy toys. I came home today and there were toys everywhere, as well as toy animal stuffing strewn throughout the whole upstairs.

In spite of it all, I really feel like I'm doing well physically, but even more important…mentally and emotionally I'm feeling great. Even with all the stress of this last week, I haven't felt the need to eat compulsively. I've been feeling happy and in control, and able to see the humor in everything with my mom and the dogs.

I'll be going back for some more trial time later this week. The Prosecution rests tomorrow, and the Defense starts later this week. I want to be there for the Defense's first "expert" (i.e. paid) rebuttal witness. Let me just say this...it disgusts me what some people will do for money. How does someone like that sleep at night? Ugh.

On a positive note, my almost-new size 12 Vera Wang jeans are getting loose. So being the cheapskate that I am, I bought an almost new pair of SIZE 10 Gap jeans on eBay for $10. I just got them today and they fit perfectly! Wow. Size 10. I never thought I would see the day. And I don't feel like I'm going to immediately start gaining back what I've lost. I may actually be able to wear these jeans for a while!

Decision

I've decided I'm going to lose 3 more pounds, VERY SLOWLY. However long it takes.

And then I'll stay there for at least 6 months, see how I feel, and then re-evaluate.

I've never before tried to stay at any particular weight.

This should be interesting.

My Holy Grail

Holy Grail: def. "A distant, all-but-unobtainable ultimate goal; a difficult or near-impossible goal that would prove to be a major benefit"

I have a habit of keeping "sentimental" clothes. These are clothes, even though now out of style, remind me of special times or events in my life.

One of those sentimental items is a pair of Cambio jeans. I think the last time I wore them was around 1998. There is no tag inside, so I'm not sure what size they are. Either a 10 or 12.

I have kept these jeans in a box in my downstairs closet for 12 years. I remember wearing them while hub and I were in San Francisco to celebrate my 45th birthday…one of the best times of my life.

I absolutely loved everything about these jeans…the style, the material, the color, and the fact that they were "expensive" (I was used to wearing $30 Levis). But especially I remember that I loved them because I had lost a lot of weight, and they were evidence of that. These were my "skinny" jeans…it was the way I felt at the time. I remember feeling so skinny.

I don't think I ever wore those jeans again after that trip to San Francisco. I'm sure I immediately gained enough weight that they were too tight and uncomfortable. But I kept them as a reminder of how I felt at that weight (exactly what number was, I don't remember). I would try them on every few years after losing some weight, but they were always still too small...and then I'd gain back whatever weight I'd lost.

For years, these jeans have been my "Holy Grail."

This morning, I dug those jeans out of the bottom of that box in the closet. I thought, I just wonder how close I am to being able to wear these again. They looked so small, I thought, no way. At first I was going to just put them away again, but I decided, what the heck, I'll try them on.

I put them on…and zipped them up. And they fit perfectly.

Of course, that made me happy.

Oh, fuck, who am I kidding...I was ECSTATIC!!!

But it also made me wonder…when do I stop? How do I know if this is the weight I should stay at? Or should I lose another few pounds? My current BMI of 24.2 is in the "normal" range. But it's on the high side of normal...normal is considered to be between 18.5-24.9. Should I strive to get it more into the middle (say 22)? Or is it okay to be high normal?

Since the age of 14, I've never "not" been trying to lose weight. I've never "not" been ON a diet unless it was when I was OFF my diet...which of course meant binge eating and quickly gaining weight. I've never been on "maintenance." The concept is totally foreign to me. I know this comes from growing up with a mother whose mantra was that you could never be too thin. I don't know how to get past the feeling that I should still be losing weight.

I've never been normal. I don't know how to eat normally. I don't know how to stop thinking I need to lose weight, or to stop trying to lose weight, or to stop obsessing about it.

I think I need a new "Holy Grail"…

Normal.

Such a small, nice word. But so difficult to achieve.

Does anyone have any advice on how to finally accept yourself as "normal" and to stop trying to be "perfect"?

My week so far

I've got it...

…the crud, that is.

Thanks a lot, hub...

I've been increasingly sick since Sunday night, and haven't been to work this week and won't be going in tomorrow either.

I have been sitting on my butt, watching TV, sleeping, coughing, blowing my nose. Now I have a stomach thing going on. I feel like crap. Yuck. Total yuck.

I'll be back when I'm feeling better and have something to say that's not whiny.