Happy New Year's Eve Day

I woke up this morning to a gorgeous sunrise and fog on the lake. I kept telling myself to get up and take a picture, but my bed felt so cozy. Buster finally convinced me to get up, but by then it was too late for a picture. There is still snow on the ground from a few days ago, and it's really cold outside…21 degrees right now at 9 a.m. Which I know is nothing for some of you but is really cold for us (weather-wimps) in the Seattle area.

Today will be a quiet day, I'll work out and take B to the park (I sure hope it warms up a little). Tonight we're going to a New Year's Eve party at the VFW (hub is a member and I'm in the auxiliary). We're taking 2 other couples, so it should be fun. Of course, I spent yesterday trying to figure out what to wear. That is really what precipitated yesterday's post. The body dysmorphic (BD) part of my brain is telling me that I'm too fat to even go out the door, but I've been somewhat successful in telling it to shut up. I know that whatever I wear, once I get there, I'll have a good time, and no one will be judging me. (I guess all that expensive therapy has been good for something...but to be honest, BD had to bring up the fact that all I've spent on therapy might have been better spent for liposuction... ha ha.)

So, I'm just finishing my coffee. Time to get up and do something. I'll see you all tomorrow. Have a safe and happy New Year's Eve!

December 32

This is another extra-long weekend, which I was really looking forward to. Well, I still am, except I'm a bit disappointed with myself that I seem to have pissed away the first day already. I had so many things on my list to accomplish. But I just felt lazy. I did take B to the park, straightened up my closet a bit, and did some laundry, but that's about it. Not much to show for a whole day.

I have gained a little weight...honestly, it's really not much...about 5 lbs...since this summer. That's when I was feeling really good and at my lowest weight. I was eating right and working out a lot. If I was too busy for a long workout, I'd at least make time to go to Curves. Overall, food hasn't been too bad, but the difference is I haven't been doing much cardio since early October. Again, I'm not motivated. This has manifested itself in an ever expanding muffin top. I'm definitely more flabby, especially around the middle, than I was just a few months ago. It's funny how quickly that stuff creeps up on you.

Still, I'm not upset, which is progress. I'm not angry at myself. As I said, I'm just disappointed. I'd honestly rather sit on my butt and play on my laptop or watch TV than get up and do something productive or physical. It's easier. In a way, I've been giving myself permission. I tell myself I work hard, I have a right to be a bit lazy when I have the time off. But I don't like the consequences. I keep telling myself…Next year, January 1. I'll start to get back on track.

But why do I do this every year? You would think I'd learn. I always justify it that I'm still 10 lbs lighter than where I was 2 years ago at this time. But I'm also not where I'd like to be...I'd like to weigh about 10 lbs less than I do now. So...why can't I just "get there" and "stay there"?

SO…here we are. December 31. There is no December 32, so that means January 1, 2011 is...almost HERE. I'm not waiting until Monday, January 3, to do something. For that matter, who says I can't do "something" tomorrow? So I think I will.

I don't know what that "something" is yet, but I'll let you know.

Christmas was Wonderful!

This year, Christmas was overall a good experience. That’s not always the case, so I am very grateful.

On Christmas Eve, I ushered at the 3 p.m. Mass, which was preceded by a children’s pageant. We went with our friends, and I knew from experience that we needed to get there at least an hour early so they could get a seat. Well, let me say that to call the scene when we got there a “madhouse” would be an understatement. Hub and our friends literally got the last 3 open seats. (This was good, because Hub has a bad knee and no way could he have stood for 2 hours.) I was the first usher to arrive, and was immediately approached by Father Tom, who had a deer in the headlights look. He gave me a hug and said, “Thank you so much for serving!! This is always the busiest Mass.” I immediately went about getting out the baskets for the collection, and then the head usher showed up. It turned out that he and I were the only ones who had actually signed up.

A contingent of ushers for a "normal" service is 4, but for a service with this many people in attendance, we needed at least 8. We were fortunate that several folks came up and asked if they could help, so after a bit of quick instruction to them, we had enough help to manage the collection and communion. By 2:30, the church was absolutely packed, with standing room only. My main concern was trying to find open seats for older people. By asking people to squeeze together, I was able to find a few single seats.

About this time, I was stopped by a lady sitting in a chair along the wall near the very back of the church. 
“Those people are blocking my view of the altar. Would you make them move?” she asked with a very sour look on her face. Incredulous, I looked around at the mob of people and asked, “Where would you have me put them, ma’am?” “Well, I got here an hour early to get a seat, and now all these people are standing in front of me.” “Sorry, I can’t do anything for you,” I said. Then I started to walk away, but I then went back and said, “Just be grateful you have a seat.”

The rest of the service went fairly well, and several people came up afterwards and thanked me for ushering. I guess they understood what a challenge it had been, and I will admit to feeling a sense of accomplishment that we got through it without too many hiccups.

After church, the 4 of us went to Chinooks in Seattle for dinner. I was pretty wound up, but after 2 glasses of wine, and a delicious meal, I felt much better. But I still couldn’t believe that lady was so rude and unpleasant. I’m not sure in the context of “goodwill toward men” that I should have gotten pissed at her, but it just struck me as so ridiculous that she was mad about people without seats standing in front of her.

Christmas Day was actually very nice. My mom was very well behaved, and the day passed with no arguments or tantrums by my mom. Whenever we have these family get togethers, I’m always expecting something bad to happen. So I have been working with Dr D on “staying in the moment” and not worrying about what “might” happen. I sometimes wonder if Mom is more well behaved now because I’ve changed the way I react to her antics? Or was I just lucky that she behaved herself?

So, today will just be a relaxing day. It's rainy and very windy outside, but so cozy here inside with B on the couch with me. As I type this post, I am looking at my beautiful Christmas tree, which is decorated with all the special ornaments I've collected over the years. I am feeling such a sense of peace.

I hope you all enjoyed your Christmas as much as I did and that you are looking forward to the New Year!

I have to get this off my chest...

I was going to wait until next year to post this, as I didn't want to taint the holiday season. But this has come to a head for me emotionally, and I felt compelled to write and post this today:

There is a blogger I ran across by accident a few months ago. It was a case of mistaken identity on his part…without even paying attention to the facts, he assumed I was another "Grace" that he was having a feud with. He left a somewhat snide comment directed at me on another blogger's post. As a result, I checked out his blog, and then I emailed him and told him I was not the "Grace" he was angry with and that I really didn't want to be involved in the drama that was his blog. To his credit, he acknowledged my correction, but...

...then my curiosity was piqued. I checked out his blog and immediately saw some strange things...

This guy is constantly calling out other weight loss bloggers on their "stupid ass" approach to weight loss. He makes fun of them in a very mean way. He spends a lot of energy responding at length, unsolicited, to ideas they may have simply ruminated about on their own blogs. By my count, since October, he has alienated at least 6 other bloggers. He talks about all the "hate mail" and "hateful comments" and just general "hate" that he gets from all the "haters" out there because of his opinions and posts and weight loss approach. It apparently doesn't occur to him that "hate" goes both ways. Hate begets Hate. It's interesting that he also recently refused an invitation to a family party because everyone else in his family is stupid or makes him mad. So his family apparently are all haters too.

But…all his faithful follower friends praise him, telling him he is so "honest" and "funny"…they love when he cuts others "down to size." I personally do not see much that is humorous about his posts. From what I can see, he makes frequent use of crude language ("shit" is a very popular term he uses to describe what other people say on their blogs). Occasionally someone will try to point out that the person he says "hates" him doesn't really. But that doesn't seem to slow him down...he's on a tear and everyone else is stupid or crazy.

I know why I started reading…it was by accident, then out of curiosity (I have been following him anonymously, mostly because I didn't want to possibly be exposed to his wrath by being a follower of someone he ended up disagreeing with). But now I don't know why I still read his blog. I think I'm reading it for the drama.

The sad thing is, he does have some good weight loss ideas, he's been personally very successful in his endeavor, and he is very serious about it. But sometimes people just need to do their own thing and have different ideas on what we all know is a very complicated weight loss process. Different things work for different people. But instead of responding with positive advice or even tactfully negative advice, he uses his cutting humor to slash and hurt. He starts making fun of people in what I think is a very abusive, bullying manner. (Yes, because of my personal history, I'm probably extra sensitive to anything that might be described as "abusive.") But all the so-called "hate" he gets back is everyone else's fault. He is the king of excellent ideas and no one better cross him.

As I said, I was going to wait until after the New Year to post this. But the negativity seems to be spreading NOW, so I didn't feel like I could wait. Just today, one of this fellow's followers called another blogger "a crazy bitch" because the blogger that this fellow "called out" responded to a comment that one of his followers made. Why are people so overly sensitive and quick to anger? (It almost feels like "road rage on the information super highway.") It's too complicated for me to follow exactly what happened, who is mad at who, and why...(and the bottom line is the details don't really matter)...but these angry people scare me.

I know I don't have many followers, so this won't reach many folks. I'm just a very tiny fish in a huge blogging sea. But I have found I need to keep my blog and comments positive, and yes, NICE. Whatever your opinions on how to lose weight (this gentleman seems to have a particular disdain for so-called "lap-banders"), we are all human beings who don't deserve to be ridiculed and put down for differing opinions. Live your life, tell us about what you are doing, lose weight (or NOT)...whatever you need to do to keep your sanity…it's your business.

We all deserve respect. Even those we disagree with.

PEACE on EARTH...Please.

Thanks for reading.

"KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON"

Words to live by

My mom’s birthday was Tuesday, so Monday morning, I drove down to her house in Tacoma to put up her tree and help her with some other chores. Then we drove that evening to Seattle to see the closing night of the Seattle Men’s Chorus* production called Holiday GLEE (which was so amazing.) I spent the night at her house, and then took her shopping Tuesday morning.

Spending a lot of time with my mom is always stressful. She has a low tolerance for frustration, and she is getting a bit dotty to boot. So she’ll ask me to help her with something, but if I don’t do it just exactly the way she would do it, look out! She stands right there, watching me and trying to tell me how to do it, which is very nerve wracking. Usually it's nothing too complicated, but she has to be the one in charge. Then, one minute she tells me that she loves and appreciates me so much, then the next minute she’s nasty to me or says demeaning things. She also has a habit of sighing heavily, as if to say “What did I ever do to deserve this burden?”

It’s hard to explain, but Mom really pushes my buttons. I want her to feel loved, but at the same time, I fear for my own sanity when I’m around her too much. So I have to find that perfect balance of daughterly devotion and emotional self-preservation. Originally I had told her I would spend all Tuesday with her. So I lied...yes, I LIED to my MOTHER...and told her something had come up and I needed to go to work yesterday afternoon. It was either that or have a meltdown. At least she does understand that my and my husband’s "positive employment status" (i.e. we both are lucky to have good jobs) keeps her in the style to which she has become accustomed (we help her a lot with her bills and home maintenance), so she begrudgingly accepted my leaving earlier than originally planned.

Now I just need to get through Christmas Day. It’s always a walking-on-eggshells kind of day, especially since my hub does not like my mom (partly because he knows a lot about my childhood and partly because my mom is just downright rude sometimes) and he has never been one to shy away from conflict. I'm always on "high alert" during these holidays (which Dr D says is really not good for me or my mental health). I have asked my whole family repeatedly that we not discuss politics at family gatherings…suffice it to say that there are many differing opinions on many subjects. My hub and my brother and his family all abide by the request, but my mom for some reason feels the need to make snide comments which I know (and I know she knows) will start a fight. I think my mom would like me to take her side against my hub, which is just plain STUPID...because Hub and I have the same political views.

But...there is a silver lining!
Surprisingly, I’m not eating over any of the stress. In fact, I haven’t even been thinking about food in spite of all the treats everywhere I go and the parties we've been to. I have decided not to worry about my weight until the New Year. I can tell from my clothes fitting more comfortably that I have lost at least some of the vacation weight since I got home. I don’t know how much but I’m not going to even look at the scale. If it’s not “enough” (meaning...if I haven’t lost ALL of it) it would make me crazy and I don’t need to be any more crazy than I already am right now...lol. At least if I am comfortable and not gaining weight, I don’t really need to know the exact number.

I am looking forward to tomorrow (no work), Christmas Eve, and the day after Christmas. Hub has his office party tomorrow at lunch; we're going to a Korean barbecue place. On Christmas Eve, I’m ushering at the 3 p.m. Mass, and then we are going out to dinner with some friends. Sunday, I've got NOTHING planned, except to recover from Christmas. Then next week is another short week, and the New Year’s holiday is always stress-free and fun....No family gatherings!...Yay!

Anyway, that's it for now. I should be able to find some time to post again before Christmas, but just in case I don't...I wish you all a wonderful holiday!

*The production is obviously geared towards GLBT. It was just fabulous, the talent was unbelievable, and both my mom and I loved it. After the show in the lobby, I was chatting with one of the singers and asked what probably sounds like an un-PC question...is there a "requirement" to be gay to be in the chorus? He said no, but 98 percent of the chorus IS gay.

My Welcome Home

Our flight home was uneventful, except for the fussy little boy who sat next to us and kicked and cried and screamed during the whole 5-1/2 hour flight. My husband was a little annoyed about it, but to be honest, all I could think of was…wow, am I glad that kid is not mine! The parents were frantically trying to get him to calm down the whole time…I actually felt bad for them. So rather than get annoyed, I just plugged in my Nano and listened to music, and also watched Eat Pray Love with Julia Roberts on the digiplayer.

Hub and I spent Sunday getting settled. When I picked up B, he was glad to see me, but probably not as much as I was to see him. I think he enjoyed his 3 weeks at Auntie Pam's. He absolutely loves her, and she spoils him rotten. He also gets along really well with Olive and Kermit. They spend a lot of time chasing each other and the cats, and barking at squirrels in the back yard. I feel so fortunate to have met Pam, because I can't think of anything worse than worrying that my dog is pining away for me. (Of course, it works both ways...we'll be watching Kermit & Olive for a few weeks in February.) I do think Buster is glad to be back home as an "only dog" and I'm glad to have him with me. When I woke up last night, I was comforted by the fact that he was crowding me out of the bed, as usual. *smile*

So this morning, this is what I found in my office: A big snow storm happened right after we left for vacation, so my co-workers were welcoming me back with a humorous taste of the weather that I missed. They put my name plate on him, but everyone kept calling him Frosty. I did have a lot of work to catch up on right away, and I didn't have time to figure out what to do with him. So Frosty is still in my office. He's really large and overbearing so I guess I'll have to take him down to the recycle bin tomorrow.

That's all the good stuff...now for the not so good...

In spite of my resolution to not gain any weight…when I weighed myself on Sunday, I had gained 7 lbs in 3 weeks. I about freaked out when I saw the scale. I had no idea I was even capable of gaining that much weight in 3 weeks. I've been on vacations when I gained 3, 4, or 5 lbs. Never 7 before. I honestly didn't think I was eating that badly. I was just trying to feel "normal" and enjoy my vacation without worrying too much about my weight and what I ate.

So, I guess the plan is to start drinking water, eating right, and working out. I'm pretty sure "it" will come off fairly quickly. Today has been a good day for water and food (unfortunately, there was no time for exercise today).

I do see a lot of growth in how I'm handling the gain. Normally I'd beat myself up, starve, get depressed, engage in a lot of negative self-talk, and obsess about it. I'll admit I have been obsessing a little, but I honestly don't feel depressed and I haven't been hating on myself. Plus I see Dr D on Wednesday and I'm sure she'll help me through this.

Anyway, that's a short update on my first few days back. It really is good to be home.

Our last day in Hawaii

We're leaving tomorrow afternoon for home. We've had great weather until today…it's raining and really windy...almost hurricane winds! It's warm rain so we're enjoying it anyway, and watching the big waves is kind of exciting. We've just been reading and relaxing today. Later, we're going to do a little gift shopping and have dinner at a local fish & chips establishment.

I'll update on what's been happening when we get back to Seattle. We get in late tomorrow night, so it might be a few days until I get caught up enough to post. I took a few videos on my nano a few days ago. I'm not sure how they turned out, but if they're at all interesting, I'll include one or two.

I can't wait to see my dog.

Have a great weekend!

I'm only posting this because it was hilarious

Since I'm on vacation, I am actually able to stay up late enough to watch some of the late night talk shows. Last night Hub and I were watching the Conan O'Brien Show. (I really like Conan, so I'm glad he's back on TV.)

I didn't see the show the night before where he was talking to Tim Gunn about men wearing "jeggings" which are a combination of jeans and leggings. So when I saw this...

I laughed so hard. Especially when he walks across the stage...with his skinny legs, he looks like a stork.

(When you go to the link, the video is at the bottom of the page.)

The Best Vacation Dress...

I bought this as a cover up for the beach, but have been wearing it as a dress when we go out to eat in the evening. I've gotten several compliments, and it's so comfortable yet still kind of sexy. It's really not as short as it is on the model, and hides your stomach. It's very stretchy, which is good if you are feeling fat, like I have been lately. It does emphasize your cleavage, which can be a good thing if you are trying to distract from other...uh...body issues (a.k.a...my stomach).

I got it from Nordstrom, it is from "Make+Model," and the style is called Bermuda Cover Up. Just passing on the info if you were looking for something comfy and casual, but still cute, for a vacation.

P.S. In case you were wondering...This is not me in the photo...ha ha.

Surprise: Too Much Salt Will Make You Swell UP!

I know that salt can make people retain water, contribute to high blood pressure, etc. My husband is one who is salt sensitive. He religiously watches his salt intake, reads labels and won't buy something if the sodium content is too high. I, however, am one of those people who has never had much of a problem with salt. I have low blood pressure (typically 110/60) and I've actually been rather cavalier about the issue. "Oh, salt never bothers me." In fact, I often add salt when I could probably get by without it. I tend to like things on the salty side.

Yesterday, we went with our newly arrived friends to a Chinese restaurant out by the airport. We ordered several dishes, including one called salt and pepper pork chops. When the food came, even I noticed that most of it was rather salty and that the pork chops were VERY salty. But did it keep me from eating them? No. After all, I don't have an issue with salt.

Last night, as I was writing my apology post, my feet were on the floor (as opposed to up on a footstool). Writing the post took about 20 minutes. When I finished, I got up to go to bed, and realized I could hardly walk. My feet and ankles were SO swollen, they looked grotesque. I had never seen them look like that except immediately after I sprained the right ankle a few years ago. The skin was stretched so tight it felt ready to split. I literally hobbled into the bathroom, took a good look, and said to myself..."Wow, I guess too much salt can make you swell up." Duh. (Especially when combined with hot, humid weather, and not drinking much water.)

So I immediately drank two huge glasses of water, went to bed and propped up my feet on two big pillows. Of course, I was up 3 times in the night to pee, but this morning my ankles look almost normal again. Not quite, but almost.

Live and learn, I guess. Today I'm going to be drinking tons of water and watching the salt intake. So far, I've already had 3 big glasses of water.

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a nice Thursday. Excuse me while I run to the bathroom.

Sorry for the Whiny Last Post

I hope no one was offended by my last post. Here I am in beautiful Hawaii, yet I am whining about not having everything I want in a vacation. Not very grateful.

The church we attend here in Hawaii is where Father Damien was ordained into the priesthood in 1864. (He was canonized last year, and is now referred to as Saint Damien.) I enjoy reading history books, especially ones that are pertinent to places I've been or seen, so when we first got here, I bought a book in the parish bookstore called Leper Priest of Moloka'i: The Father Damien Story.

Father Damien spent his life caring for the lepers on Molokai and ended up getting leprosy himself. He died at an early age due to the disease. He was an amazing, totally selfless individual.

I just finished reading the book tonight, and I am feeling very ashamed of myself for my earlier post. Reading this book puts everything into perspective. Not just my attitude about this vacation, but life in general.

I've got the Sunshine, but Where are the Lollipops?

Even while I'm on vacation, I seem to have trouble posting even once a week. And it's not because I'm Soooo.Busy.Having.Fun. I've actually only been on the beach twice in almost 2 weeks.

I have been walking almost every morning, but to be honest, my resolve regarding eating healthy has slipped a little. Nothing too drastic, but I think that instead of maintaining or losing as I had intended, I feel like I've put on a couple of pounds.

The weather has been great, but since Thanksgiving, we've been working…running around doing errands and such. To explain, we own a very nice condo that we bought many years ago, before prices went crazy. It's on the beach, so it's rented out most of the time we are not here. We're very lucky to own it, as it does give us a place to come for a few weeks a year, and the rentals pay for the majority of the mortgage and taxes. But the unit takes a lot of abuse throughout the year, and much of our time here is consumed with doing things that need to be done. Last year it was getting new carpeting and bedroom ceiling fan, and having workmen in to replace the shower (plus we had to drive all over kingdom come to choose the materials). The year before, we needed a new washer/dryer and living room furniture. We spend a lot of time shopping for items, and we actually do a lot of the installation work ourselves. Even when we aren't able to do it ourselves, we still have to be here while someone else does it.

This year our list has included:

1. A new TV
2. New draperies
3. Repairing the stove
4. Getting the windows washed

1. Our management company had been complaining that renters didn't like the old TV (which I completely understand, it was ancient technology from about 10 years ago). Of course, choosing the right one took several trips to the Sears in the nearby mall (a traffic nightmare), Costco (another nightmare), and Best Buy. We finally got a 40 inch LED TV, brought it home and set it up. Then we tried to find a stand for it. Several more trips here and there. Once we decided on the one we wanted, it was out of stock at Best Buy. 6 weeks to get it. Frustrating. So we're going to use the old stand for now, and next time we come we'll order it in advance so it's here for pick up when we arrive.

2. The draperies need to be custom made. There are only about 3 drapery companies here on Oahu, and involves having someone come out and measure and give quotes. It's hard to get anyone to come, and material choices are limited. Then it takes 4 months to actually get the draperies.

3. We either needed to get a new stove, or new knobs for the old one. The stove works fine, but the knobs were worn out. After trips to every appliance store and Home Depot on the island, we finally found some replacement knobs. In all of Oahu, there was one kind of knob.

4. We can't do the windows ourselves because we are on the 12th floor, and special equipment is needed to get to the farthest window. The first guy we contacted wanted $350 for a job that will take an hour to do, so Hub is in the process of calling several other companies.

5. (Oh, you didn't know there was a 5 did you?) Monday, the kitchen sink decided to stop up, and we had to get a plumber @ $125/hr to spend 3 hours trying to snake it out. Turns out the problem is actually above us in another unit (don't ask me how these things work, the building was built in the 70's, and I guess there are some things that are not up to current plumbing codes), so the building maintenance guy will need to get access to the other unit in order to fix the problem. Who knows when that will be, so in the meantime, we are afraid to use the garbage disposal. (At least the water does go down now.)

Between my husband, who is a complete Type A personality, and the Hawaiian way of doing things, nothing is easy here when it comes to getting repairs and maintenance done.

Now…honestly…I'm not complaining. It's just that as a vacation, coming here is not all it might seem on the surface. But we have some friends arriving today and tomorrow, so Hub will probably mellow out a bit. Then on Sunday, we are leaving for a week on the Big Island, where we are renting someone else's condo, and we'll have no chores to do. Yay! Maybe I'll actually be able to get a tan next week!

Hau’oli La Ho’omakika’i!

Hau’oli La Ho’omakika’i is how you say "Happy Thanksgiving" in Hawaiian. No one has actually ever said that to me, so I don't know how it is pronounced. Starting tomorrow, people will start saying Mele Kalikimaka (Merry Christmas). There are no R's, C's or S's in the Hawaiian language, so you substitute L for R, K for C, and K for S too (or something like that). Bottom line is you end up with Mele Kalikimaka, which is a direct conversion of the phrase Merry Christmas, sounds kind of like Merry Christmas, and is easy to say. Hau’oli La Ho’omakika’i is a loose translation of the phrase "giving thanks" rather than a direct conversion of the term Happy Thanksgiving; it's hard to say, so no one says it. Well, now you know more about the Hawaiian language than I'm sure you ever cared to know. :)

We're having a lovely time here. So far we've just been relaxing and doing a few repairs on the condo. We really did miss some snowy, cold weather in Seattle. Buster's Auntie Pam sent me a photo of him playing in the snow. Have you ever seen anything as adorable as my little dog??? Look at the snow on his chin...I just want to reach out and give him a big hug. (click on the photo to get a really good close up of him)

Since being here in Hawaii, I have walked every day (except today...today, I'm taking a break and being lazy...my personal way of giving thanks...ha ha). Most days my walks are about 4 miles (8,500 steps). On Tuesday, I went with some other folks on a walk around Diamond Head Crater, which ended up being 8.5 miles (17,500 steps). (On the map, our condo is next to Fort DeRussy, so we walked down Kalakaua, around Diamond Head on Diamond Head Road, and then back via Ala Wai.) On that particular day, Hub and I also went shopping, so according to Bodybugg, the step total was 23,000 for that day.

I've also been eating very healthy. Hub and I only had one very minor slip as far as eating sweets goes…one day we each had a small ice cream cone from McDonalds.

Later today, we're going down the hall to celebrate Thanksgiving with some friends. Hub (my personal Iron Chef) helped the guys get the turkey going and will make the gravy, and he's also going to make an asparagus frittata. I expect there will be some pumpkin pie, so I probably will have to eat a piece. :)

Tomorrow, I will get my little plastic tree out of the storage unit and decorate it with a lot of cute Hawaiian ornaments that I've collected over the last 5 years. This little tree always makes me feel happy and makes our condo seem more like "home."

So, now I want to say what I'm thankful for: My husband, my dog, my job, my therapist Dr D, my health, my friends (both in real life and in the blogosphere), my wonderful life, my...well, my everything (yes, even my mom who makes me crazy but I love her still). The fact is, I'm the luckiest woman in the world. (Oh, I'm also thankful for my naturally curly hair which loves the Hawaiian heat and humidity. Every day someone makes an envious comment about my hair, which has taken on a Shirley Temple-like appearance.)

Anyway, I hope everyone is having Hau’oli La Ho’omakika’i! (Go ahead, just try to say it, I dare you!)

Hello and Aloha!

I just realized it has been over 2 weeks since I last posted. Hub and I arrived in Hawaii on Friday and will be here for 3 weeks. It looks like we escaped the freezing/snowy weather that was headed toward the Seattle area when we left (I just saw that it is currently 36 degrees in Seattle). It was 80 in Honolulu yesterday, will be 80 today, 80 tomorrow, 80 Tuesday…well, you get the picture. The sun is shining and the sky is perfectly clear except for some puffy clouds in the distance. Here's the view from our condo early this morning.

The last 2 weeks leading up to this vacation were hectic and a bit of a blur. I'm sure I could have found time to blog, but I didn't. I didn't even read anyone else' blogs, so today I'm catching up.

While we are in Hawaii, it is my intention to eat healthy, walk everyday, and either maintain or lose weight (not much, maybe a pound or two). Here's my plan:

1. Eat healthy. We bought lots of healthy food at the grocery store for the duration. Hub and I also have a pact that we will not eat any sweets while we are here. We've already been tempted a few times, but so far so good. We don't eat out every day, and when we do, there are usually lots of delicious fresh items to choose from...fish, fruit, vegetables, etc.

2. Walk 10,000 steps every day. I walked yesterday for 45 minutes and we also did some shopping at Costco and Sears. I ended up at 10,500 steps and that will be my goal for each day here. Today we will go to church at a beautiful cathedral in downtown Honolulu, then we are going to the Aloha Stadium Swap meeting. I should be able to get in my steps there.

That's about it. Not much to it, not complicated.

Well, time to get ready for church. While we are here, I'll try to update more frequently, and visit some of my favorite blogs.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend!

A Dog's Purpose

About a month ago, I started listening to audio books. My first download was The Help, which got me hooked. So far I've also listened to Eighteen Acres, and The Kite Runner. All were excellent. I love listening to books on my iPod when I take B to the park, while working around the house or in the yard, or driving to/from work.

Today I just finished listening to A Dog's Purpose: A Novel for Humans. This book was just amazing. If you are a dog lover I definitely recommend this one. If you have ever lost a dog, this book will mean even more to you. Listening to this book made me want to rush home and hug B.

However…caution…do not listen to the end of this audio book while driving (like I did)! You will not be able to see the road through your tears.

Now I am trying to figure out what to listen to next. Does anyone else listen to audio books? If so, do you have any favorites you can suggest?

Weekend update

The weather has been so nice lately, and the trees have been gorgeous, although they are quickly losing their colorful leaves. It's cooled off a lot today and is supposed to rain this weekend. But here's a (very) short video to show you how beautiful it's been.

I took B to the vet this morning. We saw a new doctor who was totally charmed by him (of course) and B did all his tricks for her. Unfortunately, he's gained 1.5 lbs since last year, which is not good for a small dog. He should weigh about 17 lbs, but today he weighed 18.5. Weight is an issue for dogs too, although I don't think B worries about whether people will like him if he weighs 18.5 lbs instead of 17…lol. With his elbow dysplasia, he can't go on long walks, so he doesn't get the exercise he used to. And any excess weight gain can exacerbate his limping. It's a vicious circle. So, I guess we will need to start feeding him a little less. A smaller dinner, and not as many treats. Hmmm, I don't think he is going to be happy about THAT!

I am definitely struggling with the fact that I've gained a bit. Today I'm stressing because Hub and I are going out to dinner tomorrow with some friends, and the last time they saw me was this summer, when I weighed 162. The "mean voice" is telling me they will both be absolutely shocked at how fat I am, at how much I've gained. And although I won't do it, it's actually crossed my mind to starve myself until we see them tomorrow. That's how strangely screwed up I still am in my head. I hate it. I'm trying to listen to the "new voice" telling me that they won't probably even notice, but right now the "mean voice" is louder. ♫Sometimes I feel like a nut, ♫ Sometimes I don't♫. And right now, I am feeling like the Queen of Nutville.

At just slightly taller than 5'9", 162-163 is a good, healthy weight for me, and Dr D has assured me that I will get back there if I just don't worry about it and continue to eat normally. Sometimes when people with eating disorders start to eat normally, their weight will bounce up and down a bit before they settle at their ideal weight. Her main concern is that I not beat myself up about it. She said that it might even be a good idea to see a nutritionist who deals with patients with "food issues." We talked about this about a year ago, but I wasn't ready at that time to give up the restrictive eating. I was still trying to "do my own thing." I'm feeling more open to the idea now. Hub and I have a 3-week vacation coming up (we leave Nov 19), then there is Christmas and New Years. So now is not the time to start some new experimental eating. But maybe I'll explore that after the first of the year.

Well, time to get a bit of housework done. If I keep busy, I'm less anxious.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Listening to the New Voice

I'm so glad it's the weekend. I survived the second day of computer class. We're currently short staffed, so the rest of the week was pretty busy. It was beautiful yesterday, so I spent the afternoon working in the yard, cleaning up my tomato pots which, sadly, never really produced anything substantial this year. It was so cold and rainy the whole summer that they just never got the sun and heat they needed. Today it has been raining off and on (more on than off) but I did take B to the park. He was wet and dirty when we got home, so he had to have a bath, which he just hates. But now he is fluffy and smells good.

I had an interesting therapy session with Dr D on Wednesday. I've gained a few lbs since I went to Hawaii with my friend (I'm at 167 right now, up from 162 then, which was my lowest in 10 years). I go from being okay with it, to being freaked out about it. I can't decide how I feel. Or why I feel so unsettled about it. After all, it's just a few lbs. Dr D asked me why I think I'm so worried about a few lbs. What's the worst that can happen if I weigh 167 instead of 162? I had to think about it, but after awhile, I told her, I think that unless I'm thin, people will be disappointed in me, or won't like me. She kept pushing me, though. "Do you really think people won't like you if you weigh 167 instead of 162?" After thinking about it some more, I acknowledged that she is right, not only do people not care what I weigh, I really doubt anyone really even notices the difference. "So WHO won't like you?" she kept asking.

Of course, the real answer is...my mother.

Then I told Dr D I sometimes think I'm exaggerating in my mind how bad things were in my childhood. After all, my mom is not the mean, crazy mother now that she was back then…yes, she's still a bit crazy and annoying, but not mean. So was she really that awful, was my childhood really that bad? After all, I told her, I often think about all the "more awful" things that could have happened to me. I wasn't sexually molested, I wasn't burned with cigarettes.

She said, "I counsel a lot of women who are dealing with childhood trauma. If I were to rank them on a scale, the abuse you suffered is in the top 10, maybe in the top 5." Wow, I felt for a moment like I'd won an Oscar. Until I thought more about what it meant to be in the "top 5" of this particular category. I don't know why, but at that very moment I felt very sad but also validated in how screwed up I am. It made more sense to me.

I remember when I saw the movie "Mommie Dearest" in the early 80's, I just hated it. I remember having to leave the theater during the wire hanger scene. I didn't find it "campy" or over-the-top, like some of the reviewers called it. It was too real to me. I remember telling my (now ex) husband that Christina Crawford's childhood reminded me too much of my own.

In my case, although there were no wire hangers involved, there was a lot of screaming and yelling in my house. Add to this some sporadic occurrences of physical violence, mostly towards my brother, but occasionally Mom would come at me, enraged, screaming and slapping. During these times, I remember being terrified.

But more frequently, rather than beating me up, she'd give me the silent treatment for days, for some perceived wrongdoing, often nothing I could even figure out what it was. But the silent treatment was worse than being beat up. I remember one time crying and begging her "Please talk to me, Mom, I'm sorry for whatever I've done. Please, please just talk to me." Usually she'd say, "If you don't know what you've done, I'm not going to tell you." And then she'd turn her back on me. I remember just being physically sick to the point of throwing up because I didn't know what else to do, I just felt hopeless. "Mom doesn't love me anymore." But throwing up seemed to help me cope, at least it relieved the anxiety for a little while. And when she finally did start to talk to me again, the relief was so overwhelming that I vowed to never do ANYTHING to make her mad at me again. If her goal was to make me completely under her control, she achieved it. I felt broken.

But I think that might be where my bulimia started. It literally made me feel better to throw up whenever I felt stressed out.

It really is painful to keep doing this therapy, but the fact is…it helps. Of course, there is a lot more to each session than what I can relate here, lots of complicated issues and thought processes. But every session give me more insight and peace. So I guess I'll just keep working on it.

And try to stop worrying about those few lbs. I need to listen to what the "new" voice is telling me. The "old" voice is still there, the one that says "You're fat fat fat," but it is starting to get quieter. The "new" voice says, "You are not what you weigh. You are a good person. You are special, lovable, pretty, smart, accomplished." The "new" voice used to be silent, then it started to whisper those things to me...and recently it has started shouting. So I guess I should pay attention.

Well, it's time to get ready for Saturday evening Mass. I'm ushering tonight.

I hope everyone is having a good weekend.

I Do NOT "Heart" Computer Classes

I spent 8 hours today in a computer class learning how to design reports for a software program we are getting where I work. I will be there again tomorrow for another 8 hours.

I am not a natural at doing computer reports. I am not a computer geek. (I don't mean this in a disparaging way at all...I admire people, like our I.T. folks, who are so computer savvy that they could be described as computer geeks.). I really didn't want to take this class, but they needed someone from our department to be able to do the reports. So I was "volunteered." Lucky me.

Sitting at computer all day makes my neck hurt. Bad. Which makes me feel sorry for myself. Which always makes me want candy. Red candy.

On the way home, I needed to stop at the grocery store, and of course when I went by the bulk food section, the cinnamon bears and red licorice wheels (50% off!) were calling to me. I am pleased to say I didn't succumb, although I came close. I actually put a bag of the licorice wheels in my cart, but then I put it back. Close call, yes. (I really wanted to put a big old X through the picture of the candy, but I don't have a program to do that.)

Instead I came home and took a pain pill (a real pain pill, hydrocodone. YAY!).

Now Buster and I are sitting on the couch while I wait for the pill to work. I'm trying to type but he wants to play with his stuffed squirrel. He makes me laugh because I have a trick that after 7 years he still doesn't understand. When I get the squirrel away from him, I quickly put it behind my head. Then I show him my empty hands and say…Where did it go? He has never figured it out, and always has the same confused look; then the look of total surprise when I pull it back out and show him. Which is pretty funny. No matter what else is going on, B is a little ray of sunshine in my life.

Anyway, just wanted to give a quick update. I hope everyone had a good Monday!

Thinking about...the Geneen Roth Workshop

I promised to share my thoughts on the Geneen Roth Workshop (which I attended on October 8 & 9), but it took me a while to process what I was thinking. Plus I wanted to discuss with Dr D first, which we did on Monday. So…here’s my take on the workshop:

I’ve read all of Geneen Roth’s books, so I almost felt like I knew her before the workshop. Geneen herself was adorable and very funny. I could have listened to her talk about her life for hours. But once we got into the activities, I think my experience was quite different from most of the other women there.

• I felt like I was in a 3rd grade arithmetic class when I’ve already passed calculus.

This is not to disparage the workshop itself. It’s just that after 2 years of therapy, I’ve already addressed many of the mental/emotional issues that Geneen had us working on in a (necessarily) superficial manner.

It surprised me that there were still a lot of folks who were apparently there to “lose weight” (as if it was a diet class), rather than trying to understand why food was such an issue in their lives. What is the pain that causes us to turn to food instead of dealing with our feelings? While I was chatting with some of the other attendees, 3 different times I was asked if I’d lost a lot of weight. As if to say, "You look normal, why are you here?" It seems that people often don’t understand that severe food issues are not always manifested in outward appearances. So I actually felt a bit out of place there. Not because of how I look but because of the preconceived idea “You wouldn’t be here unless you are or were fat.”

• While some of the activities were interesting, one major activity of the workshop grossed me out big time. I’ve come to think of it as…“The Dixie Cup”…

At the start of this activity, Geneen's helpers passed out little Dixie cups. Each contained one corn chip, 2 raisins, and one Hershey’s kiss. I knew immediately…oh crap, this is not going to be a good experience for me.

Geneen then spent a lot of time having people pick up the corn chip, smell it, rub it on their lips (!), then take a tiny bite and hold it in their mouths. She asked the participants to describe the taste, their thoughts, and their emotions regarding the chip. I understand that she was leading the group towards being mindful and aware of what we are eating, rather than eating unconsciously. But…

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even touch that corn chip. The smell was disgusting, and the thought of that greasy chip on my lips… Ugh. The truth is…I don’t like corn chips under normal circumstances. Then we were supposed to pick up the raisins, roll them around between our fingers, etc, etc. Well, I don’t like raisins either, and the thought of holding those rabbit pellets in my hand and then putting them in my mouth, especially not knowing where they’d been or who had touched them besides me, made me want to puke.

Finally, when Geneen started in on the Hershey’s kiss, it was just too much. I had to leave the room. I just don’t eat chocolate anymore; I haven’t had even one bite of chocolate since 1996 when I gave it up after a particularly severe bulimic binge.

So, while everyone else was participating with enthusiasm and seemed to get a lot out of the exercise it was just too uncomfortable for me. It felt almost intimate... and I don't want to be that intimate with food. All I kept thinking was…All this playing with food…YUCK…what's next...oh no, I'm gonna be sick…

Yes, I recognize that I still have some phobias related to food, so it’s not that it was a bad exercise… but this one gave me major heebie jeebies.

• For me, the intuitive eating idea is actually 180 degrees opposite from how most women at the workshop were looking at it.

I’m really not a compulsive eater, at least not in the classic sense of the term. I don’t eat a lot of food at any one time. For me, a binge is two doughnuts or two candy bars, usually because I've waited to long to to eat and so I’m literally starving. I don’t really eat unconsciously, in fact I eat TOO consciously. I overanalyze everything I eat.

My problem…I’m often at an 8 or 9 on a scale of 1-10 before I allow myself to eat. I often get faint or shaky or brain-dead before it finally occurs to me that maybe I should have eaten something a while ago. While it might seems as if I’ve forgotten to eat, I think it’s really that my subconscious tells me I’m not supposed to eat, that I don't deserve to eat, that I’m supposed to starve myself…so I ignore the hunger. I often feel guilty when I eat even normal amounts of food. You could even say…I’m a compulsive non-eater, which is classic bulimic/anorexic behavior.

During one exercise, we were supposed to talk about the eating guidelines and what we wanted to get out of the workshop. We were each given one guideline to talk about. Mine was "Eat when you are hungry (truly hungry, body hungry...not mind hungry)." I thought about it, then I shared with my small group that I wanted to learn to eat when I’m hungry. I explained… "Rather than eating when I’m not hungry, I don’t eat when I am hungry." I was met with blank looks and I don’t think the other ladies in my group could relate…or at least that was my perception (it could have just been my natural self-consciousness when I talk about myself). Whether that perception was true or just my imagination, I got very embarrassed. It reminded me a bit of when I used to go to Overeaters Anonymous, and I felt like an outcast because I wasn't overweight and had never been overweight. (Just a side note...when I attended Anorexics Anonymous and Bulimics Anonymous back in the early 1990's, I felt like an outcast there too because I wasn't sickly thin.)

• Finally, probably the most picky thing on my part (and I almost hesitate to bring it up)….There was a lot of wasted time and I got rather frustrated.

There was a lot of hawking of other books, workshops, CD's, memberships in other organizations, etc.

There were several long interludes of listening to strange music by a guitar-playing singer who never smiled and looked like the most miserable human being on earth. We were supposed to relax and listen and think about the words she was singing. But the truth is…I hated it. I obviously have different taste in music than Geneen does…and I wanted to be WORKING on something. That's why I was there. Not to listen to music that I wouldn't listen to...well, if YOU paid ME.

In the end…I am definitely glad I went…the best thing was meeting Diana, who obviously got a lot out of the workshop. You can see from her blog that she is putting a lot of effort into exploring the eating guidelines.

As for me, I did learn a few things....there is always something to be learned if you keep an open mind. But in all honesty, the workshop was not something I'd do again. I’ll continue to work on my emotional health and physical well-being, working with Dr D, eating right, working out, living life.

Just no more workshops. I feel like I’m doing really well on my own.

An update...finally

Yes, I have been seriously remiss in posting. Almost 6 weeks since my last blog post. I just temporarily lost interest, got busy, felt I didn't have much to say, blah blah blah.

In the past 6 weeks, I've been dealing with a still-annoying ankle injury; I've been to Hawaii with a friend (more on that in another blog post); I've been busy with a lot of various projects at work. In other words...just a lot of the same-old same-old going on. In other words...a lot going on but not a lot to say about it.

So, what has given me the boot-in-the-butt to start posting again?

I had a wonderful time this weekend at the Geneen Roth workshop in Seattle, but it wasn't so much because of the workshop...

It was because of meeting Diana. She is a lovely person both inside and out. She is beautiful, and funny, and nice. We both have the same weird sense of humor. Sometimes we'd look at each other and just start laughing…and we both knew what we were laughing about. It was like we were reading each other's mind. We talked about some of the bloggers we both follow regularly as if they are mutual friends...well, the fact is...they are!

Spending time with her made me realize how much I miss blogging, and the support I get from all my friends in the blogosphere. I'd never have met Diana if it wasn't for having a blog.

I'll post a little more soon about my thoughts on the workshop itself. In the meantime, you can read more at Diana's blog, where she has so eloquently described her experience.

So, that's it for now. I just wanted to check in and let everyone know I'll be back on a more regular basis. See you again soon!

Getting myself together

I haven't posted because I've been a bit in the dumps lately. Reading through other blogs, it looks like some others are in the same frame of mind. I wonder what's going on? I think for me, it's a combination of things:

1. It is obvious that our summer (meaning "real summer") is over in the PNW.
I really love the HOT HOT days of summer when it gets light at 4 a.m. and doesn't get dark until 10:30. (The fact is we didn't really have a good hot summer this year, like we did last year, so I feel kind of cheated too.) Yes, we'll still have some beautiful, warm days...but the sunsets are coming earlier and earlier, the nights are already chilly, and the leaves are turning color. This always makes me sad...nothing different this year, this always makes me sad.

2. August is the month of both my dad's birthday and the anniversary of his death in 2006. Although I'm not a real sentimental person when it comes to dates like this, my mom is. So she brings me down with her focus on these occasions. I spend a lot of time comforting her.

3. My ankle sucks. Really sucks. So I'm not able to go for any good walks. I'm getting acupuncture, which seems to be helping, although I'm not sure if it's just better because I'm not using it much. Every time I go for acupuncture, I ask the Dr...When can I go for walks again? She says...Don't be in such a hurry. I ask...Not even treadmill? She says...No. I persist...How about walks as long as long they are not too strenuous? She says...No, don't walk any more than necessary. So I'm trying to be a "patient patient"...But it still sucks. I miss my walks both for my physical and mental well being.

4. Even though my weight is stable, I've noticed my love handles increasing. I REALLY noticed it this morning. I figure this is as a result of lack of aerobic exercise. I hate my love handles...they make me feel self-conscious and unattractive. They make me want to wear baggy sweaters.

So, what to do to get out of this rut?

1. Schedule a trip to somewhere that is is summer all the time, like...Hawaii!
(Done!...only one month before we go!)

2. Talk to Dr D about my mom issues, and hang on until September.
Dr D is always helpful for working through family issues, and things will be back to "normal" (whatever that is) with my mom in September.

3. Continue ankle acupuncture and rest.
(I have to admit, occasionally the thought will cross my mind...I'll go for a walk JUST THIS ONCE and the Dr will never know...but I'll know. And then I tell myself, Don't be stupid. What's the point of spending time and money on acupuncture, if you're only going to disregard her advice?)

4. Find some other form of aerobic exercise.
*I hate swimming. (I hate to put my face in the water.)
*I hate bike riding. (I'm always afraid I'm going to get hit by a car or I'll do something stupid to get honked at or yelled at.)
*I hate hot yoga. (I spend all my time in dead pose because it's either that or faint.)
*I've been going to Curves, but all I am allowed to do is the weight-lifting part, not the jump-around-in-between-each-machine part. I can't seem to get an aerobic work out just doing the weight lifting.

So, what to do...?
*Take a spinning class.
I've never taken a spinning class. That's definitely aerobic exercise, and would be relatively easy on the ankle. Our local 24HrFitness is offering a 7-Day free pass, and they have spinning classes every day. So, I've printed out my free pass already and I'll go in tomorrow.
*Reduce carbs
I found through research that refined carbs supposedly contribute a lot to love handles.

Anyway, that's the plan. The first three ideas are already in motion, and I'm starting tomorrow on the spinning class and lower carbs. I'll let you know how it goes.

Busy Busy Busy

Sometimes I wonder what I'm even doing that takes up so much time. I feel as if every day I'm on the go from 5:30 a.m. to 10 p.m., and what do I have to show for it? I haven't even had time to blog last week.

Last weekend was Seafair. I don't really care much about the hydroplane races and all that other "Seafair-y" stuff, but I do love the Blue Angels. And I got to see them twice! They were fantastic… Last Friday, I went out with my friend on her boat. Buster got to come too! Once he got used to the engine noise, he really enjoyed himself. The amazing thing is for some reason the overhead roar of the Blue Angels didn't bother him at all. I think he did get a bit seasick, because he upchucked a little once toward the end of the boat ride. Poor B...but he was just fine afterwards. Then Hub and I went to a party on Saturday on Lake Washington and saw the Angels again. It was very cool. (I wish I could take credit for this great picture, but as fast as the Blue Angels move...my camera was no match.)

My right ankle has been really bothering me…again. Damn. I finally went to my sports medicine doctor today, and he thinks I might have a combination of a re-sprain plus shin splints. He told me to stay off it, ice it, and take ibuprofen. No hard walking or trail hiking for at least 2 weeks. This pisses me off, but the fact is it does hurt like a bitch. I guess I'll just have to go to Curves instead temporarily.

I'm still up a few pounds from my lowest recent weight which was 161, but I don't seem to be gaining anymore…right now I'm at 164. I was going to just try to be happy at 164 for a while, but…

At the end of September, a good friend and I are going to Hawaii for a week to celebrate her retirement from the fire service. I am so excited! She and I have known each other since 1980 when we worked at the same fire station. (This is the same friend I go with to Fat Tuesday in Seattle.) We're going to stay in our condo…this will be her first time in Hawaii and my first time there without Hub. It will be really fun to have a week there without having to clean, repair, fix, etc., which is what we normally do a lot of when I'm there with Hub. We'll just be able to lie in the sun, shop, and relax. (I'll be getting back just in time to go to Geneen Roth's seminar, where I'm so happy that I get to meet Diana of "Diana's Weight Loss Journey.")

So, of course "The Crazy Brain" (as my blogging friend Dana of "To the Best of My Ability" calls it) tells me I need to lose 5 lbs before we go. I'm sure I CAN do it, but the question is whether I SHOULD do it? I'm still very new at "being normal" so I need to be careful about doing anything that will trigger old self-destructive disordered eating habits. At least now I'm aware of what goes on in my crazy brain, so I can fight it. Plus I have a much better support system in place than I've ever had before.

I just need to remember that the point of going to Hawaii is to have fun and that NOT ONE PERSON there will be looking at me and judging me on my weight. The fact is...no one will be paying any attention to me. No one, not one person (except myself of course), cares what I look like. I am not the focus of the world's attention. So, for the first time in my life, I'm going to try to enjoy myself and not worry constantly about what people think of me. At least, that's my goal, and it will be a real growth experience for me.

I hope everyone is having a great week!

Rest + Drugs + Time = Recovery

My back was hurting a lot yesterday and I felt feverish, so I came home a bit early from work. I walked in the door, immediately took a whole "real" pain pill (hydrocodone), got into bed, and proceeded to sleep from about 3:30 to 8 p.m. Hub finally woke me up to come eat some dinner. He said I had been sleeping so hard he checked on me a few times to make sure I was still breathing...

I took another 1/2 a pill about 10:30, went back to bed and slept until 8 a.m. this morning…and I feel SOOO much better today. I am still taking some Tylenol but not needing as much as before. Between the pain medication, the anti-viral drugs, the rest, and time-healing-all-wounds, I seem to be on the mend.

Just got back from taking B to the park. I intend to take it easy today, just putter around the house, de-clutter and do a bit of laundry. I may even take a nap this afternoon!

We're going to a friend's house for a BBQ tonight. She has a boat, and since the weather is nice, she's going to take us for a ride on Lake Washington before dinner. Sounds like low-key fun and I'm looking forward to that.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

A Real Pain...

I have had an extremely stressful last two weeks at work. I actually had a pretty significant melt-down last Wednesday, which I did not mention here, because I didn't want to dwell on it. But the fact is, I was so angry about something that I came as close to quitting my job as I ever have in my whole career.

It all boiled down to my not feeling supported by my superiors. We have way too much work to do, and due to budget constraints, not enough people to do it all. Yet expectations of my group are very high. So I had a heart-to-heart with my immediate supervisor on Thursday, and he acknowledged there were a lot of problems, but the bottom line is I was basically told "that's the way it is." The issues were out of my control and there wasn't anything to be done. In essence... "suck it up."

I didn't feel good about our meeting.

So I stewed and fretted about it and felt upset. I actually let myself feel angry, which is unusual for me. I usually just run away from feelings of anger.

Still, I tried to stay positive. And I really thought I was handling my emotions well. Eating was not great, but not bad. Exercise was a bit minimal due to the busy schedule, but I've been fitting it in when I could. Rather than just hold my feelings inside, I even discussed the situation with Dr D.

But, about 4 days ago, I started feeling something in my lower back. It was kind of like a pain, but not really. It was strange. Then I woke up on Monday morning, I had this rash on my backside, which got progressively worse as the day went on. It got so I could hardly sit down. I showed it to my hub that night, and he didn't know what it was. And boy, did it hurt...yes it sure did. I felt like I had a major case of sciatica. So I called a friend who is a dermatologist, and she had me email her picture.

I have shingles.

She called in a prescription for anti-viral medication for me, but the pain is bad. And I don't want to get too graphic…but the rash has even spread to some places you just don't want a rash. Believe me.

I'm taking Tylenol, which seems to help some, but the relief is short term. And I don't like to take a lot of Tylenol, it can make your liver fall out. So I'm just trying to ignore the pain. But right now I'm feeling very sorry for myself. And I want to eat ice cream.

So, how the heck did I get such a thing? I thought only old people got shingles! (uh...I wonder if this means I AM OLD). But my doc friend says it is often related to stress. I told her about my work situation, and she said that could be the cause. She said I should take a few days off from work, relax, take it easy…I wish I could, but I can't. At least I do have Friday off.

So life goes on, the rash should start healing in a few days. I'll get better…I'll just try to not get so angry and stressed out about things I can't control.

And I think I will have some ice cream. No reason I shouldn't. (Just as long as I don't eat the whole carton.)

P.S. I was just looking at some more info on the internet, and I realize there are a lot worse places to get shingles than on your backside. I am so lucky I didn't get them on my face..you can go blind or have your face paralyzed due to nerve damage. Whew!

Butterflies in the Park

On my walk yesterday with B, I took this video on my Nano of some butterflies. It was originally about 1-1/2 minutes long. Just now, I trimmed it down to the middle part using iPhoto and Quicktime.

Isn't technology amazing? The most amazing thing to me, though, is that I'm able to figure it out!

Eagles and Ankles

Sunday morning, I saw this eagle on a log on the lake, and he stayed around for a long time. At first I thought he was hurt, so I watched him through our telescope for a while. He was huge, and didn't really seem in distress. He just hung around, drinking out of the lake. After watching him for a while, I went outside to take the picture. He still didn't fly away, and I was able to get within about 30 feet of him, before he took off. Obviously he wasn't hurt, he was just enjoying the sunshine.

We have about a dozen eagles in the area, they are constantly fishing and hunting (ducks mostly). People with small dogs (really small, like less than 10 lbs) have to be careful because the eagles have been known to snatch them. B is about 16 lbs, so I think he's safe, besides he's never outside by himself. The interesting thing is occasionally I'll find a dead fish in the driveway or in the flower beds, obviously dropped by an eagle (lol...none of the fish in the lake are flying fish). A few weeks ago, one of our neighbors got hit on the head by a fish falling from the sky. It was a glancing blow, but he said it really hurt. I guess you just never know what's out there waiting to get you....

My right ankle has really been bothering me since Saturday afternoon. About 6 years ago, I really messed it up when I fell off a ladder. At the time, the doctor told me he'd never seen such a badly sprained ankle, and that it might never be right again. Well, I worked really hard on physical therapy and had acupuncture. I even tried moxibustion from a massage therapist in Hawaii (he called himself "Dr Darko"...quite a name, huh?). I guarantee Dr Darko was not a medical doctor and his method of moxibustion was not a medically approved procedure. It actually burned my skin, hurt like hell, and left scars…but the big surprise was it really helped. The ankle still looks kind of disfigured and it's covered with broken blood vessels, but it's been mostly pain free for the last few years.

It does still flair up occasionally, the last time was after I hiked the volcano on the Big Island last year. And now it's bugging me again. I think all this walking on uneven trails has tweaked it, even though I have really good shoes designed for trail hiking. I have been taking ibuprofen at night and that seems to help...but if I forget to take it every few hours, it starts to hurt again. (Like right now, it hurts a lot.) I have also been thinking about wearing an ankle brace so I can keep trail hiking, but hub thinks I should just walk on stable surfaces for a while, like pavement or the treadmill. He says "YOUR ANKLE IS TALKING TO YOU...LISTEN TO IT!" Okay, maybe he's right (I hate that).

As for the "EEEEK…I've gained 4 lbs" situation that I posted about last week...I've been wearing my size 12 uniform pants for my mental health. I still haven't had a lot of time to work out, but I'm eating carefully (to be brutally honest, I think maybe I'm not eating enough…I tend to restrict when I get in this mindset. I know I have to be very careful about this.). Today I noticed the 12's are starting to loosen up a bit. I tried the 10's on this morning, but they were still a little snug. So I put the 12's back on...no use being miserable or uncomfortable…by next Monday, I should be back down to around 162.

Well, I'm going to try to sneak out a bit early from work so I can go to Curves on the way home. That's low impact. Give the ankle a rest.

Have a great evening!

Getting Back on Track

After our last visitors left on Monday, I had all sorts of good intentions of getting right back into healthy eating and working out. After all, the scale showed I had gained 4 lbs in the last 2 weeks. (4 lbs...Eeeek!) Unfortunately, work was so busy I didn't have time to workout, and although I took my lunch to work each day, I found myself craving and eating a lot more junk than I normally indulge in.

Yesterday…I met my goal of working out, but food was still a bit out there. I drove to a local trail park and walked for 3 miles, but then I needed to stop at the drug store. I was really hungry, so while I was there, I ended up buying 2 candy bars, 200 calories each, and scarfing them down in the car on the way home. That sounds counterproductive, doesn't it? Work out then go eat crap. lol. I really shouldn't let myself get so hungry, because that's when I make crazy choices. Then we went to a local Chinese buffet for dinner. I didn't do too badly in what I chose, and I ate small portions, but there's always a lot of sodium in that food. Finally...last night, I discovered a stash of caramels that I had completely forgotten about in the pantry...they'd been there since Christmas so they were really chewy. Still, I ate all 5 of those. Bleh.

So, today has been a lot better, especially in the food category. I've been really trying to drink a lot of water too.

We were invited over to some friends' house for dinner tonight, but both hub and I wanted to give ourselves some time to "recover" (meaning a while to get back on track). Our friends both just lost a bunch of weight on Weight Watchers, so they completely understood. So we're going next weekend instead.

I'm not going to weigh myself again until Friday. I'm hoping to be back down to my new "normal" by then. When I say new "normal" I mean that's the weight I've been hovering around for the last 2 months, which is 162. (My new "danger number" is 165, when I go over that, I kind of freak out. And I saw 166 on Monday.)

We're lucky to be having a gorgeous day, sun shining and about 70 degrees. I need to do a few things outside, so I'll see you later.

P.S. In retrospect, I feel kind of guilty about my last post about our visitor Ray. I was talking to a friend about it, and I've come to the conclusion that he didn't mean to upset me. I think he is just old and nervous and worried about everything.