A BIG OLD PAIN...

...in the neck.

My neck is still hurting a lot. I went to the chiropractor on my way into work this morning...OUCH! The adjustment hurt so bad it made me tear up.

I asked the doc if I should work out today but he said it wasn’t a good idea. He did say I could take a walk if I wanted to. I intended to do that, but then I couldn’t muster any enthusiasm so I just took the day off. I did stick with my food program, which I guess is better than nothing.

I’m going to bed early. I'm hoping I'll feel better tomorrow.

Goodnight…

Drugs and alcohol...

…and food.

I woke up this morning with a really stiff neck. This happens to me occasionally…I think everyone has a weak spot in their body, a place where their stress comes out. Mine is my neck and back. We had a really stressful Saturday (I won’t go into the details, they are too silly) but it’s not surprising that I woke up like this.

So I took some hydrocodone that I had left over from my eye surgery last year, then I took B to the park for a little stroll. Moving around seemed to help, so it occurred to me that walking on the treadmill for a while would help too. It must have been the HC…I ended up walking on the treadmill for an hour. I was listening to my iPod and kind of zoned out...I didn’t even realize how long I’d walked. But I sweated a lot and my neck did feel a little better afterwards.

Some friends were having an open house this afternoon…so I took another HC in order to be able to attend without being in too much pain. At the party, I had a couple of beers, and then I was feeling REALLY good. Yup, HC & BEER, a great combo!

Of course, there was FOOD too. Chicken wings with ranch dressing, roll-up sandwiches, several kinds of chips & dip, and bowls of nuts. With inhibitions lowered, you can imagine what happened. It could have been worse, I guess. At least I didn’t eat any of the cookies and candy they had.

Right now, I’m going to bed with my heating pad and some Tylenol...no more HC for me! I'll probably feel better after a good night's sleep. A visit to the chiropractor is definitely on the schedule for tomorrow.

A Fine Friday

What a beautiful Friday it was! The sun was shining and the temp was about 70. It’s supposed to be nice all weekend. B and I took a 30 minute walk today, then I went out by myself for another 45 minutes of real cardio. When the week is over, I'll have done 5 days of exercise this week. My food has been really good all week too; weekends things usually get a bit looser, but I'll try to keep somewhat on track. It helps that I'm already seeing positive changes (both physical and mental).

I just ran across Biggest Loser (current episodes) on Fine Living Network (FLN). They rerun the episodes on Fridays and Saturdays. This is great since I was complaining about too many of my favorite shows being on TV at the same time on Tuesday night. So now we can record HK and watch DWTS and then I can catch up with BL by myself on Fridays...hub's not that big a fan of BL.

I picked up my new glasses today from the optometrist. These are specifically for working on my laptop. My eye surgery last year worked great so I can see up close just fine to read, and my far away vision is really good. But apparently I still have a bit of astigmatism in my close-up eye. It’s a little bothersome when I’m on my laptop computer for any length of time…things get blurry after a while and my eyes get kind of strained. Did you know they can make glasses that are just specifically for laptop computer use? They make the focal point about 18 inches from your eyes. I was a bit skeptical when my eye doctor suggested them, but they are working just great right now. I can work on my computer without squinting, and then look over the top to watch TV. The most expensive part of glasses is purchasing frames, so I used my old frames from when I wore glasses all the time...all I needed was new lenses.

On another subject, I’ve been reading lately about several bloggers who are being attacked by trolls on their blogs. I’ve never had a troll leave a comment here, probably because this blog is so BORING! *lol* Seriously, it must be awful to be trying to do something positive with your blog only to have anonymous assholes leave nasty comments. I just don't understand people some times.

Well, that’s about it for now. I hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Graciela
~174.5

Striving for NORMAL

This is going to be a boring post. It’s just that I keep having these minor epiphanies, and I wanted to make this one concrete for myself by writing it down. If you are bored, feel free to skip this post…I won’t blame you at all.

Here goes…

A few nights a week, hub and I have an ice cream bar or popsicle after dinner. We have a freezer full...WW, Healthy Choice, Carb Smart…fudge, coconut, strawberry, lime…we literally have a dozen different brands and flavors. We always tend towards so-called diet bars, but basically our idea is that if it’s around 120 calories, then it’s okay.

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned the fact that…I don’t eat chocolate. I haven’t had chocolate since April 14, 1996 (yes, I know the exact date). Chocolate was one of my binge/purge foods…if I had one piece of chocolate, there wasn’t enough chocolate in the world to satisfy me. During a binge, I’d eat bags of chocolate covered peanuts, or a couple extra large Crunch bars, or a couple dozen Reese’s peanut butter cups. I was like an alcoholic…so at some point early in my recovery, I realized I needed to quit chocolate cold turkey. I actually went through hypnosis aversion therapy to give it up.

I’ve now been chocolate-free for over 13 years. When people offer me chocolate, I tell them I’m allergic. I do eat other candy...I love red candy like licorice and Swedish fish, and I still occasionally eat white chocolate (I gravitate toward white chocolate Reese’s PB cups or Lindt white chocolate truffles). But they don’t seem to be a binge trigger for me. I can eat a reasonable amount and then stop.

Back to the ice cream bars…since I don’t eat chocolate, my choices in ice cream bars are quite limited. Hub eats the diet chocolate-covered ice cream bars and the fudge bars. I’ve been relegated to coconut bars or strawberry popsicles, and a few other odds and ends. But after literally years of eating the same thing due to limited choices, I’ve gotten SUPER BORED.

So the other day, I was complaining to hub about my lack of choices. Yeah, I know...Boo hoo. But I was surprised when hub said…”You know, you never eat more than one a night so you can have any treat you want. You don’t need to be just eating diet stuff.” Although the idea initially made me nervous...he’s right…I have no problem eating just one ice cream bar.

So, with some trepidation, I started looking for a "non-chocolate" normal calorie ice cream bar, and I’ve found it…Good Humor toasted almond ice cream bars…180 calories. I had my first one tonight and they ARE GOOD!

And I’m learning…if I eat something I really like, rather than eating something just because it’s so-called diet, one is enough. I don’t feel the urge to binge or even to eat another one. These bars are 180 calories, more than I would normally allow myself. But when I look at the calorie count with a logical, normal thought process, it’s only about 60 calories more than a typical 120 cal diet bar.

This might sound strange to most people but for me, this is progress. It’s taken 56 years, but I think I’m finally learning how to be normal! And although sometimes I still get obsessive or fearful or overly self-critical, it feels good to be normal at least some of the time.

So, what do you say?!?!? LET'S HEAR IT FOR NORMAL!!!

This morning...

I remember thinking…“oh good, a slow day, I can get lots done.” Instead all hell broke loose at work today. I ended up not getting out of the office until almost 7. Never fear! The work I had planned to do today will still be waiting for me tomorrow. To tell the truth, I think these hectic types of days are kind of fun. Definitely not boring.

But that meant I didn’t have a chance to work out today. It can’t be helped so I’m not going to beat myself up. That’s part of my therapy…Dammit! Stop being such a perfectionist! Just because I made a decision to work out 6 days a week, only working out 5 days doesn't make me an abject failure.

Still, the thought goes through my mind…I probably could have worked out after work, even though it would have made me really late getting home as well as really hungry and cranky. Hub probably would have been really crabby too… he hates when I don’t tell him ahead of time if I’m going to be late, because what he prepared for dinner doesn’t get served within the proper timeframe. What a baby! Just kidding, I know I’m so lucky to have someone who does all the cooking, especially since it’s healthy food. So the choice was between being stressed out and hungry…or…relaxed and not hungry. Add in the fact that hubby wouldn’t be mad because the dinner was dried out. Hmmm. Why did this seem like such a dilemma at the time?

(By the way, dinner was grilled chicken tacos with homemade coleslaw...the sauce was made with buttermilk and low fat sour cream…totally delicious.)

Tomorrow I should be able to fit in a workout in the late afternoon. Hey, I could still make my 6 days a week goal if I don’t take Sunday off…or maybe I could work out all 7 days next week…or…maybe I could work out twice as long tomorrow to make up for today…or…

Oh, yeah, there I go again…

Excuse me while I slap myself up the side of my head.

Here I Am!

I can’t believe I haven’t posted since last Thursday! I’ve had such a busy week…yet I can’t really pinpoint what I’ve been doing. I’m really sorry I haven’t visited or commented on anyone’s blog lately. I’ll try to get caught up on what’s going on in everyone’s life.

For about two weeks now, I have been working out a lot, mostly at Curves, where I’ve been doing between 45 minutes and an hour, at top speed so that I’m really sweating when I’m done. I’ve also been walking a lot.

Diet has been mostly good too. I’ve been taking my food to work every day (about 800 calories for the day) and then for dinner…we've been having a a big salad or veggies, with some fish or meat. Then a 100 cal treat, like a WW ice cream bar or some fruit. I think everything adds up to about 1500-1600 calories a day. I’ve also been really trying to drink more water and get to bed at a decent hour so I’m not so tired…you know, all those things they say will help you lose weight. Duh.

I’m actually feeling the difference already! Hub even commented that I was getting really skinny…well, that’s quite an exaggeration and he always says that whenever he wants something, if you know what I mean (ha ha). But I do feel better and I'm already noticing my arms getting toned like when I used to lift weights a lot. Not necessarily skinnier, I just feel as if I’m standing taller, and PMT seems to be receding a bit. We’ll see what the scale says on Friday…

In other news…B has been quite perky and not limping at all. Yay! I took him for a couple of 30 minute walks (strolls) this weekend, and then I went off on my own for some real cardio. I’m still a bit sad when I think about how much fun we used to have on our really long walks in the past, but I’m just so glad that he’s his old happy self.

I’m a bit pissed about the TV schedule…Biggest Loser, Dancing with the Stars, and Hells Kitchen all on the same night and at the same time. Grrrr. We have to DVR one (HK) and then switch back and forth between the other two.

Well, the shows are almost over, I still need to clean up the kitchen and take B outside before we go to bed. I’ll try to visit everyone in the next few days. Take care!

I've Got Good News and Bad News

The good news: Buster’s mouth problems are resolving slowly, and last night he seemed like his old self…in really good spirits…so happy to see me when I got home from work and eager to eat his dinner.

The bad news: The vet says he has “elbow dysplasia.” This usually affects larger breeds which is why she didn’t suspect it originally.

The good news: The vet says it is fortunate we figured out early what this is so we can manage it properly. She said sometimes people don’t pay attention to their dog’s limping until it gets really bad, and then it’s a lot harder to treat.

I’d heard of hip dysplasia before, but never heard of elbow dysplasia so (of course) I’ve been doing research. Here are a few excerpts from one of the websites I visited:

Elbow dysplasia refers to the abnormal development of certain parts of the elbow joint during the growing phase of a dog's life. Some areas of the joint may have a disruption of normal cartilage development or failure to fuse during growth resulting in an uneven joint surface, inflammation, joint swelling, lameness and arthritis.

Lameness may recur with hard exercise but often responds to a few weeks of rest and anti-inflammatory medication. Exercise should be modified to be moderate and regular in order to maintain good muscle tone, but not to load the joints excessively.

The bad news: Right now I’m feeling super guilty because since I got him about 4 years ago, our time together has always included LONG power walks on the weekends…sometimes we’d walk 5 miles…maybe I added to the damage and the pain he’s feeling. And I feel sad because our walks were one of the main ways we spent fun time together.

The final good news: Now that we know what is wrong, we can adjust! B and I can still do some walking, and I’ve started him on regular anti-inflammatories, which is no doubt why he’s feeling better. I’m also going to find a naturopathic vet, to see what else might help him. Diana gave me a name of a good one in this area, so I’ll be checking that out. (Thanks so much, Diana...love ya for that)

On another note, tonight I’m taking my mom to the symphony and staying overnight with her in Tacoma. Heavy sigh. At least it appears the weather will be cooperating for the driving I’ll have to do. I hate driving in the rain.

Anyway, I’ll be out of touch for the next day, so I’ll see you all in a day or two. Take care.

Buster Update...

1. Still waiting on x-ray results on his leg. The radiologist will call me with the results, I guess in the next day or two.
2. While he was anesthetized, the vet did an thorough exam of his mouth, throat, ears, etc, and there was no lesion or injury that could be seen.
3. He seems to be closing his mouth occasionally...he actually had been getting a tiny bit better over the last few days so whatever it was it was resolving on its own.
4. Right now he’s very agitated from the anesthetic. Pacing, lying down, getting up, more pacing, etc.
5. I haven’t been able to get him to drink or eat anything so I finally just forced a little water down his throat. That actually seems to have calmed him down a little.
6. I haven’t seen him pee since I got him home at 5 p.m.
7. I’m hoping he calms down soon, as I’m exhausted and I want to go to bed.

So...the good news is there’s nothing obvious with his mouth and that’s a big relief. I’ll keep you posted when I hear from the radiologist about his leg.

Data collection

I’ve been feeling so good mentally and physically lately…strong and calm and peaceful. I want to keep this up, so I’ve been trying to analyze what’s changed since this time last year…
1. Therapy
2. Antidepressants
3. Exercise
4. Eating normally (i.e. not compulsively)

I honestly don’t think I’ll ever go back to where I was up until March of this year. So much of the anguish and pain seems to have been stripped out of my soul. But the question is: Is there anything that could cause me to go back to the mirror phobia, scale obsession, body hatred, and compulsive eating of the past? I’d like to think the changes are permanent, but I’m still a bit afraid to trust that they are. I’m trying to figure out how to test the waters. Not having weighed myself for a few months (not weighing was part of my therapy), I decided one way to test was to weigh myself and see what happens...

So I weighed myself yesterday. 176. It wasn’t exactly what I was thinking it would be (I had the figure 173 in my mind). But I didn’t freak out, in fact I didn’t feel anything…which is a new feeling in and of itself…I remember thinking “176...not great but not bad."

I also reflected on when I had started my blog and I weighed 184 and I was SO unhappy and freaked out and miserable. Now, whether the number had been 184 or 174 or 164, considering my mental state, I still would probably have been unhappy and freaked out and miserable. But the fact is...I’ve gone down 8 lbs since Christmas 2008. It wasn’t done with starvation or anguish or dieting. Yes, I watched what I ate the majority of the time, but I also enjoyed good times and good food when the occasions presented themselves. Sometimes I exercised a lot and sometimes I didn’t exercise much. And yet I still lost 8 lbs without really even paying much attention. I honestly think it was because I stopped trying so damn hard to lose weight.

Still, I’d like to weigh 168. For my height and bone structure and age, 168 is probably a good weight and a reasonable goal. So I have 8 more lbs to go and it would be helpful to be able to know if the number is going in the right direction. But how do I handle the “data collection” to help me move toward that goal? I got to thinking about how Roxie puts her weight at the end of her posts, with no value judgment attached. That seems like a good idea. It takes the power away from the number. I might become less emotionally involved with the number if it’s just a number. A bit of desensitization therapy, if you will.

So each Friday from now on, I'll weigh myself and put the number at the end of my posts. Starting now:

176#

A Tribute & a New Wrinkle

9/11 ceremony at our City Hall this morning
(click to enlarge)

I usually have Fridays off, but I went in to work this morning briefly to participate in my Fire Department's annual Patriot Day remembrance ceremony. It’s been 8 years, but I think it is so important to remember what happened. My prayers go out to anyone who suffered a loss on that terrible day.

As for the new wrinkle...no, I'm not talking about my face. (There are so many wrinkles there I wouldn't notice if I got another one! lol) Last night I noticed that B was walking around with his mouth open slightly and drinking tons of water. Not only that, but after he would drink, the water bowl was all cloudy and kind of slimy. I know…Yuck & TMI!

This was so weird that this morning, I called and got an appointment at the vet for this afternoon. We just got back…we’re getting to be pretty well known there! The vet did an exam of his neck and head and looked in his mouth and throat and couldn’t see anything. She kept saying “This is very strange.” He didn’t have a temperature and he isn’t exhibiting any distress, in fact he seems pretty perky and is eating fine. Her thought is that something is caught up in his soft palette but he would need to be anesthetized so they can take a look to find out for sure.

Since B was scheduled for x-rays on his leg next Friday, she suggested getting him in sooner, so we’re now scheduled for Monday morning. I'll have to take the morning off of work, but it will be totally worth it. This way they can take a look at everything, and it will be a relief to have the procedure over. I just hope that they can come up with something definitive on both issues. I’m glad that he doesn’t seem to be uncomfortable or in pain...this makes it easier to wait until Monday.

It’s supposed to be a beautiful weekend, in the 80's, which is nice because I have a lot of work to do outside. After an amazing bumper crop this summer (the biggest I’ve ever had), the tomatoes are mostly finished so I need to clean out the pots. There’s also quite a bit of cleanup to do around the exterior of the house.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend...enjoy this last gasp of summer!

"I Think You're Swell..."

Since I’ve started my blog, I’ve been given a few blog awards. I’ve always been flattered but I can never seem to find the energy or get organized enough to follow up on them. There are always things you’re supposed to do when you receive the award…post it on your website...link your site back to the giver…pass it on to a certain number of other bloggers…tell others why you like a particular blog…or variations on that. I'm sorry but DANG!!!…that’s too much like work!

I also see that almost every blog I follow has already received tons of awards so that often means I’d just be giving the award to someone who already has a lot. And how do I choose my favorites from all the blogs I follow? Each is creative and interesting and fun to read or I wouldn't be following it.

I've decided to do something different so I designed an award that's not for blogs...it's for bloggers. (Yes, I know the artwork is a bit amateurish...but who can resist that face?) I'm giving it to the folks who have personally given me support and advice and friendship. These are the people who consistently comment on my posts...I always know I'm going to get feedback from them...they let me know they care about me and what’s going on my life, no matter how mundane it is.

There is no “requirement” to pass this award on… you can post it on your website… or not… if you feel like it, you can pass it on to any other blogger who has consistently been there for you with comments and encouragement and kindess.

Drum roll please…I hereby present
The “I THINK YOU’RE SWELL” award!

The AWARD goes to:
True Heart Jersey Girl
Diana
Tena
JC
TJ
Fatinah
Tammy
Fat[Free]Me
F. McButterpants
Roxie
Losing Waist
Patty

I've never met you, but you are my friends...
Love ~ Graciela

(P.S. I'm not gonna leave each of you a comment about this...I figure you each will find out somehow...☺)

Dog Tales

Tale #1
I called and got an appointment to take B in for x-rays on Friday, Sept 18, the soonest I could get him in. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that his limping is nothing serious. We went for a short walk yesterday after I got home from work, and by the time we were through, he could barely walk. Then last night he was very restless. Normally he sleeps all night through, but last night, about 3:30 he got up on the bed and wanted me to pet him. He went back to sleep next to me after I petted him for about 10 minutes, but it was very uncharacteristic of him to do that…I don’t know what it means, but of course my imagination is running wild. But this morning he seemed just fine...he wasn't limping and he ate his morning treat just like normal…so we shall see.

Tale #2
Sunday my mom called and said she thought her dog Dusty needed to “be with Dad.” (Mom has/had two dogs, Dusty and Bonnie.) So Monday, Labor Day, I drove down to her house and we took Dusty to the emergency vet and had her euthanized.

Dusty, who was about 8 years old, had a lot of physical and mental problems throughout her life, and my parents had spent a lot of time and money trying to figure out what was wrong with that dog, without much success. In the past few weeks, Dusty had gotten so she couldn’t walk very well because her back legs had gotten very weak, but she was also so vicious that she was really scary. And this wasn’t a new thing…this was a dog that hadn’t been petted by anyone for years (except my dad), because she would bite you if you touched her. And she had actually bitten my mom several times when she tried to give her a pill or put her on a leash or whatever. I don’t know why my mom put up with it for as long as she did, except because Dusty had been my dad’s dog, I think Mom was trying to hold onto a bit of Dad in Dusty. And that dog went into the afterlife just as mean and ornery as she had been in life…she tried to bite the vet techs and the vet even after being given a sedative to calm her down before the final goodbye.

You all know what a dog-lover I am, but I am very relieved that Dusty is gone. I was worried that she was going to really hurt my mom or Bonnie. I called Mom yesterday and she is doing just fine, so although she cried over it, I think she is secretly relieved too.

Tale #3
As I was going to work this morning, I saw a small black dog get hit by a car about 3 cars ahead of me. The dog got up and kept running, so apparently it wasn’t hurt too badly. The car that hit it kept going like nothing happened, although since the dog kept running I guess there really wasn’t much they could do. I drove down the street in the direction that the dog ran, but I couldn’t find anything. I can’t get this out of my mind…I do hope that that little dog is okay.

Sorry to post such downer stuff, but that’s about all that’s been happening in my world...I hope everyone is having a better day than I am!

Sweet B

B is starting to limp worse even with the anti-inflammatory, so yesterday I took him back to the vet. She did another exam and still seemed to think he has arthritis.

I did ask her if she knew for sure it wasn’t something else…like cancer. She reassured me that if it was bone cancer he would be in a lot of pain (and he really doesn’t seem to be in much pain at all). But she said the only way to know for sure is to have pictures taken, so I’m going to take him in sometime in the next few weeks for an x-ray. He will have to be completely sedated so that they can get several pictures in different poses, and that’s a worry to me. But what else can we do?

This morning, we went to the park and there’s an area that I just did laps while B hobbled around in a smaller inside circle where I could keep an eye on him. I was able to get my 45 minutes of exercise, and B just got to mosey around sniffing all the messages left by other dogs.

A few minutes ago, I was channel surfing and noticed the show Ruby on the guide. I have never watched Ruby, mostly because it’s not on one of my normal stations, but I’ve read other bloggers discussing the show. I thought I'd see what it was all about so I switched it on about half-way through the episode. There were a bunch of ladies discussing how to eat healthy...

So far so good...But after the commercial break…

It was Ruby crying about having to put her dog down!

Crap! That’s all I need right now.

I immediately switched back to the previous channel, so my one foray into watching Ruby was not very successful.

Anyway, I'll keep you updated on what's wrong with B as I know more. In the meantime, if you wouldn’t mind…please say a prayer for my little dog, that whatever is wrong with him is nothing serious.

Therapy Recap

I haven’t talked about Dr D much lately because I’m feeling less compelled to re-hash what we’ve talked about. It’s mostly because I feel like I’m getting a lot better. All the talking about my childhood seems to be taking away some of the emotional power it has had over me my whole life. Still, I would like to share what I’ve been experiencing.

I seem to be less emotional and more introspective when she and I are discussing my past. I don’t cry nearly as much as I did when I first started therapy. Oh, I still get teary eyed almost every session, but the overwhelming grief I was feeling back then, which would lead to uncontrollable weeping, seems to have dissipated. I’m able to look at my childhood in a more analytical way, and I’ve been finding myself checking my responses to triggers, such as the “guilt inducing” way my mother talks to me. What used to drive me crazy or to binge or to just feel generally stressed out…rather than automatically react now, I try to logically think about how to best handle the situation.

Another thing I’m trying to work on…I started to realize that I have so many contrived “rules” for myself, it makes me tired when I start actually thinking about all of them. Dr D has started to give me little “homework” assignments…I’m supposed to break my own rules. So a few times a week, I’ve been pushing myself to do things out of my comfort zone.

I know it sounds weird but I’ve always dressed in fairly nondescript clothing, mostly black or gray or brown or beige. My closet is full of colorful clothes, but I hardly ever actually wear any of them. I’ve never wanted to draw attention to myself or my body. So one of my “assignments” has been to wear brighter colors to work on the days I don’t have to wear my uniform. Yesterday I wore a purple sweater with a purple and pink scarf. After I put them on, I almost turned around to go change. Instead I just told myself not to be silly and went to work. And I was amazed when several people actually complimented me…”you look so good in that color!”

I’ve also been trying to eat in front of people…another thing that probably sounds like a strange goal to most people. But because of all the criticism I got from my mom whenever I would eat anything she considered fattening, I've never been comfortable eating in social situations. So I'd do just about anything to avoid eating in front of people. Well…I actually ate a donut in a meeting a few days ago! Now you may think that eating a donut is a bad thing. But for me, to eat one donut in front of others, rather than eat a dozen by myself in my car, is a sign of progress.

The more I allow myself to do normal things…like wearing colors or eating a donut…the less self-conscious and more accepting of myself I’ve been feeling.

This week has gone well for both the eating and exercising too. I’ve worked out 4 days in a row and I’ve been drinking tons of water. I’ve been eating about 1,500 calories a day, which seems to be about right for me.

So that’s about it for now. I hope everyone has plans for a nice holiday weekend. I know I’m looking forward to it.

Psssst...Did You Know...

...if you drink LOTS of water, and eats LOTS of watermelon...you will pee LOTS! lol