Trying something different

Hub and I started this program a few days ago:

We saw the author on Dr. Oz a few weeks ago, and decided to give it a try. I would like to lose these last 10 lbs (they are so stubborn...I get rid of them...then within a month or two, they ever-so-stealthily creep back) and my love handles. Meanwhile, Hub would like to lose 100 lbs. To be truthful, I'm mostly doing it to support him, but the concept is very interesting.

One very early observation is that eating protein first thing in the morning (within 30 minutes of getting out of bed) definitely helps control my craving for carbohydrates later in the day, and my overall mood seems to be much more upbeat.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Yucky Friday

Yuck! It's been raining and raining all morning. Heavy rain. Buster hates the rain for 2 reasons…he hates the noise, and it also means we don't go to the park. Poor B. I'm hoping it clears up a bit this afternoon so we can go to the P-A-R-K. It's what he lives for.

I was going to spend some time on the treadmill this morning, but it's in the rec room which also functions as an office for hub's bookkeeper Monday through Friday. Some times it doesn't bother me to use it while she's there, but today I wasn't in the mood to exercise "in front of" anyone. Not that she even cares or notices, it's just the way I'm feeling today. I'm thinking I'll wait until she leaves about 4, and work out then.

In the meantime, I'm trying not to feel guilty for just sitting on my butt and watching TV. I just had 2 Orowheat sandwich thins, toasted, with butter and peanut butter. Damn, I love peanut butter. I had one but it wasn't enough, so I had another. Probably about 600 calories. Along with coffee, I'm probably at about 800 calories. And it's noon, so I guess that's okay.

I had a weird dream last night. I gave myself liposuction. I got a syringe from somewhere and actually sucked the fat out of my love handles. I remembering being quite pleased with myself. Then I woke up. I don't know what that was all about, unless it was from watching a show on Dr Oz about plastic surgery a few days ago.

I do have a very strong dislike of my love handles. No matter how much I work on my self-esteem, and even though truthfully I am getting more "okay" with the rest of my body, I do focus on the love handles. I often find myself grabbing the one on the right as I am driving or getting dressed or just walking around the house. Yeah, weird, I know. I sometimes think if I wish hard enough, they will go away. They've never been too responsive to exercise, and while sometimes they get smaller, they are always there no matter what I weigh. Genetics, I guess. They make me very self conscious, and I would get lipo if I had a few extra thousand dollars to throw around. Except my hub would have a fit, he knows that a lot of my body issues are totally in my head. He says I need to work on what's in my head more than my body. Yes, I know he's right.

Well, even if I don't work out right now, I can at least do something productive. I think I'll go do some laundry.

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Dieting vs. Restricting...a Fine Line

Thanks for all your well wishes from my last post. I've completely recovered from whatever bug I had.

I saw Dr D yesterday. I had the day off on Monday for MLK Day, so I spent the day with my mom. My mom is always a good topic for therapy, so for the bulk of the session, Dr D and I talked about how the day went. Then, with about 15 minutes left, she asked how my eating was going.

I immediately said “Good!" Then, "Well, okay I guess. The truth is, I hadn’t actually eaten anything today until right before I came here to see you.”

"What’s up with that???" she asked. I wasn't sure, so we discussed. Here's what happened:

When I got up on Wednesday morning, I was running a bit late. 95 percent of the time, I take my food to work with me (2 small sandwiches on 100-cal bread, yogurt, fruit…usually whatever I take adds up to around 800 calories). Dr D has been tellings me I should be less rigid with myself, so that morning I told myself…”I’m just going to eat whatever I want today"…(always within reason, of course).

I was feeling very positive and "normal" when I left home. Actually I was kind of proud of myself. But when I got to work is when things went downhill. I didn't have any of my regular food, so I was at a loss as to what to eat.

About 10 a.m., I went out for coffee with a friend I haven’t seen in a long time, and at the coffee store, I looked at the pastries in the case. My rational self said…"Have the banana bread! It's a good healthy choice!" I really wanted that banana bread, and I knew I could/should have it. After all, I hadn’t eaten anything so far that day.

But that mean voice in my head said…"Don't be ridiculous...you know you shouldn’t eat that. And your friend will think you're too fat to eat that banana bread. He'll probably make fun of you after you leave. You know you don’t deserve to eat that." All of a sudden, I felt a flush of emotions (mostly fear and anxiety). So instead I just ordered a drip coffee.

When I went back to work, I still didn’t eat anything...again, because I hadn't brought anything. I had a ton of work to get done, so I just didn't think about eating. In fact, I didn’t even feel hungry and was kind of going with that flow. I actually started feeling exhilarated...thin...in control. (These are very familiar feelings, ED feelings...kind of like taking drugs.)

In the back of my mind, I knew I really WAS (physically) hungry, but it was easy to ignore once I got into "that mode".

About 2:30, I was talking to a co-worker when I started to get heart palpitations. I sat down at my desk and tried to analyze what was going on. (It crossed my mind to tell someone, but in my office, you don't ever want to mention you don't feel well. Because they'll call one of our aid cars and it's very likely you'll end up on a gurney on the way to the hospital.)

Anyway, it was at that point my rational brain took over. So I drank a big glass of water (my first fluid of the day besides 2 cups of coffee), and started to feel a little better. And on my way to see Dr D at 3:30, I stopped and got a fish sandwich from Wendy's. Of course, even under those circumstances, I still automatically checked the calories before I made my choice...450-600.

So, when Dr D and I finally got around to discuss my eating, and I was honest with her, she said "You know, restricting to the point of heart palpitations can lead to heart attacks." That kind of scared me. My dad died from a heart attack and there is a lot of heart disease on his side of the family. I'm definitely tempting fate when I get into these weird eating patterns.

Why do I do this? That mean voice still lurks. Since I don't really binge anymore (from emotional hunger), my problem is sometimes I don't recognize real (physical) hunger. Or I choose to ignore it, because the mean voice starts criticizing me. If I get out of my normal routine at all, things go awry.

So, my question is...what's the difference between restricting vs. dieting? (The website that described the heart palpitations is a really good website that helps explain eating disorders vs dieting.)

Dr D and I talked about "normal eating" until our session ended. Dr D believes that our bodies know what we really need. Our bodies are wonderful and complex and amazing, and if we just trust our bodies, we will end up at our perfect healthy weight. That idea is intriguing but scary to me, because I've NEVER trusted my body. I grew up being taught that we have to deny our bodies. Food was bad...evil...always THE ENEMY. I have always put more belief in what the mean voice says, rather than what my rational adult self tells me. Trusting my body and listening to the new (positive) voice is something I'm still learning.

The other day, my friend Diana said she wished she was like me and several other folks because she said we'd made peace with food. I'm not sure I belong in that elite group (yet!) based on what happened yesterday. Yes, I’m better than I was a few years ago, but I still have some weird disordered eating habits and a screwy mindset. I guess I just need to be aware and keep working on it.

Well, this was a rather long, boring post. A lot of stuff seems to be going on, so I just felt like ruminating for a while. If you're still around...thanks for reading!

The Big Chill(s)

So much for welcoming the New Year! I have been sick with the crud for the last week. The worst part was the hot flashes followed by chills. I'm feeling better but still not 100 percent. It's weird that I got this sick, because I got a flu shot in November. Well, maybe this wasn't the flu. Who knows? There's so much stuff going around right now.

The bad news is...I haven't worked out at all for the last week. The good news...I didn't feel like eating, so I didn't, except when Hub would bring me soup or Diet 7-up. Bottom line is...the scale showed zero change.

This will be a short post, because I went to work today for the first time since last Tuesday and now I'm totally exhausted. There was so much work on my desk today, it made me want to turn around and go home.

Anyway, I waded through some of it, prioritized a few things, and made a few phone calls. At one point, I was on the phone with a contractor and was taken with a violent coughing spell. I had to squeak out, in between coughs, that I would call him back. He must have thought I was dying. By that time, it was 3 o'clock, so I went home just a bit early.

Well, time for bed. I think I'll feel better after a good night's sleep. Maybe I'll go in late.

See ya!

And don't forget to to wash, wash, wash your hands! You never know what bad bug is lurking out there.

Thank You, 2010...Welcome, 2011!

Wow, we had the most fun New Year’s Eve ever! The food at the VFW was mediocre, but the band was great and the drinks were plentiful. Hub was designated driver, so the rest of us imbibed with abandon. And even though the men weren't that interested in dancing, the ladies danced up a storm. Men, who needs them?...to dance with, anyway. lol.

As I said, the food was not very good, my meat and vegetables were like rubber (I took the meat home to B, he loved it), but I ate both my own twice-baked potato and my friend’s too. You can keep your bread, pasta and rice...but I just love Love LOVE potatoes. It's hard to screw up a twice-baked potato, I guess. Then the dessert was red velvet cake with an inch-thick cream cheese frosting. I know they didn’t make it there at the VFW. I kind of wish I knew where it came from, but then again…better to NOT KNOW! It was delicious and decadent.

I woke up with a bit of a hangover on New Year’s Day, so I drank a huge glass of water, took B to the park, and then worked out. I felt much better after that. And right then and there I got back to eating healthy and working out.

I have been thinking about Roxie’s New Year’s Eve post “The Final Weigh In” in which, rather than focus on what the scale says, she told us what she’s “gained”…what she’s learned and the positive changes she made in 2010. I hope she doesn’t mind if I copy cat her.

In 2010, I was blessed. With the help of a wonderful therapist as well as many other loving people:

• I gained knowledge about my past, and an understanding of how that past contributed to my bouts of depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. As a result, I was able to lose some of the fear, grief, and anger that has held me back from living my life to the fullest.

• I gained experience in handling my mother’s criticism. I learned that she doesn’t always see the world in a sane way, so her criticism of my weight and my appearance is not valid.

• I gained a new loving voice to respond to the mean voices in my head, the self-hating ones that constantly told me I wasn’t worthy of love or of enjoying life.

• I gained (some) ability to be more realistic about my weight and how others see me. I still have a long way to go, but I’m definitely better.

• I gained a better understanding of the fact that food is not my enemy.

• I gained some very special friends through the blogging world, most (too many to name) I’ve never met…one I have met…and one I'm planning to meet in March!

• Most of all, I’ve gained a sense of self-worth that I never had before. I learned that I’m a smart, capable, valuable, attractive human being, even when I’m not the thinnest person in the room.

So… Thank you, 2010, for being the best year of my life... so far! I'm counting on 2011 to be even better.