Bye for now...

I haven't had much to say lately. That's partly because when I do post, I don't get much feedback. There are a few special bloggers out there, who always comment and offer support. You know who you are, and I love you for it.

But, other than those faithful folks…well, I've honestly tried to branch out, and leave comments on lots of other weight loss blogs, but I never seem to get many reciprocal comments. As a result, I've lost a lot of the "joy" of blogging, which, let's be honest, is very much related to getting feedback and comments, especially when I've tried to reach out to others.

I've tried to analyze why this is. The first thought is...I'm just really boring. But then I thought about it some more...and I think it's because I don't really fit in with the "weight loss" crowd. I don't really know what you live with every day. I have a whole other set of issues that really aren't about weight loss, or food. My issues are thinking I'm fat when I'm not; they are about a severely distorted body image and a variety of social phobias related to eating, due to childhood trauma. And I don't think that is the type of thing that people who are really trying to lose a lot of weight, or maintain a weight loss, want to read about. We all have a limited amount of time and energy to spend blogging, and it's natural to spend it on and with people who are struggling with the same issues.

So, I'm just going to take a break from blogging. I'll still visit my favorite blogs and comment. Because even though I don't know you personally, there are so many of you that I truly love and appreciate and admire.

Take care.

Screwy Perceptions

Perception is a funny thing. As I said in one of my recent posts, I had gained two pounds. The number that showed on the scale made me feel very fat.

But if I had seen that number 6 months ago, when I weighed about 10 lbs more than I do now, it would have made me feel very skinny.

The fact is, whether the number on the scale was two pounds one way or the other, or even if it was still the 10-lbs-heavier number, all should be fine. They are all "normal" weights.

I spent a lot of time talking to Dr D about my screwed up perceptions. I have come to the conclusion that I actually "like" my eating disorder in some strange way. It is like an old friend. Kind of like drugs, I think. Although it often makes my life miserable, it also gives me a lot of comfort, even happiness sometimes (when my weight is going down), so it is hard to actually give it up. Dr D says it is probably because constantly thinking about my weight and being involved in disordered eating patterns, is less stressful than thinking about what happened to me as a child and dealing with that.

I suppose there is some truth to that.

Dr D decided to give me a test that is normally given to anorexics, regarding body image and self-worth associated with weight. Even though she and I have now been working together over a year, my numbers were still off the chart, much higher than even "average" anorexics. This seemed odd to me, especially since I'm not anorexic. And it was a bit discouraging. But Dr D says I just need patience, it takes time to change ingrained perceptions. (And money…I'll probably run out of money before I run out of patience...lol)

Dr D thinks my numbers are so high because anorexics often develop their anorexia as a result of outside social pressure or from stress, as a way to control their lives. Meanwhile, my eating disorder was developed as a result of having a mother who was anorexic and she imprinted upon me from the youngest age possible that we (both of us) were worthless unless we were thin. Does that make sense?

I was talking to my mom on the phone yesterday, and she made an off-hand remark that she felt like a fat hog. I was ruminating on that remark, and she got really offended that I didn't just jump right in and contradict her…that I didn't say "Oh, Mom, you are not fat." In the past, that's what I would have said, but I don't want to go there anymore. I'm tired of enabling her in her own eating disorder. So instead I said, "You know, Mom, you and I have both spent our whole lives thinking we were fat when we are not. I wonder why that is?" That stopped her in her tracks. She really didn't have an answer, and she changed the subject. But it made me feel empowered to have actually said that to her. Baby steps.

Anyway, enough of this self-reflection! It's a beautiful day, and I need to take B to the park. Enjoy your weekend!

GUILTY

Count 1 - 1st degree Aggravated Murder - GUILTY

Count 2 - 1st degree Aggravated Murder - GUILTY

Count 3 - 1st degree Aggravated Murder - GUILTY

Count 4 - 1st degree Aggravated Murder - GUILTY

Count 5 - 1st degree Arson - GUILTY

The jury only deliberated a day and a half. When I heard that the verdict had come in so quickly, I knew in my heart that the news would be good. I just didn't know how good.

The main emotion I am feeling now is one of relief, and gratitude. It seems a bit distasteful to be "happy," in the sense that one thinks about that emotion. But in the overall scheme of this being the best outcome possible of a tragic situation...yes, I guess I am happy.

Now the case goes back to the same jury for the penalty phase. THE MURDERER (no more "alleged") will either get the death penalty or life in prison without possibility of parole. Either way...I know what I want to happen, but I'll be satisfied with whatever the jury decides. They have proven that they are a good jury.

(I am looking forward to getting my emotions, and therefore my life, food, etc, back to normal.)

Dogs at the Park

I love my Nano! It is so much fun to take videos on the spur of the moment.

There were a lot of dogs at the park today...the white one in the video is a Coton de Tulear.

No Surprises Here

With everything that's been going on, my "carby" eating, and not really working out much this week...it's no surprise that when I weighed myself this morning, I had gained 2 lbs from last week.

But I can deal with it. No freak out here. I mean, why should I freak out? I know why it happened. It's called "normal" weight gain...logical weight gain, based on the laws of physics. It would have been "not normal" to have not gained any weight. I feel good that I'm starting to think about this weight thing in a more reasonable, less emotional way.

In about an hour, B and I are going with Pam and Olive and Kermit for the Big Walk. It's such a beautiful day. I was surprised to see frost on the ground this morning, but it's starting to warm up and the temp should be just right for a good walk.

Closing

Today…finally…closing arguments.

My Deputy Chief and I got to the courthouse about 8 a.m. to get a seat in the packed courtroom. Court started at 9 a.m. The first half hour was jury instructions, by the extremely capable Judge.

Then our Prosecutor started his summation. He talked for almost 2 hours. He was fantastic. I am so proud of him. Close to the end he talked about how the victims fought furiously for their lives. If they hadn't fought so hard, we would probably never know who had done this to them. But their DNA tells the story of what happened.

When our Prosecutor described how these beautiful women struggled for their lives...struggled against the coward who had invaded their home in the dark of night...I cried. I saw what they had gone through. It haunts me still. I witnessed the aftermath, the fire, the blood, the nightmarish chaos. It is beyond imagining, what they went through. And the 2 beautiful little boys...babies, literally...3 and 5 years old. Throats slit. How could someone do such a thing.

The Defense Attorney tried to implant the seeds of doubt. Silly stuff, out of left field. Mountains of evidence, but a few small things are supposed to make the Jurors have "reasonable doubt." Please. I know this man is doing his job, but I hate him. I hate him almost as much as I hate his "Client."

Our wonderful Prosecutor had the last word. Rebuttal. He did an incredible job of Rebuttal. He pointed out how ridiculous the Defense's arguments were.

But still...I am scared. Jurors are human. They may believe the unbelievable things the Defense said. Doubt. Reasonable Doubt. That's what they call it. Reasonable Doubt. I'll admit...I am so fucking scared of so-called Reasonable Doubt.

But I am glad things are coming to a close. If for no other reason than it has been going on for so long. Almost 4 years. So many people are waiting for JUSTICE. They deserve JUSTICE.

It's now in the hands of the Jury.

...So how did I handle it?

I sat with my co-workers and friends. At breaks, we hugged each other with tears in our eyes. We had gone through this experience together, so today we shared our feelings without the need to speak about it.

I spoke to the victims' family members, wonderful people. Today, we were all family, due to our shared experience and our mutual love for the victims. Even though I didn't know the victims before the crime occurred, as a result of the work we did during the investigation, I know them now.

Then...

I ate bagels, pizza, candy, and doughnuts.

Then...

I had several drinks afterwards with a friend who understands.

I don't feel guilty or bad about that. The fact is...today I felt an incredibly urgent need to stuff away these feelings of sadness and anger bordering on rage.

I know I just need to get through this experience by whatever means necessary. If that involves food and alcohol, so be it.

When it's over, I can get back to normal. Today was not normal, and I know that. So I can deal with it, the feelings and my abnormal food response, and the alcohol. It is what it is.

It will all be over soon. I will get through this, because it is not about me. It's about 4 beautiful, innocent lives who were snuffed out in an unfathomably brutal way. I can't stop thinking about those sweet little boys, and how scared they must have been. It literally makes me sick. And how their mother and her sister fought Evil. Thank God they fought so hard, so that we can know who did this, this incredibly evil deed.

I hope this makes sense, I know I'm rambling. Thanks for being there.

Catch Up Post

Sorry I’ve not posted for a while. I really just haven’t had much to say.

I survived Easter without eating too much. The "survival" part was more related to spending time with my family, rather than over-eating. The good thing is, I am finding myself a bit less stressed these days during family get-togethers. I don’t realize it until after it is over, when I reflect that I didn’t get as anxious either before or during as I used to…although I definitely still do breathe a big sigh of relief when Hub and I are on our way home afterwards.

I do have a new activity I’m involved with…a few weeks ago, I was approached by one of the lead ushers at our church, asking me to consider being an usher “on her team.” Hub and I usually try to maintain a very low profile at church, we sit in the back, and that’s always been fine with us. But this lady is very nice, although a bit pushy. When I told her I would think about it…next thing you know, she’s introducing me (by e-mail) to the other ushers on the team. Well, what can I say, I figured what the heck. It’s been fun and not at all difficult or onerous. And everyone is so appreciative of the little extra effort it takes to be involved.

So far, I’d received training at just 2 (relatively sparsely attended) Saturday night services, and my first “on-my-own” ushering gig was…the 9 a.m. Easter Sunday service. Talk about a fast track to the Big Time! (ha ha) Compared to regular church services, Easter service is a whole ‘nuther animal! Crowded and crazy. After the service, one of the other ushers said, “For never having ushered on your own, you certainly do project confidence!” I think it is not confidence so much as bossiness...I found I have a low tolerance for people who try to save large blocks of seats (for family members who are supposedly "on their way") when there are people who have made the effort to get to church on time. "Shape up or ship out" is my motto. lol.

Closing arguments begin in the trial on Wednesday...at least that’s the schedule right now. You never know. The trial has been going since January 20, with things taking a lot longer than they should because of the Defense (my opinion). Whenever it is, I will be in attendance as well as several other people from my department. I want to look that POS in the eyes and see if I can detect any humanity at all. We've done our best, but if you could please say a prayer that the jury will be guided to do the right thing, I’d appreciate it. I am feeling very vindictive (after all I'm only human), so I know what outcome I want. To be honest, I'm feeling a bit guilty about that....but not a lot. The fact is it will be in God’s hands...Still I don't think it hurts to bend His ear a bit. So, thanks. I'll keep you posted on how things go with that.