The Sickness Inside ME

I'm starting to realize that anxiety feeds Eddie. The more anxious I am, the more Eddie starts yapping. Then the more I allow Eddie to be in control, the more anxious I get.

Although I never realized it before I started therapy, I am a very anxious person. I really thought I was pretty easy going. I guess that's because I am not normally anxious about work, or some of the other day to day things that "normal" people might get anxious about. At work, I do whatever needs to get done…then I leave it at the end of the day. I go home and seldom think about it again.

But I'm starting to realize...Personal stuff is totally different.

When I saw Dr D today, we started talking about how things were going. I realized that since Hub has been diagnosed with the blood clot…I have not eaten much. In fact, I'm probably not eating enough to help me keep my wits about me, so to speak. My appetite goes away, so I just stop eating. That's where it gets into a vicious cycle. The less I eat, the less I want to eat. As gross as this may sound, from the years of being bulimic, my gag reflex kicks in, and the thought of food is sickening. Since I no longer "allow" myself throw up, the alternative is...I don't eat anything.

I also have an tendency towards obsessive/compulsive behavior. And the more stressed out I get, the more OC I get. I feel the need to spend a lot more time arranging my closet "just so." I can't leave the house for work until I change clothes at least 3 times, including my earrings, scarves, belts...this goes on ad nauseum. Rather than being able to get ready to go to work in 1/2 hour, it takes me an hour or more. The more stressed I am, the more "perfect" everything has to be before I can walk out the door. For example…Would anyone notice that I'm wearing green earrings, rather than turquoise earrings? No, but I get into a dither about which earrings more exactly match what I'm wearing. (I'd probably be better off just wearing my uniform...easier and much quicker!)

But, for some reason, these activities (the food restriction and the OCD) help me cope, and give me a feeling of comfort and control. Then, I start rationalizing that because I am stressed out, I DESERVE to do these comforting activities, even though I know they are not healthy or helpful.

I'm so lucky to have a good therapist who brings me back to reality and who suggests healthy alternatives to these counterproductive coping mechanisms, that I am starting to realize I've used my whole life.

I'm also lucky to have such wonderful friends in the blogging world who have given me encouragement and kind comments on my last post. Your comments made such a difference in how I was feeling and it helped so much to know you care. Thank you all.

Hub is doing okay, the blood thinners do cause him to feel (and act) a bit strange, tired, and cold, so he is not exactly "himself." But we all know the alternative would not be good, so we can deal with it.

Today, I really do BELIEVE that…"This too shall pass."

Here's another good one! "Knowledge is power."

So, while I'm waiting for all those good things to kick in...I think I'll just kick Eddie to the curb.