Change of Plans

I saw my therapist, Dr. D, late this afternoon and felt the need to write a post about it. I hope I’m not stepping over any lines of propriety by telling my personal story. I know everyone has had bad experiences in their childhood, so I hope no one thinks I’m over-dramatizing mine. Part of the reason for telling this is because there may be other people out there who are going through similar struggles and they don’t know why.

Growing up, I thought everyone’s mom acted like my mom did. She had wild mood swings and we never knew what to expect. Sometimes she wouldn’t speak to me for days over some little thing. I remember when I was about 6 years old, crying and begging her to forgive me for whatever it was I had done, just so she would start talking to me again. When I was about 8 years old, I remember her becoming absolutely enraged...I don't know what I had done...but she came at me like she was going to scratch my eyes out. She screamed that she hated me and that she wished I’d never been born. She was often very cruel to both me and my brother. When my brother was in first or second grade (which means I was probably not even in school yet), she used to come unglued while she was "helping" him with his homework. He had trouble with math, so she would stand over him while he sat at the kitchen table trying to do his homework... and she would scream how stupid he was. and at the same time she would hit him over the head with his math papers again and again…I just remember being so terrified. And when I finally went to first grade, I was so totally petrified of arithmetic that I threw up once during class. The teacher thought I had the flu, but I was just so scared.

And I remember all these things as clearly as if they happened yesterday.

The bottom line is, Dr. D thinks my mom was mentally ill (specifically Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD, which I posted about a while back). Instead of protecting me, like moms are supposed to, she was the source of fear and great anxiety. Apparently when little kids are subjected to things like this, it can cause permanent changes in the brain, and long lasting and extreme effects. The experiences can cause recurring symptoms in adults similar to that of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).

But as a child you think it’s normal. Today I asked Dr. D…”You mean, your mom never screamed at you or slapped you?” Believe it or not, it’s hard for me to imagine that! Couple all this with my mom’s drinking and her anorexia and her critical comments about my weight even though pictures prove I was really a very skinny kid...as a young person, reality was totally distorted because of my mother’s illness.

Hence my struggles as a teenager and continuing now even as an adult… I suffered from bulimia from college until I was in my mid 30s, and I did seriously contemplate suicide while in college. Off and on I've suffered from depression to the point of needing anti-depressants. I have a fear of looking at myself in the mirror. I have ongoing angst about what I weigh and an obsession with my appearance. I eat compulsively after I see my mom, and Dr. D thinks its because my mom would criticize me for whatever I ate while I was growing up. Even though my mom is a different person now (she doesn’t drink anymore and she doesn’t fly off the handle), she is often still very manipulative and can cause reactions in me as if I’m a young child.

So, the mission now is to start moving forward. Dr. D and I have discussed some strategies for both dealing with my mom and how to improve my self-image and weight issues and to help with the mirror phobia.

When I was on vacation, I noticed that my body obsessions kind of subsided. The place we stayed had no full length mirrors so all I could see was my face and upper body. And I didn't have a scale, so I couldn't weigh myself. But when we got home and I could see my stomach and butt and legs, and I had access to my scale, I started to obsess again.

Based on this, Dr. D says the first step is that I should NOT look at my body in the mirror, so I’ll be putting away my full length mirror for a while. She also says I should not weigh myself. I need to separate myself from some of these triggers, at least temporarily.

At first I kind of freaked out…what if I gain a whole bunch of weight because I’m not weighing myself??? But you know, I don’t think that will happen, because my weight has never been the “real” problem for me. I’ve never been more than 20 lbs overweight in my entire life. And as evidenced by my anxieties subsiding while I was on vacation, I actually do better when I don’t see my body or weigh myself.

So, at least temporarily, the focus of this blog will be changing. No more weigh ins, so I’ll have to withdraw from the BLBE challenge. For now, I need to focus on my emotional issues coupled with healthy eating and exercise, which I should do anyway.

So...this won’t be a “weight loss blog” anymore. If I'm on a path to a healthy mind, I think the healthy body will follow. It’s not my intention to continue to focus on the pain of my childhood, because I'm a generally a positive person and I recognize my life now is full of blessings and good fortune. In order to move ahead, I did need to acknowledge the past, which I have done with this post. But from now on, I will be doing things which will contribute to my spiritual growth and physical well being.

Thanks for all your encouragement and support over the last few months. I really hope you will all continue to visit and comment.

~ Love, Graciela