It started with that stupid fucking cookie incident. I spent 3 days beating myself up over eating a fucking cookie. Everybody eats cookies or they wouldn’t make them, right? Cookies are part of normal life. Normal people eat cookies. Cookies are bad if you eat a dozen, but aren't one or two okay? But I set myself up that I’m not supposed to EVER eat cookies. Or rather...my mother set me up. I go insane before, during, and after I eat cookies (or cake or chips or ice cream or anything that is "bad"). My brain gets tired thinking about it. Why can't I have one cookie (and enjoy it)? Because my mother said so. And why wasn’t I supposed to eat cookies?
Because I was “FAT”! Oh yeah, I was SOOOO FAT!...
These pictures are of me growing up. Do I look look fat to you? Look at those stick legs. I sure don't look fat to me. You know what? ...I wasn't fat then and I'm not "fat" now. The fact is, I have NEVER been fat. Right now I'm 15 lbs over my "ideal" weight which is 162 lbs. The most I've EVER been "overweight" in my whole fucking life is about 25 lbs.I'm 56 years old and in excellent health. I can power walk 10 miles without getting tired. I'm very muscular from lifting weights and I can do 100 sit ups with no problem. My blood pressure, cholesterol, and blood sugar are excellent. I'm smart and funny and accomplished and talented and kind hearted. Many people even think I'm pretty. Eating one cookie is not going to change any of that, not one bit.
But I'm totally screwed up in my mind. And it makes me just fucking sad and mad and pissed and it's not fair what goes on in my head every fucking minute of every fucking day. Because the voice never shuts up: YOU FAT PIG, FAT FAT FAT, GOD DON'T EAT YOU'LL GET FAT, YOU ARE ALREADY SO FAT, WHY DON'T YOU STOP EATING, FATTY, WHY ARE YOU EATING THAT, YOU'RE TOO FAT, DON'T THINK ABOUT EATING THAT, IF YOU EAT THAT YOU'LL BE SORRY BECAUSE YOU'LL GET EVEN FATTER, HEY FAT GIRL, LOOK AT THAT FAT STOMACH, WHY ARE YOU SO FAT, HEY BIG BUTT WHAT ARE YOU EATING, IF YOU EAT THAT YOU WILL GET EVEN FATTER THAN YOU ALREADY ARE...
I want that FUCKING voice to SHUT UP. If it won't shut up, I'm just not going to listen any more. I'm damn tired of it. From now on, when I eat a cookie, it will be because I want to eat it and there is no reason I can't have it if I want it. The voice needs to shut the fuck up...It's just a cookie AND I'M GOING TO ENJOY IT.
Yeah! THATS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! I am glad to see you venting about this issue. It sucks, and you have the right to be sad and grieve over the situation.
ReplyDeleteI have a set of fancy parents who also did the "fat" thing to me. When I was underweight and swimming at a national level- at age twelve. They used to take pictures of me in my bathing suit to point out where there were issues... AND THERE WEREN'T ISSUES!
Well, I became exactly what they labled me as!
Wow. I told myself I was fat all through those years of physical bliss. I look back at those pictures and want to kick my parent's teeth in.
These things that you are going through are part of healing. Healing doesn't happen without strong emotional reactions.
I have felt those same things......
ReplyDeletevent girl vent......its good to let it out....
You were a beautiful little girl and a goregous (sp?) young woman and I bet you are still beautiful. It is good to vent. I'm so sorry you are dealing with these emotions but I think as you allow yourself to work through you will silence those voices. I changed my thoughts and as a result I changed my world. You will to. For each negative thought or voice that condemns you replace it with one that affirms you. You can do it and will be happier for trying. I'm proud of you.
ReplyDeleteJC is right on all accounts.
ReplyDeleteYou can turn this around. If you have to, make a list of affirmations you can refer to when needed. Till you get the hang of it.
I'm crying here. For you sweetheart. You can "reprogram" those negative thoughts that were set into your mind as you were growing up. YOU CAN! It takes a lot of daily affirmations to counter every single bad thought, but it is possible. For every abuse a person suffers, there is a path to healing. You were emotionally abused my friend, and you were a gorgeous human being with a right to live a normal life. You can find a way to reprogram your thoughts. PTSD sufferers can do it, alcoholics can do it, overeaters can do it, undereaters can do it, sexually abused can do it, emotionally abused can do it....there are programs and plans and books and paths to take...you can actively beat this...I believe in you.
ReplyDelete*clap* *clap* *clap* /with a standing ovation!
ReplyDeleteI'm soooo happy to read this post today. Good for you!
I could have written this exact post! I always thought I was 10 pounds overweight all through high school. 5' 6" and 132 pounds. Yes, I was a true fatty. I was such an idiot!
ReplyDeleteI'm also the queen of negative self-talk. I just had a conversation with my best friend this morning about it. I told her I was really good at it. She told me that was nothing to be proud of. She's so right!
Sounds like you're taking control of that perfectionist bitch that lives in your head. I need to do the same and follow your lead on this.
Great post!
Aww. I am sorry that this abuse has stuck with you for so long, but I am so happy that you are going to therapy to get it sorted out.
ReplyDeleteYou have every right to vent and be angry!
((hugs))
Fat my ass! Your mother transferred her issues to you. Not fair not cool!
ReplyDeleteBig big hugs!