I’ve kept records of my weight for the last 30 years. I was looking through my “weight file” today. Yes, I actually have a file that is just devoted to tracking my weight. It's two inches thick and contains charts, graphs, body fat percentages, BMI calculations, yearly average weight, yearly mean weight...on and on and on. The insane fact is…over the last 30 years, my weight is consistently about the same. The most I’ve ever weighed is 184 and the least is 156. The charts show that the vast majority of the time, for 30 fucking years, I have weighed between 172-174. Last Friday I weighed 172.
The one time in the last 30 years that I weighed 156 was in the early 1990’s and I remember that I literally starved myself for weeks to get there. I also remember although I thought I looked good, I was physically miserable every minute. Within 6 months I was back up to the mid-170's. My highest weight? A few times I've been in the low 180’s...typically right after a vacation when I’ve eaten and drunk whatever came along. But within a few weeks, I’m always back in the mid 170’s.
Still…I worry-worry-worry non-stop about what I weigh. According to various charts I should weigh around 165…or should I? I have big bones like everyone on my dad’s side of the family, and I'm very muscular for a woman 56 years old. Maybe I should weigh 172?
Sometimes I feel like a rat in a maze that has no exit. I just keep going around and around, up one dead end and down another, but I can’t escape no matter what I do. I might go further down one corridor of the maze temporarily, but then I always have to turn around and go back.
Dr D thinks I should just relax and enjoy life and forget about constantly trying to lose weight. It seems like I put an awful lot of blood, sweat and tears into losing weight only to end up at the same place over and over. She thinks that maybe if I stop trying, I’ll lose weight naturally and enjoy life at the same time. Is that possible? History seems to predict that I won’t gain much weight, if any. Maybe the constant food restriction that I impose on myself is partly responsible for my sporadic compulsive overeating, which causes me to never really "lose" weight permanently.
The thought of giving up the never-ending routine of food restriction, obsessing about reaching the “ideal weight”, and the constant pursuit of perfection (whatever THAT means???) actually makes me nervous…I think all this emotional activity is like a comfortable old sweatshirt. It's ugly and I'd be embarrassed if anyone saw me wearing it. But maybe I should throw it in the trash and get something new. Maybe, just maybe, I could get used to something new.
I think the question is "How do you feel each morning when you step on the scale? How does the number staring back at you make you feel? Does if change how you day goes?"
ReplyDeleteI've been working this year to remove any self-judgment when weighing. It's just a number kind a thing and that has helped. It's a hard habit to break, I know. Good luck.
This is ironic. Although I'm 100 lbs more, I too have maintained (or as I call it, hovered) around the same weight. I have toyed with the idea that perhaps this is the weight I am meant to be, as long as I am physically active and eating clean and consciously, then the number on the scale or the number on the size of my clothes should not matter. It is an interesting thought for sure. I'm 5'7, and I'm never going to be the weight that the national charts say I should be. I was aiming for 160....two years ago when I started this.
ReplyDeleteIf the charts say 165 plus or minus whatever, you're pretty much on target at 172... only 7 lbs off your "ideal" weight, which probably wasn't adjusted for age anyway. 7 lbs? I wouldn't even consider dieting unless you're 20 over.
ReplyDeleteDress up, be proud of your body. It is what it is, and you're obviously not unhealthy for 7 lbs.
I would love to hug you. I can so relate to keeping records although I haven't gone quite as far as having a two inch file. I agree with your doctor. If I were within 10 lbs of where the weigh chart says I should be I would be happy. Why don't you follow the doctor's advice and just see what happens. Put the scale away for a while and go by how you clothes fit.
ReplyDeleteHey, I wanted to thank you for the comment you left for me earlier this week. I'll be joining you with wearing braces, it should be an interesting and provide plenty blog post fodder for sure. HA!
I think you are on to something brilliant!
ReplyDeleteI have a folder too. They only problem with mine is the weight just kept going up, and not from muscles. But I have seen women that I would swear weight 30 pounds less than what they said they did. Maybe you could check your body fat percentage and if it is in the healthy range, as I am pretty sure it is, declare victory!!