Well, by now you’re probably getting tired of the “once-a-week after-therapy” post. It’s just that the experience is so intense that when it’s over, I still feel the need to continue to process it some more.
So, when I went in today, I SWORE I wasn’t going to cry. I’ve been feeling quite good with the antidepressants, and honestly believed there was nothing that was going to get to me today.
Ha.
Once again, about halfway through, I found myself on the verge of hysteria talking about something that had happened when I was a little girl…I started sobbing…I was overcome with sadness. Then I flashed on a post written by Lyn at Escape from Obesity about some dogs who had been subjected to an experiment in the 1960's. They were put in harnesses so they couldn't escape, and then they were given shocks. No matter how they struggled and cried, they had no control of what was happening to them. After a while, they just accepted the shocks. Even when they were able to get away later, they didn't. They had given up. I was relating this story to Dr D and all of a sudden, I just about came unglued. Imagining those poor dogs was almost more than I could bear. Then I realized... Those dogs were me! It was what I went through as a child. Back then, I think at some point, I just gave up and accepted that the physical and emotional abuse was a nightmare from which I couldn’t escape. It was my lot in life. Today, at that very moment, I felt so much despair...I imagined myself as one of those dogs and I almost got physically ill.
When things get too intense, Dr D always takes me away to a safe place in my mind, but today it has taken me a long time to recover. Honestly, I don’t think I have fully recovered yet. I'm still feeling very emotional right now.
I sure hope Dr D is right, that I will get better. Right now I don’t see any light, in fact in some ways I feel worse than before I started the therapy.
I should be happy. I have a wonderful life and hubby and job and my buddy B. I so want to be happy but sometimes the sadness and self-hatred is just overwhelming. I think I've always focused on the little bit of extra weight because I didn't want to feel the real pain. So I told myself I was unhappy because of my weight.
A person's weight shouldn't be the focus of unhappiness. Even a lot of extra weight shouldn't make you hate yourself. Yes, you can work on being more healthy, but please don't hate yourself because of what you weigh. No matter what you weigh, whether you are skinny or fat...unless you love your real self inside, no matter how skinny you get, you will have a miserable existence. Believe me...I know this from personal experience. Everyone...please love yourselves no matter what you weigh. Please...be happy.
Aw, feel for you going through a difficult time. I seem to go through a 2 year cycle and just coming round from the latest one (I hope!).
ReplyDeleteThat learned helplessness blog was amazing wasn't it? I had the same reaction as you.
I am glad you are getting help, it is tough now, but it will get better. My mantra for the dark times is "This will pass". I know it will because it has previously.
Good luck and keep on moving forward!
oh oh oh that final paragraph is BEYOND powerful.
ReplyDelete(I loved lyn's learned helplessness post as well.)
I just want to give you a hug!
ReplyDeleteWhat a GREAT post. You have really touched and inspired me today. Hugs to you. I know you will get through this!!!
ReplyDeleteI think there is a very strong and amazing woman behind this blog.
ReplyDeleteRegarding Bo the PWD...he was with a trainer prior to arrival. But you know how it is with trainers. The dog listens to them perfectly, but as soon as they are with someone who does not exude "calm assertive behavior" they're going to run wild. So it isn't Bo that needs training! LOL
ReplyDeleteTherapy Hangover! You know you are not alone! It does hurt when it comes out- like a concentrated leak of all of the pain at once. It FUCKINGHURTS. I am always glad that you post after therapy AND I never get tired of it.
ReplyDeletePowerful, powerful post. Yes indeed we must love ourselves and love our lives regardless of weight, background or circumstances.
ReplyDeleteThe book of Proverbs states, as a man thinks in his heart so is he. I choose to think that I am thin, strong and young so this is what I confess. I know my body will respond when I'm building myself up in my own mind by becoming what I confess. It may sound silly but it is working, not overnight but little by little my body and mind make positive changes to bring me to what I want to be.
Have a great week and be kind to yourself.
Thank you for sharing what you are learning. We all must learn to care about ourselves and love ourselves unconditionally. Sure is hard to change the grooves in our brains, isn't it?
ReplyDelete