Better living through chemistry?

I’ve had a bad few last days. Since Sunday, I’ve felt depressed and had little energy to do anything. Yesterday, for the first time in several months, I felt a binge coming on and I didn’t resist it. I didn't even try. I was on my way home from work when I passed by a World Mart. I went into the store and walked around for a full ten minutes trying to decide what to buy. Not whether to buy anything…that had already been decided when I stopped specifically to buy something to eat. The question was “What?” What would fill the void? What did I want to stuff into my face? I didn’t even try to analyze why I wanted to binge.

I settled on a can of cookies, I don’t know if you have ever seen them, they are the rolled up sticks filled with frosting. I paid for them, and then went out to my car and ate at least 20, one after the other. I ended up eating about half the can.

Did I feel better afterwards? Yes, for about 5 minutes, then I started to get almost sick from the sugar. Nonetheless, I went home and ate dinner, acting with hubby like nothing was different or wrong.

Today, I was scared. What if I have another binge?

But…the odd thing is today I had trouble eating anything. I packed my lunch but ate almost none of it, and nothing else either.

I had a therapy appointment tonight and talked to Dr D. There are probably a couple of triggers going on:

1. Springtime is gardening time and I used to discuss planting strategies with my dad. He was an avid gardener and we used to have friendly competitions to see whose vegetables would grow bigger or more abundant. He passed away unexpectedly about 2-1/2 years ago. I miss him every day, but especially this time of year.
2. The last therapy session brought up a lot of sadness about missing my grandma.
3. Easter means a family get-together this Sunday, which is stressful. I never know what rude thing my mom is going to say or do, which can lead to fights or hurt feelings. Even if she doesn’t do anything off the wall, I’m always on guard.

I feel like I’m in a deep hole and I can’t climb out. I think it’s been coming on for a while, bit by bit. Maybe I’ve been in a low grade depression for a while, and it’s just gotten worse in the last two weeks. I’ve had to force myself to walk B on the weekends. These walks are normally something I look forward to, but I mostly did it for B this weekend, not for me. That was my first clue that I’ve crossed some kind of threshold to a place that’s really not very good.

The weird thing is a few days ago (last Thursday) I was feeling great! (Remember the “I’m so freakin’ happy” post?) It crossed my mind to wonder if I was manic depressive or bi-polar, but Dr D doesn’t think so. It was probably the momentary stress relief of not having to work for a few days and drinking wine and eating major carbs, which caused a temporary euphoria with a subsequent crash.

I found this information on a site about women’s health. It sure sounds like me:

Complex carbohydrates increase our levels of serotonin, so when we eat them, we feel better. When our serotonin levels are higher, we are happier. It’s that simple.

On a neurological level, ingested carbohydrates triggers the production of the hormone INSULIN, this inadvertently stimulates an INCREASE OF THE AMINO ACID, TRYPTOPHAN, in the UPTAKE PROCESS TO THE BRAIN. This is key because tryptophan acts as a precursor to the neurotransmitter serotonin and is readily converted into serotonin once it enters the brain.

So, a high consumption of carbohydrates works to increase our serotonin levels and this in turn improves our mood, appetite and our overall eating behavior. Hence, distressed individuals find temporary relief in the “SEROTONIN HIGH” that they get from ‘pigging out’ on carbohydrates. It makes them feel better.

This high is only temporary, so to maintain these feelings of happiness, people tend to reach for carbohydrates often and before long it become habitual.

So, I’ve probably trying to increase my serotonin levels in my own way. A few years ago, I was on Wellbutrin for a while, and it helped immensely. Dr D suggested I might try it again, as an adjunct to the therapy. Since for me it did help previously, it’s probably a good bet and would help level my moods out.

I think I'm going to call my medical doctor tomorrow and see about getting another prescription for Wellbutrin...All I know is I don’t want to keep going on like this.