Is "Neutral" Good Enough?

I have no energy and/or ambition to try to lose weight.  I think I have spent so much of my life "on a diet" or "planning to diet" or "going off my diet," that I am just burned out.

I'm not bingeing, or purging, or starving, or really doing anything that is terribly destructive to my body.  I eat when I'm hungry, and it's usually fairly healthy food.  Sometimes I even forget to eat, so I'm not obsessed with food.  I don't have an adversarial relationship with food anymore, either.  On the occasion when I want to eat fast food, I do, and I don't beat myself up about it later.  So I seem to be stuck at this weight.  Most of my clothes fit okay, they are neither loose nor tight...

But I sure do wish I weighed about 10-15 lbs less.

Even mentally, I'm in a pretty good place.  I don't hate myself, I don't think I am stupid or ugly (like I used to...thank you, Dr D).  But I sure do wish I weighed less.

My stomach seems to be the focus of whatever body "dislike" (not hatred) is still inside me.  I don't grab the extra roll of flab or beat on my love handles and scream at myself in the mirror, or crawl under the bed covers and tell my husband I can't leave the house because I am a fat pig.

But I still avoid looking at myself in the mirror.  I really don't think anything about myself...except for the fleeting, ever-present, now-somewhat-more-subdued desire that I weighed less.

I am more neutral about my body...after a fashion.  Is the absence of body hatred "neutrality"?  And is that okay?  Or am I supposed to "love" my body?  I don't think I'll ever get to that place.

So, I don't starve myself anymore, although I do occasionally find myself restricting, because it feels soooo comfortable, familiar, and GOOD to feel hungry.  I really do like the feeling, it's kind of surreal and elevating and spacey.  But inside I know now, it's a false good feeling, so then something rational takes over and says...STOP! DON'T DO THIS TO YOURSELF!

Anyway, I'm a lot more "normal" than I used to be, but I'm still trying to find that balance.  Dr D seems to think I can get even better, but I just don't know.  Every time we talk about my feelings about my body, the best I can muster is "I'm neutral."  The idea of actually thinking that I might look "good" or "pretty" is so strange and uncomfortable, even EVIL.  Thinking like that was considered VAIN and was NOT ALLOWED in OUR FAMILY.  You would get slapped down for being vain...usually just verbally, but occasionally even physically.       

Sorry, I'm rambling.  But I'm determined to keep working on this...