Dieting vs. Restricting...a Fine Line

Thanks for all your well wishes from my last post. I've completely recovered from whatever bug I had.

I saw Dr D yesterday. I had the day off on Monday for MLK Day, so I spent the day with my mom. My mom is always a good topic for therapy, so for the bulk of the session, Dr D and I talked about how the day went. Then, with about 15 minutes left, she asked how my eating was going.

I immediately said “Good!" Then, "Well, okay I guess. The truth is, I hadn’t actually eaten anything today until right before I came here to see you.”

"What’s up with that???" she asked. I wasn't sure, so we discussed. Here's what happened:

When I got up on Wednesday morning, I was running a bit late. 95 percent of the time, I take my food to work with me (2 small sandwiches on 100-cal bread, yogurt, fruit…usually whatever I take adds up to around 800 calories). Dr D has been tellings me I should be less rigid with myself, so that morning I told myself…”I’m just going to eat whatever I want today"…(always within reason, of course).

I was feeling very positive and "normal" when I left home. Actually I was kind of proud of myself. But when I got to work is when things went downhill. I didn't have any of my regular food, so I was at a loss as to what to eat.

About 10 a.m., I went out for coffee with a friend I haven’t seen in a long time, and at the coffee store, I looked at the pastries in the case. My rational self said…"Have the banana bread! It's a good healthy choice!" I really wanted that banana bread, and I knew I could/should have it. After all, I hadn’t eaten anything so far that day.

But that mean voice in my head said…"Don't be ridiculous...you know you shouldn’t eat that. And your friend will think you're too fat to eat that banana bread. He'll probably make fun of you after you leave. You know you don’t deserve to eat that." All of a sudden, I felt a flush of emotions (mostly fear and anxiety). So instead I just ordered a drip coffee.

When I went back to work, I still didn’t eat anything...again, because I hadn't brought anything. I had a ton of work to get done, so I just didn't think about eating. In fact, I didn’t even feel hungry and was kind of going with that flow. I actually started feeling exhilarated...thin...in control. (These are very familiar feelings, ED feelings...kind of like taking drugs.)

In the back of my mind, I knew I really WAS (physically) hungry, but it was easy to ignore once I got into "that mode".

About 2:30, I was talking to a co-worker when I started to get heart palpitations. I sat down at my desk and tried to analyze what was going on. (It crossed my mind to tell someone, but in my office, you don't ever want to mention you don't feel well. Because they'll call one of our aid cars and it's very likely you'll end up on a gurney on the way to the hospital.)

Anyway, it was at that point my rational brain took over. So I drank a big glass of water (my first fluid of the day besides 2 cups of coffee), and started to feel a little better. And on my way to see Dr D at 3:30, I stopped and got a fish sandwich from Wendy's. Of course, even under those circumstances, I still automatically checked the calories before I made my choice...450-600.

So, when Dr D and I finally got around to discuss my eating, and I was honest with her, she said "You know, restricting to the point of heart palpitations can lead to heart attacks." That kind of scared me. My dad died from a heart attack and there is a lot of heart disease on his side of the family. I'm definitely tempting fate when I get into these weird eating patterns.

Why do I do this? That mean voice still lurks. Since I don't really binge anymore (from emotional hunger), my problem is sometimes I don't recognize real (physical) hunger. Or I choose to ignore it, because the mean voice starts criticizing me. If I get out of my normal routine at all, things go awry.

So, my question is...what's the difference between restricting vs. dieting? (The website that described the heart palpitations is a really good website that helps explain eating disorders vs dieting.)

Dr D and I talked about "normal eating" until our session ended. Dr D believes that our bodies know what we really need. Our bodies are wonderful and complex and amazing, and if we just trust our bodies, we will end up at our perfect healthy weight. That idea is intriguing but scary to me, because I've NEVER trusted my body. I grew up being taught that we have to deny our bodies. Food was bad...evil...always THE ENEMY. I have always put more belief in what the mean voice says, rather than what my rational adult self tells me. Trusting my body and listening to the new (positive) voice is something I'm still learning.

The other day, my friend Diana said she wished she was like me and several other folks because she said we'd made peace with food. I'm not sure I belong in that elite group (yet!) based on what happened yesterday. Yes, I’m better than I was a few years ago, but I still have some weird disordered eating habits and a screwy mindset. I guess I just need to be aware and keep working on it.

Well, this was a rather long, boring post. A lot of stuff seems to be going on, so I just felt like ruminating for a while. If you're still around...thanks for reading!