Grrrrr...

An old friend named Ray is visiting from Hawaii, he just got here yesterday afternoon. When I say old, I mean OLD…90 years old. Hub used to work for Ray back in the 70s and they've kept in touch ever since. He comes to visit us for about a week every year. Ray is a nice old guy, and I don't mind having him around.

But something he said yesterday is bugging me. I'm feeling kind of mad about it. I guess I should explain…

My hub is overweight. Yes, it's true...He weighs about 290, and for his height he should weigh about 190. The fact that he is overweight makes not one bit of difference to me, never has, other than I wish he could lose for his health (he has bad knees and losing weight would help that, I know). The fact is, back in the early 80s, before I met him, he weighed almost 400 lbs, so he has lost 100 lbs from his highest weight.

My hub works out, eats right most of the time, whatever... He tries to lose, he wishes he could lose. But he is overweight. It's a fact but it's not anyone else's business.

Believe it or not, I'm used to hearing remarks about his weight. Sometimes strangers yell out stuff from their cars as they drive by. Sometimes casual acquaintances will say stuff to me, telling me he needs to lose weight, like that's a revelation to me. Duh. Or a long time ago, one guy even asked, "Why is your husband so fat?" Depending on the situation, what exactly was said, and who said it, I usually reply back that my husband is one of the most wonderful people I know and his weight is none of the commenter's business, or "fuck off and die, asshole." (...or something to that extent…like I said, depends on what was said and who said it).

So, back to our old friend Ray…we went out for dinner and being 90 years old, Ray doesn't walk very well, so after dinner hub went to get the car while I waited with Ray. As hub walked away, Ray said to me, "He really needs to lose weight." Trying to be kind, I said, "He's working on it." Then Ray said in a rather dismissive tone "Well, he just needs to have the intestinal fortitude to do it."

GRRRRR. I just saw red for a minute. But this definitely was not a "fuck off and die asshole" situation. So, I took a deep breath and said in a very controlled tone, "Ray, you of all people should know that one thing my husband doesn't lack is intestinal fortitude." Then Ray said…"oh, I'm just an old man saying stuff I shouldn't be saying." At which point, hub arrived with the car, and the subject was dropped.

Ray has known my hub for 40 years. He knows how generous and kind my hub is (who else would invite a lonely old man to come stay for a week, entertain him, feed him, be his friend?) And how smart and funny and…yes, strong willed…my hub is. My hub is not lazy or weak...he has none of the so-called "personality defects" that people (bigoted, ignorant, awful people) attribute to overweight people. It takes a lot of intestinal fortitude to build up a successful business in spite of the weight discrimination he's been subjected to almost his whole life. He has never let his weight stand in the way of doing anything he wanted to do.

But for some reason, Ray felt it was necessary to comment negatively on my hub's weight. And to be rather nasty about it. Maybe he didn't mean anything by it, but it's bugging me. And I don't know if I handled this situation right. But I am so sick of people judging others based only on appearance. I'm tired of the superior attitude of people who've never had a weight problem, or even of people who have lost weight and now think they can look down on others. I resent people saying stuff to me about my husband's weight.

Even if they are just nice old men.