This week has been very eye opening. My mom got out of the hospital late Tuesday, and I decided to give her a couple of days to recover before returning her dogs. I had Friday off, so we had planned on my taking them back on Friday.
She called me Thursday night, and here's how the conversation went:
Mom (in a really pathetic tone of voice): Do you think you could keep the dogs a few more days?
Me (freaking out in my mind…I can't take another few days with those crazy beasts! But in a calm voice): Why, what's wrong?
Mom: I'm still so weak.
Me: Why are you still so weak?
Mom: Because I can't eat anything
Me: What do you mean? Did the doctor say you aren't supposed to eat?
Mom: No, he said I could eat whatever I want.
Me: Does your stomach still hurt?
Mom: No, it feels okay, it's just that nothing sounds good, so I don't feel like eating.
Me: So it's not that you can't eat anything, it's that you don't want to?
Mom: Well, maybe. I've lost 8 lbs.
(The fact that she had to throw in that last part was a clue that she knows exactly what she is doing.)
Me: Do you want to go back into the hospital?
Mom: No, I hate it there.
Me: Mom, if you don't eat, you will die. So eat. I'm sorry that you are still weak because you are not eating, but you can fix this. There's no reason anymore that you can't eat, so you need to eat. And I think you need to have the dogs back so that you have something to do besides think about your troubles.
Mom: Okay, I guess you are right.
Anyway, the dogs did go back yesterday. She seems to have thought about what I said, because she was actually eating some oatmeal when I got to her house. And I do think having the dogs back will give her some motivation to get better.
I'll admit, that conversation did make me feel a bit guilty, but also kind of proud of myself that I didn't play the game. It's a game my mom has played since I can remember.
My mother is 80 years old, and she still thinks she is fat, even though she is 5'4 and weighed 130 lbs when she first went into the hospital. If she did lose 8 lbs in the last week, then that means she now weighs 122.
When I was young, she would periodically starve herself, to the point of making herself ill. Then it was always expected that everyone (my dad, brother and me) would take care of her.
I think this recent hospitalization really played into her anorexia. They didn't let her eat for 2 days (to let her bowel rest), and the fact is I think she enjoys not eating, especially when it's doctor prescribed. So it's not surprising that once she got into that "mode" that she would continue to starve herself. And since my dad is gone, and my brother isn't around, it falls to me to take care of her.
But this time, I didn't enable her, or sympathize with her. I think she was shocked, because that is what she was expecting. That's what I've always done for her before. No more.
If she is really sick (through no fault of her own), I'm there for her. I have always been there for her. But if she's doing it to herself, I won't be there. I can't be there and maintain my own mental health. My own eating disorder is still lurking close to the surface, and I don't want to get dragged down into it again.
It would be easy to succumb to old habits, but the fact is, I really don't want to play the game.
So I will refuse to play the game. And I think Mom and I will both be better for it.
She called me Thursday night, and here's how the conversation went:
Mom (in a really pathetic tone of voice): Do you think you could keep the dogs a few more days?
Me (freaking out in my mind…I can't take another few days with those crazy beasts! But in a calm voice): Why, what's wrong?
Mom: I'm still so weak.
Me: Why are you still so weak?
Mom: Because I can't eat anything
Me: What do you mean? Did the doctor say you aren't supposed to eat?
Mom: No, he said I could eat whatever I want.
Me: Does your stomach still hurt?
Mom: No, it feels okay, it's just that nothing sounds good, so I don't feel like eating.
Me: So it's not that you can't eat anything, it's that you don't want to?
Mom: Well, maybe. I've lost 8 lbs.
(The fact that she had to throw in that last part was a clue that she knows exactly what she is doing.)
Me: Do you want to go back into the hospital?
Mom: No, I hate it there.
Me: Mom, if you don't eat, you will die. So eat. I'm sorry that you are still weak because you are not eating, but you can fix this. There's no reason anymore that you can't eat, so you need to eat. And I think you need to have the dogs back so that you have something to do besides think about your troubles.
Mom: Okay, I guess you are right.
Anyway, the dogs did go back yesterday. She seems to have thought about what I said, because she was actually eating some oatmeal when I got to her house. And I do think having the dogs back will give her some motivation to get better.
I'll admit, that conversation did make me feel a bit guilty, but also kind of proud of myself that I didn't play the game. It's a game my mom has played since I can remember.
My mother is 80 years old, and she still thinks she is fat, even though she is 5'4 and weighed 130 lbs when she first went into the hospital. If she did lose 8 lbs in the last week, then that means she now weighs 122.
When I was young, she would periodically starve herself, to the point of making herself ill. Then it was always expected that everyone (my dad, brother and me) would take care of her.
I think this recent hospitalization really played into her anorexia. They didn't let her eat for 2 days (to let her bowel rest), and the fact is I think she enjoys not eating, especially when it's doctor prescribed. So it's not surprising that once she got into that "mode" that she would continue to starve herself. And since my dad is gone, and my brother isn't around, it falls to me to take care of her.
But this time, I didn't enable her, or sympathize with her. I think she was shocked, because that is what she was expecting. That's what I've always done for her before. No more.
If she is really sick (through no fault of her own), I'm there for her. I have always been there for her. But if she's doing it to herself, I won't be there. I can't be there and maintain my own mental health. My own eating disorder is still lurking close to the surface, and I don't want to get dragged down into it again.
It would be easy to succumb to old habits, but the fact is, I really don't want to play the game.
So I will refuse to play the game. And I think Mom and I will both be better for it.
That sound you hear? That's my standing and clapping for you. As someone who knows how tough this really is, good on you. Tug-of-war is over if you(me) just put down the rope.
ReplyDeleteOh, the games families play. Good for you! (Also standing and clapping.) So glad you (and B) don't have to put up with those crazy animals any longer.
ReplyDeleteI'm stunned. Wow. My mother is the opposite but just as guilty of the guilt trips. Phew. I am glad you made it past that one!
ReplyDeleteThis makes me want to do a post about my grandma. She is 80 years old, 130 pounds, and is mad that the doctors want to hospitalize her if she loses more weight.
ReplyDeletewow - you're very strong. awesome work - that is a hard cycle to break. well done!!
ReplyDelete