The last few weeks have been a real test of my new approach to life…as the saying goes, you win some and you lose some. And boy when I lose it, I really lose it. I'm actually kind of embarrassed and ashamed to even write this post.
I was doing really well up until I left for Baltimore on Monday. Of course during the trip, my whole routine was screwed up. I've spent the last few days in hearings and meetings that lasted most of the day, and on Wednesday we were actually working from 8 a.m. to 9 p.m. with only a few short breaks. I've also spent the last few days eating mostly fast food and then drinking too much after the day's work. And in spite of my best intentions, I didn't work out at the hotel gym even once.
But the worst of all was, I binged at night in my room...candy mostly, that I'd buy in the hotel gift store. For some reason, I was feeling so compulsive, I couldn't stop myself from buying the candy. The only positive thing is I didn't make myself throw up. Thought about it but didn't. Yeah, I know, TMI. But this used to be my MO…eat tons of candy, and then get rid of it. It would have been easy in the privacy of my hotel room. So that was progress, I guess? On the third straight night in a row of visiting the gift shop, I did get very self conscious because I figured the guy at the cash register must be wondering what one person was going to do with all that candy. But it didn't stop me, I still bought it.
I didn't sleep at all last night for fear of oversleeping and missing my 4:50 a.m. airport shuttle to catch a 6:50 a.m. flight back to Seattle. By the time I got home this afternoon, I was pretty much a wreck.
So I spent the afternoon sleeping from sheer exhaustion, although I did take B to the park for a little while. Also turns out, hub had been really sick while I was gone, although he didn't say anything to me because he didn't want me to worry. He actually had thought he was having a heart attack because he was having chest pains and sweating…but he went to the doctor and had some tests done, and it turns out it was some sort of stomach problem. Although he joked that he had a pain in his heart because he missed me so much…awwww.
I'm sorry I haven't been following anyone's blogs, so I sure hope everyone is doing okay. I'll try to catch up this weekend. As for myself, I feel kind of defeated and sad right now, but I'm glad to be home, and I intend to get back on track right away. Tomorrow I'm going to have a good workout, and eat right and drink tons of water. I have a session with Dr D on Monday, which I'm looking forward to. I hope she'll help me get some perspective on why I failed to maintain control, especially since I wasn't expecting it at all.
It's not good that I fall apart so badly whenever I get out of my routine or comfort zone. Why do I still struggle, especially when I think I've got it figured out? Why do I still have these crazy thoughts and the urge to binge and purge? I really thought I was over that shit...that it was going to be different this time.
I really wanted it to be different this time.
It IS different this time. We are talking about it here. Please don't beat yourself up over it. It happened, it's over with - you haven't undone all your good work. It's just a slip. You and perhaps your Doc might have some ideas as to why it happened and you will gain some knowledge from it. But nothing good ever happens when those of us recovering from ED beat ourselves up.
ReplyDeleteRemember, it's progress not perfection, right? And I believe that it's our underlying need to be perfect that gets us in trouble in the first place.
Remember, it's not all or nothing. There are more than two grades here. Life is lived in shades of grey.
Hugs to you, my dear. Just do the next good-for-you thing.
My Sweet Friend,
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with everything Roxie had to say. Use this has a learning experience. THC will try to guilt you into thinking that you can't do this. BUT IT LIES!
You can most certainly do this. NO ONE does this thing perfect. It's at times like this that force you do recommit to real reasons you started this journey in the 1st place.
Maybe being out of town threw you off. Just remember that it's prideful to think you have this thing figured out. That's just what TCB wants you to think. That way you can really feel like a peice of crap when you slip, cause there will be be slips. Again "it's progress not perfection".
This is a life long adventure. I am glad I get to share it with you. We'll figure this thing out together! We can do this, no matter what TCB trys to tell us.
Thanks for your honesty, I learn alot from your post!................{{hugs}}
THE CRAZY BRAIN = "TCH". I ACCIDENTLY SAID THC THE 1ST TIME. oops!
ReplyDeleteI should stop posting before I've had at least one can of Diet Pepsi in the morning.
sorry
this time WAS different - you didn't follow your MO. That IS progress. Good that you're meeting with Dr. so soon to go over this - please do NOT beat yourself up. Ironic isn't it that a pitfall of doing so well for so long is that we are caught off guard when we screw up! Think about that for a minute. You have been doing SO WELL that you were caught off guard. That is huge. A true testament to how far you've come!
ReplyDeletePS: How cute is it that husband told you he missed you so much his heart hurt??? OMG!! I'd say you could burn some calories thanking him for that one! HAHA
Sometimes you just hit a bump in the road, and this time you changed the pattern of behavior!
ReplyDeleteYou can make strides to overcoming situations that would trigger issues in the past, but to expect yourself to completely control things all the time, every time is just setting yourself up for disappointment in yourself. Giving yourself a break from time to time isn't a sign of weakness or failure, but one of growth and understanding. The big difference is this time you were aware of what you were doing, although you still did somethings you wish you hadn't, it's okay. You realized as you were doing them -- all good in that!
Big big hugs!
OH MY GOD! WE'RE LIVING THE SAME FREAKING LIFE!!!
ReplyDeleteSeriously, this has been me for five weeks. Off my schedule, every week trying to do better and not. Working out once, maybe twice a week. Working 12-14 hour days. Pigging out at night. Not throwing up but like you, actually thinking about it. Horrible horrible life I've been living. It's part of the reason I'm not posting for the next month. Trying to get my shit together and head back on straight. Tired of writing about the same failure over and over.
Anyway, I did the candy thing too. Usually the last night of my stay, every freaking week. I don't know how I've been holding steady on my weight, but I'm sure not losing, which really is my goal. Not maintain at 170.
When you figure it all out, let me know. Because I REALLY suck at this right now.
Don't be too hard on yourself. I hope Dr. D can give you some pointers on how to control your binge impulses when your routine gets screwed up.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)))