Trauma World is in the Past...Get Over It!

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for all the encouraging comments I got on my last post. With each comment I received, I felt better and better.

When I saw Dr D yesterday, the first thing I said to her was…"Boy, am I glad to see you!" I immediately told her what had happened in Baltimore, and how, in spite of my best efforts, I had succumbed to the siren call of C-A-N-D-Y. She was able to help me figure out what happened.

Dr D has come to refer to the abuse I experienced as a child as "Trauma World." Unfortunately, I've spent much of my adult life periodically revisiting TW in my mind. When I'm at home and work, where I've come to feel relatively in control and competent and respected, TW recedes.

But it comes back with a vengeance at various times... It's why I always want to binge after I visit my mom. And even as an adult, I still have so much fear of rejection that I honestly expect people I don't know very well to laugh at me if I say, for example…"Hey, want to go to dinner?" And I still have a lot of anxiety about eating in front of people. So I'm back in TW.

Since I didn't have my normal support system with me in Baltimore, I listened to those nasty old TW voices telling me I'm a piece of shit…and instead of socializing with my peers at the conference, I isolated and tried to find comfort in my tried and true old "friend"…THE BINGE.

Now that I have a better understanding and awareness of what happened, Dr D is helping me work on coping mechanisms for the next time I have to attend a conference out of town.

One thing she suggested was journaling. I'm not much into that, but I got to thinking about writing a blog post, which in my mind is kind of like journaling. Since I wasn't comfortable connecting with people at the conference (from whom I expect rejection), I could have connected with my blogging friends (from whom I know I will get acceptance) by writing a blog post. That would have been worth a try…it would have been better than bingeing, but at the time it didn't occur to me to use blogging as a substitute for candy. Next time, I'll think about it before I binge..not saying it will work completely, or even work at all…but it's worth a try.

Another thing I need to work on is to not be so self-critical, and to be kind to myself when I do slip up. I'm often still in that "all or nothing" perfectionist mode. I need to work on realizing that one slip doesn't mean I'm worthless, and I can actually have "some" candy. Candy is not bad in and of itself…it's the bingeing on candy that's bad. The idea of actually allowing myself some candy is a bit foreign to me, but it's starting to make more sense.

And finally…Dr D really wants me to try to put myself out there with people I don't know…not necessarily anything huge, but baby steps. Since I'm so uncomfortable in social situations, I need to try to chit chat with people, or invite someone to coffee. I need to realize that most people are NOT going to reject me or laugh at me. The fact is, most people are nice and accepting and friendly. (For god's sake, this isn't high school!)

Well, that's about it for now…I'm so glad to be home.