I haven’t talked about Dr D much lately because I’m feeling less compelled to re-hash what we’ve talked about. It’s mostly because I feel like I’m getting a lot better. All the talking about my childhood seems to be taking away some of the emotional power it has had over me my whole life. Still, I would like to share what I’ve been experiencing.
I seem to be less emotional and more introspective when she and I are discussing my past. I don’t cry nearly as much as I did when I first started therapy. Oh, I still get teary eyed almost every session, but the overwhelming grief I was feeling back then, which would lead to uncontrollable weeping, seems to have dissipated. I’m able to look at my childhood in a more analytical way, and I’ve been finding myself checking my responses to triggers, such as the “guilt inducing” way my mother talks to me. What used to drive me crazy or to binge or to just feel generally stressed out…rather than automatically react now, I try to logically think about how to best handle the situation.
Another thing I’m trying to work on…I started to realize that I have so many contrived “rules” for myself, it makes me tired when I start actually thinking about all of them. Dr D has started to give me little “homework” assignments…I’m supposed to break my own rules. So a few times a week, I’ve been pushing myself to do things out of my comfort zone.
I know it sounds weird but I’ve always dressed in fairly nondescript clothing, mostly black or gray or brown or beige. My closet is full of colorful clothes, but I hardly ever actually wear any of them. I’ve never wanted to draw attention to myself or my body. So one of my “assignments” has been to wear brighter colors to work on the days I don’t have to wear my uniform. Yesterday I wore a purple sweater with a purple and pink scarf. After I put them on, I almost turned around to go change. Instead I just told myself not to be silly and went to work. And I was amazed when several people actually complimented me…”you look so good in that color!”
I’ve also been trying to eat in front of people…another thing that probably sounds like a strange goal to most people. But because of all the criticism I got from my mom whenever I would eat anything she considered fattening, I've never been comfortable eating in social situations. So I'd do just about anything to avoid eating in front of people. Well…I actually ate a donut in a meeting a few days ago! Now you may think that eating a donut is a bad thing. But for me, to eat one donut in front of others, rather than eat a dozen by myself in my car, is a sign of progress.
The more I allow myself to do normal things…like wearing colors or eating a donut…the less self-conscious and more accepting of myself I’ve been feeling.
This week has gone well for both the eating and exercising too. I’ve worked out 4 days in a row and I’ve been drinking tons of water. I’ve been eating about 1,500 calories a day, which seems to be about right for me.
So that’s about it for now. I hope everyone has plans for a nice holiday weekend. I know I’m looking forward to it.
It is so hard to break free of those "rules" we make for ourselves. I find it hard to wear certain things myself. Like you, when I do wear something out of character people always have postive things to say. I always ask the girl I work with if what I wear is ok. I know she'll be brutally honest.
ReplyDeleteOne donut is awesome. Getting that "normal" relationship with food is the key. I don't think I will ever be a normal eater. Constant porgress is possible though.
Have a great weekend as welll.
You're doing great! Funny thing about the crying, I can't anymore. Don't even remember the last time I cried. Not sure what that's about. Probably not healthy.
ReplyDeleteI have trouble eating in front of people too. I always think they're going to think I'm so fat I shouldn't be eating anything. I rarely will do it unless it's in front of friends or family. I've never eaten a doughnut in front of anyone, not even my husband. Now that I think about it, that's kind of crazy.
Glad to hear you're getting better. You sound like you're well on your way to being healthy, mentally and physically.
It really is amazing the changes that can happen when we expose our "rules and truths" to the light of day. We accept so many things that turn out to be false when exposed to real, adult logic. I'm still doing a good deal of this kind of work. It's tough going, as you noted, but it really is freeing! Congratulations on all your progress and hard work. It's the greatest gift you can ever give yourself - being free.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't feel good to push through the uncomfortable, but damn it- you sure feel great afterwards!!
ReplyDeleteI like the pink and purple. After watching What Not to Wear (TLC) I started wearing colors, and I am so happy with it! Haha.
I've never worn colours either - in an attempt to not exist. Growing up it was important that we not be noticed. My mom thought it was great when people could say "look at Lynn's kids - you'd never know they were in the house!".
ReplyDeleteIn the last.... 5 year or so, husband started picking out my clothes. I realize this sounds awful, but I think he was trying to get me out of my shell. Notice the top in my profile picture? It's purple. And it has a flattering neckline. I would never pick that out myself. You know what? Even though I was uncomfortable at first - I eventually started feeling like my clothes. A little bolder. I kinda like it!