The Aftermath

I was in a bit of a funk yesterday after Monday's blowup with hub. I was glad to be at work, which took my mind off my problems. However, on the way home, I was picking up something at the drugstore, and when I was standing in the checkout line, I realized that "magically" a package of cookies had appeared in my basket. I ate them in the car on the way home, and then hid the wrapper in the outside garbage container. Yes, it is so obvious that I eat from emotions. At least it was only one package of cookies (340 calories…as I ate them, I looked at the nutritional info). So today I talked to Dr D about "the incident" on Monday.

Anyway, we had a good discussion, I shed a few tears and had a few epiphanies, and then we talked about ways to handle this type of situation in the future. I definitely do not want a divorce, all I want is for my husband to not fly off the handle over trivial stuff and then say things that make me feel bad about myself. And it is only trivial things that he blows up about. He never gets mad when something big or serious happens (like when I dented one of our cars by hitting it with our other car...resulting in two dented cars. He told me not to get upset, it was just cars which can be fixed).

But when he does blow up, the way he talks to me is abusive. I don't think I ever thought of it like that before; Dr D says people from abusive childhood situations tend to normalize the abnormal. (Just to be perfectly clear…Hub has never been physically violent, and as I told Dr D, it might have almost been easier if he were, because then for sure I would know what I had to do…i.e. leave.)

I think almost everyone has experienced some abuse growing up. At least I think it is more common than not. I know my husband grew up in an abusive household, from what little he has told me…and that’s not much because he says he doesn’t want to dwell on the past. His siblings are all pretty crazy, if you ask me. Both sisters are extremely overweight, and his brothers are just plain nuts (if you’re wondering…that’s a technical term). Actually they both kind of creep me out and have weird mannerisms and lifestyles. I've always thought hub is the most normal of the bunch...but obviously something was wrong in that house that affected him to some extent.

So I have empathy for his anger issues, but I'm starting to realize that I can’t tolerate his talking to me in an abusive way. Dr D also says sometimes when a person is in therapy and starts to deal with her/her issues, their tolerance for being treated badly goes down. I think that’s what’s happening with me. This is the first time I have ever screamed at the top of my lungs at hub, which is why I think he was so shocked.

Among other things, Dr D and I discussed some strategies for dealing with the situation if (when) it happens again, so I’m feeling much better about that. (I’d just like to interject here that Dr D is amazing. She is the first person I’ve ever felt truly safe with…even with previous therapists I didn’t feel that way. That's why I write about her with such reverence.)

The bottom line is, hub and I need to start communicating better, and our relationship has to change. Or, sad as it will be, the marriage will have to end.

But the dog goes with me.