Still around

Well, here I am.  A few days before my 65th birthday.  It’s a cold but sunny and truly beautiful President’s Day.  Being a government employee, I have the day off.  Friday, I started to feel a cold coming on, so I spent the weekend a bit under the weather.   But I attacked it hard right away with Zicam and yesterday I started to feel better.

So far today I’ve taken the girl dogs to the park.  They just got haircuts last week, so they did have to wear their warm jackets.

I just realized I still refer to them as the girl dogs...vs when I had 3 and one was a boy

My dear husband gave me a leaf blower for Christmas (what a romantic fellow) so I’ve also blown off all the decks of the debris that fell yesterday in a windstorm.  And it’s not even 10 am yet.  

I feel as if I am in a good place emotionally.  Sometimes I still get very sad about Buster, but the grief does seem to be easing a bit.  At least I’m not crying over him every day anymore.  I’ve gotten rid of almost all his stuff, except for his bed and a few favorite toys which I’ve put next to the bed in our bedroom.  I imagine him sleeping there still, and occasionally one of the other dogs will get in it, so that gives me comfort.  Weird, I know, to be so attached to a dog.  But he’ll be forever in my heart. 

My startup disk on my laptop told me it was getting very full, so while being sick this weekend, I decided to cull out some stuff, starting with Photos…of course, the majority of everything was photos and videos of B.  Videos take up a lot of space and a lot were “almost” duplicates, so I decided to just keep the most special ones.

As I was going through them one by one, I came across one from about 3 years ago where I was recording B and me playing with a puppet.  My husband in the background says loudly “Don’t you have enough pictures of that dog???” 

For some reason, watching that video with commentary from my husband made me laugh so hard I cried.  Yes, I was a crazy dog mom and I probably did have enough pictures, evidenced by the fact that I'm now needing to delete some in order for my computer to function properly.  But in retrospect...it's a bittersweet memory.

Weight wise, I’m doing well.  Not up or down…just “THERE.”  I don’t even think about what I weigh most of the time, because it doesn’t matter, as long as my clothes continue to fit fine.

I’m working out a lot and apparently I’m very fit because the company who makes the heart rate monitor I wear just sent me an email that they were upping my max heart rate, based on the fact that while working out, I often get my heart rate up past the previous theoretical max.  (The “normal” max for a woman my age is 155, so my level of fitness is quite high.)

My trainer and I have been together for 3 years, so he knows how far I've come.  He is pretty proud of me and my progress and I think I’m one of his favorite clients because I do push myself so hard during our sessions.

Anyway, sorry for my long absences.  I've decided to keep blogging more regularly, even if no one reads, it's a good way for me to document my own emotional progress.

Take care, everyone.  

A Hole in My Heart

As you know from my last post, we lost our boy Buster on November 11.

We were on vacation in Jamaica when it happened. The sitter noticed he was having some trouble breathing so she texted me. I told her to take him to the Emergency Vet, and he died a few hours later.

When we left on Nov 6, he seemed okay. He had been slowing down a lot, but I thought it was because of his joints. The photo I took of him by the red tree was taken on Nov 3, so he was still getting around okay. Slow but okay and he wouldn't let us (me and the two girl dogs) go to the park without him.

Although the cell connection was not very good, I was able to talk to the ER vet. When B first got to the hospital, she called us and said he was walking around, seemed a bit anxious and panting a bit, but nothing too severe. She said he seemed to have some pain in his belly. So the plan was to take some blood, and observe him.

She called again about an hour later and said while they were trying to get blood, he went into shock.  Of course, I'm a wreck and crying, so she spoke to my husband. The vet said that his lungs were filling with fluid all of a sudden, so they were going to sedate him and do a lung tap to see if it was blood or fluid. My husband said this sounded like a good idea. So she hung up.

Literally 20 minutes later she called and said he had died. They had just done the lung tap and the fluid was clear, so she thinks he had a tumor in his chest which suddenly gave way. The vet said he wasn't in any pain when he died, as he was sedated.

But I still feel so guilty. I can't help but think back on some symptoms he had that I should have paid more attention to. He walked very slowly, but I thought his joints were hurting so I was giving him some turmeric dog treats, and they seemed to help.  Then sometimes he would cough or choke...but it wasn't severe or constant, so I didn't focus on it.  He still ate his dinner and his treats, although his appetite had been a bit off for the last week or so. But the night before we left, he sat at my feet while I ate some ice cream. He was waiting for his chance to lick the bowl...because he always got to lick the bowl!

As we were getting ready to leave, I held him in my arms like I did when he was a puppy. I kissed his head (*kiss kiss kiss*) and told him how much I loved him, to be a good boy, and that we would be back in a few weeks.

I'm not sure whether it was good or bad that we weren't at home. My husband says to not feel guilty as even if we were home, we couldn't have done anything for him. But I can't forget his little face looking up from the bottom of the stairs as we went out the door to the airport, as if to say "Are you really leaving me???" I can't help but wonder if he died of a broken heart.

My poor B! My best friend! 13 years together, and in his hour of need, I wasn't there for him. At least to hold him and kiss him goodbye! Anyway, it's over now and I'm just heartbroken. I still cry a few times a day when I think of him. We still have my mother's dogs, but really, they are not "MY" dogs and I'm not bonded to them the way I was to B. I feel like I have a hole in my heart.

Mr. B...you are in my thoughts all the time. I even dream about you at night...and I'm always searching for you. You are still so loved and so missed.

There will never be another B, the sweetest dog in the world.

B at the beach, his happy place

Goodbye, precious boy

Buster 

November 10, 2004-November 11, 2017

"Now cracks a noble heart.
Good night sweet prince:
And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!"

~William Shakespeare

 

Sweet B, you will be missed but never forgotten.