I Will Not Eat Crap

My mom and I still have our ups and downs.  With the dementia, her filters are almost non-existent. 

For example, I visited her Saturday and had lunch with her and some of her buddies.  One of her friends said “You look nice today.”  I guess washing my hair and wearing a scarf that matches my sweater is the height of fashion at the Home.  Anyway, I’ll take any compliment that comes my way (even if it is made by an elderly woman who is almost blind…seriously, this friend of my mother’s is very near sighted).  So I said Thank You!   

But, instead of agreeing with her, what does my mother do?  She says, “Yeah, well, I don’t like that sweater on you, it makes you look fat.”  And as usual, even after all these years, I'm always caught off guard by her meanness.  You'd think I'd learn!  

It’s always tricky how to respond to something like that.  I can feel hurt or just laugh it off.  So I (try to) laugh it off.  What good does it do to respond to her anyway?  She doesn’t remember anything past 5 minutes. And I’ve come to expect it from her…she’s always been very competitive with me but it took me years to recognize that was what was going on. 

Last night Hub and I were going grocery shopping and as I rode along in the car, I started to realize I felt a bit depressed.  As I analyzed what I was feeling, I realized that it’s possible my mother could live another 20 years…she’s in really good health except for her mind.  So I have that to look forward to for the foreseeable future…The constant offhand insults and negativity and complaints.  I start to realize that even now I overreact and dwell on things she says and does (not outwardly but inside it hurts).  And it never fails...She gives me a stomach ache and makes me want to eat crap.  

Anyway, I know logically that in the scheme of things, this is such a very, very small problem.  So, instead of letting it bother me, I’m going to decide to be grateful for what it is, because I know it could be so much worse. 

Thanks for listening…I feel much better having written about it.  And I will not use her actions as an excuse to eat crap.