How do you get something out of your mind?Something that was somewhat embarrassing but really no big deal in the overall scheme of life?
Earlier today, I called someone I "kind of" know by the wrong name.
And now I am obsessed by the experience, repeating it over and over in my mind.
Hating myself.
Telling myself how embarrassing it was.
Calling myself stupid stupid stupid.
This constant rumination is the sort of thing I usually reserve for food faux pas (where I obsess after eating something I shouldn't have), but I know I won't relax this evening, sleep well tonight, or enjoy the weekend, thinking about this. The silly thing is the person took it in stride, and I know it is a much bigger deal to me than it was to her.
Not to be overly dramatic, but this picture is pretty representative of how I feel after an "event" like this. Right now, over 5 hours after it happened, I'm still freaking out. I feel like I want to cry.
And then I get embarrassed about the fact that I'm still obsessing about it. What normal person does that? It's a vicious circle.
Just when I think I'm getting better, after all the therapy and supposed development of coping skills, something like this happens and I feel almost back at square one. I know stress adds to my inability to deal with these types of things. Okay, yes, I've been under a lot of stress at work and dealing with my mom as well as some personal medical issues.
But Holy Crap...Brain...please...give me a break!
I almost didn't write this post, because the whole thing seems so insane and I worry that anyone reading this will also think badly of me.
Sometimes I just want to rip out my brain and wash it in the sink.
Sometimes I just hate my mind.
"There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit."
ReplyDeleteRomans 8:1
I hope you find some way to let this go. I understand the feeling, as I've had it, too. I hope you can find/have already found some process to relieve yourself of this. Writing it all down and burning it, maybe? Just something to create some concrete steps to release the "mistake" and you. BTW, if you have social anxiety issues, I never saw one ounce of evidence. Best to you today, Grace.
ReplyDeleteAll I can do is offer an embarrassing moment of my own. I was presenting designs to a client Monday and had an audience of six people (four of them were my own team mates). During the presentation the client actively asked questions. One of the questions involved choice of color and in order to not answer vaguely I sighted that their target audience was a particular age and gender and that I felt this pallet would be more successful than harsh colors like black and bright red. Here is where nerves pulled more words out of my mouth than I could stop and I went on to say that a more masculine pallet may not suit this product nor audience. That those colors are still appealing even if more-so to men. There is nothing wrong with men. I find men appealing. Everyone was laughing at this point and though I was blushing I decided to keep running with the joke and it turned into a good situation ... though I think I blushed for another couple of minutes.
ReplyDeleteWhen we trip we just have to get up and keep going. That is true in so many things. They say it's not how many times you trip that matters. It's how many times you get up.
Ok. I do this sometimes too. Not often anymore. It's as though the thought just gets stuck in my brain and won't shake loose. It's always some failure of mine and I can puff it up until it's bigger than an elephant. How can one small mistake (failure) keep me going over and over it in my mind, keeping me awake for hours at night, when anyone else would just shrug it off? I've tried turning it over to God. Then I take it back. I try to soothe that child inside who always feels like such a screw-up, but that is only momentary comfort. If I binge, the comfort is only temporary. I have never found an easy fix. Time is the only thing that seems to work sometimes. How did I get this way?
ReplyDeleteOh Grace, I'm so sorry. I know that awful feeling, the feelings of embarrassment and feeling really stupid. As I get older I seem to do this kind of thing a lot more often, like calling someone that I know really well (not just "kind of"), by the wrong name.
ReplyDeleteWhat I do is just laugh it off. With a "oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! It's the Alzheimer thing acting up again. Sorry!". There's probably some truth to that statement, but it usually makes the person laugh and then we both forget it.
You know, if someone did the same thing to you, I know you'd say no problem, and laugh with them too. You wouldn't give it a second thought. Be as kind to yourself Grace as you are to others. :)