New Blog, New Start

Hello friends!

Thank you for following me to my new blog! Yes, I know it looks a lot like the old one (because I really did like the way that blog looked). I’ve even carried over all the posts and comments from the old blog because what I wrote and the helpful feedback I got were a large part of the healing process I've gone through over the past 1-1/2 years.

But I wanted a new name for my blog. For one thing, I’m not 55 anymore. I am still alive (at least most of the time...haha), but my focus is not “losing it” (weight) anymore.

And, yes, my name is really Grace…it's not Graciela. I think some of you probably knew that, or at least guessed at it. I don’t even look like a “Graciela”! (I'm strawberry blonde with lots of freckles..but my husband is Hispanic and he calls me Graciela). So it was a good nom de plume, for a while, but it’s not my real name. I don’t want to hide behind pseudonyms anymore. I like my real name...and I want to be me! Sounds like a song I’ve heard somewhere. I want to be me! I want to be ME! (Oh, I guess the song was "I Gotta Be Me" ...whatever.)

So, as I said, I’m not very interested in losing weight anymore. For one thing, my weight seems to have stabilized at 163. I've been around that weight now for 3 months. That's the longest I've ever stayed at any particular weight since I've been an adult. Sure, I could still stand to lose another couple of pounds, but I’m very comfortable at 163. Even better, with all the therapy and working on my emotional issues, I seem to have found some peace which has significantly lessened my desire for compulsive binge eating. I realized...I really was using food to comfort myself and deal with stress.

The fact is...the thing I mostly still need to work on is...Body Image. I still struggle with obsessive thoughts about my weight and my size...I'm so fat...I look terrible...What do people think of how I look?...What do people think about what I weigh?...Do they think I’m fat?…and on and on...and on.

For those of you who have followed me for a while, you may remember Dr D, my therapist. Recently, she had me do an exercise where I was supposed to make a note every time I thought about my weight or what I look like. So I had a little pad of paper where I made a mark every time my weight either briefly crossed my mind, or whenever I actually formulated a negative weight- or appearance-related thought. To be honest, the number was shocking. In 8 hours, it was over 100 times...and after that I lost track! Yes, friends...in 8 hours, I thought about what I weigh or what I look like over 100 times. Ridiculous.

What a sad waste of emotional energy! How much better could that energy have been spent?

But sadly, when I was growing up, that’s what my mom’s focus was…what we weighed and what we looked like. She had Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as anorexia. She also drank a lot, and was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. So I had a very chaotic, traumatic childhood, and the only thing that I could control was what I ate and what I weighed. And dieting and losing weight (and crazy, disordered eating) was one of the only ways I could bond with my mom. So, at various times, I've been...anorexic...or bulimic...or a compulsive eater. I've never been extremely overweight...but I've always been extremely overweight in my mind.

Now I’m 57 years old, and I’m finally working through my childhood issues. But I don’t want to LIVE in the past, so all that garbage won't be the focus of this blog. Yes, those things must be a little part, because that’s helped make me who I am today. But the main focus will be to be healthy and have fun and share my life (however boring it is) with you, my blogging friends. And I’ve realized I need to lower my expectations for “feedback.” I love to get comments (because feedback feeds my ego) but the bottom line is…I realize my posts will not always be amazing, wonderful, interesting, or “comment worthy.” So I shouldn't always expect comments.

So, I will be posting again regularly…and I hope you all will follow me as I continue on my merry way! Thanks for being there.