Screwy Perceptions

Perception is a funny thing. As I said in one of my recent posts, I had gained two pounds. The number that showed on the scale made me feel very fat.

But if I had seen that number 6 months ago, when I weighed about 10 lbs more than I do now, it would have made me feel very skinny.

The fact is, whether the number on the scale was two pounds one way or the other, or even if it was still the 10-lbs-heavier number, all should be fine. They are all "normal" weights.

I spent a lot of time talking to Dr D about my screwed up perceptions. I have come to the conclusion that I actually "like" my eating disorder in some strange way. It is like an old friend. Kind of like drugs, I think. Although it often makes my life miserable, it also gives me a lot of comfort, even happiness sometimes (when my weight is going down), so it is hard to actually give it up. Dr D says it is probably because constantly thinking about my weight and being involved in disordered eating patterns, is less stressful than thinking about what happened to me as a child and dealing with that.

I suppose there is some truth to that.

Dr D decided to give me a test that is normally given to anorexics, regarding body image and self-worth associated with weight. Even though she and I have now been working together over a year, my numbers were still off the chart, much higher than even "average" anorexics. This seemed odd to me, especially since I'm not anorexic. And it was a bit discouraging. But Dr D says I just need patience, it takes time to change ingrained perceptions. (And money…I'll probably run out of money before I run out of patience...lol)

Dr D thinks my numbers are so high because anorexics often develop their anorexia as a result of outside social pressure or from stress, as a way to control their lives. Meanwhile, my eating disorder was developed as a result of having a mother who was anorexic and she imprinted upon me from the youngest age possible that we (both of us) were worthless unless we were thin. Does that make sense?

I was talking to my mom on the phone yesterday, and she made an off-hand remark that she felt like a fat hog. I was ruminating on that remark, and she got really offended that I didn't just jump right in and contradict her…that I didn't say "Oh, Mom, you are not fat." In the past, that's what I would have said, but I don't want to go there anymore. I'm tired of enabling her in her own eating disorder. So instead I said, "You know, Mom, you and I have both spent our whole lives thinking we were fat when we are not. I wonder why that is?" That stopped her in her tracks. She really didn't have an answer, and she changed the subject. But it made me feel empowered to have actually said that to her. Baby steps.

Anyway, enough of this self-reflection! It's a beautiful day, and I need to take B to the park. Enjoy your weekend!