Closing

Today…finally…closing arguments.

My Deputy Chief and I got to the courthouse about 8 a.m. to get a seat in the packed courtroom. Court started at 9 a.m. The first half hour was jury instructions, by the extremely capable Judge.

Then our Prosecutor started his summation. He talked for almost 2 hours. He was fantastic. I am so proud of him. Close to the end he talked about how the victims fought furiously for their lives. If they hadn't fought so hard, we would probably never know who had done this to them. But their DNA tells the story of what happened.

When our Prosecutor described how these beautiful women struggled for their lives...struggled against the coward who had invaded their home in the dark of night...I cried. I saw what they had gone through. It haunts me still. I witnessed the aftermath, the fire, the blood, the nightmarish chaos. It is beyond imagining, what they went through. And the 2 beautiful little boys...babies, literally...3 and 5 years old. Throats slit. How could someone do such a thing.

The Defense Attorney tried to implant the seeds of doubt. Silly stuff, out of left field. Mountains of evidence, but a few small things are supposed to make the Jurors have "reasonable doubt." Please. I know this man is doing his job, but I hate him. I hate him almost as much as I hate his "Client."

Our wonderful Prosecutor had the last word. Rebuttal. He did an incredible job of Rebuttal. He pointed out how ridiculous the Defense's arguments were.

But still...I am scared. Jurors are human. They may believe the unbelievable things the Defense said. Doubt. Reasonable Doubt. That's what they call it. Reasonable Doubt. I'll admit...I am so fucking scared of so-called Reasonable Doubt.

But I am glad things are coming to a close. If for no other reason than it has been going on for so long. Almost 4 years. So many people are waiting for JUSTICE. They deserve JUSTICE.

It's now in the hands of the Jury.

...So how did I handle it?

I sat with my co-workers and friends. At breaks, we hugged each other with tears in our eyes. We had gone through this experience together, so today we shared our feelings without the need to speak about it.

I spoke to the victims' family members, wonderful people. Today, we were all family, due to our shared experience and our mutual love for the victims. Even though I didn't know the victims before the crime occurred, as a result of the work we did during the investigation, I know them now.

Then...

I ate bagels, pizza, candy, and doughnuts.

Then...

I had several drinks afterwards with a friend who understands.

I don't feel guilty or bad about that. The fact is...today I felt an incredibly urgent need to stuff away these feelings of sadness and anger bordering on rage.

I know I just need to get through this experience by whatever means necessary. If that involves food and alcohol, so be it.

When it's over, I can get back to normal. Today was not normal, and I know that. So I can deal with it, the feelings and my abnormal food response, and the alcohol. It is what it is.

It will all be over soon. I will get through this, because it is not about me. It's about 4 beautiful, innocent lives who were snuffed out in an unfathomably brutal way. I can't stop thinking about those sweet little boys, and how scared they must have been. It literally makes me sick. And how their mother and her sister fought Evil. Thank God they fought so hard, so that we can know who did this, this incredibly evil deed.

I hope this makes sense, I know I'm rambling. Thanks for being there.