One step forward and two steps back...

Or is it two steps forward and one step back?

I wonder what's going on with me.

I had a pretty intense session with Dr D, my first in several weeks. I swear, every time I think I'm getting better, strange things start to happen.

We got back from vacation late Monday. As I mentioned, I ate heartily, had a great time, gained 5 lb., and wasn't upset about it…or so I thought.

I've had almost nothing to eat now in 3 days…I take my food to work, but I don't eat it. I've been eating very little for dinner. The thought of food makes me physically nauseous. I don't feel hungry, except my stomach growls constantly. Yet it feels good to not eat. Does that sound weird? I skipped our department holiday potluck today, even though I brought something for it and even dressed up festively for the occasion. But when the lunch started, the thought of eating or even being around all that food (and people eating food) was…disgusting. So I stayed at my desk and worked. I know my co-workers thought that was strange, but at the moment, I could handle that better than being around the food.

Toward the very end of my session today, I mentioned this to Dr D. We had talked about a lot of stuff...and then I casually threw it in at the end. Kind of like I wanted to talk about it, but not really. I didn't leave enough time for us to discuss. But she did have enough time to tell me that was an eating-disorder red flag…restricting food and then getting almost a good feeling, or high, from it. She thinks it's the way I'm dealing with coming back to my stressful job and the upcoming holidays (seeing my mom, etc).

I have mixed emotions about what's going on with me… The fact is, in my body, I feel calm and good. I really feel like I want to just go with "the flow" and keep not eating (and losing weight). After all, it's not always so easy, so I should enjoy it while I can, right?…But my head tells me this is not a truly good thing, that I should try to eat.

I'm so sick of being sick, of being crazy, of letting food and my weight run my life. I want to be normal. I just want to get caught up at work and make it through the holidays without losing my mind. But right now, I just feel so…strange.