How do you eat an elephant?

My mother and I are in the process of cleaning out her attic. I can't believe how much crap is up there. It took us (me) over 3 hours to get a tenth of what's up there cleaned out. That’s all I could manage, with the cobwebs and dust and crouching over to drag the stuff out and having to go up and down the stairs about 50 times. My plan is to do a little each month until it’s done, but she's so negative and thinks that we won’t ever finish. So, to encourage her, I said, “Well, Mom, how do you eat an elephant?” She's a bit clueless, so I had to explain the punch line… “One bite at a time”…to her.
On the way home, I started thinking about that joke. I really feel as if I’m taking on my past “one bite at a time.” When I first started therapy, I was clueless too. I wanted to “get in and get out.” I just needed to get over my mirror phobia and maybe my weight obsession. "Howdy Doc, pleased to meet ya. Can you fix me up? And I'm awful busy, so if you could do it quick, I'd be much obliged."

Well...Not so fast. I’ve now been in therapy since Feb 11. The things that are coming out of my brain have been surprising and even startling sometimes. They’ve definitely not been pleasant or fun to remember. No child should have to experience some of the things that happened to me. I think I have ignored or repressed so much for so long…it’s no wonder I have so many body image and food issues.

My after-therapy posts have been therapeutic in and of themselves… and it’s been truly cathartic to write out my thoughts and feelings. Until today, those posts have reflected mostly sadness and anger…which is okay, because I feel like I’ve got a lot to be sad and angry about. And something I wasn't expecting also happened as a result of this blog...the encouraging, heartfelt, and sympathetic feedback I’ve gotten from dozens of people in the blogging world…people I don’t know personally, but who are the kindest, nicest people I've ever encountered.

So now, I’m starting to realize that I am feeling better and stronger every day. For God’s sake, I just spent almost 24 hours with my mom, and I didn’t come away a total basket case! That’s the first time that’s EVER happened! I was actually able to be around her and not have the pre-programmed reactions. And on the way home late this afternoon, I stopped to get something to eat, but it was a “normal” something because I was really hungry..I hadn't eaten since breakfast. I didn’t realize until I got home that there wasn’t any emotional component attached to the food.

In fact, I'm beginning to actually look at my mom as she is now. She had so much POWER over me when I was a child. She was HUGE back then. I don’t mean physically huge…she’s actually very petite. I mean personality wise, she ruled the roost in our house. Her mood, whatever it was on any particular day, set the tone for the household. And that mood could change in an instant, from happy to enraged.

If she did in fact have Borderline Personality Disorder…and the way she was back then certainly fits the textbook description…apparently some BPD traits improve over time. She’s really not the moody, crazy, downright mean mother I grew up with, and hasn’t been for many years. Oh, yes, she's still a bit self-centered and manipulative and she tends to be critical, but it's more in a thoughtless way rather than nasty. But I’ve been so programmed, I couldn’t see the change in her. My therapy is helping me see her as she is now…a tiny old lady with a lot of physical problems and a declining mind, someone who’s very dependent upon my brother and me. I’m actually beginning to feel some empathy and, yes, even affection for her. That’s amazing.

I feel as if I’m eating that elephant…one bite at a time. My biggest problem was, until a few months ago, I never even realized the elephant was there. Now, each therapy session is one more bite. I’m actually starting to think that, eventually, the elephant will be gone.