She thought I was kidding and I kind of changed the subject at that point.
But that fact is, I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I’ve been this way ever since I can remember. It even kind of scares me to look at myself.
Whenever I’ve taken a yoga class or an aerobics class, if I can’t get a spot in the back away from the mirror, I will not take the class. When I lift weights, I turn away from the mirror. When I worked out with a personal trainer, I insisted that we had to go into a location of the room where I could avoid looking at my reflection.
Whenever I do have to buy clothes, I turn away from the mirror until I get the clothes on. I never turn to look until the clothes actually fit; and then, it’s a quick glance to see if it’s acceptable enough to purchase, then I turn away immediately.
Even in those times when I was a good weight or even underweight, I still avoided looking at myself. So it wasn’t like I would spend a lot of time looking at myself and saying “You’re fat!” and hating myself. It’s always just been a matter of avoiding the mirror, and it doesn’t matter if I’m clothed or naked, I just avoid it.
And yet, I'm obsessed with my appearance. When someone at work will compliment me on my outfit (on days I don't wear my uniform), I often joke about my OCD, how everything I wear has to be "matchy-matchy" and how long it can take me to get ready. I often change my outfit, or pieces of it, 5 or 6 times before I can leave the house. I have even gotten half way to work and turned around to change something.
It’s not really a debilitating thing…it’s just that when I mention this kind of stuff to other “normal” people, I’m not necessarily thinking the behavior is weird. But when I get an interesting reaction like I did today, it makes me wonder…is anyone else out there like this? I realize that everyone may not spend a lot of time looking in the mirror, but to actually try to avoid it altogether?
Yes. I went years without a mirror in the house, besides the medicine cabinet mirror. Last year I bought one and put it in front of the scale. I challenged myself to look myself first in the eye then the arms. Then the next day it be look in the eyes then the stomach, etc. Just one place. I still despise doing it but it has made me much more aware of how I actually look, which helps me to remember I need to lose weight instead of going with that internal "fooling" of myself that "I don't feel fat."
ReplyDeleteI've been avoiding mirrors for so long... lol
ReplyDeleteIt's really funny that when I was semi-anorexic (yes, it seems like a million years ago), I used to check myself on every reflective surface to make sure I was okay. In the future, I plan on finding a nice place in between these two extremes.
Mirrors are bad, but photos are even worse... don't even get me started on that subject. I do everything I can to stay out of photographs. :)
Thanks for your comment on my blog. I'm glad to be back and I appreciate your friendship.
Right there with you. Even before when I was thin, it was never right in my mind. I'm trying to get to a point where the reflection is not a trigger point (and I agree photos are worse). It is getting a bit better.
ReplyDeleteMy husband has never had this problem and he is comfortable in his skin what ever his shape has been. It looks so freeing, really what to get to that place.
I would say many people have been there, I have. I will say though too that I know that plenty of normal sized people have had that issue too, and thats because at its core body image issues arent about what our body actually looks like, but how we feel about it.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, thanks for the support, and I hope you have a great day!!
I can't see anywhere that your stats are listed, your weight and your height, so I'm struggling a bit in trying to get a mental picture in my head.
ReplyDeleteI will this to you and please understand I'm just trying to help... but I think you should see someone about this image you have of yourself. If financially you can afford therapy or get a self help book about self-esteem at the library even.
It is my thought and I'm no doctor, but I fear no matter how much weight you lose or don't lose your mental state is that you're going to be fat no matter what. You will continue with the fat thoughts even when you hit goal weight. Does that make sense.
I really have only 'known' you a very short time, but I'm concerned!
Big hugs, hon!
Belive it or not, I have never owned a full length mirror in my life - either as an adult or growing up. And for that reason it is something I covet ! When i have an opportunity to use one in a store or so forth, I am too curious about it to get any weird body ideas it seems. When I was a kid we only had the medicine cabinet mirror because my parents did not want a full lenght one for some reason, and then when i moved in with my husband he had a huge fear of them falling off the wall and shattering on someone. The cost of one of the mirrors on its own stand was prohibitive ( our home is decorated in the very cheap/curbside rescue style), and so we have never owned one.I hear of many women having fears of facing a mirror and odd body concepts, but for me the idea of being able to see your whole self in a full length mirror in your own home is like a happy dream. I still don't own a full length mirror and i keep telling my hubby I really want one. He seems to think it is some weird change of life madness kind of thing.
ReplyDeleteMirrors and cameras I avoid both. However, since I've dropped some weight I don't mind either as badly as before. At my heaviest, if I saw someone with a camera near me, I would find something to do somethere else or get lost in the crow. You brought up an interesting point that really has me thinking. Maybe the reason I won't go to a gym or get a trainer is the mirrors. Hummm I'm be thinking on that one today.
ReplyDeleteBTW, Thanks for the visit and the comment. I really appreciate your advice.