What I Weigh on the Sun

Gosh, I haven’t posted for such a long time.  I’ve been busy with my full-time job, my husband of 24 years, 3 older dogs, my mom in a nearby assisted living place, working out...basically living my 64th year on Planet Earth.  I'm happy and content and mostly NOT crazy.  I don't update much because I know my blog is about the most boring thing around. 

But something is giving me the urge to update.  I need to write about this...something that happened yesterday, a random, kind of weird, event.

As any of you who have read any of my blog over the years (HELLO?  anyone still out there?), the number on the scale has always made me insane.  I used to obsessively weigh myself and then the mind games would take over.

Is the scale up? Is it down?  Why doesn't it move? Oh crap I've gained! ...on and on.

Because of this mindset, I literally stopped weighing myself a few years ago.  For me, the specific number doesn’t matter…or rather, it SHOULDN’T.   I don’t even let them weigh me when I have my annual physical, although they always fuss a bit about that. (My doctor, who knows my history of eating disorders, agrees that as long as I am a "normal" weight, the "real" number doesn't matter.  So she has given me permission to just I tell them a number that I think is reasonable.) 

Plus I really don’t look at myself in the mirror, because when I do all I see is a huge person, big and scary, kind of like the Abominable Snowman.  (Thanks, Mom!)  Even in my gym, I've asked my trainer to cover up the mirror where we are working out, so I don’t see myself.  I actively avoid mirrors.  When getting dressed, I will look very briefly to make sure my skirt isn't tucked into my underpants, but other than that, I don't look.   Even with 5 years of therapy with a therapist whose specialty is eating disorders and BDD (body dysmorphic disorder), I still don't look in mirrors. 

As I mentioned, for the past few years, I have been working out and eating right (still doing IF for the most part).  I feel great!  As hard as it is for me to believe when they say it, people often will remark to me how lucky I am that I'm so tall and thin.  After not seeing my 2 sisters-in-law for over a year, when they picked me up at the airport this summer, they both said they didn't recognize me because I've lost so much weight.  Even my gynecologist referred to me as “slender” the other day.

The fact is, I’m really not that thin.  I am tall (5’9”), with large boobs, and a good sized butt.  My thighs are thick and I have broad shoulders.  My abs are strong, but they are covered with a bit of belly fat (which I hate BTW).  But I think I carry myself well and I know how to accentuate my best feature...my long legs (thank heavens for tunics with leggings and high heels).  And since I'm pretty muscular, I'm sure I give the impression of weighing less than than I actually do.

All that being said...the number on the scale shouldn’t matter. Right?  As long as my size 10 jeans fit fine, I've been perfectly content just going along without knowing "that number." 

But here's what happened yesterday to shake up my peaceful little world:

My husband and I were at the Pacific Science Center in Seattle to see the Terracotta Warriors exhibit.  While we were waiting for our time to get in, we wandered around the Center and looked at some of the other stuff which is geared towards kids...interactive displays, etc. 

One of the displays was right in the middle of the lobby.  As we walked by, not realizing this exhibit was a MIRROR, I accidentally glanced at myself.  I was surprised when the first thought that came into my mind was, “Hey, I don’t look huge!  I actually look kind of small!”   I quickly looked away and we continued to wander around when we came to another exhibit that tells you what you weigh if you were on other planets...the Sun, the Moon, Neptune, etc.  My husband playfully told me to step on and I did without thinking "this is a scale!" (Well, DUH)

We both laughed when we saw that I weigh over 4,000 lbs on the Sun.  I saw all the other funny weights, but all of a sudden, I saw what I weigh on EARTH.  I was shocked because I guess in my mind the number should have been at least 10 lbs less than what it said, based on how my clothes fit and my knowledge of what I used to weigh in the past when they felt a certain way.  With panic in my voice, I said to my husband "It says I weigh XXX!"  He knew immediately what I meant, and said "Oh, that scale is probably fucked up so don’t worry about it."  He knows me and my mind and my emotions so well!

But I have been ruminating on that stupid number ever since.  Obsessing.  Trying to make sense of it.  Letting it bother me.  Discounting what I saw in the mirror, where literally 5 minutes before I thought I looked okay?  What does that stupid number matter?  I feel good and strong and fit.  But I went from a high of thinking I looked good, to a low because the number on "the scale" didn't match what I thought it should.

It almost feels as if I've been Mindfucked by Science.  I guess the only thing to do it just keep doing what I'm doing...AND NOT GET ON ANY SCALES!

Thanks for reading. 

A Thankful Cleansing

Today has been a day of cleansing

As I watch the big rainstorm happening right now…

Today was beautiful, sunny and warm, until around 3:30…then a cloud cover came and by 4 pm it had unleashed a thunderstorm of major proportions.  Thunder and lightning!

As this was happening, I was calling and emailing back and forth between a title/escrow company about my mother’s house. (As my mom's power of attorney, it is up to me to handle all my mother's financial affairs.)  

A month ago, after only 2 days on the market, we had a full price offer on my mother’s house.   (As I told my Hub a few months ago…”If I never have to set foot in this house again, I will be happy.”  I never lived there, and it has truly been a source of problems and misery for me for the last 10 years, after my dad died in 2006.  Having to drive 2 hours each way to see my mom, to take her to the doctor for a "personal" issue that we couldn't get resolved because she could not remember how to use a medication; to grocery shop for her because she stopped eating anything but junk food; to help her with house/dog/bank issues etc etc, because she could not remember how to do anything herself.)

Anyway, it took some time to get a few wrinkles ironed out…Bank of America is a bunch of assholes (seriously…yes, THEY ARE), and so is my only brother (I told my husband today If I never speak to my brother again in my life, it will be fine with me)…but FINALLY TODAY all the paperwork was complete, the buyer’s money is waiting to be deposited into my mother’s savings account once I sign some papers tomorrow…(the money will now be readily available to pay for her ongoing care at her memory care facility).

So tonight I am celebrating this cleansing with a beautiful rainstorm.   

After tomorrow, I will never have to drive 2 hours to my mom’s house again, and my life will be so much simpler.

I am so relieved and thankful…

Thankful for my husband who took control of all the house repairs that needed to occur before the house could be sold; and for talking me off the ledge when my brother started to be a jerk about signing some papers…and for finally today getting my brother to sign the necessary papers by threatening him with “something.”  (Don’t ask, don’t tell…)

Thankful for the amazing title company people who worked TIRELESSLY to help me with Bank of America (BTW, based on their treatment of me…on Monday, Bank of America will no longer have my mother’s accounts, now containing a LARGE amount of money from the sale of the house).

And, finally, on a totally unrelated but coincidental note…

Thankful for finding a chiropractor who is finally helping me with a chronic issue with my arm, that has been impacting my weightlifting, sleeping, and just general enjoyment of life for the last 6 months.  After my second treatment today, I am feeling better, stronger, less pain…I’m thrilled.

Today, May 4, 2017, is a great day.  

A CLEANSING DAY.

Happy March!

Hard to believe it's March already!  It seems like POOF February disappeared!

Although we had snow about 10 days ago, it was gone within a day and Spring is now springing on us big time here in the PNW.  Tulips are coming up and the weather is definitely more mild each day.

Time for doggie haircuts as their winter coats are super thick and will be too hot within the next few weeks.  One of the dogs, Bonnie, looks like she weighs a ton but it's mostly fur.  Her hair almost looks like dreadlocks, so I call her Rasta Dog.

Bonnie, one of the dogs I inherited from my mom

(Now, I hope you will indulge me as I complain about my mother ONE MORE TIME, after this it will be only occasionally and I promise she will not be the main focus of future posts.)

Mom still drives me nutty but I’m learning more and more (with the help of my dear Hub) not to let her get to me.  But boy, she sure does know how to get into my head.  Her latest thing is that I moved her, without her consent, into the assisted living facility.  She wants to still be in her home with her two little dogs.  (Personally, I would like that too, but that's water under the bridge.)  

Fine, but "if you recall, Mom," the move was discussed ad nauseum before it happened. 

At the time (a little over a year ago), it was gradually becoming more obvious that it would be necessary to move her, because she wasn’t taking care of herself or her dogs.  The final straw was she had a car accident  (at night and in the pouring rain) that she didn’t report and to this day, we do not know where she was or what she hit (thankfully, it was apparently an inanimate object and not a person).  The only reason I found out is I discovered the front end of the car was wrecked when I went to visit her.  When we went to get the car fixed, the insurance company cancelled her insurance because of the circumstances.  So, she couldn’t drive without insurance. 

Anyway, did I move her without her consent?  Not really, we discussed the situation and she understood we had no other choice except to move.  Because how was she going to live if she couldn’t drive her car?  And the bottom line is...she was unsafe in her house.  All this she either forgets because of the dementia or she "conveniently" forgets it.  Sometimes it is hard to tell which is which.

The fact that we had no choice really is not too relevant, because she bugs me constantly about it anyway.  She insists everything at her house was "just fine."  So she’s resentful and angry about everything.  Well, so am I, Mom, so am I.  This wasn't exactly what I wanted to do with my life either (taking over managing the day to day life of a cranky, abusive, unappreciative, mean old lady). 

Anyway, I’m actually doing quite well emotionally.  I think I’m getting more and more immune to the day to day complaints and recriminations.  Because Hub lets me vent, and then with patience and without fail tells me “YOU HAD NO OTHER CHOICE!”  Yes, he's my personal therapist and even though he's free, he's worth every penny.  (ha ha)

(Okay, done and DONE.)

Exercise has been stellar, if I do say so myself.  It helps that I have a trainer that kicks my butt 4 times a week; then I do cardio on my own one other day.  On the other two days, I mostly keep busy with chores at home, walking 3 dogs, etc. 

Food…well, meh. That’s up and down.  But at least there have been no compulsive sugar binges.  Yay!  Weight seems to be stable (I'm guessing it's around 165-170), but it goes without saying, I’d like to lose a couple of pounds before we go to Hawaii later this month (just for a week...on business...but we'll be on the beach a bit of course).  If I could just clean up my diet a bit, I think the pounds would drop and I’d be happy.  But then again, not going to get crazy about it.  "Crazy" when it comes to my diet is a behavior that is mostly in the past and which never proved to productive long term anyway (in fact it was counter productive).

I turned 64 at the end of February, so looking at perhaps retiring next year after I turn 65 (if hub ever decides to quit working). So I have that to look forward to.

Hope everyone is doing welll!  Thanks for reading.