Bye for now...

I haven't had much to say lately. That's partly because when I do post, I don't get much feedback. There are a few special bloggers out there, who always comment and offer support. You know who you are, and I love you for it.

But, other than those faithful folks…well, I've honestly tried to branch out, and leave comments on lots of other weight loss blogs, but I never seem to get many reciprocal comments. As a result, I've lost a lot of the "joy" of blogging, which, let's be honest, is very much related to getting feedback and comments, especially when I've tried to reach out to others.

I've tried to analyze why this is. The first thought is...I'm just really boring. But then I thought about it some more...and I think it's because I don't really fit in with the "weight loss" crowd. I don't really know what you live with every day. I have a whole other set of issues that really aren't about weight loss, or food. My issues are thinking I'm fat when I'm not; they are about a severely distorted body image and a variety of social phobias related to eating, due to childhood trauma. And I don't think that is the type of thing that people who are really trying to lose a lot of weight, or maintain a weight loss, want to read about. We all have a limited amount of time and energy to spend blogging, and it's natural to spend it on and with people who are struggling with the same issues.

So, I'm just going to take a break from blogging. I'll still visit my favorite blogs and comment. Because even though I don't know you personally, there are so many of you that I truly love and appreciate and admire.

Take care.

Screwy Perceptions

Perception is a funny thing. As I said in one of my recent posts, I had gained two pounds. The number that showed on the scale made me feel very fat.

But if I had seen that number 6 months ago, when I weighed about 10 lbs more than I do now, it would have made me feel very skinny.

The fact is, whether the number on the scale was two pounds one way or the other, or even if it was still the 10-lbs-heavier number, all should be fine. They are all "normal" weights.

I spent a lot of time talking to Dr D about my screwed up perceptions. I have come to the conclusion that I actually "like" my eating disorder in some strange way. It is like an old friend. Kind of like drugs, I think. Although it often makes my life miserable, it also gives me a lot of comfort, even happiness sometimes (when my weight is going down), so it is hard to actually give it up. Dr D says it is probably because constantly thinking about my weight and being involved in disordered eating patterns, is less stressful than thinking about what happened to me as a child and dealing with that.

I suppose there is some truth to that.

Dr D decided to give me a test that is normally given to anorexics, regarding body image and self-worth associated with weight. Even though she and I have now been working together over a year, my numbers were still off the chart, much higher than even "average" anorexics. This seemed odd to me, especially since I'm not anorexic. And it was a bit discouraging. But Dr D says I just need patience, it takes time to change ingrained perceptions. (And money…I'll probably run out of money before I run out of patience...lol)

Dr D thinks my numbers are so high because anorexics often develop their anorexia as a result of outside social pressure or from stress, as a way to control their lives. Meanwhile, my eating disorder was developed as a result of having a mother who was anorexic and she imprinted upon me from the youngest age possible that we (both of us) were worthless unless we were thin. Does that make sense?

I was talking to my mom on the phone yesterday, and she made an off-hand remark that she felt like a fat hog. I was ruminating on that remark, and she got really offended that I didn't just jump right in and contradict her…that I didn't say "Oh, Mom, you are not fat." In the past, that's what I would have said, but I don't want to go there anymore. I'm tired of enabling her in her own eating disorder. So instead I said, "You know, Mom, you and I have both spent our whole lives thinking we were fat when we are not. I wonder why that is?" That stopped her in her tracks. She really didn't have an answer, and she changed the subject. But it made me feel empowered to have actually said that to her. Baby steps.

Anyway, enough of this self-reflection! It's a beautiful day, and I need to take B to the park. Enjoy your weekend!

GUILTY

Count 1 - 1st degree Aggravated Murder - GUILTY

Count 2 - 1st degree Aggravated Murder - GUILTY

Count 3 - 1st degree Aggravated Murder - GUILTY

Count 4 - 1st degree Aggravated Murder - GUILTY

Count 5 - 1st degree Arson - GUILTY

The jury only deliberated a day and a half. When I heard that the verdict had come in so quickly, I knew in my heart that the news would be good. I just didn't know how good.

The main emotion I am feeling now is one of relief, and gratitude. It seems a bit distasteful to be "happy," in the sense that one thinks about that emotion. But in the overall scheme of this being the best outcome possible of a tragic situation...yes, I guess I am happy.

Now the case goes back to the same jury for the penalty phase. THE MURDERER (no more "alleged") will either get the death penalty or life in prison without possibility of parole. Either way...I know what I want to happen, but I'll be satisfied with whatever the jury decides. They have proven that they are a good jury.

(I am looking forward to getting my emotions, and therefore my life, food, etc, back to normal.)