I spent all day today at the trial I linked you to a few days ago. I just got back to the office, and was thinking I should go work out before I go home. But to be honest, right now I’m mentally exhausted. Plus I didn’t have much to eat today so I just now scarfed down a pear and a bunch of rice crackers…and now my stomach feels kind of weird. I think I’ll skip working out today in the spirit of not being compulsive about exercise.
Tomorrow night hub and I are going to see the violinist Itzhak Perlman at the Seattle Symphony. We saw him last year, and he was incredible. Last year we had crappy seats, way in the back, so this year I got tickets early and we are right down front. So I’m REALLY looking forward to that. It will a good diversion to clear my mind.
Have a good evening, everyone…I’ll try to post more this weekend.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
I Can Eat a Donut and I Wish My Mother Would
I was at a recurring meeting this morning with a bunch of guys who hadn't seen me for a few months. As usual, they had donuts at the meeting. Now in the past I've always really agonized over eating a donut. Sometimes I would be able to resist, and other times I wouldn't. If I did take a donut, I wouldn't usually eat it until I was alone, in my car on my way back to my office. Bottom line, there was always a fierce internal struggle.
I've worked with all these guys for years, and they are like my brothers, so that was always part of the struggle. It meant they might comment on my eating the donut. "Do you think you should be eating that?" or "You're going to get fat!" Typical guy/brother comments, you know. Anyway, today I decided I could have a donut if I wanted one (part of my "being normal" therapy per Dr D) and I could eat it in front of people. So I ate the donut, and enjoyed the heck out of it. And one was plenty, I didn't need another.
But during a break, one of the guys said…"Eat another donut! You're wasting away!" Now, honestly, I'm not wasting away. I have lost a little weight since the last meeting, but still, I was shocked that anyone (especially a guy) would have noticed, and that he would have characterized it as my being "too" thin. After the initial shock...did I get off on that comment? Of course I did. And of course, it made me want to double down! Let's start eating less! Better yet, let's starve!
WHOA…I definitely need to be aware of these triggers. I seem to be particularly vulnerable right now for some reason. Normal is such a difficult concept. I'm still working on it, though.
I had an interesting therapy session last Thursday, and I want to tell you about it:
My mom has a snapshot on her refrigerator of her and my dad. It's her favorite picture because it was when she was her skinniest. I've often told my mom how much I hate that picture, because I think she looks really creepy. Huge head, stick-figure body. Kind of like a skeleton with skin stretched over the bones. But she insists that she looked great. The picture was taken at a family reunion when people actually asked me if my mom had cancer, that's how skinny she was.
In previous therapy sessions, I had told Dr D about the picture, but it was hard to describe. So the last time I was at Mom's house, I took a "picture of the picture" with my Blackberry (I was surprised how well it came out). So as I showed Dr D the picture, I kind of chuckled about it a little. You know, "Ha ha, how could anybody think that looked good?" But all of a sudden the chuckle turned to a big lump in my throat. When I started talking out loud about it, I kind of came unglued. It just set me off and I spent the greater portion of the session crying, and finally downright sobbing.
I was okay just looking at that picture when I was by myself, but when I showed it to Dr D, something about talking about it brought up some really strong emotions and horrible memories. It literally made me want to throw up. I just don't understand how someone can think being skin and bones looks good.
So that's at least a good sign for me…I definitely do not want to look like that, and I don't think I would ever let myself get that bad. Anyway, honestly, I'm doing fine. I working through it all. I have the support system I need (all my bloggy friends are big part of that), and it will all be okay, I know.
I've worked with all these guys for years, and they are like my brothers, so that was always part of the struggle. It meant they might comment on my eating the donut. "Do you think you should be eating that?" or "You're going to get fat!" Typical guy/brother comments, you know. Anyway, today I decided I could have a donut if I wanted one (part of my "being normal" therapy per Dr D) and I could eat it in front of people. So I ate the donut, and enjoyed the heck out of it. And one was plenty, I didn't need another.
But during a break, one of the guys said…"Eat another donut! You're wasting away!" Now, honestly, I'm not wasting away. I have lost a little weight since the last meeting, but still, I was shocked that anyone (especially a guy) would have noticed, and that he would have characterized it as my being "too" thin. After the initial shock...did I get off on that comment? Of course I did. And of course, it made me want to double down! Let's start eating less! Better yet, let's starve!
WHOA…I definitely need to be aware of these triggers. I seem to be particularly vulnerable right now for some reason. Normal is such a difficult concept. I'm still working on it, though.
I had an interesting therapy session last Thursday, and I want to tell you about it:
My mom has a snapshot on her refrigerator of her and my dad. It's her favorite picture because it was when she was her skinniest. I've often told my mom how much I hate that picture, because I think she looks really creepy. Huge head, stick-figure body. Kind of like a skeleton with skin stretched over the bones. But she insists that she looked great. The picture was taken at a family reunion when people actually asked me if my mom had cancer, that's how skinny she was.
In previous therapy sessions, I had told Dr D about the picture, but it was hard to describe. So the last time I was at Mom's house, I took a "picture of the picture" with my Blackberry (I was surprised how well it came out). So as I showed Dr D the picture, I kind of chuckled about it a little. You know, "Ha ha, how could anybody think that looked good?" But all of a sudden the chuckle turned to a big lump in my throat. When I started talking out loud about it, I kind of came unglued. It just set me off and I spent the greater portion of the session crying, and finally downright sobbing.
I was okay just looking at that picture when I was by myself, but when I showed it to Dr D, something about talking about it brought up some really strong emotions and horrible memories. It literally made me want to throw up. I just don't understand how someone can think being skin and bones looks good.
So that's at least a good sign for me…I definitely do not want to look like that, and I don't think I would ever let myself get that bad. Anyway, honestly, I'm doing fine. I working through it all. I have the support system I need (all my bloggy friends are big part of that), and it will all be okay, I know.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Awww...
DIANA and FATINAH, thank you both for the Beautiful Blogger award. Sorry it took me so long to get around to acknowledging it.
I usually ignore awards...for many reasons. But, I've been trying to do things outside of my comfort zone and striving to be a more open person. So I'm accepting this award...again, thank you!
So, the rules are you have to tell 7 things about you that people might not know. The only way I could come up with anything was to go through my old pictures. Then I thought...I'm using the pictures to come up with the ideas, I might as well include the pictures in my post.
So here it is...my "7 things in pictures" (you can click to enlarge):
1. I play the bagpipes and the Scottish side drum and was in a bagpipe band in college.
That's me (the tall one) smiling at the camera
2 - When I was in my early 20's, I worked for a company that was a subsidiary of Pan American World Airways, and one of the perks was flight benefits. As a result I've been to many different countries, sometimes for only a day or two! One of my favorite trips was to go with friends to London for the weekend.
During one of my weekends in London
3 - When I became a firefighter in 1980, I was the only woman in my department. It took the guys a while to figure out I wasn't a "women's libber" (their term, not mine) or trying to make a statement …I just wanted a job.
Resting during a practice burn 19814 - I have studied and collected antique jewelry for several years, and I've attended "Jewelry Camp" in New York and Rhode Island. I especially love the Victorian era. My pride and joy is a salamander brooch, from about 1890, made of gold, demantoid garnets, and diamonds, with ruby eyes. Look at his little feet...such detail...what incredible workmanship!
My little salamander friend5 - I'm extremely allergic to a lot of animals, including birds, cats, and horses. (Fortunately, not dogs!!) I can walk into a house and know if they have cats because I start to itch and have trouble breathing within a minute. I love cats, so I used to actually have one until my asthma got so bad that I was always wired on asthma medicine. This sweet little Siamese kitty below ended up living with my parents because I couldn't keep her. Then I found out I was allergic to horses when I was doing an inspection at a stable, and started having an asthma attack. I'd never been around horses before so I was totally unaware that I was allergic to them...
I loved my kitty, but...What was I thinking???6 - I went to Catholic school from kindergarten until 8th grade and I loved it. This must be the reason my girlfriends all tell me that I'm so "catholic."
The good girl...8th Grade Graduation
7 - As a result of some charity work I did in the early 1980's, I became an honorary Sea Fair pirate princess.
Pirate Princess...Aaaargh!So, here are my picks for passing on the Beautiful Blogger award...
I know some of you have already been given this award by other bloggers, but you're getting it again from ME...because you are all Beautiful to ME!
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