My mom...and her dogs

My mom passed away on February 1.  After breaking her leg in July, she never recovered.  In spite of how wonderfully cared for she was at the Adult Family Home, in late December, she started refusing medication, food and drink.  Hospice was brought on board (a wonderful service by the way).  So over a 6 week period, she withered away, finally passing away peacefully.  She had turned 90 on December 21. 

My mom had borderline personality disorder and she physically and mentally abused my brother and me from the time we were tiny children.  My most vivid childhood memories involve being terrified of her.  She also had a serious eating disorder that lasted her whole life.  I know her disorder contributed to my own.  Her favorite saying was, "You can never be too rich or too thin," and she honestly believed that.  Even in her later years, she constantly talked about how she didn't want to get fat and she prided herself on only eating a piece of toast at breakfast and a small dinner.

When she died, her death certificate listed the cause of death as "inanition."  I had to look it up.  It means the most extreme form of malnutrition.  I guess she finally achieved being thin enough.

Fortunately, I had the means in the last 30 years to go through tons of therapy and I was able to come to grips (for the most part) with my childhood, my PTSD and my anorexia, bulimia, and body dysmorphic disorder.  I came to understand that my mom was not a bad person.  Rather she grew up in a very dysfunctional household herself (abandoned by an abusive, alcoholic father after which she was farmed out to another relative because her mother could not care for all the children).  When she had her own children, she did the best she could.  I have to believe that, for my own sanity.  For the most part, I've been able to let go of the anger I felt toward her for the majority of my adult life.  I forgave her for what she did to me.       

Deep down I loved my mom and I know she loved me.  I thank heavens that she passed away before Covid19 invaded our everyday lives and they started to limit visitors, even family, into the elder care facilities. I can’t imagine not being able to be with her in the days before she passed. 

Now...about my mom's dogs Bonnie and Jennie

When we moved my mom into the Assisted Living Facility 4 years ago for her safety, my husband and I took over her 2 dogs Bonnie and Jennie.  It was the only way we could get her to move, by promising to care for them. But for 4 years, I still referred to them as my mother's dogs.  For 4 years, my mother would lash out in anger at me that I had ruined her life.  She would accuse me of stealing her dogs from her.  Whenever I took them to visit her, she would tell everyone that they were HER dogs.  So it was hard to bond with Bonnie and Jennie under those circumstances.  For 4 years, although I cared for them, I always emotionally kept them at arms length.  When people would call me their mom, I'd say "I'm not those dogs' mom.  I'm just their caretaker."  Yes, they bonded with me, as dogs will do with the person who cares for them day to day.  But I wasn't going to give them my heart, because they weren't my dogs.

Then Bonnie died unexpectedly on Wednesday.

We had just spent the weekend at the ocean, and that dog ran like the wind on the beach!  She and Jennie had such a great time.  

But she started to get sick on Tuesday evening, and I took her to her regular vet on Wednesday morning. There were indications that her gallbladder was inflamed, so they had me take her to a specialty vet for possible surgery. Unfortunately, tests showed that the gallbladder issue had also caused major damage to her other organs. It was doubtful that she would recover from surgery, so the most humane thing to do was to let her go.

Because of Covid19, they were limiting people coming into the vets office.  They would come out to the car to pick up the animals, and then they were doing everything else by phone.  So that's how we got the bad diagnosis.  After I discussed the situation with my husband, I called back to inform the doctor of our decision.  Then I asked if we could come inside to say goodbye to her in spite of the restrictions.  The doctor said, of course they make an exception in these cases.  So my husband and I went inside into an exam room and they brought her to us. She was obviously drugged up with pain medication, but she perked up a bit when she saw us.  I think she knew us.  Sobbing, I held her for a few minutes, we both petted her and told her what a good girl she was.  Then I kissed her head and told her I loved her, after that they took her away. 

My husband said that he thought my mother called Bonnie to be with her. I'm not sure I agree, but it's a nice thought.  Meanwhile, I still didn't think I was that attached to Bonnie because technically she really wasn't my dog.

Good grief.  How can you have a complicated relationship with a dog???  But when I said goodbye and told her I loved her, I realized afterwards that I really meant it. Otherwise, why say that to a dog?  

And I'm surprised now at hard it was to say goodbye, and how upset I am now and how much I miss her now.  Yeah, complicated.

Anyway, now we just have Jennie, and I intend to love her as hard as I can.  Because she's MY DOG now.   It took losing Bonnie to realize that it's okay to love Jennie.

Back to Semi-Normal

I’m feeling much better after my sickness during my vacation.  In fact, I’m pretty much back on track with my workouts and eating.

Tuesday was my first real workout with my trainer Steve after being on vacation and sick.  When I walked in the door of the gym, he said “Welcome back, Champ!”  It turned out I had won the Holiday Challenge, basically just a challenge to keep people active for 6 weeks surrounding Thanksgiving.  I won a $100 gift card!  In this case, I won for highest average MEP’s (MyZone Effort Points) during a workout.

I didn't mention here before that I had been seeing a cardiologist  for my AFib and she had me wearing a  heart monitor for week in early November.  This is the thing that they glue to your chest, and when you feel any heart symptoms, like fluttering or skipped beats, you push a button.  During the week I was wearing it, I was supposed to go about my normal business, including working out.  I really didn’t have many AFib symptoms except ONCE while I was on the treadmill, I felt my heart start jumping and so I pushed the button.  Then it calmed down right away so I kept working out, still it stuck in my mind so that I remembered later.

So when I looked at the stats and saw I had my max heart rate had been 189 (which is unusually high), I jokingly said to Steve “I’ll bet that max HR was when I was having AFib.”  Sure enough I checked later, and it was!

So I texted Steve along with a screen shot of that workout...

We've been working out together for almost 5 years, and I love this guy so much, he's like a brother to me.  Not only is he the best trainer ever, we have identical senses of humor when it comes to things that could be serious, but also we don’t take ourselves too seriously.

That said, on a truly serious note, turns out my AFib is getting to be a more regular occurrence (happens with age, I guess) so my cardiologist wants me to take a blood thinner.  She gave me Xarelto which I took for a week but I HATED it.  I felt like I was being poisoned.  So she prescribed Eliquis which I haven't started taking yet because I have a medical procedure scheduled for early January and the instructions say to stop taking blood thinners for a week beforehand.  I'm still not sure I even want to take it, maybe I'll just keep taking aspirin.  I guess it's a gamble, but I really don't have any other risk factors.  And my coronary artery calcium scan score was ZERO, which means I have no plaque in my arteries. 

Anyway, it's something to ponder over the holidays.   

Best Laid Vacation Plans

The day after Thanksgiving, my husband and I both started to get head colds.  

I tried to beat it by using Zicam and other cold medicines.  My symptoms remained mild, so I thought I had succeeded.  But then Saturday, when we were  supposed to fly to Palm Springs, I got a text first thing in the morning from Alaska Airlines that our flight had been cancelled due to the weather in San Francisco (high winds and rain). 

I started to try to figure out how to get to Palm Springs either later in the day or Sunday.  Of course, the weekend after Thanksgiving is the most traveled weekend in the year so I wasn’t having any luck.

About an hour after the first text, I got another text that the flight would now leave out of San Jose.  Yay, at least we were going but I had to figure out what it all meant.  We had to quickly pack and go to SFO to catch a shuttle to San Jose.  Shuttle turned out to be an Uber that was arranged for us by Alaska Airlines.  I will say that the staff at Alaska Airlines assistance was first rate and so helpful.  And I was very glad the we didn't have to get on a BUS to San Jose!  

It ended up working out fine, but I get very stressed over such things.  I’m sure that created an opportunity for my cold virus to kick into high gear.  By the time we got to Palm Springs, our colds were worse.  Over the course of 3 more days, my husband and I never left the condo we were using.

Then Tuesday night, I had an attack of Atrial Fibrillation that lasted about 2 hours.  Although I'm generally extremely healthy, I sometimes get AFib when if I’m sick or unduly stressed.  And now I have an App on my phone that can tell me if I'm really experiencing it and/or how bad it is.  Yup, it was bad. I felt like I had a fish flopping around in my chest. 

All those little red arrows are irregular beats, and the upper scratching is my heart rate changing between around 70 bpm to 150 bpm. 

My husband and I had just pulled into the ER parking lot, when it finally resolved on its own. At least we knew where the ER was, because oddly and coincidentally, the next night HE had an AFib attack and it didn’t resolve after 2 hours.  We ended up spending 5 hours in the ER and they had to give him an IV drug to get it to go back to normal rhythm.   Again, the ER staff was first class and he’s fine now but that was more stress, it was freezing in the ER and I think I got worn out. 

So the next morning, I was feeling really bad.  My husband said, why don’t we see if we can just go home early (rather than wait until Sunday).  I started looking to exchange our tickets when I got a call from my mom’s Adult Family Home that she was very sick with a UTI and might be on the verge of passing away.  I actually had to have the discussion with her doctor about what if she didn’t respond to antibiotics.

Enough said, we left that night and got home Thursday around midnight, exhausted.  I had told the dog sitter that we were coming home early so she had cleaned up to the best of her ability, but...she's not normally a very organized or tidy person.  She had turned the house into a doggie playland and didn't have a chance to regroup completely.  So our house was a mess.  But at that point, who cares?!?  At least we were home and I could be sick in my own bed! 

Friday morning, I felt terrible (sore throat, coughing, icky mucus, no voice).  I kept waiting to feel better, but I didn’t. I stopped in to see my mom, but I was afraid of passing on something to her in her weakened state, so I literally stayed 5 minutes and didn't touch her.  I don’t think she even knew who I was.

I ended up going to Urgent Care yesterday, turns out I had developed a sinus infection.  On antibiotics now, I’m finally feeling a bit better.  

As an update to my mom: She is in a very fragile state and any infection can cause her death.  Fortunately, they were able to get a urine sample and find a different kind of antibiotic to try.  So she has come back from the brink, she’s still very weak and can’t follow any commands, such as “eat” so she has to be fed.  Honestly, every time she has another one of these infections, she goes a little more down hill.  At some point, it will just be a matter of keeping her comfortable and not treating her.

The funny thing is, even thought this was a very unfortunate vacation, I’m so glad to be home and also so glad that my mom is in good hands.  So still thankful!

From the plane, a view of the mountains outside of Palm Springs...
this was the most "outdoors" we saw the whole time there