Binge and Recovery

Sorry I haven't posted lately. I actually had a post ready when Blogger went down on Thursday. Then I got busy and didn't have a chance to update it and post it until this morning.

Yesterday, the sun was shining so I worked outside on my garden most of the day. It's amazing what a little sunshine does for my mood. Unfortunately, today it is raining again. But the extended forecast does at least have some sun!

I spent Wednesday with my mom, and on the way home I ate a whole bag of Caramel Crunch Chex Mix. 8 servings in the bag, 120 calories each, 21 carbs a serving. It didn't even taste that good, and I felt like crap while I ate it. Afterwards I had a horrible stomach ache, but for some reason I just felt the need to eat mindlessly on the way home. Well, not for "some" reason. Rather, because my mom still drives me crazy. She can be so critical and self-absorbed. Fortunately, I was able to pull myself together and get back on the 4HB program Thursday.

Then I spent most of my session on Thursday with Dr D discussing the event. The nice thing is she brings me back to reality. I spent the 24 hours after eating the Chex mix obsessing and reliving the eating. Thinking about what a horrible person I am for eating that. Dr D brings me back to reality. I'm not a horrible person because I ate compulsively. One binge is not the end of the world, and 98 percent of the time I'm doing great. The other 2 percent, when I react to situations emotionally by binging doesn't mean I'm a worthless person. I need to remember that, and not beat myself up so badly.

I've decided to not weigh myself anymore, since I seem to be stuck at one weight (plus or minus one or two pounds). The normal "up" fluctuations wreak havoc with my mood and self-esteem. The "down" fluctuations are so tenuous and fleeting, that it causes me too much trepidation and anxiety because I anticipate they are not going to stay. So it's just not worth it anymore. Instead, I have a old pair of jeans that fit me perfectly when I weighed about 5 lbs less than I do now. I tried them on yesterday, and they were snug, which was fine because I didn't expect them to fit at all. From now on, I'll try these jeans on every Friday and the way they fit will be my guide as to how I'm doing.

I hope everyone is having a nice Sunday. I just hope it stops raining long enough that I can at least take B to the park.

Out of Sorts

I've been feeling a bit down lately. I think I have spring fever but no real spring to go along with it. The weather has been cold and rainy and depressing.

No news on the weight loss front. No loss but at least no gain. Still doing the 4HB program, but I'm having trouble getting motivated to exercise. I even brought my workout clothes with me this morning, but I found a lot of excuses throughout the day. I think part of my problem is that my back has been bothering me for the last few months…but mostly at night, which is weird. It's gradually gotten worse and worse, to the point that it wakes me up with a feeling like I have a knife stuck in my left hip. I've been taking a couple of Tylenol before I go to bed but it doesn't help. So I haven't been sleeping well, which I think saps my energy, thus no desire to exercise. The truth is my back would probably feel better if I exercised, but I think I'm a bit lazy too. I finally made an appointment with my sports medicine doc next week to see if we can figure out what it is.

Some sad news last week…a friend was found dead in her apartment last week. She and I used to be very close, but she had some mental health issues, and we drifted apart because she just got too flaky for me. The last time I saw her was about 2 years ago. And now I've been feeling guilty that I didn't make more of an effort to stay in touch with her or help her. I told this to a mutual friend, and as we talked it through, I realized that she shut me out, not the other way around. Still, I'm feeling very sad about it. There has been no announcement of the cause of death so far, although there have been some rather disturbing details which I can't share here.

Well, I have a few things to do before I go to bed. I hope everyone is having a good week. Take care.

Here Comes the Sun

Today is gorgeous. I can almost see my garden growing! My snap peas have already started sprouting, and although it is supposed to rain tomorrow, the forecast is for (some) sun over the next week. In the Pacific Northwest, we are ecstatic if the forecast just includes SOME sun.

Yesterday was cheat day, so last night we went to a new Thai restaurant with some friends. The food was really delicious, then last night before bed I had cake and ice cream (leftover cake from Easter, which we had put in the freezer). But then I had a horrible night. I'm finding is that I don't sleep very well after cheat day. I toss and turn, my stomach is queasy, and I have heart palpitations and hot flashes which I seldom do during the week. I'm sure this is related to the sugar, so I think I'm going to cut back, or at least don't have such a large amount so close to bedtime. I don't think my body knows what to do with that huge blast of sugar, especially since it gets NO sugar the rest of the week.

I recently watched a movie on Hulu called Fat Head, which is a rebuttal to the movie Super Size Me. As a person on a low-carb diet, I found Fat Head very enlightening. It is disturbing to look at how our government gets involved in so much of our daily lives, and often pushes products based on politics and agendas rather than science.

Well, I've just finished brunch (eggs, pinto beans, and some round steak), so now it's time to get outside and enjoy the sun while it lasts.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend!