No Surprises Here

With everything that's been going on, my "carby" eating, and not really working out much this week...it's no surprise that when I weighed myself this morning, I had gained 2 lbs from last week.

But I can deal with it. No freak out here. I mean, why should I freak out? I know why it happened. It's called "normal" weight gain...logical weight gain, based on the laws of physics. It would have been "not normal" to have not gained any weight. I feel good that I'm starting to think about this weight thing in a more reasonable, less emotional way.

In about an hour, B and I are going with Pam and Olive and Kermit for the Big Walk. It's such a beautiful day. I was surprised to see frost on the ground this morning, but it's starting to warm up and the temp should be just right for a good walk.

Closing

Today…finally…closing arguments.

My Deputy Chief and I got to the courthouse about 8 a.m. to get a seat in the packed courtroom. Court started at 9 a.m. The first half hour was jury instructions, by the extremely capable Judge.

Then our Prosecutor started his summation. He talked for almost 2 hours. He was fantastic. I am so proud of him. Close to the end he talked about how the victims fought furiously for their lives. If they hadn't fought so hard, we would probably never know who had done this to them. But their DNA tells the story of what happened.

When our Prosecutor described how these beautiful women struggled for their lives...struggled against the coward who had invaded their home in the dark of night...I cried. I saw what they had gone through. It haunts me still. I witnessed the aftermath, the fire, the blood, the nightmarish chaos. It is beyond imagining, what they went through. And the 2 beautiful little boys...babies, literally...3 and 5 years old. Throats slit. How could someone do such a thing.

The Defense Attorney tried to implant the seeds of doubt. Silly stuff, out of left field. Mountains of evidence, but a few small things are supposed to make the Jurors have "reasonable doubt." Please. I know this man is doing his job, but I hate him. I hate him almost as much as I hate his "Client."

Our wonderful Prosecutor had the last word. Rebuttal. He did an incredible job of Rebuttal. He pointed out how ridiculous the Defense's arguments were.

But still...I am scared. Jurors are human. They may believe the unbelievable things the Defense said. Doubt. Reasonable Doubt. That's what they call it. Reasonable Doubt. I'll admit...I am so fucking scared of so-called Reasonable Doubt.

But I am glad things are coming to a close. If for no other reason than it has been going on for so long. Almost 4 years. So many people are waiting for JUSTICE. They deserve JUSTICE.

It's now in the hands of the Jury.

...So how did I handle it?

I sat with my co-workers and friends. At breaks, we hugged each other with tears in our eyes. We had gone through this experience together, so today we shared our feelings without the need to speak about it.

I spoke to the victims' family members, wonderful people. Today, we were all family, due to our shared experience and our mutual love for the victims. Even though I didn't know the victims before the crime occurred, as a result of the work we did during the investigation, I know them now.

Then...

I ate bagels, pizza, candy, and doughnuts.

Then...

I had several drinks afterwards with a friend who understands.

I don't feel guilty or bad about that. The fact is...today I felt an incredibly urgent need to stuff away these feelings of sadness and anger bordering on rage.

I know I just need to get through this experience by whatever means necessary. If that involves food and alcohol, so be it.

When it's over, I can get back to normal. Today was not normal, and I know that. So I can deal with it, the feelings and my abnormal food response, and the alcohol. It is what it is.

It will all be over soon. I will get through this, because it is not about me. It's about 4 beautiful, innocent lives who were snuffed out in an unfathomably brutal way. I can't stop thinking about those sweet little boys, and how scared they must have been. It literally makes me sick. And how their mother and her sister fought Evil. Thank God they fought so hard, so that we can know who did this, this incredibly evil deed.

I hope this makes sense, I know I'm rambling. Thanks for being there.

Catch Up Post

Sorry I’ve not posted for a while. I really just haven’t had much to say.

I survived Easter without eating too much. The "survival" part was more related to spending time with my family, rather than over-eating. The good thing is, I am finding myself a bit less stressed these days during family get-togethers. I don’t realize it until after it is over, when I reflect that I didn’t get as anxious either before or during as I used to…although I definitely still do breathe a big sigh of relief when Hub and I are on our way home afterwards.

I do have a new activity I’m involved with…a few weeks ago, I was approached by one of the lead ushers at our church, asking me to consider being an usher “on her team.” Hub and I usually try to maintain a very low profile at church, we sit in the back, and that’s always been fine with us. But this lady is very nice, although a bit pushy. When I told her I would think about it…next thing you know, she’s introducing me (by e-mail) to the other ushers on the team. Well, what can I say, I figured what the heck. It’s been fun and not at all difficult or onerous. And everyone is so appreciative of the little extra effort it takes to be involved.

So far, I’d received training at just 2 (relatively sparsely attended) Saturday night services, and my first “on-my-own” ushering gig was…the 9 a.m. Easter Sunday service. Talk about a fast track to the Big Time! (ha ha) Compared to regular church services, Easter service is a whole ‘nuther animal! Crowded and crazy. After the service, one of the other ushers said, “For never having ushered on your own, you certainly do project confidence!” I think it is not confidence so much as bossiness...I found I have a low tolerance for people who try to save large blocks of seats (for family members who are supposedly "on their way") when there are people who have made the effort to get to church on time. "Shape up or ship out" is my motto. lol.

Closing arguments begin in the trial on Wednesday...at least that’s the schedule right now. You never know. The trial has been going since January 20, with things taking a lot longer than they should because of the Defense (my opinion). Whenever it is, I will be in attendance as well as several other people from my department. I want to look that POS in the eyes and see if I can detect any humanity at all. We've done our best, but if you could please say a prayer that the jury will be guided to do the right thing, I’d appreciate it. I am feeling very vindictive (after all I'm only human), so I know what outcome I want. To be honest, I'm feeling a bit guilty about that....but not a lot. The fact is it will be in God’s hands...Still I don't think it hurts to bend His ear a bit. So, thanks. I'll keep you posted on how things go with that.