DUH!

I had some interesting comments on my last post. There sure are a lot of people out there that hate mirrors (and photos). However, in general, people alluded to the fact that when they lost weight, they felt better about looking in the mirror. That’s never been the case for me…no matter what I weigh, I’ve always hated seeing my reflection. Tammy had the most thought provoking comment that my mirror avoidance may be a symptom of something larger.

I did a Google search on “Mirror Avoidance” and I found some eye opening information. I may have BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder). Here is a link to one article, with a few of the highlights:

*Since many BDD sufferers experience tremendous shame over their appearance, they may choose not to reveal their concerns to anyone, including their therapist…

*BDD involves much obsessional thinking over the body part, to the point where someone may obsess over it for hours each day. There are also numerous behaviors which may suggest the presence of BDD, such as mirror checking or mirror avoidance...

*Many people with BDD also will compare their body part(s) to those of others, such as friends, family members, or people in the public eye…

*In addition, people with BDD often engage in “camouflaging,” which refers to attempts to try and mask the body part…

*It is critically important to recognize that BDD rarely exists without the existence of other psychiatric disorders. Major depression and social phobia are quite common…

I don't know why, in 55 years, this has never occurred to me before that my obsession might not be normal. DUH! So, why NOW do I think I might actually have BDD...After looking at the symptoms above, I did a quick comparison:

*My weight has always been my obsession. There's often been an element of shame about not being the perfect weight.
*I often compare myself to others. When I see someone I think is about my size I ask my husband “Do I look like that?” He usually will say… “Are you kidding…that person is a lot larger than you are.” Other times, I will see someone I wish I looked like, and my husband will say “Are you kidding...That person is sickly thin!” When I was younger, I always compared myself to my petite, skinny cousins.
*I’ve been treated for depression at various times over the years, but I’ve never told a therapist that I am afraid to look in the mirror. (The only people who know are you, my blogging friends, and my husband…and now the lady at work who I told the other day…and boy did I change the subject fast when I realized what I had said).
*I’m afraid to eat in front of others, which I think could be characterized as “social phobia.”
*I always try to dress to camouflage my body, especially my stomach and my butt.
*I’ve seriously contemplated plastic surgery such as liposuction, and the only reason I did not have it done is because I either couldn’t afford it, or my husband wouldn’t let me have it because he said that I absolutely don’t need it.

So…now that I’ve been thinking about it., I decided to look on line for BDD therapist in my area, and I think I’m going to call the one I found.

(It’s weird as I sit here typing this, I can feel myself getting very stressed out. My face is beet red flushed and I’m having heart palpitations. Right now, I don’t want to type about this anymore…so I'm just going to post this before I overthink it)

Mirror, Mirror...

I had an interesting experience today. I was chatting with a lady in our office about the banquet the other night. I mentioned that I had been a bit nervous about what to wear because I didn’t know if I could find anything to fit. She said that she thought the red jacket I wore was lovely, and it looked really good on me. As the conversation went on, we started talking about body image. I mentioned that I try not to look at myself in the mirror, other than my face when I put on make up.

She thought I was kidding and I kind of changed the subject at that point.

But that fact is, I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I’ve been this way ever since I can remember. It even kind of scares me to look at myself.

Whenever I’ve taken a yoga class or an aerobics class, if I can’t get a spot in the back away from the mirror, I will not take the class. When I lift weights, I turn away from the mirror. When I worked out with a personal trainer, I insisted that we had to go into a location of the room where I could avoid looking at my reflection.

Whenever I do have to buy clothes, I turn away from the mirror until I get the clothes on. I never turn to look until the clothes actually fit; and then, it’s a quick glance to see if it’s acceptable enough to purchase, then I turn away immediately.

Even in those times when I was a good weight or even underweight, I still avoided looking at myself. So it wasn’t like I would spend a lot of time looking at myself and saying “You’re fat!” and hating myself. It’s always just been a matter of avoiding the mirror, and it doesn’t matter if I’m clothed or naked, I just avoid it.

And yet, I'm obsessed with my appearance. When someone at work will compliment me on my outfit (on days I don't wear my uniform), I often joke about my OCD, how everything I wear has to be "matchy-matchy" and how long it can take me to get ready. I often change my outfit, or pieces of it, 5 or 6 times before I can leave the house. I have even gotten half way to work and turned around to change something.

It’s not really a debilitating thing…it’s just that when I mention this kind of stuff to other “normal” people, I’m not necessarily thinking the behavior is weird. But when I get an interesting reaction like I did today, it makes me wonder…is anyone else out there like this? I realize that everyone may not spend a lot of time looking in the mirror, but to actually try to avoid it altogether?

Lost weekend

That’s what it feels like. I had such a busy weekend that I’m having trouble remembering exactly how I did food and activity wise. I think I’ll just try to recreate it in my mind by putting it down here chronologically.

I "think" Saturday was a good day. :-)

I do remember taking B for the BIG WALK with our friend & her dogs. We go to a park nearby that is miles of trails, and the dogs can be off leash. It’s a pretty stout walk, up and down hills and it takes over an hour, and we love it. Everyone we meet makes a fuss over our dogs, because they are all small and cute and friendly to both people and other dogs.

After that it gets a bit hazy. Our department banquet was Saturday night. I remember worrying a bit all day about what to wear. I’m never sure what will fit, if anything. I ended up wearing black slacks and a red jacket that I got from Chico’s about 8 years ago. It actually fit fine and was not outdated looking at all.

(NSV alert! I’ve always loved this jacket because it’s long and covers up my butt. I said this to hubby and he got all pissed off…which was sweet. “You work out all the time, you have a nice butt, and you should be wearing clothes to show off your figure.” What a nice hubby! Nonetheless, I prefer to cover up.)

And as I mentioned before, I don’t eat much in public. So as is my usual MO, I didn’t eat much so hubby ate most of my chicken and we took the rest home for Buster. I did have 4 glasses of wine. I do remember having a good time, and planning a girls-only trip with one of my co-workers.

So, Sunday was our Superbowl party. It wasn’t a “good” day, but it could have been worse. In the morning, I took B to the park for about 30 minutes because he absolutely requires a walk for his sanity and mine (meaning… he drives me crazy until we go). Then the rest of the day is a blur. Setting up the living room for 10 people all facing the big screen, setting up the table for the food my hubby was cooking, vacuuming, running to the store for last minute necessities. Then people started to arrive, the game started, the eating and drinking began.

(I don’t know much about football…in fact, until we planned this party, I didn’t even know that the Cardinals were a football team, I thought they were only a baseball team. That being said…what an exciting game!)

Anyway, I did eat too much yesterday, but no regrets! All the leftovers were thrown out last night, I’ve got my fruit and protein for lunch, and I brought my workout clothes. So today’s gonna be a KICK ASS day!