More therapy, more insight

Yes, I finished the letter, it’s in the Chief’s e-mail inbox for his approval. We’ll see tomorrow if he liked it.

I had my second session with the therapist this afternoon. It’s amazing how close to the surface my emotions are. I go in thinking “I’ll be tough this time…I’ll tell my story but there’s no reason to cry.” And then I immediately turn into a blubbering idiot. Well, the therapist doesn’t think I’m an idiot, but I feel kind of silly. Except that it does feel good afterward...I’m getting all this crap out of my head.

Based on what I’ve told her so far, the therapist is thinking that my mom may have Borderline Personality Disorder. (At first I thought the therapist was saying “I” (me) have BPD so I was a bit taken aback, until she clarified that she was referring to my mom.) She told me a bit about BPD, so after I got home I looked it up. (I hope I’m not boring everyone but I felt the need to put this down in my blog.) This abridged on-line description of a BPD fits my mom (the way she was when I was growing up, but not so much now) to a “T.”

People suffering from this disorder (BPD) live in a world of extremes. Often they veer between idealizing a loved one and devaluing them causing great turmoil and misery in that loved one’s life.

Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder are generally not psychotic, however their behavior can seem “crazy” to those closest to them. They often have extreme mood swings that cycle very rapidly through out the course of a single day. They are irritable and anxious much of the time. Loved ones feel they are constantly “walking on eggshells” fearful of doing or saying the “wrong” thing lest it set off the rage of their borderline family member.

Some people with BPD engage in self-destructive behaviors such as over spending, overeating, substance abuse, and eating disorders. Often BPDs may project their own feelings of inferiority on to loved ones whom they then devalue and abuse. Some BPDs physically abuse their loved ones, kicking, punching, slapping and gouging their loved ones with their fingernails. They act verbally abusive to people they know well while putting on a charming front for other people, thus fooling coworkers, neighbors and therapists who may not believe family members stories of abuse. They may appear competent in some situations while acting extremely out of control in others. Child and spousal abuse is common.

I don’t know why, but it makes me feel better to read this stuff. As I read some of the information, I think, “Damn! That was my life growing up!” Maybe it just validates my feelings…it tells me that I’m fucked up for a reason. I didn’t become fucked up in a vacuum.

I feel very blessed to have found this particular therapist. It’s only been 2 sessions, but it seems as if she understands the deep sadness that I’m starting to think I’ve carried around inside since childhood. She is still getting to know me, but she’s already starting to talk about different therapies we can use to help me quiet the negative thoughts that constantly run through my mind.

Now, back to my current, much simpler & happier reality…I ate almost nothing all day because I was so busy; I didn’t work out today; the dogs were ecstatic to see me when I got home; hubby fixed fish (cod, I think) with capers, garlic, and olive oil for dinner; and now we’re watching American Idol; we’re recording BL and I’ll watch it tomorrow. Take care, everyone!