DUH!

I had some interesting comments on my last post. There sure are a lot of people out there that hate mirrors (and photos). However, in general, people alluded to the fact that when they lost weight, they felt better about looking in the mirror. That’s never been the case for me…no matter what I weigh, I’ve always hated seeing my reflection. Tammy had the most thought provoking comment that my mirror avoidance may be a symptom of something larger.

I did a Google search on “Mirror Avoidance” and I found some eye opening information. I may have BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder). Here is a link to one article, with a few of the highlights:

*Since many BDD sufferers experience tremendous shame over their appearance, they may choose not to reveal their concerns to anyone, including their therapist…

*BDD involves much obsessional thinking over the body part, to the point where someone may obsess over it for hours each day. There are also numerous behaviors which may suggest the presence of BDD, such as mirror checking or mirror avoidance...

*Many people with BDD also will compare their body part(s) to those of others, such as friends, family members, or people in the public eye…

*In addition, people with BDD often engage in “camouflaging,” which refers to attempts to try and mask the body part…

*It is critically important to recognize that BDD rarely exists without the existence of other psychiatric disorders. Major depression and social phobia are quite common…

I don't know why, in 55 years, this has never occurred to me before that my obsession might not be normal. DUH! So, why NOW do I think I might actually have BDD...After looking at the symptoms above, I did a quick comparison:

*My weight has always been my obsession. There's often been an element of shame about not being the perfect weight.
*I often compare myself to others. When I see someone I think is about my size I ask my husband “Do I look like that?” He usually will say… “Are you kidding…that person is a lot larger than you are.” Other times, I will see someone I wish I looked like, and my husband will say “Are you kidding...That person is sickly thin!” When I was younger, I always compared myself to my petite, skinny cousins.
*I’ve been treated for depression at various times over the years, but I’ve never told a therapist that I am afraid to look in the mirror. (The only people who know are you, my blogging friends, and my husband…and now the lady at work who I told the other day…and boy did I change the subject fast when I realized what I had said).
*I’m afraid to eat in front of others, which I think could be characterized as “social phobia.”
*I always try to dress to camouflage my body, especially my stomach and my butt.
*I’ve seriously contemplated plastic surgery such as liposuction, and the only reason I did not have it done is because I either couldn’t afford it, or my husband wouldn’t let me have it because he said that I absolutely don’t need it.

So…now that I’ve been thinking about it., I decided to look on line for BDD therapist in my area, and I think I’m going to call the one I found.

(It’s weird as I sit here typing this, I can feel myself getting very stressed out. My face is beet red flushed and I’m having heart palpitations. Right now, I don’t want to type about this anymore…so I'm just going to post this before I overthink it)